Elfie Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Anyone who's read my other postings will possible be wondering what planet I'm on when I confess I answered MM's call on Tuesday, after being NC for a couple of days. We had the whole day together (the 3rd in 7 months), he was open, attentive, kind, fun, warm - we were out in public, went to a nice coffee house he'd chosen, then a pub lunch. No physical contact, other than kissing on meeting. He seemed to be making an effort (usually it's been a MacDonald's coffee and a couple of bunches of flowers). I'm not saying this because I expect or want more, I'm just explaining the difference on how he was on Tuesday. I was tetchy and cool, but soon found I was feeling the same way Idid at the start. Then at home I sobbed my eyes out - reality - and texted not to call me, and switched my phone off, but he called round, I let him in and we had an emotional heart to heart. He'd told me things thorugh the day about his W putting him down, calling him names (it ties inw ith what i know and heard from others, so it isn't a sob story) and I agreed to go for a coffee the next day. The coffee was just as nice a time, I felt so close to him again and he seemed to be making a rela effort. I told him I was scared as he lives opposite, I know it'll break me, that I fear hearing something that indicates he and his W might be closer than he's making out, and he didn't say anything - I hoped he'd say "you won't, because we aren't close" (as he claims). Then he managed to see me for 20 minutes Wed eve, I coped, but the next morning, I was watching for him to leave, he was late, and I flipped, started crying, realised he'll always choose the abusive, belittling W who earns double what i do and I'll always be second best. I texted him to say I'm not putting my self thorugh this anymore, not even for him and I ignored his call. Now Friday it hurts, but I can't live in such a mental rollercoaster. I hope I can get through a long period of NC.
whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 you should have point blank asked him " do you two sleep in the same bed? do you two eat dinner together, go shopping, do family dinners with your family and your in laws? Do you two hang out and watch TV, do banking together, live life?" IF yes to more than half of those ?'s, I'm telling you, he is NOT as miserable as he's making himself out to be. You staying in his life enables him to stay married. Do you see this? And please, unless you have see their behaviour with your own eyes, don't listen to other people. they have their own spin on it. Go back to NC and stick to it. The bigger picture hasn't changed. You had a nice time with him, felt good but then you felt sad and upset later on. How much more of it can you take? Love is not supposed to be this painful and on the expense of someone else, even if she isn't that nice to him .. HE enables her because he stays married and hasn't moved out/separated/divorced. See what I'm saying? 4
Author Elfie Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Hi whihwayisup Some of the things you mention they definitely don't do - living opposite is a curse but it can be reassuring....Lived there 2 years and they never go out at night, and he's always told me when they do go out it's been family - even that is rare, so I can see. His wife runs a home business in the evening, so I can see two lights on - he and I discuss the tv we both watched, he tells me they sit together but they don't cul up together. When he's outside gardening (alot) she's inside. They never shop together, and I have heard neighbours say she shouts, he's under the thumb, she moans at him. I always tell him his good qualities, I picked up he isn't the big brawny strong man he looks on the outside - he doesn't say much about his wife, but occasionally admits she's cleverer - said her father felt she'd married beneath her and called him "thick" in a row once (he can't read or write very well, she speaks 4 languages and has always had high end jobs, though he took on her 4 kids). He told me they don't have a physical relationship as she has a back problem - and neighbours have told me she's told them at length about her back and the hospital visits (though she doesn't want him to go into appointments with). I don't know if he's genuinly lonely, there are signs he is..
skywriter Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Hi whihwayisup Some of the things you mention they definitely don't do - living opposite is a curse but it can be reassuring....Lived there 2 years and they never go out at night, and he's always told me when they do go out it's been family - even that is rare, so I can see. His wife runs a home business in the evening, so I can see two lights on - he and I discuss the tv we both watched, he tells me they sit together but they don't cul up together. When he's outside gardening (alot) she's inside. They never shop together, and I have heard neighbours say she shouts, he's under the thumb, she moans at him. I always tell him his good qualities, I picked up he isn't the big brawny strong man he looks on the outside - he doesn't say much about his wife, but occasionally admits she's cleverer - said her father felt she'd married beneath her and called him "thick" in a row once (he can't read or write very well, she speaks 4 languages and has always had high end jobs, though he took on her 4 kids). He told me they don't have a physical relationship as she has a back problem - and neighbours have told me she's told them at length about her back and the hospital visits (though she doesn't want him to go into appointments with). I don't know if he's genuinly lonely, there are signs he is.. Elfie, Have you ever asked him if he's living as a roommate, he's lonely, on so on, why don't he and his wife do something about it? I believe the people here will tell you that when and if things change for the better with him and his W, you'll become an "option". Meaning, "oh if I get bored, lonely, desire something different, I'll give Elfie a call". Eventually life happens, a death, illness, who knows.... When it does and he doens't turn to you, it 's gonna be very hurtful to you.
