9Lives Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 So Throwed Off!! My mm of 8 months just walked away. He did not say anything. He just left and I am hurt. I am not totally broke down but I just dont understand why. We had a good relationship. Good communication and good sex. We talked about everything including his feelings for me. We talked everyday except on the weekend. He asked me not to date anyone else. We made plans for the future. Nothing serious but just some things we were gonna do. We got along very well. He told me it scared him because he trust me alot and that he did not want anyone to be with me. One day he told me he was torn. He said me in his life makes him complete and happy. I believe he loves his wife but I feel like I provided some things that he really like and did not want to let go besides sex. He started to go to church alot and he told me that he feels guilty as well. I AM POSITIVE, WITHOUT A DOUDT, that he really cares for me. I did expect the relationship not to end but I just dont understand why he could not be a man about it and say good bye. Why he just left. I told him I was in the hospital and he did not even call me back or ask me what is wrong or check to see if I am out of the hospital. He just continued on. Maybe he didn't leave. Maybe he just is taking a break. Maybe he didn't want to tell me it is over. Maybe he needs to find himself. I dont know. I hope someone can help me out. I am confused why did not say good bye if this is good bye.
fanou22 Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Seems your MM had a surge of morals to end things with you. He may have chosen not to say goodbye knowing that he may not be able to leave. Good luck with the coming days but it seems that this is it. But then again who knows? Maybe his wife found out.
Author 9Lives Posted August 28, 2004 Author Posted August 28, 2004 Thank you for responding. I am having a rough day. It is not bad that the relationship is over. It is more that he just left and that is what hurts more. Yes I do care for him but I did not want him to just walk out of my life. Why did he have to do that? I can't seem to accept that within myself. Like I said, I dont even know if he is gone or what. If he calls I am going to ask him why. I know I need to move on and I want to but I guess I just feel bad and want answers. He is not the person for me and I know that. Please help me find some peace within.
smile95 Posted August 29, 2004 Posted August 29, 2004 The exact same thing happened to me. My guy is finally getting to the end of his divorce and custody crap and he just stopped calling? I chased him for a while and was so upset and told him I needed him and NOTHING??? I think he is confused about what his life has turned into. I am so mad! He will not take my calls or emails. he did this once before and said he needed time to think. We were talking about the future and everything and then suddenly-he is gone? No goodbye-nothing. I hope he needs space? I hope he calls. I have stopped contacting him(last time that is when he called me). I am on day 6 of no contact. But he has not contacted me in a month. I a lost and hurt, but I can only hope this is the same thing that happ last time. How do they just leave? I even asked him to text me that we were over so I could have closure and he did not. If you find a way to move on...let me know.
Author 9Lives Posted August 30, 2004 Author Posted August 30, 2004 Beth, Your post was interesting. I will never understand how you can just walk and not say anything. All I know is that it makes for an unhealthy relationship. That might sound crazy but it is not fair for them to do that. Just end the damm thing. Be man enough. It is normal for you to feel empty and unhappy. So dont feel bad about that. What has to be done is we need to disqualify this guys in our lives. DISQUALIFY. I believe these guys are just so selfish that they will not say good bye just in case. They want to leave the door open. This is the first time he has done this to me as far as not contacting me for going on 4 days but I am certain that I will not put up with this kind of stuff much longer. I like him alot. I might love him but I dont want him to do this to me again. It messes me up. He told me he was torn and I believe he is but I thought he would talk to me not just go away for a while. I just dont understand that. It is abandonment. When your mm did it the first time, did he say he needed space and that is it? What else did he say? I have not chased mine because that just makes them run even more. I have just decided to accept that he is either gone or getting his head together or whatever. I am not sure. All I know is that I want to be stronger. I want to hopefully meet someone I really like so I dont have to think about him. It has been fun and I loved being with him. I am still weak for him too. I just cant let him run in and out of my life. It is too much. How do you feel?
