Gibson_Girl Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I said I wouldn't leave in the midst of crisis and yet, here I am. You know what the clincher of it is??? I did it FOR HIM! He didn't ask me or tell me, I backed off and said goodbye because I thought it would be one less thing for him to think about. He asked me to have patience and I'm still patient, but was it fair to him for me to say goodbye, call me when you figure out what you want? (Not in those exact words. Is it fair to me to sit and see if I'm going to be destroyed? To be the cause of the wife's devastation? Our children (his children and my own children) to look upon us with disgust? Is it too little too late? I swear to God it hurt like hell to do it! I'm bawling like a baby and would drink myself into a coma right now if I could drink that much. Please, pray for his safety and for him to be okay. I do love him with all of my heart and saying that was the hardest thing I've had to do. I could use whatever anyone has to say...
ComingInHot Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 GG; I don't think anything I could say would make a difference in how hurt you are. But know that you are not alone.* 1
Sarabi Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Please, pray for his safety and for him to be okay. I do love him with all of my heart and saying that was the hardest thing I've had to do. I could use whatever anyone has to say... ...but I will pray for you too girly...because even though you're hurting and crying right now, I also pray that YOU too will be safe and that YOU will be ok and that you don't ever have thoughts of drinking yourself into a coma over a man again ...you're a mummy. Surely that makes getting out of bed in the morning (without a hangover) worth it I will pray for you ((((HUGS))))) x 1
OpenBook Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Big hugs to you GG. Something inside you pushed you to make that move, in spite of the rest of you screaming and fighting against it. I think that "something" is well worth pulling out, closely examining, twirling it around your fingers, and taking it out for a spin. It takes a TREMENDOUS amount of intestinal fortitude to break off a love affair. It feels like you're cutting off your nose (and many other appendages) to spite your face. But it's not that. Not at all. Could it be that you're finally finally FINALLY being true and good to yourself? Meh, screw it. You don't have to figure it all out right this minute. Time to break out the Haagen-Daas. Call a girlfriend. Play your favorite song LOUD and dance like there's no tomorrow. Book an appt for a fabulous new 'do. Go online & buy that fabulous pair of F*ck-Me pumps you've been drooling over for months. Just keep doing YOU. The rest of those schlepps out there are JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. You're metamorphing, in the midst of a powerful transition process. Let it flow. Hugs again. 5
Author Gibson_Girl Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Thank you... I don't drink heavily, just a glass or two of wine. I should've used other words to accurately convey how I'm coping. I'm not. I'm in the bathroom, shower on and crying my eyes out. And he didn't even want to say goodbye! I did it to help him and by that "virtue" thought it would help us in the long run. I hurt so very much and I know I don't deserve sympathy because I chose this route.
Lillyfree Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 there were times when i questioned whether i did the right thing by saying goodbye. i found that more i heal, easier it gets to have moments when you remember the good times... and of course, then you miss them. you miss him. then i need to give myself a slap over the head and remind myself that there were very good reasons for my actions. *hugs* 2
Acheron Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 It is completely fair for you to say for him to not contact you until he decides what he wants. Since there are kids on both sides, that is even more important. let him decide or better yet - you decide and act accordingly 1
spice4life Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Gibson_girl, me thinks you need to re-read OpenBook's post and quit saying you don't deserve sympathy! You took a stand and that's awesome. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and making a choice that feels right to you. Cry if you have to because of course it hurts! But DON'T beat yourself up. It's what had to be done in light of the circumstances. Big hugs to you GG. Something inside you pushed you to make that move, in spite of the rest of you screaming and fighting against it. I think that "something" is well worth pulling out, closely examining, twirling it around your fingers, and taking it out for a spin. It takes a TREMENDOUS amount of intestinal fortitude to break off a love affair. It feels like you're cutting off your nose (and many other appendages) to spite your face. But it's not that. Not at all. Could it be that you're finally finally FINALLY being true and good to yourself? Meh, screw it. You don't have to figure it all out right this minute. Time to break out the Haagen-Daas. Call a girlfriend. Play your favorite song LOUD and dance like there's no tomorrow. Book an appt for a fabulous new 'do. Go online & buy that fabulous pair of F*ck-Me pumps you've been drooling over for months. Just keep doing YOU. The rest of those schlepps out there are JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. You're metamorphing, in the midst of a powerful transition process. Let it flow. Hugs again. 1
Author Gibson_Girl Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Thank you all so much for your support. I did NOT want to do it, ever. I said at one point that I would stay no matter how long it took because I KNOW there are genuine reasons he hasn't divorced yet. But I also know that if something isn't sustainable long-term (for them), why muddle your way through after 15 or so years (thanks LFH for your bit of mathematical advice) of unfulfilled life together? And that's what is happening. I knew that the longer he stayed the chances increased that something would happen to change his mind. And no matter what the reason is, I just couldn't wait my life away even though I love this man. Our A hit him very hard when it was brought to light to his peers. He said it would take him a long time to get over his actions and how it affected "his family". I've been told that I'm his family and his daughter but on paper, my name isn't on a marriage license. I did what I had to do to maintain my own peace of mind and for his sake too. I don't think he ever lied to me, tried to trick me; I believe we had something very real. BUT... Well, the "but's" don't matter anymore. I had to take an anxiety med last night to calm down. I don't want to have to medicate to make it... Medication masks the symptoms but the problem is still there. So, from today on, I focus on my kids and how to get myself out of my marriage and try and move on with my life. Yes, I hope he comes back to me but I'm going to daily try my best to not hope. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." I want to be well for me. At the end of the day, when I lay down to sleep, I don't want to worry whether he's having crisis sex with his wife, whether he's coming back to me or live with on-going shame that lives have been utterly changed because of this. I loved him and didn't want him, or myself for that matter, to have to walk under that cloud of uncertainty, secrecy and shame. I wish I'd loved us more a long time ago. We both could've been saved. Now, this moment, I am going to live this minute and feel what I have to feel and not mask it or try and reason it away. I've got to face it head-on or let it destroy me. I really, really want true love so I need to fix me so I can love my kids the way they deserve to be loved so they don't make the same mistakes. I need to fix me so I don't make the same mistakes I made in my own marriage. No shopping sprees, no heels (LOL!!! Thanks!), no crying fits. Okay, maybe some crying fits. But I'm going to shoot for continuing my weightloss journey (I'm down 86 pounds!), get back to exercising and trying to continue my self-discovery. It's NOT going to be easy, but I'm worth it. I want to love that person for me with all of my heart, no reservations, no sharing. I want to be loved like I need to be loved. When I'm old and in my bed remembering my life, I really want to look back and be grateful for having loved and been loved in return... 1
Author Gibson_Girl Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Gibson_girl, me thinks you need to re-read OpenBook's post and quit saying you don't deserve sympathy! You took a stand and that's awesome. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and making a choice that feels right to you. Cry if you have to because of course it hurts! But DON'T beat yourself up. It's what had to be done in light of the circumstances. "Me thinks you..." this made me smile, thank you, Spice.
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