Am I going crazy?

[inagony]

Is anyone out there can tell me if I'm going crazy or not?

Is he cheating on me or not?

We have sex 6 times for the year starting Jan to June.

Now I've found stains in his boxers and he tells me that he J-off, when we had sex 2 weeks ago and I'm practically beging for it. What does that say to you?

He's saying that he's not having an affair, but his actions are saying something totally differnt, then the lying I don't know what to believe any more or who to believe.

Am I seeing things that are not there?

Now he's keeping a towel in his car, and also a fresh shirt what does that say?

He's ignoring his kids, what does that say?

The other night I put on a hot red sexy 2 piece set to bed, with slits all over, he didn't say or do anything, not even honey you look great, he just lay in bed looking at tv, so I just turn over and went to sleep what does that say?

my gut is telling me that there is something going on and there's someone else who is satisfing his needs, and it's shure as hell ain't me. I my gut feelings wrong? He's gone for 12 hours or more a day to work, he doesn't call me at all during that time, to me his family doesn't cross his mind at all in those 12 hours.

Am I going crazy like he says?

[TMCM]

No you are not crazy.

 

Sadly [more often than not] a betrayed spouses suspicions turn out to be true. But before you go off accussing him of cheating on you, I'd suggest that you do some investigation of your own to uncover the truth.

 

But whatever the truth turns out to be, the fact remains that you are not having your emotional needs met by your H and THAT is not a good thing. You must calmly, quietly and respectfully sit down with your H and let him know that this situation is not good for the marriage and that marriage counseling is in order.

 

I wish you the best.

[inagony]

Thanks TCM,

But I tried to talk to him numerous times, he claims that he loves me that he's not cheating on my, how every my gut tells me differntly, plus his behavior & his actions are telling me a differnt story.

 

for example yesterday I spoke to a female bartender where he works and she claims that the girl in question is just a good friend of my H and when they all go out together, he never show anything out of the ordinary.

 

Now this morning I causaly said to him how could he go out knowing that I'm waiting for him to come home to me when he's out there having fun with these girls? He claims that he the bartender was never with them when they went our

 

So right there I see that some one is lying.

when I went on to question my H he got pissed off and when to work.

[Sheba]

I am sorry, but I would worry about the towel and the fresh shirt, as well as the change in his interest. I would ask him in as non-confrontational a manner as possible why he has started carrying these items in his car. See if he has an explanation that makes sense.

 

I wonder if the bartender is lying to assist your husband in his deception, or to make you feel better? Is there anyone he works with who likes you and would likely be honest if you enquired?

 

It is very hard to be the parent who stays home while he goes out and parties. Insist on trading places now and again - get him to stay home with the kids while YOU go out with your friends.

[inagony]

Let me start from the begining.

About 1 year 1/2 ago, my H & I went away for a romanitic weekend which was going great untill he made a big stink of having to cut our trip short to pick up some one from the airport. Now I'm in the travel business and knows the schedules like the back of my hand and told him that the flight wasn't getting in untill later that evening, he ignored me and still cut our trip short. On the way home he informed me that it's a new employee for his restaurant, so I thought that she's never been here before and don't know her way around, so I didn't think much of it, however that night there was also a party being held at the restaurant, so when he finally showed up with her I was already there waiting for him, it took him quite awhile for him to notice that I was there, he came over kissed me and went back to this girl's side for the rest of the night, which made me upset, cause he should be by his wife's side, anyway I left the party cause I felt left out and went home.

 

Every time I would go to the restaurant and this girl was there I would get this strange feeling like I'm intruding, and when my H would come out of the kitchen he would stand next to this girl like she's the wife or something, (I would feel terible, but I didn't say anything, about it) Now this last New Years Eve we got all dressed up to party after the restaurant closed, and she was also at the club my H got me a glass of wine and went off to the other side of the club where he spend most of his time talking with this girl and his friends, (man I was so pissed off cause it's not often we get to go out and he's totaly ignored me the whole night) (So now I'm thinking that there's something going on with the 2 of them) when we got home I was so upset that I accused him of having an affair, which he denied and the agrument ended there.

