Is my boyfriend a bad kisser, or something wrong with me?

[Lego]

For awhile now, I've been going out with a really great guy. We have a strong emotional bond, and I find him physically attractive. I had thought about kissing him often.

 

We finally "made out" last night and it... didn't feel right. I didn't feel turned on at all, just kinda neutral and a little grossed out. Bear in mind I have almost no "passionate lip kissing" experience. (I've done the lip peck, and also kissing cheeks/neck before, that's it.) So I can't tell if:

A. He's a good kisser and I just had the wrong expectations (or broken sex drive) or...

B. He's not "doing it right."

 

Let me try to describe the kiss:

• It was... very scratchy. Even though he doesn't look unshaven, his chin felt so rough that it was almost painful after awhile. Do women actually like stubble?
  
• It was very loud and very wet. I always imagined kissing to be quiet and "velvety", and this is the kind that would definitely be heard from another room.
  
• It was "sucky." (By that I don't mean the generalized "it sucked," it was that he kind of grabbed my bottom or top lip in his own and sucked on it hard.) Is this normal?
  
• It was often lost of fast kisses instead of one drawn out one.
  
• He tried some tongue too. I allowed a little of it but didn't really enjoy it. I hear that tongues have a lot of nerve endings so it should have felt good, but this just felt very... slimy and neutral.
  

 

So, I enjoyed being close to him, but just didn't feel "turned on" by the kissing the way I've been told I'm supposed to by the media and people online. No fireworks in my head, or hot tingly feeling, or anything like that. (But what if it's just me? Maybe I'm more asexual than I thought?)

 

 

And if part of the problem IS him, what's the best way to tell him I didn't really enjoy it? I don't want to hurt his feelings... I was thinking about maybe telling him I felt like we went too hard out of the gate and I want to experiment more with gentler kissing, and also I want to tell him to shave better beforehand. Does that sound too demanding of me when we're so new to doing it? Is there a better way to word it?

 

My own fantasies about kissing are still so vague that I don't even know if I can ever get it in real life... it's frustrating. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

-Lego

Edited February 8, 2013 by Lego

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't want to hurt his feelings... I was thinking about maybe telling him I felt like we went too hard out of the gate and I want to experiment more with gentler kissing, and also I want to tell him to shave better beforehand. Does that sound too demanding of me when we're so new to doing it? Is there a better way to word it?

No, it's not demanding! ASK for what you want. You can ask nicely and even present it in a tantalizing way, like: "You know, I think it would REALLY turn me on if we did some softer, sweeter kissing. Can we try that?" Then, when you do it, show your pleasure with sounds, words, and your body.

 

Any man worth his salt LOVES pleasing his woman.

 

If he likes you, he'll be more than happy to adapt to your desires. And if he doesn't like you enough to do that, you're better off kissing someone who does

 

And yeah, totally ask him to shave. If a man is scratching me with his stubble, I'll stop and ask him to go shave - unless I'm totally caught in the moment, or enjoying the abrasion.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Since it was your first kiss, he should have started WAY WAY slower....and gently built it up. Tell him to shave...scratchy stubble is something I wouldn't take.

 

Also, keep in mind, that life is not like the movies and I remember that I thought my first kiss was weird (I was very attracted to the guy but still).

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, my first boyfriend and I both remarked that the other's tongue felt like a big piece of meat flopping around.

 

And we would make out on the couch and see how many videos on MTV we could kiss through without stopping. Our record was 4 videos.

 

Definitely sounds like this guy was kissing like some kind of porn dude. Ew. But he may just be inexperienced and not know what he's doing.

[Archgirl]

It was very loud and very wet. I always imagined kissing to be quiet and "velvety", and this is the kind that would definitely be heard from another room.

• It was "sucky." (By that I don't mean the generalized "it sucked," it was that he kind of grabbed my bottom or top lip in his own and sucked on it hard.) Is this normal?
  
• It was often lost of fast kisses instead of one drawn out one.
  
• He tried some tongue too. I allowed a little of it but didn't really enjoy it. I hear that tongues have a lot of nerve endings so it should have felt good, but this just felt very... slimy and neutral.
  

-Lego

 

- Umm...loud as in someone on the other side of the room would hear it?

 

- Sucked hard? not normal for a first kiss, it shouldn't be painful

 

- fast kisses? sounds a lil weird do you mean like pecks on the lip?

