waterwoman Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 H and I are doing OK.(See birthday thread). Last night we had a 'discussion' about the way he was disciplining our youngest son. We have an on-going disagreement about that - he likes to 'win' and get J to do what he is told, I think that with a midly autisitic child that is absurd and we have to compromise. We ended up with a hysterical child and two upset and angry parents. Anyway.... the cause is irrelevant. Point is I was unbeleivably angry. I hardly wanted to get in the same bed. In the past I'd have cried. Don't know if it's a good thing or not. Is this affair-related? If so does it mean I am still angry with him? I don't feel as if I am. I am generally feeling more loving and open to him.
anne1707 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I know that I found with my during reconciliation that arguments were more emotionally charged in that you are aware of how vulnerable things can be, how much that can hurt so when you argue it brings those emotions back - that will pass in time as your marriage gets stronger, You have taken an emotional beating, it takes time to heal. 3
BetrayedH Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I know I had plenty of anger simmering beneath the surface. It was very difficult to differentiate any emotional isssue from the emotions from her affair. One thing I knew - God forbid my wife got angry with me about anything. One snappy word from her and she got it back ten-fold. I hated all of that crap. I was never an angry person before Dday. 2
Author waterwoman Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Thanks Anne - I agree that we tend to be more gentle with each other than before. I can't bear for him to be angry with me because it creates these horrible little mind movies - about him not really loving me, about how nicer OW was etc. But I still get mad with him and I really really don't want to. betrayed - exactly! See above. I have a temper - always have - but it is rarely roused and I tend to be a cheerful soul who potters along quite calmly, always seeing the best in people and seeing both sides to every debate etc. I am the same most of the time now, but when the anger comes it's terrible
BetrayedH Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Thanks Anne - I agree that we tend to be more gentle with each other than before. I can't bear for him to be angry with me because it creates these horrible little mind movies - about him not really loving me, about how nicer OW was etc. But I still get mad with him and I really really don't want to. betrayed - exactly! See above. I have a temper - always have - but it is rarely roused and I tend to be a cheerful soul who potters along quite calmly, always seeing the best in people and seeing both sides to every debate etc. I am the same most of the time now, but when the anger comes it's terrible I think much of it is a natural consequence. Give yourself time. It's good you are introspective instead of just reactionary. This is one of those burdens both of you need to carry together. Talk it through. I didn't see my reconciliation thru to the end but I think your emotions will balance out over time and you will become very much like the person you once were (albeit, a bit less naive). While I went thru a different experience (divorce), I am returning to my core self and it's quite a relief. Sorry, that naive part was a joke.
leonine Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I agree with what others have posted. Shortly after d-day, it seemed like no matter what we were disagreeing about, it was really about the affair. BH was much quicker to anger and at a higher level than whatever we discussing really warranted. Over time, that has lessened and usually now whenever we argue (not that we argue often) it's just about the issue at hand.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I know I had plenty of anger simmering beneath the surface. It was very difficult to differentiate any emotional isssue from the emotions from her affair. One thing I knew - God forbid my wife got angry with me about anything. One snappy word from her and she got it back ten-fold. I hated all of that crap. I was never an angry person before Dday. Ditto. I called this process "The Funnel". All arguments eventually funneled down to the affair; regardless if it was affair related or not. I don't remember how long that lasted, but it eventually went away. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 It took some conscious effort to not let our normal relationship be amplified by the affair. Sometimes we kept it under control, but usually not.
SmokeRat Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I'm horrible for this, this 'funnel' you speak of. Just the other day, I was responding to a Haz spill on the highway, and I get a text from my wife saying she has a massive migraine is heading home. Obviously, I'm not going to doff all my gear and text her back. So about an hour later I get another text saying 'oh, I get it you don't care', that set me off. I walked out of the hot zone and went to the decon tent, doffed my gear and went into the rig and chewed her out for 10 minutes. Apparently she was only 'kidding' about the 'oh you don't care' part. But it was a classic example of the funnel, immediately went to the affair and things blew up. It's hard not to feed right into the affair, but I'm trying.
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