Mount Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 That is so predictable, why the MM seeks being involved with you, because comparing to his wife, he is so low end, low life, and does not get respect, admiration, no ego-boosting from wife, so he is looking after more lower people to go after. I know from many betrayed wives's perspectives, the reason why their husbands had affair because OWs are trashy, low life...etc, even though the statement may not be true. By the way, why you(Elfie) care about what he is doing, what he is "suffering" (like it is true which I don't believe at all - your MM is pretty much enjoying marriage life). You need to focus on youself, your NEEDS, your post seems like you try to be a saver, fixer to your MM, that is typical co-dependent. Even I am in A, I only care about my happiness, my needs being fulfilled, who cares what MM is saying... saying is verbal, is just air. Hi whihwayisup Some of the things you mention they definitely don't do - living opposite is a curse but it can be reassuring....Lived there 2 years and they never go out at night, and he's always told me when they do go out it's been family - even that is rare, so I can see. His wife runs a home business in the evening, so I can see two lights on - he and I discuss the tv we both watched, he tells me they sit together but they don't cul up together. When he's outside gardening (alot) she's inside. They never shop together, and I have heard neighbours say she shouts, he's under the thumb, she moans at him. I always tell him his good qualities, I picked up he isn't the big brawny strong man he looks on the outside - he doesn't say much about his wife, but occasionally admits she's cleverer - said her father felt she'd married beneath her and called him "thick" in a row once (he can't read or write very well, she speaks 4 languages and has always had high end jobs, though he took on her 4 kids). He told me they don't have a physical relationship as she has a back problem - and neighbours have told me she's told them at length about her back and the hospital visits (though she doesn't want him to go into appointments with). I don't know if he's genuinly lonely, there are signs he is..
Catplates Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Anyone who's read my other postings will possible be wondering what planet I'm on when I confess I answered MM's call on Tuesday, after being NC for a couple of days. We had the whole day together (the 3rd in 7 months), he was open, attentive, kind, fun, warm - we were out in public, went to a nice coffee house he'd chosen, then a pub lunch. No physical contact, other than kissing on meeting. He seemed to be making an effort (usually it's been a MacDonald's coffee and a couple of bunches of flowers). I'm not saying this because I expect or want more, I'm just explaining the difference on how he was on Tuesday. I was tetchy and cool, but soon found I was feeling the same way Idid at the start. Then at home I sobbed my eyes out - reality - and texted not to call me, and switched my phone off, but he called round, I let him in and we had an emotional heart to heart. He'd told me things thorugh the day about his W putting him down, calling him names (it ties inw ith what i know and heard from others, so it isn't a sob story) and I agreed to go for a coffee the next day. The coffee was just as nice a time, I felt so close to him again and he seemed to be making a rela effort. I told him I was scared as he lives opposite, I know it'll break me, that I fear hearing something that indicates he and his W might be closer than he's making out, and he didn't say anything - I hoped he'd say "you won't, because we aren't close" (as he claims). Then he managed to see me for 20 minutes Wed eve, I coped, but the next morning, I was watching for him to leave, he was late, and I flipped, started crying, realised he'll always choose the abusive, belittling W who earns double what i do and I'll always be second best. I texted him to say I'm not putting my self thorugh this anymore, not even for him and I ignored his call. Now Friday it hurts, but I can't live in such a mental rollercoaster. I hope I can get through a long period of NC. Elfie, Why don't you expect more for yourself? You are short selling yourself for a bloke who is taking you to f....... Maccas?????? Wake up girl! He's a big boy now. If his wife is belittling him, it's his job to fix it not yours. Stop being his fall back girl. Perhaps his wife has some reason to be yelling at hime all the time. As long as you allow him... you will always be on the roller coaster and definitely some second. Time will come when something will happen and you will have to get off the roller coaster. For example, what happens if you are found out? How will you live in the street? That will force you to stop dead and where do you think he will be???? Surely not with you. YOu will be the social outcast. I think you are rationalising all the information that you have to MAKE it fit with what he says. Remember he his only saying what he thinks will make you stay around. What the neighbours say means nothing. Some couples fight like cats and still have red hot sex. Warm Wishes, Cat 1
Mount Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I mean high end wife, low end (not love end) husband, and more lower end OW That is so predictable, why the MM seeks being involved with you, because comparing to his wife, he is so low end, low life, and does not get respect, admiration, no ego-boosting from wife, so he is looking after more lower people to go after. I know from many betrayed wives's perspectives, the reason why their husbands had affair because OWs are trashy, low life...etc, even though the statement may not be true. By the way, why you(Elfie) care about what he is doing, what he is "suffering" (like it is true which I don't believe at all - your MM is pretty much enjoying marriage life). You need to focus on youself, your NEEDS, your post seems like you try to be a saver, fixer to your MM, that is typical co-dependent. Even I am in A, I only care about my happiness, my needs being fulfilled, who cares what MM is saying... saying is verbal, is just air.
Author Elfie Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Some really good points here - some are things I don't want to hear, but that's why I'm here - I don't want sugar coating. I'm not sure though if the wife should be excused - if she's abusive, beittling, then isn't it wrong to say he may cause it? That's like an abusive man blaming a woman for hitting her - "You made me" BUT, like many of you say, I'm only getting HIS version, and he will say anything to keep me.... I do think of the social outcast, I know for sure I would be, even though I've lived here almost reclusive liek for 12 years, he for 2. I threw that by him but he said it might just come down to saying "I've packed my bags, let's just go". Interesting insight into me being a fixer and co-dependent - many of my (genuine) freindships have started as me helping them in some way, even though I'm very independent on the outside, and got through alot alone - major life changing things too. I guess I'm not so independent after all. Third day NC, so hanging in - thank you everyone for taking the trouble to post and help ((HUGS))
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