 

-tongue action is usually the best bit, maybe ask him to gentler and slower

 

But hey on the plus side - Congrats on your first kiss! Everything just gets better with practice

[Ninjainpajamas]

Personally for me there is a lot in a kiss, it's a BIG deal for me.

 

It determines chemistry, sexual energy, compatibility...A kiss will tell me essentially how well I'm going to click with someone on other levels...it's like that invisible connection you can have with someone.

 

Kissing also takes a skill, and practice like anything else...but it's also about going with the "flow" of the other person, you have to mesh will with their behavior. Usually a person will tell you with their lips and energy what pacing and "style" is desired.

 

Kissing with stubble can be a very bad thing....men don't notice it because we're used to having it on our face but if you're going to kiss someone for the first time you definitely want to be clean shaven unless you've got it long and with a girl that really likes beards/facial hair...otherwise it can be very irritating and interrupt the quality of the kiss.

 

It also shouldn't be overly wet and sloppy, you don't want spit everywhere and saliva in areas that's going to make it gross or uncomfortable. I've experienced some pretty horrible kissing from women before and you do have to direct and get them on the same page. It sounds to me like he was going in too strong and too much, applying too much pressure.

 

Grabbing your lips was to show a strong sexual energy, like a forcefulness..that's what I think he was going for, but he jumped the gun way too much and was probably trying to rip or squeeze your lip off. A fail on his part.

 

Kissing fast and one out long-drawn depends on the energy and chemistry again...but it shouldn't just be one or the other, you should determine the pace and not be too fast or too long drawn out. It sounds like he was just sticking to one strategy, and as a first kiss he should have kept it sweet and sensual.

 

Tongue is again, based on chemistry and energy...sometimes it feels right other times unnecessary...If you're in passionate love throws tongue can fit right in, if you're just sitting there trying to jam your tongue down someones throat for the first time, you're being a bit overzealous.

 

You can definitely have fireworks, tingly feelings, butterflies, a hot energy rushing through you...people underestimate the power of kissing...it is IMO one of the most sensual and personal things you can do with someone that can be extremely intimate, erotic or just connecting.

 

Since you both don't know what you're doing you should take the lead and tell him what you like and try different ways of kissing, don't be afraid to interject and tell him what you like or feels good...he's probably going to listen pretty well since he doesn't seem to be experienced...if he gets mad or upset/defensive, which I doubt...then he's just being insecure about it.

 

IMO though, something is just missing...but then again there is just some people who don't get a lot out of kissing, but most will with a good kisser.

Edited February 8, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[artchick88]

I think you need to practice more. I didn't really enjoy a kiss until I have kissed several people. I had a few people to experiment with before I met a guy I actually liked and wanted to kiss so it was enjoyable since we both had "made out" with others before.

What you're describing sounds A LOT like the first time I made out with a boy!!!

I "liked it" for what it was but it WAS NOT what it was supposed to be. My feeling is this boy is new at it too.

As for the stubble, that shouldn't bother you too much once he slows down.

The sucking/biting thing is something people get carried away with when they first start, as is everything you have described actually, loudness, icky tongue, sucking, etc. Gross.

ITS NOT YOU.

 

Kissing is magical and wonderful and youre right slow long kisses, soft kisses even, are the best and can lead to authentic passionate kisses where tongues and sucking feels good. but if you start with that... oh no... its all bad from there.

 

Next time, pull away, smile, and say i wanna kiss soft and slow for a little bit, in a flirty way. My wonderful bf developed a habit of giving me three hard pecks like a chicken as he left for work in the mornings and I had to tell him to give me one, nice slow firm one instead and he does now. no feelings hurt.

 

Oh, and probably your date was wondering why it didn't feel perfect either, so next time, follow my advice and say i wanna do it slow and soft. it will work, guys just want to know what turns you on.

[Lego]

Thanks for the reassurances so far. I feel better about saying something now.

 

The first time we made out last night, he had not known I was a virgin. (I told him that night, he was understanding about it and said he was a late bloomer too, so maybe he's not that much more experienced than me?)

 

Anyway, we did again later that night after he knew I was a virgin. I thought he would be a little slower and gentler because of that, but nothing changed. Maybe it's just because I didn't speak up and specify, and he assumed I was fine with the style?