smile95 Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 I do not really know how to feel anymore. He does this alot. We love each other, but when he does this, it hurts. The last time his lawyer advises us to lay low and he just cut me off and did not tell me why until 2 moths later. He is selfish in every sense of his life. Last time he said he was scared and did not want to talk about it anymore. That time, Itook him back. Icry and cry and it does not help anything. Last time hw called when I stopped. So I stopped and I am getting usaed to being alone. It is also a LDR too so that makes it even harder. I havea feeling he is leaving the door open also...like a fall back. Not this time for me. I am done. I cannot deal with his silent treatment. If it was to lay low again since the divorce is happening, he could have told me. We planned out whole future together. It sucks. But I have to move on.
Author 9Lives Posted August 30, 2004 Author Posted August 30, 2004 Beth honey I know how you feel. How long have you been dealing with this?
smile95 Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 We have been together for 2 yrs and I have been waiting while he was sep for the day his div would be final and now that it is....he shuts me out? I guess that is the thanks I get right? I do not understand how hard a divorce is or how child custody is, but I imagine it is emotional. He also os having so much stress at work. I asked him the day before he cut contact what was wrong and he said he was confused about what was going on in the divorce. I asked if he was confused about me and he said no and that he loved me. I guess I have no choice, but to back off. He was my world and promised me sooo much. I fell for it all. Maybe he is scared? I have no idea. I imagine I will hear from himone day, but I wish ehe would call. I wish for one second he felt how I was feeling. I hate himmost days, but then I hear a song and get soooooo sad. It is up and down for me. I wish he would at least end it so I am not in limbo? Do they just want us to hang on but not break it off? I am so confused-how long have you been together? Do you try and talk to him?
Author 9Lives Posted August 30, 2004 Author Posted August 30, 2004 Beth, I have only been involved for 8 months. The first time he called it off he told me that things had gotten better at home and he did not want to do this anymore. I told him the reason things are better is because of me and that he will be back and about a month later he was back. This time we been seeing each other for about 3 months again and this time we got very close. He began to open up to me and I could read him like a book anyway for the most part. He told me he was torn and he felt bad. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He told me his life is complete with me and her in it. Then last week we have a very deep conversations for about 5 hours. He told me he did not want me to be with anyone and he was saying other things. I cant remember everything. The next day we had very hot passionate sex. Which was very common for us. Then I did not talk to him for 3 days, then i talked to him for one day then now it has been 4 days. Like what am I suppose to do and think? This is ridiculous. I still want to know what he says to you when he returns. He is apologetic? Do you just start having sex with him again? How do you handle this? Beth, I am here for you. You can contact me anytime.
smile95 Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 THanks I am here for you too. It has been hard for me to find anyone going thru the same thing. No he was not saying sorry at all. He was saying this was his life and moneyon the line and he was forced to shut me off for a while and said he did not really want to talk about it. So Idropped it and told myself I would never let him ignroe me again. His lawyer did tell us to stop since she(wifey) got a PI on him. I would understand if that happ again, but he could have told me. We live so far apart that we cannot just have sex and make up. I have not seen himin 7 months. It is hard. We kinda cooled it from the beginning as soon as she started catching onto him. They have lived sep for 2 yrs, so I know they are not getting back. BUt I know he hates that he is getting divorced and is embarrassed. He prides himself on mainey and it kills him that she gets most of it. He also loves his son very much and will not get 50-50. he said he will loe his wife for giving him his son, but they will not get back. I bel that, but I also think he is stressed. He was taking antidepressants since work got crazy and I know he loves me. i know it. I just have to move on now. He will call. But i have to give him time to miss me. We had such a connection. I am sure he will call you. It has already been a month since he called me and I am torn. I chased and chased for 3 wks and finally quit and told him i quit. But since i say that so much, he will not know i am seriuos until he sees I really am not calling. I am not sure what to do or think. Everything is in limbo. Does his wife know f you? Do they live together? kids?
