Oh Temptation, why are you so evil...

[SmokeRat]

So of those that know my story, you also know what I do for a living.

 

The hiring process ended a few months ago, and we received a new Probational Firefighter. It's awesome, because now (being the youngest member on the team, until the Probabtional) I'm not the one getting duct taped to the aerial ladder or having vaseline poured around my bunk bed (it's hilarious after I manage to stand up).

 

Anyway, new Probabtional is in for a fun time I'm sure.

 

Now she (yes, SHE), has been with us for a month now. And she is doing great, she's tough as a honey badger and doesn't take any crap. She's a mouth to match too, and at times, I've even sat there and wondered if she was actually a woman.

 

Now, here is where the problems start. First, she's assigned to me, so that I can help train her and make sure she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else. The two-in two-out rule applies to all fire situations, and she's now my buddy in this. Mainly because she's only 24 and I'm 28, so keep the young people together.

 

Second, she already knows about my WS's affair, as nothing is secret in a hall. I'd also like to mention she's a wee little thing, and cute to boot. She knows this, it's dangerous.

 

She's also recently divorced, but due to an abusive spouse. By recent I mean a year'ish.

 

Here's the thing: she's made it very clear, that in the event my wife and I ever divorced, or if I just couldn't take it anymore, she'd be happy to step in and step up. She is a little naive, being new to the service, but everyone knows that there isn't anyone else who can care for a firefighter, better than another firefighter.

 

Now, I would never act on this while married, I've seen just how painful and destructive an affair can be. I'm the BS in my situation and everyday is a battle. Plus, it helps that I do love my wife, more than I probably should.

 

Just wanted to rant about this, because I needed to. Have any other BS's, during their R, found someone who you had an immediate connection with?

 

Thoughts?

[SmokeRat]

Where is my post, did I even enact the old rule about "Not pooping where I eat?"

 

Did I state I was going to follow up with this Probational?

 

Did you skip over the part where I was simply asking if other BS's had had someone after their affair that just wanted to maul them, and felt the tempation that obviously, their WS's had felt and gave into?

[SmokeRat]

And how 'classy' someone is doesn't matter in a firehall. I, and the department, doesn't need someone 'classy' we need people who can do their job and save lives and property.

 

She can be 'classy' on her own time, when she's working, I do not care if she swears and spits. Show up, suit up and do your job.

 

I also dislike your immediate assumption that firemen act like dogs in heat. We're not firemen, we're firefighters, gender has no place or role in our service.

[SmokeRat]

And thoughts are controlled. Hence I know I could never cheat on my wife.

 

It's a good thing too, and I know she appreciates it. She's met this probational at the hall when she's stopped by, and seeing those two looking at each other was slightly amusing.

 

If you were really, really quiet, you could hear the static electricity bouncing off each other.

 

What I think that was positive that came out of this, and me telling my wife about the new probational, is that it made her realize that I could do 'better, younger, stronger' very quickly. I believe there was a period where my wife actually believed that I'd never leave her, because I couldn't do better.

 

Seeing a younger, more vibrant female, aggressively stepping into her territory woke her up a bit.

 

It makes me happy that I still have my respect intact, instead of just jumping into a pair of bunker pants together lol.

[SmokeRat]

And I've noted in previous posts, I am not going to.

 

The main reason for the thread was to find out if other BS's after starting to go through R with their WS, had been approached or found someone that they instantly connected with.

 

I, and most of the people I work with, have a pretty strict "do not date within the Hall" rule. It's happened, and for some it's worked out, for others....not so much!

[NotCamelot]

Yes, a very similar situation happened with me. New, young girl hired into my dept about 4 weeks before my d-day. She had no idea what I was going through. Then she asked me if I was able to trace emails, phone numbers, etc..... ( me and IT Director ).

 

Then she told me her story. She cheated, then he did...back together and not working out.

 

It would have been so easy to "fall together" out of misery and similar feelings.

 

BUT....I immediately thought about how hard I was fighting to keep my W and the love I have for her. I put distance there. We became good friends and actually used each other to have someone to only talk to that understood what it was like. That was all.

 

I put up a "brick wall" there. And will never let it come down. My W is my one and only.

