afraid to let go

[grace777]

Well, I'm in a new spot now. I've been feeling myself arriving here for a couple of weeks, but I'm scared and wondering if any of you have felt this way? Is this normal?

 

Recap - I was in a 3.5 year relationship that ended 4 months ago. She broke up with me.

 

Now, lately, I've been almost completely letting go. But for some strange reason, it's like I'm afraid to... Like if I really let go, that's it. But I don't want her anymore. A part of me dreams of us reuniting in the future, but now I'm even letting that go.

 

And as soon as I start to entertain these thoughts, I interrupt myself and hold onto something. I feel terrified to really accept that not only is the relationship 100% done, but the friendship may be 100% done too. I feel like the vast majority of who I am wants this, but this small part just won't release. In a weird way, I almost feel guilty for giving up. But then again, I don't feel that I am giving up, just over it and relaxed (finally) about it being over. Maybe even relieved...and then I feel guilty again. What the Hell is wrong with me?!

 

I can't imagine why I'm so scared. But I am. I realize I may sound foolish and dramatic, but I'm being completely honest right now. I'm a very stable person (minus the first 2 months post BU) - and now I am so confused.

 

Advice? Insight? Opinions?

[destroyed4sho]

Well, I'm in a new spot now. I've been feeling myself arriving here for a couple of weeks, but I'm scared and wondering if any of you have felt this way? Is this normal?

 

Recap - I was in a 3.5 year relationship that ended 4 months ago. She broke up with me.

 

Now, lately, I've been almost completely letting go. But for some strange reason, it's like I'm afraid to... Like if I really let go, that's it. But I don't want her anymore. A part of me dreams of us reuniting in the future, but now I'm even letting that go.

 

And as soon as I start to entertain these thoughts, I interrupt myself and hold onto something. I feel terrified to really accept that not only is the relationship 100% done, but the friendship may be 100% done too. I feel like the vast majority of who I am wants this, but this small part just won't release. In a weird way, I almost feel guilty for giving up. But then again, I don't feel that I am giving up, just over it and relaxed (finally) about it being over. Maybe even relieved...and then I feel guilty again. What the Hell is wrong with me?!

 

I can't imagine why I'm so scared. But I am. I realize I may sound foolish and dramatic, but I'm being completely honest right now. I'm a very stable person (minus the first 2 months post BU) - and now I am so confused.

 

Advice? Insight? Opinions?

 

I remember your story. I was actually feeling the same today MINUS the Guilty part. Why do you feel guilty?

 

I am 5 months BU and over a month NC. I feel like its finally over but I am not over it yet. What I mean by "finally over" is that I have actually entered the acceptance stage. So the going back and forth of will we ever reunite?, no we will, no we wont, will she call and apologize?, etc....is over. The answer is no, we will not reunite and no she will not call. But I am still not over the BU just at a different higher stage.

 

Yes, I am scared to be in that stage because it means letting go of all the hope that I had over the last 5 months. And I worked so hard to keep it alive and real, and I was just fooling myself. I worked so hard to create an imaginary world and keep it going, and now I must write the last verse, so to speak.

 

I do feel some relief but no guilt. I want this stage to hurry along..so I can get to the good stuff - Indifference.

[ow9]

You're not being foolish or dramatic. For the first time recently, in a long time, I've day dreamed of meeting someone new. What's sick? I feel guilty when I do. I am still checking my phone obsessively knowing a message from him won't be there. It's so hard. But what's harder? You. You can do this. I tell myself that everyday and I want desperately to look back at my relationship some day and think, "what a jerk he was." We're here for you...

I come to LS when I feel weak. I commend you for expressing your hurt. Because frankly? This blows...

[stevie_23]

I know this feeling. I’m not there yet though, not quite.

 

If you truly let go, it’s as if you’re letting go of the hope you’ve had that has kept you going for the past few months. The hope that you might be with her again one day. The need to know she still loves you and there are “other factors” that have caused this situation. Once you truly let go, none of this is relevant anymore. That hope fades and at first it hurts to realise that, and also the need to know she loves you isn’t as important anymore.

 

You might be placing your happiness on this situation of hope you had in your mind. You remember your time with her as being happy and the hope was a continuation of that…the only thing you had left to hang onto. So your situation over the past few months has been very UN-happy and difficult compared to the situation prior to that, when you were together, and you were happy. So to let go? It may seem you are letting go of that particular happiness and going forward into…what? The unknown I guess.

 

But really, you’re not letting go of the happiness you had. You’re not letting go of anything you felt. You’re just letting go of the NEED to be with her, to hang onto her, to have hope that you will be with her again, and you’re mainly letting go of unhappiness.

