Oh Temptation, why are you so evil...

[todreaminblue]

It i sso easy when you have been betrayed to fall under the attentions of another....for the simple fact you are vulnerable and hurt, your self esteem has taken a blow and often even if th espouse hasn't cheated in a while you are still suffering after effects of infidelity...of never feeling good enough, of feeling worthless....i could go on but its depressing so i am stopping that chain of thought......

 

it happened to me, i had an emotional affair with a guy online, i had moved down to be with my ex,left my family my friends, i felt completely isolated and insecure,i moved to keep my family together,and i had tried to break i toff while i was interstate, because he was acting squirrley with money and not answering his phone, all the signs, when i tried to break i toff he flew up from sydney and convinced me to give it a go, told me he loved m e, woudl never leave and i believed him, part of me didnt......that part of me knew, i was goign to get hurt, i tried anyway.......i kamikazed to a massive degree.....

 

anyway this guy i was chatting to online, was so nice to me ,so caring and kind, i fel for him without even meeting him, he fulfilled that part of me that needed to feel good about myself but I felt an unbelievable amount fo guilt and i stopped all contact when i realized i was going to hurt others besides myself......i in fact was being pretty selfish, no excuses........i didnt take it to a physical level.......and i never met him in person,infidelity causes so many problems for both parties, so hurtful and destructive it is only a really committed relationship that can survive, and it takes equality in the commitment......it cant be skewed either way, it takes effort honesty and determination......it can be done...mine didnt survive.....i gave it my best shot with a river of mistakes ......that i can admit too.....deb

[Jonah]

I have read your thread. Interesting. Go ahead and make a fool of yourself. It matters none... everyone already knows about your ego. Or you could astonish everyone... Let out all go and start thinking with the head you put your helmet on instead of the one with the helmet permanently attached. Which one has the most neurons do you think? Stay the same and you will get more of the same. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

[SmokeRat]

@ Jonah;

 

What part in this entire thread, did I ever say I was going to entertain the thought, or even the action, of getting together with this woman?

 

Oh that's right, it's not there. I was simply asking, if other BS's had ever had someone approach them after their spouses affair and shown interest.

 

If you had read my thread, you would have noticed that I said I love my wife and I would never cheat on her. Yet, you clearly state with your infinite wisdom, that I'm thinking with my penis and my ego is going to land me in bed with this girl.

 

As well, I enjoy the attention, sure. But my wife is well aware of this woman, and she knows I'd never leave her/cheat on her. I've shown complete honesty with her, a courtesy she never shared with me.

 

So Jonah, I cannot see where you are coming from, except in an effort to either attack me or give some leverage as to why my wife had a two year long affair with a married man of three, by demonizing my ego and my profession.

[Jonah]

@ Jonah;

 

What part in this entire thread, did I ever say I was going to entertain the thought, or even the action, of getting together with this woman?

 

Oh that's right, it's not there. I was simply asking, if other BS's had ever had someone approach them after their spouses affair and shown interest.

 

If you had read my thread, you would have noticed that I said I love my wife and I would never cheat on her. Yet, you clearly state with your infinite wisdom, that I'm thinking with my penis and my ego is going to land me in bed with this girl.

 

As well, I enjoy the attention, sure. But my wife is well aware of this woman, and she knows I'd never leave her/cheat on her. I've shown completeR honesty with her, a courtesy she never shared with me.

 

So Jonah, I cannot see where you are coming from, except in an effort to either attack me or give some leverage as to why my wife had a two year long affair with a married man of three, by demonizing my ego and my profession.

 

again, I read the thread and I know exactly what you are talking about. This particular thread can especially be boiled down to ego. You posted it, do you want the truth?

Big ego. Your response is only another verification that your ego rules you and is likely your biggest problem. 5 or 10 years from now you will see it clearly. or perhaps you will stay the same.

[Journee]

Ya know, I'm not sure why you came under such fire. You posed a question. A valid one to boot. Being betrayed like this can just about kill one's self esteem. I know for myself , I some days feel completely undesirable. Because the only man I want to desire me gave his body to someone else. Some days I'm so angry and hurt I can't see straight.

 

Once word of my H's affair got around several men were eager to comfort me. I use the word comfort loosely. I was six months pregnant at the time and couldn't believe how many men in my professional life were coming at me. Talk about turn off. It was as if I had a sign on.