 

Think about it. Dangerous territory.

[SmokeRat]

There be a very strong brickwall.

 

I'm not going to ever lower myself to level that my wife has. It just will not happen.

 

On a side note, it is refreshing to know that there are still women out there that find me attractive, since the sex with my wife is still nearly extinct. I think it's been.....14 days, and the day I actually did get a piece, she was upset with me after because I just walked in from work, dropped her pants and undies and did the business in the kitchen.

 

Subsequently overcooking the pasta. Another blow to my ego, she was more worried about the pasta.

[NotCamelot]

Stop and make time for her. She probably felt used at that point. Women like for it to be about them and not just whats in their pants.

[Keenly]

Stop and make time for her. She probably felt used at that point. Women like for it to be about them and not just whats in their pants.

 

So what about the men? Are we second class partners?

[SmokeRat]

Stop and make time for her. She probably felt used at that point. Women like for it to be about them and not just whats in their pants.

 

Not sure how to really reply to this.

 

Considering you've probably read my initial thread about her two year long physical and emotional affair with a married man with three kids?

 

How she expects me to medically care for her, even though she was withholding sex from me, to give it to another man?

 

Do I provide for her, both physically and emotionally? Sure do champ. She had stated earlier that week that sometimes she wishes I was more spontaneous with my advances.

 

Well guess what, she got just that . But again, more worried about the pasta.

[SmokeRat]

I'd also like to point out the 'used' part.

 

What else was the OM doing with my wife, besides using her as a sexual toy? Because when I exposed them finally to his Wife and his children, and when I exposed my wife to her parents, my parents, her co-workers, his co-workers and just about everyone on Cheaterville, he backed off real fast and dropped her like a bomb.

 

If that isn't being used, I'm not sure what is.

[NotCamelot]

I'd also like to point out the 'used' part.

 

What else was the OM doing with my wife, besides using her as a sexual toy? Because when I exposed them finally to his Wife and his children, and when I exposed my wife to her parents, my parents, her co-workers, his co-workers and just about everyone on Cheaterville, he backed off real fast and dropped her like a bomb.

 

If that isn't being used, I'm not sure what is.

 

What I was referring to was the part where you dropped pants and "did Her" in the kitchen when she was cooking.

 

And, yes, men need the emotional intent as well, don't mean to infer that we don't.

 

What I am saying is: If you want to rebuild your marriage, then use romance. Not only is that what women want, we all do.

 

I know you are hurt, been there/still there. But if you want to stay with her it is going to take work......from BOTH sides....yes, you too.

 

It does not matter what the OM used her for, you know and she probably does by now. Just show her that you are not that way and why she should be with you.

 

If it is going to work out, LOVE is the basis of it all.

[SmokeRat]

I appreciate your words, I do.

 

Let me add to the kitchen incident. I asked her first, she said that's fine.

 

Do I romance her? All the time, she gets at least two hours of oiled back rubs every night. Without her asking.

 

When she married me, she knew I was nothing like the other man, since she was sleeping with the other man before we were married. You infer that by doing her in the kitchen I was showing traits similar to the OM.

 

There is a difference between a husband and wife, having relations and a Spouse and OM/OW having relations. Drawing a line that matches the two is impossible.

 

Showing her that she should be with me? Let's count down the list:

 

1). I actually love her, and not just for what's between her legs

2). I've medically cared for her, for 3 years. Which includes running emergency IV drops in our house, to avoid running over to a hospital. This also included having buddies feed me materials and meds from their Med Stations.

3). After the first affair, I made more time for her, forgave her and thought it was a one time thing.

4). After the second affair, again, I forgave and moved on.

5). I had no idea about the other four affairs with this same man until the following year.

6). Still stayed with her, still was deathly loyal and am still dead set on making this work if it can.

 

Let's see what the OM gave:

 

1). His junk

2). Lies

3). Emotional support, while I was away on structural fires, or that oh so lovely evening when we had to extricate an infant from her child seat. By extricate I mean physically cut her out. Because on that evening, when I came home and found them doing it, I was in a great emotional state to 'support' her.