 

As far as the guilt you feel…this is normal. Guilt I find is a fairly unproductive emotion. It just complicates things when tangled up in the grieving process. You have nothing to feel guilty for, then or now. You were good to your ex, you loved her, she knew that you loved her, she left you for whatever reasons (which are valid to her), you accepted it as hard as that was, you never tried to hold her back or repress who she seemed to need to be, you have tried to be friends with her and now you are releasing your feelings in order to move on and be happy, you feel guilty. Silly girl! Lol. Nah, seriously, I understand. But feeling this way is not hurting her. It’s just allowing you to be happy within this situation, that was not even your choosing in the first place.

[grace777]

Thanks for the feedback guys. It means a lot and, you know, I've never been through this before. I have gone through break ups. One was even with someone I believed (at the time) I was in love with. But this is the only one that has been this hard.

 

Oddly, she called me tonight. In fact, I just hung up with her. She told me she missed me, and that she feels good about our friendship. But then she felt compelled to express that she doesn't think we'll ever be close friends like we used to be, even before the relationship. I don't know how to take this or what it means? What she meant or why she had to say it?

 

When we were talking, her new 'other' said hi to me via text. I said, oh...blah, blah, blah...hey. This bothered my ex because she wanted me to be all happy and fine with the new person in her life. And although I've accepted it, how can she want me to be happy about getting a "hi" from the person she left me for? That seems ridiculous to me. This is the person who came between us...of course I don't want to be all buddy-buddy with her. And for that matter, why would she tell my ex to tell me hi? What the Hell is that.

 

Anyways, now after hanging up with her, it's cemented in the fact that I have to STOP feeling guilty about letting her go, and just let go. It does still bother me that the new girl is telling me "hi"...I don't get why she'd do that. Insight?

 

Still, yes, after this call that was mostly pleasant. We laughed. Caught up. Talked about all kinds of things. She even talked to me about the new girl I'm dating and assured me that I'm very attractive and a catch, so not to be insecure at all. But the end of the convo - when her new lover started texting, it got weird.

 

It's time for me to go and let go. Wow. What a day I've had. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts. It helps a lot.

[grace777]

I'm wondering if this is the last step in the healing process?

 

I found out a few months ago that my ex boyfriend, who is the only other person that I (thought I) loved, got married. When I did, I felt happy for him. Although surprised because I know his character, I was happy that he found someone. I felt indifferent.

 

Our relationship ended about 5 years ago. I'd known him my whole life, and we were together for 2 years. It ended badly. 2 years later I met my current ex.

 

But I felt indifference to him. Even my good friends asked how I felt. My response was, cool - I don't really care....

 

So I'm wondering. Is this, how I'm feeling now, the final phase before I reach that state with this, current, ex? I guess I'm hoping so...

[destroyed4sho]

Wow...sounds like you had a rough day. I dont know why lesbians always want to be friends with their exs, have their exs be friends with their gfs, or exs with their prevoius exs and all exs thereafter. I will never get that, maybe someone can explain the psychology behind that?

 

Anyway, I think you should go NC OR at least lay lower. I dont think this is healthy for you because.now its getting to the point where you have do things that dont feel.right...like saying hi to her gf. I dont know how you do it...i wouldnt be able to. Maybe you are stronger than me.

 

It seems that she wants you three to be one happy family so that she can have her cake and eat it too, so to speak.

[Own Worst Enemy]

trust me. you are not alone and it is perfectly normal.

[cavalier99]

Well, I'm in a new spot now. I've been feeling myself arriving here for a couple of weeks, but I'm scared and wondering if any of you have felt this way? Is this normal?

 

Recap - I was in a 3.5 year relationship that ended 4 months ago. She broke up with me.

 

Now, lately, I've been almost completely letting go. But for some strange reason, it's like I'm afraid to... Like if I really let go, that's it. But I don't want her anymore. A part of me dreams of us reuniting in the future, but now I'm even letting that go.

 

And as soon as I start to entertain these thoughts, I interrupt myself and hold onto something. I feel terrified to really accept that not only is the relationship 100% done, but the friendship may be 100% done too. I feel like the vast majority of who I am wants this, but this small part just won't release. In a weird way, I almost feel guilty for giving up. But then again, I don't feel that I am giving up, just over it and relaxed (finally) about it being over. Maybe even relieved...and then I feel guilty again. What the Hell is wrong with me?!

 

I can't imagine why I'm so scared. But I am. I realize I may sound foolish and dramatic, but I'm being completely honest right now. I'm a very stable person (minus the first 2 months post BU) - and now I am so confused.