[Spark1111]

Ya know, I'm not sure why you came under such fire. You posed a question. A valid one to boot. Being betrayed like this can just about kill one's self esteem. I know for myself , I some days feel completely undesirable. Because the only man I want to desire me gave his body to someone else. Some days I'm so angry and hurt I can't see straight.

 

Once word of my H's affair got around several men were eager to comfort me. I use the word comfort loosely. I was six months pregnant at the time and couldn't believe how many men in my professional life were coming at me. Talk about turn off. It was as if I had a sign on.

 

I experienced this too and it really confused and confounded me.

 

it made me realize that men can sniff vulnerability, loneliness, and low self-esteem from a mile away.

 

It is how my fWS chose his fOW, or she chose him. that is why so many say WSs "affair down." it is the only way to feel superior... To be the Knight in Shining Armor ( KISA) to some damsel or damsel in distress, save them, rescue them. How empowering to someone feeling so powerless due to life circumstances which may NOT include their spouse or their marriage.

 

I told my oldest brother, who proved an invaluable ally during reconciliation because he so loved my H, and he told be careful of that...as if I was doing it on PURPOSE. He said Men cannot resist that biologically. the want to protect the vulnerable woman. it inflates their ego and turns them on.

 

Who knew? not me. but she knew and used it very, very, effectively. be helpless sometimes, show them respect, and desire them sexually.

 

that is really ALL it takes with men. they are THAT simple and sorry men, easily manipulatable

 

don't over think them. OW do not. They know what works.

[Spark1111]

trust me on this, FZ.....

 

Show some cleavage, some almost tears....talk of your intimate, personal troubles...bat your eyes....when he gives you advice...tell him that is so wise, so wonderful...you NEVER thought of that. how smart he is! Keep talking and praising.

 

when he starts to talk of his marital problems, commiserate. give advice, always in the light of how misunderstood, unappreciated he is for being such a kind man. how much you admire him for keeping it all together despite such difficult issues.

 

Then start talking about how much you wish your spouse could be more like him. Once the emotional connection or praise and validation is going, intimate how much you are thinking about him physically. it's wrong, but it was a dream...or something...and what does he thinK?

 

that's about it. you are well on your way to having an affair...if you want one.

 

That easy.

[Journee]

I experienced this too and it really confused and confounded me.

 

it made me realize that men can sniff vulnerability, loneliness, and low self-esteem from a mile away.

 

It is how my fWS chose his fOW, or she chose him. that is why so many say WSs "affair down." it is the only way to feel superior... To be the Knight in Shining Armor ( KISA) to some damsel or damsel in distress, save them, rescue them. How empowering to someone feeling so powerless due to life circumstances which may NOT include their spouse or their marriage.

 

I told my oldest brother, who proved an invaluable ally during reconciliation because he so loved my H, and he told be careful of that...as if I was doing it on PURPOSE. He said Men cannot resist that biologically. the want to protect the vulnerable woman. it inflates their ego and turns them on.

 

Who knew? not me. but she knew and used it very, very, effectively. be helpless sometimes, show them respect, and desire them sexually.

 

that is really ALL it takes with men. they are THAT simple and sorry men, easily manipulatable

 

don't over think them. OW do not. They know what works.

 

 

 

Boy, you are right. I had not heard the term KISA before until this site. I did not know that my husband would have any interest in the dramatics of another women's baggage. When I met OW I was floored. She was a mess. So much so that the wig she was wearing was on crooked when we met. She admitted to having a drinking problem , two other boyfriends and an ex husband she was still living with and sleeping with. She was so erratic and all over the place she made me nervous. *shudders*

 

Still blows my mind that was who he chose...Guess it would not stop the hurt if she was a stellar human.

 

Too bad I can't bring myself to be vulnerable with H right now. Apparently that's what he needs me to be...a hot mess.

[Spark1111]

take it for what it is worth.....a symptom, not a cause.

 

the f Ow in my sitch was NOT much younger, thinner, etc.

 

She too was a hot mess of neediness at a time in his life he thought he needed to be needed, to feel important.

 

 

she fawned over every little gesture, crumb of time and attention, he gave her when he REALLY was not giving too much to anyone, me and his children

Especially.

 

he gave next to nothing, but she made him feel like a GOD. How convenient and validating for a broken, depressed man?

[SmokeRat]

again, I read the thread and I know exactly what you are talking about. This particular thread can especially be boiled down to ego. You posted it, do you want the truth?