4). Had more of the same interests. Well yes, they are both teachers and poop-talk their students while laying in bed.

5). Had 20 years on me, drove a fancy car and had a wicked house with a hot tub and pool.

6). Had three teenage kids?

7). Just screwed his oldest son out of a chance to join the Fire Department. Because as soon as they found out this OM's son wanted to join, they put the can on his application. No one wants that kind of baggage around.

 

I do not mean to lash out at you, but by you saying I should try to be less like the OM, and show my wife I love her, is kind of a slap in the face.

[NotCamelot]

Sorry, did NOT mean it that way. I guess I read something into your post that was not there. Just trying to give some pointers.

 

Sounds like you are trying..and that's a good thing.

 

Just try not to dwell on the new "cutie" at work. Keep that at a distance and not as a "fallback" plan......though temptation can be tough.

[Darth Vader]

So of those that know my story, you also know what I do for a living.

 

The hiring process ended a few months ago, and we received a new Probational Firefighter. It's awesome, because now (being the youngest member on the team, until the Probabtional) I'm not the one getting duct taped to the aerial ladder or having vaseline poured around my bunk bed (it's hilarious after I manage to stand up).

 

Anyway, new Probabtional is in for a fun time I'm sure.

 

Now she (yes, SHE), has been with us for a month now. And she is doing great, she's tough as a honey badger and doesn't take any crap. She's a mouth to match too, and at times, I've even sat there and wondered if she was actually a woman.

 

Now, here is where the problems start. First, she's assigned to me, so that I can help train her and make sure she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else. The two-in two-out rule applies to all fire situations, and she's now my buddy in this. Mainly because she's only 24 and I'm 28, so keep the young people together.

 

Second, she already knows about my WS's affair, as nothing is secret in a hall. I'd also like to mention she's a wee little thing, and cute to boot. She knows this, it's dangerous.

 

She's also recently divorced, but due to an abusive spouse. By recent I mean a year'ish.

 

Here's the thing: she's made it very clear, that in the event my wife and I ever divorced, or if I just couldn't take it anymore, she'd be happy to step in and step up. She is a little naive, being new to the service, but everyone knows that there isn't anyone else who can care for a firefighter, better than another firefighter.

 

Now, I would never act on this while married, I've seen just how painful and destructive an affair can be. I'm the BS in my situation and everyday is a battle. Plus, it helps that I do love my wife, more than I probably should.

 

Just wanted to rant about this, because I needed to. Have any other BS's, during their R, found someone who you had an immediate connection with?

 

Thoughts?

 

 

You might want to ditch the cheater wife and go for the cutie! IMO. Chances are, you two are going to have sex! You can tell it by the way she "made it clear"

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Now, I would never act on this while married, I've seen just how painful and destructive an affair can be. I'm the BS in my situation and everyday is a battle. Plus, it helps that I do love my wife, more than I probably should.

 

Just wanted to rant about this, because I needed to. Have any other BS's, during their R, found someone who you had an immediate connection with?

 

Thoughts?

 

Yes.

 

A few months after D-day we moved to another city. Once in the new city I reconnected with a female college friend. She's fit and beautiful. In college she was a cheerleader at our D-I state university. She and I share a hobby for endurance sports. As a result we spent the next several years (until we moved again) going on training rides and runs together. We also socialized on weekends with my wife in attendance.

 

Because of the affair, I was very aware of boundaries at this time. Of course I had the "what if" thoughts, but there was (and is) no way I would put anyone through what my wife and I were going through. I wonder if there was no D-Day, would I have compromised my boundaries. I don't know. It's possible.

 

She knew that I was going through something difficult in my life, but I never told her about the state of my marriage. That was a boundary that I did not want to compromise.

[whichwayisup]

So of those that know my story, you also know what I do for a living.

 

The hiring process ended a few months ago, and we received a new Probational Firefighter. It's awesome, because now (being the youngest member on the team, until the Probabtional) I'm not the one getting duct taped to the aerial ladder or having vaseline poured around my bunk bed (it's hilarious after I manage to stand up).

 

Anyway, new Probabtional is in for a fun time I'm sure.