Now she quite her job by him to work in the same area, and we never spoken about her again untill June, we were home together when his cell phone rang and he went outside to talk on the phone, I didn't think much about it, so later I went to use his phone and saw that it was she who called him, I asked him inconversation when was the last time he's seen or spoken to this girl he told me it's been awhile, not knowing that I saw his phone log I told him that he's lying which he then admitted to me that he was, cause she was a sore subject with me, so I said why would she be if you don't have anything to hide. he claims that they somethimes meet for drinks after work.

I was hurt to the fact that he could call up another woman at 10:30pm to invite her out for a drink and he can't invite me. (hence the last time we went out was New Years Eve and now it's June) (By now our sex life was almost at a nill, cause from New Year Eve to June we've only did it 6 times)

 

I started to check his cell phone and notice that they talked 3-4 times per day, I didn't say anything, but I didn't say anything, the end of June we went on vacation for a month and the first thing that my H did when he got off the plane was call her, before he called his partners at the restaurant, so this action makes me wonder how important is this girl to him. During our vacation we've had more sex than we did during the year, so I'm thinking that all is well with us, when we got home we did it 4 times (so I'm on a high tinking that all is back on track with us) now I was doing the wash 2 weeks ago and found 2 boxers with stains in them, I do the wash 2-3 times per week, so I know for a fact that I didn't do anything with him to cause the stains in his boxers, so when I asked him about it he said that he jerked off, now the last time we did anything was 2 weeks before and almost everynight since then I've been going to be naked, but he has shown no interest. (this made me start to wonder what the hell did I do wrong),

The next day i called the girl up and ask her out for a drink which she'd agreed to, but right after I've spoken to her she went to my H and asked him why I would want to meet with her (now I didn't know about this untill he got home that night very upset with me) I went to the meeting place and waited for the girl to show up which she never did. (Now if you're only friends and have nothing to hide why go to my H and why nor meet with me?)

His reaction to this also had me wondering that there's more that meets the eye.

 

Last night I called the restaurant and spoke to the bartender and she stress to me that there's nothing going on between my H and this girl that they're just good friends and who when they all go out together she doesn't see anything out of the ordinary.

This morning over coffee I asked my H, how does he think I feel when he goes out with these people and not with me, he said to me that he's never been out with the bartender.

Here's another lie!

What the hell is going on?

[TMCM]

You are right that someone IS indeed lying and your H's angry reaction is very similar to that of many a unfaithful spouse's when his/her betrayed spouse has revealed that he/she knows the truth.

 

While you decide what you are going to do, here's something that may of interest to you. It is from marriage therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis. It's called the 180 degree list:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

I hope it helps.

[inagony]

Thank you Sheba & TMCM

 

Thank you both for your replies, I have also posted the story from the begining I hope you both take a look at it and share your toughts.

My problem is I don't keep friends, I consider my husband and my 2 sons the only friends, that we need, so having some one to confide in or even a sholder to cry on is in this forum, I can't go to my kids with this, even though they know that there's something terribly wrong. He's even ignoring the kids now, so they feel like they have done something to upset him they are both boys ages 11 & 12,

 

TMCM, I'll take that 180 listing and try to do it, right now I don't have the feeling to do anything, cook, clean, wash, eat or even sleep, I've been having headaches that I can't seem to get rid of. And when I try to sleep I keep seeing my H and this other girl, so I'm even afraid to close my eyes anymore.

 

I'm so tied up in knots, there's this Check-Mate stuff that I could by on the net to check for stains, does any one of you used this before? If so can you tell me if when I check his stain will it also show female semen between his?

 

I'm thinking to order it and when he finaly brings the towel out of the car, to have it checked for stains, since I've confronted him on his boxers, might try to be more careful. I've also noticed latley that when he goes to work he would use more colone than before (almost like he's bathing in it) maybe by doing this it helps keep her perfume off his cloths? (All this has my mind going in circles)

 

Thanks again guys.

[Sheba]

I am a suspicious type myself, and I am very suspicious of a friendship that requires 3 to 4 calls a day. I think that you need to get this issue out in the open, rather than remain in agony.