Big ego. Your response is only another verification that your ego rules you and is likely your biggest problem. 5 or 10 years from now you will see it clearly. or perhaps you will stay the same.

 

So by your logic, my entire life problems, being my Wife's two year long affair with a married man of three children, is because of my ego and pride in my job?

 

My inability to seperate things that happen at work, and which I bring home with me sometimes? Something my wife knew very well about when we went through couples counselling via the Chief Fire Marshall before our wedding. You know, the speech the Chief gives that goes something like this, "He will be your husband first, and a firefighter second. However, there will be times when firefighting will come first. There will be times when he sees things no one should see, and you will have to take a back seat to these things. You will have to be there for him, always. No matter what. You will be neglected sometimes, you will be ignored and sometimes he'll come home a total wreck. Do you understand this?"

 

She understood and agreed.

 

Now, back to the whole point of this forum thread. I was simply asking a question. I wanted feed back on whether or not other WS's have felt that tug, trying to pull them off the moral high ground we all stand on.

 

You seem to disregard the point entirely, give no feedback on your experiences with this sort of thing. So please, give me some feedback on your experiences like FrozenSprouts has and Spark, because that is constructive advice.

[SmokeRat]

I've already told my wife about this girl, because I believe in honesty and transparency.

 

She knows this girl is interested in me, she also knows that I would never pursue her.

 

Everyone seems to think I am going to pursue this, when I was simply asking for experiences, and that was it.

 

It seems everyone turned this relatively simple question into a swarming beehive.

 

I love my wife

I'm not going to cheat on my wife.

I've no interest in this girl, as I am married.

I've stated all this in previous posts.

My wife is aware the hall bunny is chasing me around. She's also aware my Fire Chief has stuck her with me, as she's the new Probational.

 

I do not poop where I eat. So to speak.

 

So I'll make it very clear, so people aren't confused.

 

I've no actual interest in this woman, I came here on this forum thread to ask if other BS's have had experiences with people becoming interested in them, after the D-Day Fun Times. Some of you have given such experiences, others, have tried to demonize me.

 

Now that we're all clear, I think we're good.

[2sunny]

Funny story actually in reference to the post above.

 

We went out for a 'date' night on Saturday evening, as my Wife wanted to see that Silver Lining Playbook (sp?). Fire God's Almighty, did she ever regret that.

 

The movie opened up like this:

 

Guy comes home from work earlier than normal.

-I came home work earlier than normal, because of an infant death in a car accident.

 

Guy notices a bunch of clothing lying on the ground.

-I saw my wifes undies and a man's pants laying on my hallway floor.

 

Guy sees his wife standing in the shower with another man.

-I see my wife sitting on another man's lap.

 

Both the Wife in the movie and the man she was ****ing, were teachers.

-My wife and the man she was ****ing are both teachers.

 

As soon as she saw that on the big screen, she started shaking so hard I could have throw her into the tub and used her to clean my laundry. I didn't say a word, not one word for the entire movie.

 

As we left the theatre, she broke down crying in the parking lot, to the point where I needed to carry her to the car because once she started crying her sugars bombed hard.

 

Finally get her home, undressed and into a bathtub with her bubbles. I go downstairs and just stare at the ceiling because I cannot believe that the movie so nearly mimics what I went through. She comes down about an hour after I put her in the bath, and kneels down infront of me and demands my pants off.

 

I'll leave out the details, because no one needs to know. She cried even more after that, and she cried the next day too.

 

I'm trying to be supportive of her, because she has always responded well to positive reinforcement. And to be honest, I'm horrible at that. Because frankly, no amount of positive reinforcement is going to change what I see on a daily basis.

 

I remember coming home from a highrise fire in my downtown core, and as soon as I stepped in the door, my wife started bitching about people saying their so sick when all they have is the flu. However, on that day, a wife lost her husband in the blaze because he was in a wheelchair and was overcome by smoke inhalation. On days like that, I'll either snap at her and explain that at least she's alive or as she puts it 'I just look at her with dead eyes.'

 

Ultimately, after the movie two positive things happened. My wife sexually came to me, I didn't need to coax her or ask her, she did that all on her own. Second, I've started developing an exit plan, in the even the R doesn't go well. I've hit the gym twice as hard, started to make sure all my finances are in order, and I've updated my Will and made sure that my pension/fire fighter's benefits are locked away from her. The post-nup we signed has an infidelity clause, if she cheats again, at any time during our marriage, everything is taken away from her. My benefits, my pension, everything. It also stipulates that she must attend couselling, both IC and MC, at regular dates as dictated by my CISM Officer at the firehall.

