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Horribly tormented over the physical stuff


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Posted

Hi All,

I haven't posted in a long time. In a lot of ways our R in going very well and I believe my H is committed to our marriage. Most aspects of our relationship are unbelievably better than before d-day. We are far more intimate, connected, and really together. Of course I still have trust issues and doubts, maybe I always will - it has only been 1 year 3 months since d-day.

But some weeks - this week in particular, I am so troubled by the physical acts. I see it, dream about it, fret over it until I am actually nauseous and crying uncontrollably.

We were different than most couples. We started dating in grade 10 and have been together ever since. We were together through university, got married after we had our degrees, settled into life and had 3 children. I have never done more than kiss another man - and that was with boys in high school. As far as I know my husband was only with me until he had the A.

I absolutely HATE the fact that now I am the only one who has had no experience outside of him.

I am fixated on how important and monumental the sex with her must have been because it was such a new experience. How exciting, erotic and memorable. Of course he tells me he regrets it, wishes it had never happened, would take it back in a heartbeat, and feels it was the lowest period of his life.

But my insecurities ( I know this and admit it) won't let it go. This week is two years from the last time they had sex. I don't know the exact dates they were together but my H says he was as accurate as possible with the times. It was flirty work friends for a very long time. Turned physical for a month - three times during the work days they went to her home. Her husband works out of town. Then it went back to flirty inappropriate friends because they discussed it and neither wanted a real relationship outside the marriage. It was a fun on the side relationship. Still very much an affair the entire time. I found out about 9 months later from emails.

Last night we were sitting together on the couch watching tv. He had his arm around my shoulder and his hand on my leg. My hand was on his and I was sort of rubbing my fingers along his. I glanced at his face and he had his head tilted back and towards me and his eyes were closed. My instant thought was " is he thinking about fin***ing her, suc**** her nip****, etc. Not fun, not cool, not happy thoughts. I pull away, tear up and had to leave. So often when he looks happy, related, distracted, this is where my mind goes. Is he reliving the feel, taste, smell of her???? It nearly kills me.

Does any one else have similar issues? Our sex life is great now. Way better than ever before. H says he never thinks about sex with her. It only brings pain. And he says there was nothing about it that was better. It was uncomfortable and awkward and not smooth because of not knowing what each other likes and having that history. After all they did it 3 times and decided that was enough. How great could it be?

I just need it to stop. I know it isn't helping me. And I really want to let this go.

That was a long rambling post - sorry. Spilling my insecurities all over the screen.

Posted
H says he never thinks about sex with her. It only brings pain. And he says there was nothing about it that was better. It was uncomfortable and awkward and not smooth because of not knowing what each other likes and having that history. After all they did it 3 times and decided that was enough. How great could it be?

I can believe it. When he thinks about it, it reminds him of the pain he caused you and then feels guilty.

 

And I'm sure it was not good.

The first time there was some energy and excitement. But he probably didn't perform as well as expected.

The second time he hoped to make up for it and ummmm wellllll.....he didn't.

The third time, he realized it was not going to get better.

 

Everyone is different. We smell different. We feel different. We act different. He found out that the grass is not greener on the other side. It's you that makes him feel comfortable. Feel like home. The other woman makes him feel uncomfortable, awkward, guilty. Not something to keep in the front of your mind.

  • Like 3
Posted (edited)

Sadwife, did you see that a couple of guys weighed in on your thread with their thoughts? If I were you, I would really consider what they are saying.

 

Men view sex very differently than us women (no surprise there! :p ). I think perhaps you are thinking too much about your husband's encounters with his OW. I think maybe you are reading more into it than was actually there for him.

 

Men just don't place the importance on sex in the same way that we women do. For most women, there has to be an emotional connection, feelings of love, etc. before we will share our body with someone else. Guys, well, they can go at it without all those feelings. So again, I think you might be attaching more meaning to those sexual encounters than was really actually there.

 

My guess is that the guilt made it difficult for him to continue, which is a good thing.

 

Hang in there!

Edited by Snowflower
  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted

Thank you for the replies and your opinions. I needed to hear it from people other than my H. Especially from men who have had sex with more than 1 partner :).