 

Can you meet with him and her together - with or without their cooperation - and tell them, as calmly as possible, that you feel that they have a relationship which threatens your marriage and that you are hurt and confused? Tell them you are appealing to the best part of their characters, and asking them to include you in the relationship, if it is innocent, or, if it is more than a friendship to be upfront about it. Bear in mind, of course, that the woman does not owe you a duty to be fair, your husband, however, does. Your husband may be trying to "have his cake and eat it too", which is completely unfair to you. He has to make a choice.

 

By the way, the bartender is in an impossible position - isn't your husband her boss? She might risk her job if she says the wrong thing. Don't ask his employees questions.

[unreasonable gf]

All the guys I've dated have said when they j- off by themselves, they never come all over themselves or their clothing -- they usually do into a tissue because why would they make a mess. A weird thing for me to focus on, I know, and maybe some guys can weigh in on this, but from what my bfs say, it seems unreasonable that he'd just come all over himself jerking off alone.

 

What he's doing is unbelievably cruel! About the check-mate stuff -- that sounds kinda difficult and it might be easier and more comprehensive to hire a PI. And about your headaches, since they seem understandably stress related -- can you start seeing a therapist to help you deal with this?

[inagony]

Sheba

 

I've already asked him to set up a meeting between all 3 of us but I'm still waiting for this to happend it's been now 3 weeks since I've made that request.

Note I've even called the girl and set up a meeting which she never showed up for.

There's nothing more I can do on that score, but it's clear to me that he doesn't want me to talk to this girl whether it's infront of him or alone with her.

 

I'm not going to ask the bartender anthing again nor no one else, plus I don't even want to go down there, I feel like the staff all knows what's going on and they feel sorry for me (you know that feeling "oh look at the poor little wife")

 

Sheba I've tried talking to my husband who every time shuts down on me and refuse to talk "oh he says that we'r e going over the same issues over and over again) but he doesn't or refuse to understand how things may look to me or how I'm feeling in all of this, & what's it doing to me, he says that I'm going crazy and it's all assuptions on my part and non of it is true, but he's still doing things to fuel my distrust in him.

 

I keep telling him for every action there's a reaction and his reactions and actions doesn't make any sence.

[Mr Spock]

The simplest explanation is usually the truth. Your husband is f*cking (or at least really, really wants to) this woman. And now they're on to you, and going to be extra careful.

 

What can you do? You're looking for concrete evidence, but in your heart you already know.

 

I think backing off would be a bad idea. I would start to spend MORE time at the restaraunt, more time with your husband. You're the wife, after all, you come first.

[Sheba]

I feel your pain. It is very difficult to be in your position when there are children involved.

 

I think you have exhausted all resources as far as "finding out for sure" and you might need to just rely on your instinct and act accordingly. Stop doubting yourself. If he is being unfaithful, then what? Would you ask him to move out? Perhaps you should do so. If he is wandering, but not seriously (just flirting, for example) maybe he will finally see the serious effect of his behaviour and make a sincere change. It seems as if it has been very easy for him to do as he pleases while you are the one who is tortured! He needs some motivation to behave differently.

 

Ask yourself, what is best for the children? Do what you can to minimize the impact of your choices on them. Make sure that they will still have a good relationship with their dad if you ask him to move out. Talk to a family law lawyer, so you know what you are entitled to receive. Look at your emotional and financial resources and see what you need and how you can get it. Can your parents help with child care? Do you have friends or siblings to be with you and support you?

 

Take charge of your life and that of your children. You don't deserve to be left at home, wringing your hands in agony, while he socializes, rejects all your concerns and carries on as he pleases.

[Sheba]

In agony, I just read how old your children are. I caution you, this is a VERY difficult age for children dealing with divorce, separation or a bad marriage between their parents. Younger and older children deal better with divorce than children who are pre-teen or young teens. Please shield them as much as you can - don't argue in front of them, or let them see your pain.

 

If you ask your husband to move out, please make a commitment with him to tell the children it is a mutual choice (do NOT tell them he is the bad one for "fooling around" and do NOT let him tell them YOU are the bad one for "kicking him out"). The children should be reminded that BOTH of you love them, that you are BOTH sorry this is happening in their lives, and that BOTH of you expect them to continue to love the other parent and THEY DO NOT HAVE TO PICK SIDES.