 

If she refuses, then oh well. She'll have no pension, no benefits and no support. I love my wife, and I enjoy supporting her, but now she knows I'm serious. Her breakdown in the parking lot in front of Fire God knows how many people, helped me realize that she's finally come to terms with what she did.

 

 

A few things:

 

She did this MONTHS ago! How much action has she BEEN DOING yet to fulfill those requirements? IC and MC - how many times has SHE gone - by now it should be MANY (every week!) has she even started? Because you keep referring to it like it hasn't started yet... IF she hasn't gone EVERY WEEK since you found her cheating - SHE'S NOT DOING HER PART IN IT!

 

What has SHE changed about HERSELF? SHE should be the one giving YOU back rubs EVERY DAMN NIGHT!!! Stop rewarding her bad behavior by offering to be her doormat.

 

How much is she being followed when you're at work? She cheated ya know? She may cheat again if she doesn't change the core being of herself.

 

 

And the son of the cheating MM - that young man shouldn't have the punishment! HE wasn't the one who cheated! Why should he be penalized for his DADS BAD BEHAVIOR? That is just wrong! He's a separate person! Stop putting the blame on others - place it soley on YOUR CHEATING WIFE!

 

She cheated! ACT LIKE SHE CHEATED!

 

SHE needs to repair the damage SHE caused!

 

No need to flirt with a new coworker - yes, it feeds your injured ego!

 

Looking back at your other thread - DDAY was fall of 2011 - SHE hasn't repaired the damage by NOW?

 

She's not gonna change a thing!

 

Too much time has passed - you should have solid evidence that she's BEEN DOING anything and EVERYTHING to make it up TO YOU!

 

I don't see that she has done much...

Edited February 14, 2013 by 2sunny

[Snowflower]

trust me on this, FZ.....

 

Show some cleavage, some almost tears....talk of your intimate, personal troubles...bat your eyes....when he gives you advice...tell him that is so wise, so wonderful...you NEVER thought of that. how smart he is! Keep talking and praising.

 

when he starts to talk of his marital problems, commiserate. give advice, always in the light of how misunderstood, unappreciated he is for being such a kind man. how much you admire him for keeping it all together despite such difficult issues.

 

Then start talking about how much you wish your spouse could be more like him. Once the emotional connection or praise and validation is going, intimate how much you are thinking about him physically. it's wrong, but it was a dream...or something...and what does he thinK?

 

that's about it. you are well on your way to having an affair...if you want one.

 

That easy.

 

Ugh, this post^^^makes me feel a bit ill. :sick:

 

And if the WS/MM has the need for external validation, it makes the whole process outlined above even less of a challenge, I would guess.

 

I've no actual interest in this woman, I came here on this forum thread to ask if other BS's have had experiences with people becoming interested in them, after the D-Day Fun Times. Some of you have given such experiences, others, have tried to demonize me.

 

Now that we're all clear, I think we're good.

 

Okay, I'm glad you have your boundaries in place. I think some were confused (as I was at first) by the title you used for your thread...Temptation...

 

I thought you were maybe struggling on some level to keep things on the professional side with this girl. But reading further in your posts this doesn't seem to be the case. Good!

 

I do feel badly for the OM's son who had his application turned down because of who his father is. I think he (the son) was done a disservice here by you and your chief.

Edited February 15, 2013 by Snowflower

[waterwoman]

trust me on this, FZ.....

 

Show some cleavage, some almost tears....talk of your intimate, personal troubles...bat your eyes....when he gives you advice...tell him that is so wise, so wonderful...you NEVER thought of that. how smart he is! Keep talking and praising.

 

when he starts to talk of his marital problems, commiserate. give advice, always in the light of how misunderstood, unappreciated he is for being such a kind man. how much you admire him for keeping it all together despite such difficult issues.

 

Then start talking about how much you wish your spouse could be more like him. Once the emotional connection or praise and validation is going, intimate how much you are thinking about him physically. it's wrong, but it was a dream...or something...and what does he thinK?

 

that's about it. you are well on your way to having an affair...if you want one.

 

That easy.

 

BUGGER! Really? Wish I'd known . I didn't tell anyone at work apart from my manager when I finally realised I needed some time off or be sitting at my desk in a pool off tears and snot... I could really have done with the ego boost at the time.