I have to admit I kept up to him and sorta acted like I enjoyed it so I wouldn't make him feel bad, but now I feel like it will make me seem like a dishonest person if I turn back and ask to do things differently...

 

 

 

- Umm...loud as in someone on the other side of the room would hear it?

Yeah, definitely from the other side of the room. Maybe even from another room, (but I don't know, maybe it just *seemed* that loud to me).

 

- Sucked hard? not normal for a first kiss, it shouldn't be painful

Yeah, I think he used his teeth a little too.

 

- fast kisses? sounds a lil weird do you mean like pecks on the lip?

Nope, not little pecks. More like fast and deep, open-mouth.

 

 

-tongue action is usually the best bit, maybe ask him to gentler and slower

I see, good to knokw.

 

But hey on the plus side - Congrats on your first kiss! Everything just gets better with practice

Thanks!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just to add on what ninja said, I have noticed that with men I connected to most, kissing just felt "right" from the start.

[Ruby Slippers]

Just to add on what ninja said, I have noticed that with men I connected to most, kissing just felt "right" from the start.

I agree. The guy with whom I had the strongest love connection - oh, man. The first time we kissed, the heavens parted and the angels sang. The technique was effortlessly perfect. We got totally lost in making out on the couch, and when we came up for air, realized we had been kissing for 2 hours!!

 

And... only ninja could write 11 paragraphs about kissing

[CC12]

Edit: Sorry, you answered some of my questions already. I should have refreshed before I posted. I'll leave it up anyway. Maybe it will help someone.

 

----

 

That all sounds pretty bad, to be honest.

 

I'll go through your list one by one.

 

 

Let me try to describe the kiss:

 

It was... very scratchy. Even though he doesn't look unshaven, his chin felt so rough that it was almost painful after awhile. Do women actually like stubble?

 

Stubble can sometimes really hurt. My guy often has stubble, but it's usually not a problem if it starts to irritate my skin because he doesn't press his face into me so hard that I can't pull back a bit. And when I do pull back a bit, he doesn't keep coming at me.

 

It was very loud and very wet. I always imagined kissing to be quiet and "velvety", and this is the kind that would definitely be heard from another room.

 

Velvety? Yeah, I guess. Wet velvet. Kisses are wet. There shouldn't be any excess saliva, though. I mean, ya'll are supposed to be swallowing pretty often while kissing. And kisses are not that quiet. But if it honestly could have been heard from another room, urgh.

 

it was "sucky." (By that I don't mean the generalized "it sucked," it was that he kind of grabbed my bottom or top lip in his own and sucked on it hard.) Is this normal?

 

Some people like this. If he's just sitting there, like, pulling your lip away from your face for a long time, that doesn't seem so good.

 

It was often lost of fast kisses instead of one drawn out one.

 

I hate this. Hate it. I mean, a few pecks before or after a long kiss is fine. It's nice, actually. But too many of these can be boring and awkward.

 

He tried some tongue too. I allowed a little of it but didn't really enjoy it. I hear that tongues have a lot of nerve endings so it should have felt good, but this just felt very... slimy and neutral.

 

For me, the physical feeling of using tongue is nothing special. It's nice because it's just part of a deep, passionate kiss. But it's not like my actual tongue is getting stimulation, or anything.

 

Anyway, obviously these are just my own personal preferences, but I would think they're mostly common.

 

Was this one of his first kisses, too? Has he had any girlfriends before?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I agree. The guy with whom I had the strongest love connection - oh, man. The first time we kissed, the heavens parted and the angels sang. The technique was effortlessly perfect. We got totally lost in making out on the couch, and when we came up for air, realized we had been kissing for 2 hours!!

 

And... only ninja could write 11 paragraphs about kissing

 

I was going to make it 22.....but I wanted to keep it short.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're welcome.

[SmileFace]

I was going to make it 22.....but I wanted to keep it short.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're welcome.

I will actually read that.

So please do... the 11 were great already.

[CC12]

It was often lost of fast kisses instead of one drawn out one.

 

- fast kisses? sounds a lil weird do you mean like pecks on the lip?

 

Nope, not little pecks. More like fast and deep, open-mouth.

 

Hang on, what? I can't even picture this. Fast? Deep? Open-mouthed? I am actually picturing it now and I'm kind of grossed out. Maybe I'm just not getting how this would be pleasurable to anyone.