 

At this point, the children are the most important people involved. Don't expose them to months or years of witnessing your marriage fall apart. Don't make them pawns in the relationship. You and your husband do not "need" each other, but the children NEED BOTH OF YOU.

 

Good luck. Hug your sons.

[inagony]

Thanks Sheba,

 

No I have no other support system, I'm stuck down here in the Caribbean which he knows that I hate this island and want to move back to the States. It's been 7 years that I'm stuck down here for him, and he refuses to move, this island promotes adultery left & right it's not a good environment to raise a family, it's only great for a vacation where you don't know the people and you don't know what's really going on.

 

When we go out for dinner (to other restaurants) we would see people that we know having cozy dinners but not with their spouse or significant other (which confuses my kids, cause some of these people they know and they are asking me why isn't he or she dining with their family?)

 

I have no relatives to turn to I'm totally alone, if I could get on a plane now to the states with my boys I'll be happy even if I have to stay in a shelter until I could get back on my feet I'll gladly do so in a heart beat that's how I'm feeling right now.

 

Last night I was in my car ready to drive off a cliff or wrap it around a tree when I thought about my boys. (that's how close on the brink of desperation I am)

[inagony]

Sheba it's to late for my boys they already know and are asking questions.

 

Since my husband has pulled away from them, they don't pay him much attention, but they are definitely acting out and making it more and more difficult to discipline them for their behavior.

 

Last night I went to pick up some Chinese food and when we got in the car my 12 year old ask me if we're not going to drive by the restaurant to see if his papa is there.

 

My 11 year old ask me if papa is cheating on me with this girl whom he mentioned my name.

 

when ever I talk to my husband it's in the privacy of our bedroom.

 

But kids today are much smarter than we think.

 

Earlier this month when we were arguing he took off his wedding band & said that he's going to look for a place to stay, but he's since them put back on his wedding band and he still haven't moved out nor spoken about leaving, I don't now what made him change his mind, but he's still here.

 

He called me at 1:50pm to tell me that he'll be home to take me shopping in an hour, it's almost 4pm and we're still waiting on him to get here when it only takes him about 15min to get from the restaurant to the house. That's how it's been as of late, calling to say he's on his way, but it takes him hours to show up

[Mr Spock]

Careful. Talk of suicide could be turned against you.

 

Hon, get yourself a good lawyer. Hire a PI. Get the evidence you need. Your husband is having an affair, I'd put money on it. And doesn't seem to be entirely repentant about it.

[TMCM]

inagony,

 

If there is a Check-Mate version that discovers traces of vaginal fluids on your H boxers and you know that they are not yours, then you would have the incontribertible proof that he IS having sex with another woman. But if Check-Mate only discovers traces of semen on his boxers then it makes as much sense as finding vaginal residues on your panties and saying that it proves that you are having sex with another man. As a man I must tell you that even if a man is happily married and sexually satisfied, he MAY masturbate if he finds himself with an overwhelming sexual urge and his W is not there to have sex with. And even if he doesn't masturbate, the seminal fluid buildup in his reproductive organs will reach a point where he may experience nightly emissions. In summary, buy Check-Mate ONLY if it has a version for discovering vaginal fluids on a man's underwear otherwise save your money.

 

There is something else that you need to be concerned about and that, even if your H isn't having an affair, he is emotionally starving you and setting up the environment that makes an affair of your own by you a distinct possibility. Before you scoff at this, please read the stories of many of the women on this board and you'll see that many of them never thought that they would ever have an affair. So please, don't start confiding your marital problems with ANY man you may meet at work or any other place. It is bad enough that your H is neglecting you and possibly having an affair, but if you had an affair of your own, the chances of your marriage surviving will drop dramatically. I advice you to contact a marriage counselor who can put you in contact with other women whose H's are doing the same as yours. Please give some serious thought to this.

 

I wish you the best.

[inagony]

Thank you Mr. Spock,

 

By reading my story you too came to the same conclusions as I did, but you didn't mix words and just told me what you think.

Unlike my husband who is telling me that he's not doing anything wrong, and is hiding things from me.