And I did see the replies from two men. And they made me feel positive and hopeful. They echo what my H says. I hope they echo how H really feels.

Thank you for the responses and helping me to feel a little better :).

Posted
So often when he looks happy, related, distracted, this is where my mind goes.

 

Yep. Totally get you. Not just the sex but simply is he missing being with her, thinking about her, having regrets.

 

On holiday we were walking along the harbour in St Ives in Cornwall - kids were back at the house. Beautiful calm evening, that soft clear light on the sea that St Ives is famous for. We sat for a bit at a little bar and were silent for a moment. He was staring out to sea with a wistful look. I started to cry and he asked me what was wrong - I told him 'You're thinking about her aren't you?'. He just looked at me as if I was speaking Swahili - 'Did it never occur to you that I was just looking at the boats?'

 

I honestly think that people experience emotions differently. I do a lot of thinking about my feelings, about other people's feelings, about why people do things. H doesn't. Hardly at all. Hence when the A was over, for him it was OVER. Whatever he does or does not feel about OW she's gone from his life and he's moving on. He really has to work hard to understand that I can't feel like that. It took him about 6 months to understand! It drove me crazy. But we are there now. He shares more...but boy there really isn't all that much to share ;) What you see is what you get.

 

I sympathise x

  • Like 2
Posted

Sadwife,

 

What you are describing are called mind movies and all betrayed spouses have them.

 

I agree with all the other posters, your mind is building up the sex acts into something they were not.

 

Time will lessen the images until one day they don't even exist!:)

  • Like 4
Posted

I am not as far past d-day as you, but I have stuggled with the exact same mind torment.

 

What I have found worked best for me was: create very new and exciting sexual memories with my W. Do things you have only dreamed of, go where you never have before..... fulfill her and your fantasies, within ability. Get creative.

 

It has created renewed excitement in sex, though, for us, it never went away. But there is increased excitement ...(been married 20 yrs).

 

 

Anyway, that has helped me tremendously. And now, when she gives me that look.......I know it's about me.

  • Like 3
Posted

Let me try and throw a little more color to this.

 

You were the only woman her was with until the affair. As Lovebot mentioned, it's very possible your husband was curious about other women.

 

If someone is eating nothing but Filet Mignon their whole life, they don't realize they are eating Filet Mignon. They have nothing to compare it to. Until of course, they eat beef jerky. Now they realize how good that filet really is. And no matter how many time you try it, beef jerky is still beef jerky. ;)

 

(Damn, now I'm getting hungry)

  • Like 3
Posted

I'm a BH and never cheated so I can't (and don't care to) try to get into your husbands head. I totally relate to you as I also obsessed over my wife having sex with 2 other men. The mind movies have haunted me for years although they are less frequent and less disgusting as we have worked through lots of issues.

 

Both my wife and I were both pretty inexperienced when we met and got married. After her cheating she hid behind the "I needed the experience" and how important it was in the end because she found out how much she loved me. This was bul|sh*t and I came to hate her for using such a trivial, disgusting excuse. She now admits she was unsure in our marriage and used that to give herself permission go crazy and pretend she was a single woman again. She is now ashamed of her selfish, slutty behavior. Her admission and remorse have been a key element in the progress we have made toward true reconciliation.

 

One year since d-day you are still struggling to accept his betrayal. This is pretty much expected so don't think that this is just your problem. What is your husbands excuse for cheating? Do you buy it? Are you ashamed of the lying scumbag he became in order to charm the panties of another woman? Bottom line is that until you are satisfied that he realizes the devastation he caused and is truly, truly sorry you are probably going to have a hard time actually reconciling.

 

The images in your head will never be gone but you can get to the point where you don't obsess over them. It takes time and work.

 

Edit: giving him a pass because he was "curious" is ridicules and insulting to any BW.

  • Like 2
Posted

It is surely reality if you deem it so. If hE is looking happy, it will be because he believe you to be happy. If you are miserable his mind will seek refugee.

 

...for we decide which is right, and which its an illusion.

 

if it helps, you are not alone in this. I too suffer the same illusion. ...sometimes unto orgasm. Then I hate a woman that meant to give me her all. Then the basics of reality reminds me that this world is as miserable or as wonderful as my mind makes it out to be.

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