[Lego]

Just to add on what ninja said, I have noticed that with men I connected to most, kissing just felt "right" from the start.

That is kind of... discouraging. Because I really like this guy a lot. I don't like the idea that this means that we're fundamentally incompatible people or something. Everything else about us seems to "work."

I mean, now I'm wondering if there is some kind of evidence that first kissing compatibility is correlated with better relationships. I don't want this to loom over our future like some kinda foreboding shadow.

Edited February 8, 2013 by Lego

[Eternal Sunshine]

That is kind of... discouraging. Because I really like this guy a lot. I don't like the idea that this means that we're fundamentally incompatible people or something. Everything else about us seems to "work."

I mean, now I'm wondering if there is some kind of evidence that first kissing compatibility is correlated with better relationships.

 

Since this was your "first ever" kiss, I would give it a bit more time

[Archgirl]

 

 

 

 

Yeah, definitely from the other side of the room. Maybe even from another room, (but I don't know, maybe it just *seemed* that loud to me).

 

 

Yeah, I think he used his teeth a little too.

 

 

Nope, not little pecks. More like fast and deep, open-!

 

Ok I think I'm getting it now, he has no idea what he is doing either - which is great coz it means you can have fun working out what you like together!

It sounds like he's just going at your mouth like a cement mixer - all fast noisy and mechanical - is that it? None of the soft gentle sensuality like you expected? (And which experienced guys are like)

Kissing is one of the best thing ever - I promise!

Biting lips is usually something that comes much later in a very different context.

Try kissing him the way you would like to be kissed, only tell him first, does that sound like something you would be comfortable with?

[CC12]

That is kind of... discouraging. Because I really like this guy a lot. I don't like the idea that this means that we're fundamentally incompatible people or something. Everything else about us seems to "work."

I mean, now I'm wondering if there is some kind of evidence that first kissing compatibility is correlated with better relationships. I don't want this to loom over our future like some kinda foreboding shadow.

 

It doesn't mean you're fundamentally incompatible or that this is evidence that your relationship is doomed. I think you're trying to, like, apply science to this, or something.

 

If you really like him, try again. If you're still repulsed, then it's probably not going to work out with him. That's okay. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

[Charlie Harper]

a Good kiss will make you feel incredible...

 

Then again like some people are bad at dancing so they are bad as kissers, but ther e is hope you can train and learn...

[Lego]

Ok I think I'm getting it now, he has no idea what he is doing either - which is great coz it means you can have fun working out what you like together!

It sounds like he's just going at your mouth like a cement mixer - all fast noisy and mechanical - is that it? None of the soft gentle sensuality like you expected? (And which experienced guys are like)

Kissing is one of the best thing ever - I promise!

Biting lips is usually something that comes much later in a very different context.

Try kissing him the way you would like to be kissed, only tell him first, does that sound like something you would be comfortable with?

Heh, think you got it - funny analogy. And will do.

 

 

It doesn't mean you're fundamentally incompatible or that this is evidence that your relationship is doomed. I think you're trying to, like, apply science to this, or something.

 

If you really like him, try again. If you're still repulsed, then it's probably not going to work out with him. That's okay. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

I'm a pretty scientific/analytic person who also has a proclivity towards worrying. Bad combo. And thanks.

[Archgirl]

Yeah, I well remember the cement mixer kissers! At least they're always enthusiastic!

Actually, I don't even have to remember that far back - a guy I dated last year kissed me with so much force I thought he was trying to see if he could compress my neck through my shoulders, and it was like being kissed by a cross between a dentist drill, washing mashine and a electric mixer. With bad breath. He didn't want to do it any other way though. And he was 30 and by no means inexperienced. So if it doesn't get better after, oh I don't know 5-6 good sessions it's probably not going to and it's not you!

[Archgirl]

 

I'm a pretty scientific/analytic person who also has a proclivity towards worrying. Bad combo. And thanks.

 

As far as I can tell everyone on here regularly is! I know I am!

[Lego]

Something I didn't mention before is that he CAN be really gentle. Like when holding my hand or holding me in general when watching a movie or something. He's definitely capable of "barely there" kind of caress I like. He's sensitive in the way he talks and dresses as well.

It's weird to me that someone can be so... polarized like that.

