separated, happy, lonely, unhappy, seeing someone, not sure

[velvetunderground]

That title probably tells a lot about what I'm going through right now. I separated from my husband last year -- a very long time coming. He was unfaithful many times and had alcohol and gambling troubles, and I should have done it long ago.

 

I started seeing someone else while I was in the process of ending my marriage. Please don't be judgmental. I didn't end my marriage because of him, but that relationship helped me do what needed to be done. He was married too, and I guess I helped him end his miserable marriage the same way he helped me.

 

So now we're both single. We're still seeing each other. It's been about a year. I think in a way we are exactly what each other need right now – we like each other, enjoy each others' company, have mind-blowing sex and we both accept that this will be while it is. So what's the problem, right?

 

The problem for me is we just don't get to see each other enough. We're both very very busy, but my time is more flexible than his. We only see each other once every couple of weeks, and usually not for very long. We don't live in the same city BTW. It's not an insurmountable drive, but it is definitely a drive.

 

In a way I'm fine with this except I get lonely. My kids are grown up. I live in a new city where I don't have any friends. I have to live here right now (I won't go into that, just trust me). I do have a few friends in the city that I can see on occasion, but they're all in their own relationships.

 

Maybe I should mention that although I'm well into my 40s most of my friends and my lover are quite a bit younger than me. I don't know if that's relevant. I am not immature by any stretch, but I do find myself drawn more to the vibrancy and passion of people younger than me, so most of my friends range from about 26 to 36 years old. And I don't know if this is relevant either but I look much younger than I am.

 

Bottom line –*I guess I crave a little more male attention. It's easy for me to get dates but I don't want to lead anyone on, either sexually or otherwise. I did actually go on a dating site briefly but realized pretty quickly that I was not being honest by doing so.

 

I am definitely not anywhere near ready to be looking for a real relationship again, and I don't want to just start hopping in the sack. Besides, I don't really want to end this relationship with him and I don't want to sleep with more than one person. Despite carrying on with someone else before my marriage had quite ended, I really am a monogamous person.

 

So I guess after all this my question is, how do I stop feeling lonely the rest of the time?

Edited February 8, 2013 by velvetunderground

[2sure]

If you were able to see each other more...are you sure you would?

It doesn't sound like either of you anticipate this relationship to develop further.

 

You are a monogamous person...you are not going to even be able to beginn dating until you put this relationship solidly behind you.

 

Or...wait of course, for it to dwindle slowly.

[velvetunderground]

Hi 2sure. No I'm not at all sure he would want to see me more. He's very happy with things the way they are. For me to give up this relationship, however (at least the way I'm seeing things now) means I have no one and would be even lonelier, because I'm definitely not ready to give anything substantial to anyone.

 

Maybe I do just have to wait for it to dwindle. At which point maybe I would be ready for something more. But in the meantime, how to deal with feeling so lonely?

 

This has been made much worse lately by losing my job. When I was at work I had my work social life and that seemed to be enough. But now it's just me myself and I, almost 24 hours a day. Sigh.

[2sure]

Oh geez, I understand . Lonely counts. And socializing, even at work , can keep it at bay. But lonely happens and it's fine to recognize it...but then you have two directions. Less lonely or depressed. And you have to be quick about too because lonely left alone to long will lead to depressed...and then you don't have the will to be less lonely. Hope you aren't here yet.

 

Maybe, for the moment, keep as is the relationship you have. Keeping it does mean that you are closing yourself off to whatever potential someone else might have. But, you want baby steps right now. A dating site is not baby steps.

 

Why not try meeting other people you might enjoy...not dates, just people. You probably should be doing some professional networking anyway.

Volunteer, political stuff, a class.

[velvetunderground]

I would really like to meet some more people. I'm not really sure how to do it.

 

Networking sounds like a great idea except that I got a job that keeps me extremely busy, but I work totally from home. It sounded really good when I accepted it because now I don't have to commute. But I wasn't prepared for having no one to talk to. I sometimes feel like I've taken a vow of silence.

 

You're right though. If I keep this up I will definitely slip from lonely to depressed and I sure as hell don't want that. Thank you so much for your kind ear. You helped me feel a little less lonely :/