 

I'm an open and honest person I tell my husband everything I don't like secrets, they always have a way of coming out.

 

I'm trying to set an example to my kids that no matter what it is always best to tell the truth, even if may hurt the other person, but it's best to get it out then you can deal with it and move on.

 

What is getting to me is the run around that my husband is giving me, and not being honest.

[The_Analyzer]

"What is getting to me is the run around that my husband is giving me, and not being honest." Hes not going to be, hes doing something he shouldn't. The only way he will be honest is when you have proof or eveidence of whats going on. I think in the back of your mind you know too. Do as Spock suggested, hire a PI, get to the bottom of it.

 

Good luck.

[Sheba]

Don't waste your resources on a P.I.. What good will that do you? Just to be able to confront him with proof? I think it is a waste of money. I think you should spend your money returning to your family, hiring a lawyer. Tell your husband you need to go home to the states with the kids while your marriage is "sorted out". Get on a plane. Go to your family. You can always go back to the island if you find that your marriage is worth saving, once you have an ocean between the two of you, and time to think in peace.

 

Your sons need you. Rid all thoughts of suicide from your mind NOW

[inagony]

Thanks Sheba,

That's the plan as soon as I get enough cash the boys and I are out of here.

 

Last night he still claims that he didn'r do anything wrong and it's all in my head.

I asked him how many times he went our with this girl for drinks this year so far? He said that they were never alone, and other of his male buddies were always there, So I repeated how many times was she present he said quite a few times, so I asked him well where was your wife? he said at home, so I asked how many times did you and your wife went out for a drink? He said none, so I told him how would you feel that I turn the tables on you and I'm the one who's out there with a male friend and not my husband, he said he would feel angry & hurt (I said bingo! & give the man a million)

 

when he finally got home yesterday he took us all out to get groceries, then came back home and clean out the fridge (like it really needed cleaning) played pillow fight with the boys and cook dinner.

 

He behaved liked the model husband & father last night (no sex), but my guard is still very much up where he's concern.

 

When one looses their trust in a person it will take me a very long time to rebuild that trust in them again.

[inagony]

Thanks TMCM

 

I'm one of these loyal dogs to the bitter end, like I said I don't keep friends, my only friends are my kids and should be my H.

Therefore you have no worries in my finding some other male to turn to (which I don't have) all the other males that I know are is friends (whom I'll never trust)

 

As for check mate I was just trying to find out more info on it before I go out there and buy it.

 

Read the other section of my story you'll see what my plans are.

 

Thanks again for a shoulder for me to cry on, thanks for your advises.

[inagony]

yesterday I tried to talk to him in a more relax setting, he once again swears that he's not doing anything and he refuse to admit that his actions looked suspicious, he claims that I'm the one who is jumping to conclusions and if I continue on this path it might be to late one of these days, so he's hinting that one day when I get home he'll be gone. (to me this is a treat)

 

What do you think?

[jmargel]

No matter what is going on, you two need marriage couseling. You two are not communicating the right way. You are dealing with the topics (ie. the woman he goes drinking with) rather than the issues (ie. the way he is emotionally starving you and neglecting you). Dealing with the topics is like pulling weeds by the leaves. It'll just grow back, in other words he'll continue to neglect you. Pulling the weeds out by the roots will solve this problem entirely.

 

The only way to do that however, is to find a good licensed marriage counselor. Give him this ultimatium. That you are depressed over this and you 'can't just get over it'. If he loves you & respects you enough he will do this. There could be issues on his side about you as well that would come out. Don't put this off!

[inagony]

Thanks Jmargel,

 

He doesn't want to go a counselor, he says there's nothing wrong (on his part) and it's nobody's business, and how I don't trust him, and it's all my doing, if our marriage falls apart.

 

He knows that I'm checking his cell phone every night, but he doesn't know that I have the bill send to me instead of him (a different address), so if he's deleting his calls before he gets home I'll see it on the bill, or maybe now that he knows that I'm on to him, she's doing all the calling with that it would not be on the bill.

 

I ask him if he would consider stop being friends with her for the sake of our marriage, he told me that I can't pick his friends.