 

Advice? Insight? Opinions?

 

On some level we are all afraid of letting go 100 percent. Because when that finally happens the last emotional tie we have to that person is broken and there is no going back ever to those hopes and dreams.

 

And although we know logically that it is time to move on completely there is part of us that still clings to the pain because that is all we have left. Once that is gone...we are indifferent and there is no going back.

 

Its what we want but is scary.

[FailedFirstLove]

I'm not at that point. But even now... I'm afraid that one day I will let go. I hate knowing that the 4 years will completely end. I feel as if that 4 years was wasted... I want to keep myself holding onto something. But live my life at te same time

[grace777]

I hear ya, FailedFirst, I am also living my life. And I know what you mean about the time you spent being now seen as a waste. I was there too, not too long ago. But I've now gotten to a point where I can look back as that time with appreciation for what it was and what the relationship taught me. If nothing else, it taught me what real love feels like. Now I want that with someone else. I don't see it as a waste. I now see it as an eye-opening experience with lots of really great memories.

 

Now if i can just figure out whether or not to keep her in my life as a friend. It's hard because I do care deeply for her, but it's also hard because I feel like I'm trapping myself in a stage that prevents me from fully moving on. My task now is to see if I can completely let go while still being friends...or if I must cut all ties.

[cavalier99]

Even though you feelings/ emotional connection to her is greatly diminished and you are getting indifferent ...you aren't letting go completely..and you really need to do this even if you want to be friends successfully.

 

Forget about the friend thing for now and if you want revisit that is 6 months or so fine. Otherwise it isn't productive to completely recovering or isn't fair to your new relationship prospects

[grace777]

Cav, for some reason, this advice hit home more than any I've heard on LS thus far. Thank you.

 

I am wrapping my mind around going NC again. I did it before all of November and half of December. It really helped take me out of my depression and move on. I can only think that by doing this again, it will get me over this last hump.

 

I do like this other girl a lot. She's super successful, beautiful, a smart ass (like me), loves literature, we have similar music tastes and I get so excited when she contacts me. I feel giddy again - and it's super fun. I don't know where it's going, but I think you're right. I'm not even giving it a fair shot if I'm still hung up - even slightly - on my ex...and even worse, still communicating with her.

 

I do believe that it's best to cut off contact again. If by summer I feel like I want to be friend with her, maybe we can be. But for now, I do believe I have to 100% let go.

 

Now the hard part is actually doing it...

[NoMagicBullet]

On some level we are all afraid of letting go 100 percent. Because when that finally happens the last emotional tie we have to that person is broken and there is no going back ever to those hopes and dreams.

 

And although we know logically that it is time to move on completely there is part of us that still clings to the pain because that is all we have left. Once that is gone...we are indifferent and there is no going back.

 

Its what we want but is scary.

 

This is so true. I've felt exactly the same way you have, grace777, including the guilt. I know from past experience that once the door is closed for me, it can't be opened again. It's kind of like this: even the hurt feelings are still feelings, and even in those there is hope that things could be different if the other person changed their mind. Of course, they won't, and all we really have to hold is the pain. But it's still something to lose. It's the final loss.

 

And the indifference to follow is like an emptiness, a nothingness -- kind of horrible in it's own way. We may not hurt anymore, but we know we won't be able to feel the good feelings anymore either, even if we wanted to. So yeah, it's really, really hard to let go of those last little bits of feeling.

 

 

Now if i can just figure out whether or not to keep her in my life as a friend. It's hard because I do care deeply for her, but it's also hard because I feel like I'm trapping myself in a stage that prevents me from fully moving on. My task now is to see if I can completely let go while still being friends...or if I must cut all ties.

 

Best to cut ties. It doesn't mean you don't care for her, it only means you care enough about yourself to do right by you -- because otherwise, you would definitely be trapping yourself in a stage that would hinder moving on.

 

 

Even though you feelings/ emotional connection to her is greatly diminished and you are getting indifferent ...you aren't letting go completely..and you really need to do this even if you want to be friends successfully.

 

Forget about the friend thing for now and if you want revisit that is 6 months or so fine. Otherwise it isn't productive to completely recovering or isn't fair to your new relationship prospects

 

Very good advice.

[oracle]

I was there too for the first year and half.. You eventually get to a point where you want better for your life, and do let go.. Its not something you can specifically do.. Its something that eventually happens.

 

Well, I'm in a new spot now. I've been feeling myself arriving here for a couple of weeks, but I'm scared and wondering if any of you have felt this way? Is this normal?