 

Now she (yes, SHE), has been with us for a month now. And she is doing great, she's tough as a honey badger and doesn't take any crap. She's a mouth to match too, and at times, I've even sat there and wondered if she was actually a woman.

 

Now, here is where the problems start. First, she's assigned to me, so that I can help train her and make sure she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else. The two-in two-out rule applies to all fire situations, and she's now my buddy in this. Mainly because she's only 24 and I'm 28, so keep the young people together.

 

Second, she already knows about my WS's affair, as nothing is secret in a hall. I'd also like to mention she's a wee little thing, and cute to boot. She knows this, it's dangerous.

 

She's also recently divorced, but due to an abusive spouse. By recent I mean a year'ish.

 

Here's the thing: she's made it very clear, that in the event my wife and I ever divorced, or if I just couldn't take it anymore, she'd be happy to step in and step up. She is a little naive, being new to the service, but everyone knows that there isn't anyone else who can care for a firefighter, better than another firefighter.

 

Now, I would never act on this while married, I've seen just how painful and destructive an affair can be. I'm the BS in my situation and everyday is a battle. Plus, it helps that I do love my wife, more than I probably should.

 

Just wanted to rant about this, because I needed to. Have any other BS's, during their R, found someone who you had an immediate connection with?

 

Thoughts?

 

Don't even open that door. She's a co worker and a rookie. Don't be that guy who makes a move or allows her to jump into your life away from work. Just DON'T!

[SidLyon]

I'd also like to point out the 'used' part.

 

What else was the OM doing with my wife, besides using her as a sexual toy? Because when I exposed them finally to his Wife and his children, and when I exposed my wife to her parents, my parents, her co-workers, his co-workers and just about everyone on Cheaterville, he backed off real fast and dropped her like a bomb.

 

If that isn't being used, I'm not sure what is.

 

Just because the OM "used" your wife like that doesn't mean you have to do it too. If you're genuinely trying to reconcile it's probably best that you shed any attitude that says "now it's my turn to use my wife".

 

Believe me I know how difficult it is to reconcile with a cheating spouse but I have learned that it's best not to try to degrade your spouse, no matter how degraded you feel, or you think s/he was in the affair.

[ComingInHot]

temptation is everywhere all the time.

Sex w/someone other than your spouse

Chocolate when trying to eat right

the perfect outfit when you really don't have the cash

 

all of these temptations make us "feel" good in some very basic way ie; strokes the ego (NO COMMENT FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY!)...

 

Is the over-indulgence worth it? most times not. So stick with what you have committed to like sex with only your wife, only two pieces of dove chocolate a day...

 

You'll think BETTER of yourself when all is said and done. If you decide the R is not going to work, well then that's another thread*

[Plan 9 from OS]

I appreciate your words, I do.

 

Let me add to the kitchen incident. I asked her first, she said that's fine.

 

Do I romance her? All the time, she gets at least two hours of oiled back rubs every night. Without her asking.

 

When she married me, she knew I was nothing like the other man, since she was sleeping with the other man before we were married. You infer that by doing her in the kitchen I was showing traits similar to the OM.

 

 

I don't post on LS much and I do remember reading your other thread but do not recall all of the gory details. But what I see highlighted above needs to stop like yesterday if you want your wife to treat you like her husband and lover again. If I recall correctly, she was scared out of her mind that you were going to leave her since you were very good at taking care of her. Now that it looks like things are going back to normal, she's going back to treating you with little to no respect again and cannot be bothered to make love to you with energy and passion.

 

This tells me that you are simply too nice to her still. If you are not a doormat, you are pretty close to being one. I know you are tougher than this and that you have more self respect than this. I'd tell her that she better wake up fast or your are gone. From what I can tell, she shows little remorse for what she has done to you now that her caregiver isn't going away anymore.

[SmokeRat]

Funny story actually in reference to the post above.

 

We went out for a 'date' night on Saturday evening, as my Wife wanted to see that Silver Lining Playbook (sp?). Fire God's Almighty, did she ever regret that.

 

The movie opened up like this:

 

Guy comes home from work earlier than normal.

-I came home work earlier than normal, because of an infant death in a car accident.

 

Guy notices a bunch of clothing lying on the ground.

