ConfusedHumanBeing Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Hey guys/locals/the only people left in this world that will listen to my dumba** issues anymore hahaha. So I've been recently been giving more advice on here than taking it because the past couple of weeks/almost a month, I've been doing a little better and understanding a BU and how it is to be dealt with. It's tech. been four months BU but three months where she finally cut the cord and did it (22, I'm 27) Since those three months (if you've read some of my other stuff), I've continued to mess it up with some stupid gestures that in my head and on the movies work, but obviously do nothing in real life. Went one month NC, she threw breadcrumbs and I bit hard. Started talking as sorta "friends" then she said she was dealing with an issue with some guy she liked so I panicked and said I had a GF to try and make her jealous and she didn't like that I 'moved on' quickly. Well, on Christmas, I tried to get her back and she shot it down and said no she doesn't want that anymore there is still this new guy yada yada whatever. They arent dating, but she wants to be (Has a GF already). I slowly started to keep hounding her and kept asking questions about our past relationship...just getting questions answered...which made me look needy and desperate (my other ex did this to ME so I know how it is) so I went two weeks NC and tried to text my friend one night and ended up texting her about some plans I had. I said sorry and she said "delete my number. I dont ever want to talk to you. I dont want anything to do with you." Blown away by her anger and such dramatic words, but I apologized for my role in bothering her with stuff and how awful I have probably looked and let her do her thing. I'm 1000% aware what I've done is borderline depressing and makes more crap piled on to more crap and realistically, I was already sure reconciliation was never going to happen down the line anyways. Which brings me to yesterday/last night. I found out yesterday that one of my best friends from high school has cancer. He called me up and told me and things just turned real. I don't know how to explain it. My life just became clear. If you've ever had news like that brought to you like that, you probably know the feeling. It just makes you feel like more that ANYTIME, life can be gone. All of our problems on these boards just wouldn't matter at ALL. Poof.....done. Of course, I told him I would be there for him with anything and what not. VERY sad indeed. So, because of this, my ex came into my head. I still obviously care about her a great deal as some of us on here probably do as well hence why were here to learn to move on. I guess I panicked from the days news and I wrote an e-mail to her. So again, goodbye NC...dumba**. The e-mail wasnt "closure", "trying to win her back" "saying sorry" type e-mail...to be honest, I don't know what I wanted out of it....I just felt like I needed to write it. Like most of us who break NC and do something like this, deep down, we want the reaction of the person to go "what was I thinking? I want this person back!! Oh no!!" No matter what we try to tell ourselves, thats what we want out of it, but it obviously never happens and just makes the person look weak.... I told her about the day I had and what not and mentioned it was a terrible idea to write an e-mail to her, but I was doing it anyways. Told her I understood how she felt with my pestering her all the time and how I pushed everything too far and agreed with the BU. Told her I wasnt writing this to do anything that I mentioned above, but just wanted to be completely honest with her. Told her how different my life is in the four months and how much of an experience this was. Told her I was very lucky to have her as a GF and will always remember the good times and hoped she has been hanging out and enjoying her last semester before she graduates college. Told her that tomorrow is never promised and how I wanted to just be fully honest with her because tomorrow I might not be around. Got pretty personal with things Id rather not get into, but honesty of everything. No games BS, just being an adult and saying whatever. Worst part, I contemplated just writing it then never sending it because I knew what it would do to me today.... This is why I'm writing this on here....I KNEW it wasn't going to get responded to or even acknowledged and yet I'm still having mini panic attacks about it. I woke up this morning and smacked myself across the face for how DUMB of an idea that was. GOD it was so stupid and I guess my friends dilemma made me think differently yesterday. What was I hoping for? Again, for her just to come back and realize she was dumb? For her to at least have something to think about and react to? Does this hurt chances later even MORE? I know she has read the damn thing, she checks her e-mail a bunch. I've not only hurt my healing process, but now actively made it worse. Why do some of us do this? I read these boards recently with people who were like me in the beginning and I go "JUST LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE! THEY ARE NOT WRONG!" I find it funny those who actively listen and say yeah your right, then do the EXACT opposite like I have in the past. I just laugh and go "You moron. Don't do this!" Then what happens? I don't listen to my own advice after a life-changing event and bam here we are. What do I do now?