Author 9Lives Posted August 30, 2004 Author Posted August 30, 2004 No his wife does not know about me. He is not planning on leaving her I dont think. I think he could for the most part be happy, I think. I am really not sure. I think he likes my personality. I dont think we are in love. I always separated myself from him and her relationship by telling him this is us and that is them. I really dont want to know what is going on between them. I couldn't stand it. Thank you so much for being there for me too. I need someone who understands this mess. I dont want to go thru this by myself. I am very weak. Easily persuaded to give him his way. I dont want him to run in and out of my life. I cant deal with it. I am crazy about him, I want to stay but I want to go. You know what I mean. I dont want to let him think he can get away with this. I just want to get stronger. The longer he is gone the strong I can get. I need to break the spell. I dont trust him with my love but I like him sooooo much. It is wild to me. What do you think?
snilljente Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 Unmarried men do this too..meaning they just disappear from a seemingly good relationship with no explanation, no answers, just take the cowardly way out by not letting us know what is going on and that they want to end things..yes, part of it may be leaving the door open, and another part maybe that they are scared to confront us, confront their feelings knowing that they may not be able to go through with ending things...I had this happen to me recently, the guy supposed adored me, everything was WONDERFUL...did the disappearing act.....and a week ago, I had his much younger girlfriend calling me telling me that he is just too "nice" to tell me that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me....I told her and him that this is not how a nice person acts, a nice person considers the other persons feelings as well as their own and has the decency to let the other person know, upfront, what is going on, even if it means meeting someone else.....These are cowardly, self centered, emotionally immature men who don't deserve us.....but, I know it still hurts.
Author 9Lives Posted August 30, 2004 Author Posted August 30, 2004 Thank you, thank you, thank you.!!!!!!! Yes it is very mean and it is not right. He should have been man enough to discuss this not walk out. Have you talked to him as of yet? What is going on now. I am so glad to have you guys. It really helps.
snilljente Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 No, I have not talked to him....a week ago, I got sad and sent him a text message just saying that I still missed him and wished I could understand why he had thrown me away like something disposable....All of a sudden, I got a barrage of calls from his number and another number that I did not recognize...it was his new 24 year old gf's #...She proceeded to leave me both voice and text messages saying to get the clue that he didn't want to have anything to do with me and was just too "nice" to tell me that I should leave him alone while I still had some of my dignity and that I am psycho and have issues....HERE I AM WITH A STRANGER WHO DOESN'T KNOW ME AND WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TELLING ME THAT I AM NUTS AND HAVE NO REASON TO BE SAD/GRIEVING!! It was disgusting and I have not heard from him or her since...I sent him a letter just so I could get my feelings out..it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I am 35, he is 33....I have been divorced for about 3 years...when I met him I told him that I had dated alot of different guys, but that I had not felt the way I felt about him with any of them...he told me that he had only felt this way "once before in his life"...(he is divorced too).....I told him I was scared to let the wall down and tell him how I felt, shared...he encouraged me to "try"...I did after I finally started to feel safe with him...then out of the blue, he said he had alot of personal stress (legal issue which I knew about, but we had been communicating about them the whole team and tackling them together) and that he wanted some space....we continued to communicate for about 1 1/2 weeks at the beginning of this period...and then after a teary phone call with me when I said it seemed like he wanted to break up, but was just trying to let me down easy, etc...(I asked him several times if he wanted to break up and he said each time that he still wanted to spend time with me, but was just trying to get through a difficult time and for me not to take it personally)...he stopped returning my calls, messages, etc....about a week later, I got a call from someone who had found out that he had the new 24 yr old gf.... When I confronted him about it...via text, since he wouldn't take my calls, he said that I "couldn't possibly understand unless I was in his shoes (he is facing jail time,which I had said I would see him through)....he is now with her 24/7 and I have heard that he has been wining and dining her big time and has even given her his ex wife's ring, the same ring he asked me to try on so he could see "how it looked on my finger"...Even though I am 35, people tell me often that I look much younger than my age...I am fit, told that I am very pretty, etc..(not to sound conceited!) and he leaves me for a 24 yr old...after telling me how much he cares....What do you think? I don't get it...This last month has been the most painful I have felt in a LONG, LONG time, if ever...I didn't feel this way when my ex husband left...the pain has just been unbearable...I seriously thought I had met the ONE, he went along, played the game, told me how much he cared, bla bla bla and then BAM!