 

@Archgirl - Sorry to hear about your Dentist-washingmachine-mixer experience - mine had good breath at least! I'm curious if that same guy was gentle in other ways (like in the ways I mentioned above) or if he was all around a forceful person in his demeanor and such. To me, it seems like they are 2 completely separate issues.

[rocketman122]

For awhile now, I've been going out with a really great guy. We have a strong emotional bond, and I find him physically attractive. I had thought about kissing him often.

 

We finally "made out" last night and it... didn't feel right. I didn't feel turned on at all, just kinda neutral and a little grossed out. Bear in mind I have almost no "passionate lip kissing" experience. (I've done the lip peck, and also kissing cheeks/neck before, that's it.) So I can't tell if:

A. He's a good kisser and I just had the wrong expectations (or broken sex drive) or...

B. He's not "doing it right."

 

Let me try to describe the kiss:

• It was... very scratchy. Even though he doesn't look unshaven, his chin felt so rough that it was almost painful after awhile. Do women actually like stubble?
  
• It was very loud and very wet. I always imagined kissing to be quiet and "velvety", and this is the kind that would definitely be heard from another room.
  
• It was "sucky." (By that I don't mean the generalized "it sucked," it was that he kind of grabbed my bottom or top lip in his own and sucked on it hard.) Is this normal?
  
• It was often lost of fast kisses instead of one drawn out one.
  
• He tried some tongue too. I allowed a little of it but didn't really enjoy it. I hear that tongues have a lot of nerve endings so it should have felt good, but this just felt very... slimy and neutral.
  

 

So, I enjoyed being close to him, but just didn't feel "turned on" by the kissing the way I've been told I'm supposed to by the media and people online. No fireworks in my head, or hot tingly feeling, or anything like that. (But what if it's just me? Maybe I'm more asexual than I thought?)

 

 

And if part of the problem IS him, what's the best way to tell him I didn't really enjoy it? I don't want to hurt his feelings... I was thinking about maybe telling him I felt like we went too hard out of the gate and I want to experiment more with gentler kissing, and also I want to tell him to shave better beforehand. Does that sound too demanding of me when we're so new to doing it? Is there a better way to word it?

 

My own fantasies about kissing are still so vague that I don't even know if I can ever get it in real life... it's frustrating. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

-Lego

 

Not sure if youre a good kisser or not, but IMO a bad kisser says everything about who they are and how they are in bed. a good kisser is one who can change his style to fit the others and make it work. hes flexible andknows how to make things work. to me, kissing is more important than intercourse itself. I will not date someone who is not a good kisser. a bad kisser is a turn off. I dont want to teach either. either you have it or dont. if the person is young they can learn it themselves over time, but if youre 30+ and still dont know how to kiss, then s-hit, youre in trouble. kissing to me will tell you how sensual you are and how good you are with oral and even how you touch. if youre attentive and caring and open sexually. I can tell a lot about how the woman kisses. even what you do with your hands while kissing. a great kisser is also a great lover.

[Lego]

Not sure if youre a good kisser or not, but IMO a bad kisser says everything about who they are and how they are in bed. a good kisser is one who can change his style to fit the others and make it work. hes flexible andknows how to make things work. to me, kissing is more important than intercourse itself. I will not date someone who is not a good kisser. a bad kisser is a turn off. I dont want to teach either. either you have it or dont. if the person is young they can learn it themselves over time, but if youre 30+ and still dont know how to kiss, then s-hit, youre in trouble. kissing to me will tell you how sensual you are and how good you are with oral and even how you touch. if youre attentive and caring and open sexually. I can tell a lot about how the woman kisses. even what you do with your hands while kissing. a great kisser is also a great lover.

I see where you're coming from, but here's the problem:

Me, in my inexperience, pretty much adapted myself to fit him. I kept up the pace, and sorta mirrored what he was doing. I didn't want him to think I was being unenthusiastic or something. I was just too nervous to try to alter the course. (I guess you could argue that if he was REALLY perceptive, he would've seen that I was just keeping up, but maybe I did a good enough job too fool him?)

 

I'm 23 (almost 24) and he's 24. You mention the age of 30 as a cutoff. May I ask how you assessed people's abilities back in your early 20's?

 

I don't really agree with the "you have it or you don't" mentality, since just about every aspect of life I've EVER seen that applied to, has ended up being proven wrong.

Edited February 8, 2013 by Lego