-I saw my wifes undies and a man's pants laying on my hallway floor.

 

Guy sees his wife standing in the shower with another man.

-I see my wife sitting on another man's lap.

 

Both the Wife in the movie and the man she was ****ing, were teachers.

-My wife and the man she was ****ing are both teachers.

 

As soon as she saw that on the big screen, she started shaking so hard I could have throw her into the tub and used her to clean my laundry. I didn't say a word, not one word for the entire movie.

 

As we left the theatre, she broke down crying in the parking lot, to the point where I needed to carry her to the car because once she started crying her sugars bombed hard.

 

Finally get her home, undressed and into a bathtub with her bubbles. I go downstairs and just stare at the ceiling because I cannot believe that the movie so nearly mimics what I went through. She comes down about an hour after I put her in the bath, and kneels down infront of me and demands my pants off.

 

I'll leave out the details, because no one needs to know. She cried even more after that, and she cried the next day too.

 

I'm trying to be supportive of her, because she has always responded well to positive reinforcement. And to be honest, I'm horrible at that. Because frankly, no amount of positive reinforcement is going to change what I see on a daily basis.

 

I remember coming home from a highrise fire in my downtown core, and as soon as I stepped in the door, my wife started bitching about people saying their so sick when all they have is the flu. However, on that day, a wife lost her husband in the blaze because he was in a wheelchair and was overcome by smoke inhalation. On days like that, I'll either snap at her and explain that at least she's alive or as she puts it 'I just look at her with dead eyes.'

 

Ultimately, after the movie two positive things happened. My wife sexually came to me, I didn't need to coax her or ask her, she did that all on her own. Second, I've started developing an exit plan, in the even the R doesn't go well. I've hit the gym twice as hard, started to make sure all my finances are in order, and I've updated my Will and made sure that my pension/fire fighter's benefits are locked away from her. The post-nup we signed has an infidelity clause, if she cheats again, at any time during our marriage, everything is taken away from her. My benefits, my pension, everything. It also stipulates that she must attend couselling, both IC and MC, at regular dates as dictated by my CISM Officer at the firehall.

 

If she refuses, then oh well. She'll have no pension, no benefits and no support. I love my wife, and I enjoy supporting her, but now she knows I'm serious. Her breakdown in the parking lot in front of Fire God knows how many people, helped me realize that she's finally come to terms with what she did.

[NotCamelot]

Sounds like she is genuinely hurt by what she did. Her reaction tells you what you needed to know. Now, how it goes forward depends on both of you.

 

I wish you the best. No one deserves the *#@t we've been through!

[scatterd]

Well, no one's EVER heard of a bunch firemen acting like dogs in heat, so golly gee, I'm so surprised by this story.

 

And this gal sounds like SUCH a class act, swearing like a sailor and coming on to her married 'partner.' Probably won't be too long before she's spitting with the best of you and standing up at the urnial with ya'll. How classy.

 

Not.

 

Guess you've forgotten the golden rule about NOT sh*itting where you eat?

I am a little late reading this but LOL this tickled me.

[SmokeRat]

So, regarding my most recent post in this forum thread, you needed to repost that?

 

Let me repost what the Fire Department needs in it's members:

 

-LOYALTY

-SERVICE

-DISCIPLINE

-COURAGE

-HONOUR

-COMPASSION

 

So she swears like a sailor, and she has her skeletons (going after me). I do not care. When she shows up, we hold her to the same standard as the rest of us. At the hall, she has no gender, she suits up and works.

 

Also, the comment about 'Firemen' acting like dogs in heat. We appreciate that, next time you get in a bind revolving Auto Ex or a house fire, make sure to make that comment to the firefighter (see how that reads, firefighter, not fireman) and you'll get the stink eye from them.

 

CLASS HAS NO PLACE IN A FIRE SITUATION. She can be classy on her own time, or when she's out in public with the uniform. What she does on her own time, and how she acts, is her own business.

[jnel921]

I don't agree that his sons application was canned on account of his dads actions. kids are innocent.

 

There is temptation everywhere. It sounds like you entertain it although you may not want to jump into the fire.

 

Be careful fireman.