Author 9Lives Posted August 30, 2004 Author Posted August 30, 2004 You have been thru alot and deserve to feel all the the emotions you are feeling. So dont feel bad about that. This guy has been disqualified!!!! He is not good for you or anyone really. He has a lot of issues and this is probably a blessing in disguise. He is not a good person. You dont want anyone like that in your life. Unfortunately when we date, we open up ourselves to many different situations. This is just teaching you to be more careful in the future. I too am leaving a husband. I am a good woman who will help her man thru whatever. But you have to been careful not to give too much. Men who invest in relationship are more like to stay in it more so. If he does not invest anything. He is out to get what he wants and that is it. I have learned that thru this experience as well. So try to be good to yourself. Do whatever it takes to get this out of your system. Try to get into more healthy relationships. This guy is no good. You are better off babe. I know it hurts and I totally understand but you need to heal from this madness. He is cruel. Thank God he is gone. You deserve better, more, and lots of love not this love and rejection. Talk to you soon.
snilljente Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 Thanks for your kind words...I know what you mean about him not being a good person, I guess the rejection and the way he did it is what hurts, even though he doesn't deserve me and I know I am better off...you just have to wonder sometimes why people have to be unnecessarily cruel?! I hope that his new gf realizes this soon and doesn't end up with the heartache that I have....You are right about investing too much...exactly what my brother said...it's hard though, because like you, I am a "stand by your man" kind of girl...I am very picky about who I date seriously, but when I do something, my nature is to give 100%..this related to most aspects of my life...I think that some people take this and take advantage of it....I have to learn to protect myself first and foremost until I have seen over a LONG period of time that the person deserves that high of a level of commitment/investment...thanks for your encouragement...I hope that you are hanging in there as welll...we have to take care of ourselves...my brother said that I should treat myself like a prize and make the guys work harder at "getting" me....after he told me that, I declared the next several months to myself as time to spoil myself and focus on treating myself like a princess, no man needed....You should do the same....goodnight and thanks again.
smile95 Posted August 30, 2004 Posted August 30, 2004 I was thining last night (as always) and I thought to myself that you really deserve much better. I do not doubt that you guys have feelings for each other, but don't you want someone all to yourself? If he does not even have plans to leave, what does the future hold with this guy? I know my guy has a way with words and I fall for it all the time, but you deserve so much more!!! You deserve to get him 100% of the time. Unless you do not see a future and you are just having fun, maybe you should take snilljente's advice and do things for yourself for a while. I would not want to be with someone unlesss i knew there were plans for him to leave? Unless i did not really see a future and was just having fun? Sorry if that was mean, but my guy is really going thru a div and still cut me off due to stress? Do you want to wait 2 yrs like me and feel this then??? I feel bad now, but I think you sound so sweet and caring and I think you deserve sooooo much more. Have a good day!
Author 9Lives Posted August 31, 2004 Author Posted August 31, 2004 You and snilljente are correct. I never asked him to leave and I am not asking him now. I just was kicking it with him because I really dont want a commited relationship. I know it is dump but hey the heart is not the brain. I still dont want him to leave. I want him to respect me and treat me nice since I am nice to give of myself to him. I called him today and we talked about it. He is crazy. He doesnt know what to do with himself. I asked him what he wants and he dont know. I am like tripping on him. I am definately going to give myself the royal treatment this month. Dont get me wrong, I still like him and miss him but I realized that I am way to wrapped up in this man. I need to pull back and think about my future. I know that. We are suppose to workout tomorrow but I am going to cancel. I need to do my own thang for a while. Make him miss me and give us time to realize this is not that serious. My heart should not be bleeding. Guys, I have to tell you that I have been with a man who left is wife and kids. We got married and have a child together. Now I can't stand the thought of being his wife. Things change when you marry these dudes. He still loves me and wants us to work it out but I dont want to be with him. I guess that is why I dont want this guy to leave. He can only be my boyfriend. Can't wait to hear from you both soon. You are magnificent!!!!