 

Recap - I was in a 3.5 year relationship that ended 4 months ago. She broke up with me.

 

Now, lately, I've been almost completely letting go. But for some strange reason, it's like I'm afraid to... Like if I really let go, that's it. But I don't want her anymore. A part of me dreams of us reuniting in the future, but now I'm even letting that go.

 

And as soon as I start to entertain these thoughts, I interrupt myself and hold onto something. I feel terrified to really accept that not only is the relationship 100% done, but the friendship may be 100% done too. I feel like the vast majority of who I am wants this, but this small part just won't release. In a weird way, I almost feel guilty for giving up. But then again, I don't feel that I am giving up, just over it and relaxed (finally) about it being over. Maybe even relieved...and then I feel guilty again. What the Hell is wrong with me?!

 

I can't imagine why I'm so scared. But I am. I realize I may sound foolish and dramatic, but I'm being completely honest right now. I'm a very stable person (minus the first 2 months post BU) - and now I am so confused.

 

Advice? Insight? Opinions?

[grace777]

Thanks, Oracle. It's heartbreaking, but at the same time I want it. And I believe I need it. It's so hard when you love someone so much and you know they love you so much too. Leaving and cutting ties altogether terrifies me. Because there is a real possibility, that I may never see her again. And I think that is the hardest part for me to accept.

[grace777]

Wow...sounds like you had a rough day. I dont know why lesbians always want to be friends with their exs, have their exs be friends with their gfs, or exs with their prevoius exs and all exs thereafter. I will never get that, maybe someone can explain the psychology behind that?

 

I thought I posted a reply to this earlier today, but I'll do it again...

 

I would LOVE to know the psychology behind lesbians wanting all exes to be friends with every other person! It kills me! If anyone has thoughts on this strange, but very real trend, please post!

[stevie_23]

Well...my ex-gf is my best friend. And when she broke up with me back in 2001, it was to be with her new gf who also was a friend of mine. Things were VERY odd for a while but within a year, me and the new gf were really close friends too. I felt that if I was truly going to be my ex's BEST friend (as we had been for 8 years already), I couldn't NOT be ok with her gf. We couldn't have that between us. That gf left my ex several years ago and my ex hated her for a long time but now even they're friends. What is WITH lesbians!?!? lol

 

Anyway...whenI read your post about the phone conversation you had, I was thinking...you need a break I think, from the friendship, because you are still over-thinking things. Yes, from your perspective it's somewhat odd and inappropriate that your ex would have her gf text you and say hi. But from a FRIEND'S perspective (which she is at), it's not really so strange at all.

 

So you're not at that friend's perspective yet, you know? And so anything she does, trying to be a friend...inviting you to go somewhere with her AND her gf for example...that to you will seem weird and unpleasant, but to her it's trying to hang out with you and be your friend and incorporate you into her life with her gf. At this point you'd probably be happier to hang out with JUST her alone, and you'd view this as valuing your friendship. And if she wants her gf to come along, you'd feel she was NOT valuing that maybe. But if you WERE in that friendship place, then you'd be fine with it and it'd be normal.

 

So. A break maybe. To let you rest and relax a little. Let go of that last part of all of this. It doesn't mean you can't EVER see her again or you can't be friends ever again.

 

My ex and her ex (the one I mentioned above)...they broke up around 2006 or 2007 I think. My ex HATED her and they had absolutely NC for YEARS, and then lo and behold, last year? They became Facebook friends again, and they'vd caught up in person a few times too (they live in different states now). It kind of feels like things have come full circle now, for them.

[grace777]

Damn, you're insightful, Stevie...

 

Yes, I'm taking your advice. I'm going to try my hardest to stay off of her fb and instagram accounts, and not to call/text or respond to her. We weren't talking on a daily basis before though...more like every week or two.

 

But yes, I see what you're saying about the friend thing. I wish I could be cool with the other girl. And I think if the breakup went differently, I would be. But she left me for (and maybe even cheated on me with) this woman. The woman also cheated on her long term, live-in gf....the whole thing is shady as hell and grosses me out. And although both were obviously involved, I am disgusted with the new gf beyond belief. That's why I don't think I'll ever be cool with her. She's manipulative (I'll spare you the stories) and a shady-ass person.

 

Still, be that as it may, I need to let go. I'll be leaving town for a trip all next week that will keep me very busy. This week I'm prepping for that trip --- so that's too busy weeks where I just don't have the time to think of or talk to her... Maybe by the end of Feb. I'll be nearly out. It's hard to believe that in March it will have been 5 months since the breakup. Wow.