smile95 Posted August 31, 2004 Posted August 31, 2004 I am very interested to hear how things changed for you when you married the guy that left his family for you. Please make me hate him now before he leaves. It will save me a lot of time. Did you end up going to work out with him? Have you talked again?
Author 9Lives Posted September 2, 2004 Author Posted September 2, 2004 Well initially before we got married. He went threw a depression. It last for a while. He left me and tried to go back home. Then he left home and came back to me. I was a wreck. Then he told me he does want to get married again. we went thru up and downs. The marriage was okay but he did not give enough into the marriage. We actually got married like about 10 years later. I have know him forever. But it is never good to mess around in a marriage. It is terrible actually. What exactly do you want to know? This time I got caught up and I regret it even today. I stop seeing him. I miss him like crazy too. It has only been 5 minutes or so. I just like him. But we are doing the right thing. So I just have to deal with the pain. It sucks. I feel like I get into these types of relationship and it is really not worth it. There is too much emotional feeling involved. You never get the satisfaction you want. It is just painful and stupid. I want to stop the madness in my life. I want relief. I am going to try to find 100 ways not to think about him. I feel awful right now. I just want to go into a shell and hide for a while. But life is forcing me to keep going. Keep moving forward. All I can say is that it is not worth it. It is not. I have done it and it is not worth it. I want you to really know that it is a waste of time.
snilljente Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 Hang in there..I know what you mean about wanting to go into a shell...for three weeks, I cried and slept and that was about it...now I am at least a little better....BELIEVE that you WILL feel better with time.....pamper yourself...ALLOW yourself to go into your shell when life permits...consider it healing/rejuvinating time....call friends/family, write on here for support, but allow yourself to grieve and you will be better equipped to move on....with time of course....hang in there, I know it hurts.
Author 9Lives Posted September 2, 2004 Author Posted September 2, 2004 Thank God for you guys. You learn sooooo much from being here. Same old mess, hurt, pain, disappointment, emotional pain. It is crazy. I got to come up. I need you all sooooo much.
heartsick Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 I so understand how you all feel. I am sorry about your pain and I totally understand. I started dating my MM when I was 21 and single. I fell in love b4 I found out he was married. I got married 11 years ago and continued to talk with him. Dont think I could have lived without him in my life as a friend. Absolutely no sex - at all. About 1 year ago, I decided to meet him again and after some convincing, I did have sex with him. I was hooked again. We began seeing each other and taking huge risks. Swapping I love you's and meeting during the middle of the day in public, hotel rooms less than a mile from his home, etc. I went to see him for his birthday and things were wonderful. When I got home, he quit answering my calls and emails. I finally sent him one that said, "you like what I provide, but you also like the comforts of home and well take the path of least resistance." That brought out a response! "I think we need to say goodbye. I wish things could have been different. If you need to talk call me. Love Always" 15 YEARS of being there for each other and not just sex! If they quit contacting you or taking your calls, it is over, they may not have told you yet, but it is over.
Author 9Lives Posted September 2, 2004 Author Posted September 2, 2004 that was amazing. Let it go basicly huh? I have learned a man will give you time, his body, and his mind. But only one his heart.
smile95 Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 I liked your post, however, one size dos not always fit all. My guy is sep and divorcing VERY soon and is not calling for legal reasons and has done this in the past and called later. If I were dating a married man who still lived at home and took part in the family, i would assume him not calling meant we were done. I know him well enough to know I have not heard the last of him. But it is interesting to heat everyone's story.
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