cavalier99 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 What do I do now? Hey bud. Sorry to hear about the struggles and your friend. I guess you know the answer? Right? NC You just need to let it go man. If you stay pure NC, block her all the stuff, never respond to her..do everything you are supposed to do you, will most likely be recovered in 4-6 months. I know you want to get over this..right? Good luck man. Cav
na49 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I think I'm already getting a cold, but your post made me sick! :sick::sick::sick: The e-mail wasnt "closure", "trying to win her back" "saying sorry" type e-mail...to be honest, I don't know what I wanted out of it....I just felt like I needed to write it. Don't lie to yourself. You know exactly what you wanted out of it. You wanted her to respond and say something that would make you feel better. As for if you hurt chances for later? Umm... don't worry about later. Worry about now. You won't care about later because you'll be loving now. I know how it feels to not be able to follow your own advice. I give what I think is good advice but have bad nights and just want to pour my heart out to her. As for what you do now? You leave her alone. Do you know how desperate you look? I'm still sick from reading it. I'm honestly happy I never sent my ex something like that. She'd laugh about it with whoever she's f*cking nowadays. Although we like to think if we pour our heart to them, they'll understand They won't. Why? Because they aren't as emotional as we are? So to them, we just look needy and annoying even if we are really hurting. No sense crying over spilled milk though. Pour yourself a new glass and try to keep going. NC is obvious. Part of moving on is wanting to move on. You don't want to move on if you contact them and try to win them back. I know you want her back. I want my ex too. I want what was familiar to me. The old her. 4 months is a pretty long time. She's not the same person you fell in love with. They change, and now we have to change. Being miserable isn't attractive. You may not want to move on because when you move on, you realize they are gone forever and it sucks! but they've been gone. When we move on, we accept it. also you're not dumb. You're emotional. When we're emotional, we do stupid stuff.
destroyed4sho Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Sorry about your friend. Maybe, this was a FINAL closure letter for you. You seem to be well aware the consequences of breaking NC and why someone does it. Now that it is done, just take it as a THE FINAL goodbye letter and run with that.
Derpderpleton Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Sorry about your friend! I broke NC today..and I was only 3 days into it. I thought I was feeling bad before I did it, now I feel wayyy worse. She totally ignored me (for the first time ever). Pretty sure she was with another guy. I have to work with her too. So, yeah, I can relate. It really sucks..
cavalier99 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I like the saying "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different result". Have you had enough CONFUSED? Or are you still looking for the bottom? I think you have found it and now can start the climb out! 3
Simon Phoenix Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Sorry about your friend! I broke NC today..and I was only 3 days into it. I thought I was feeling bad before I did it, now I feel wayyy worse. She totally ignored me (for the first time ever). Pretty sure she was with another guy. I have to work with her too. So, yeah, I can relate. It really sucks.. Having read, and commented in, your thread about it, I'm hoping this will finally get you to step back and stay stepped back. 1
Derpderpleton Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Having read, and commented in, your thread about it, I'm hoping this will finally get you to step back and stay stepped back. Definitely. Feeling lower than sh*t right now. It wasn't worth it at all.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Definitely. Feeling lower than sh*t right now. It wasn't worth it at all. Yep. Sh--ty feeling.
Author ConfusedHumanBeing Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Wow 9 replies! That's the most I think I've had in such short time! YOU LOVE ME!!!!!! lol anyways yeah, I'm obviously incredibly ashamed for what I did. I guess my friend busting the news to me about his cancer put me in a very weird place emotionally. Not really an excuse but ya know. Of course I wanted her to acknowledge the letter and have a reaction that was favorable to me. I'm also not stupid and realized that it wasn't anywhere near close to happening. In my mind, I KNEW what would happen....I would send it, feel nervous on whether or not she would send anything back, look most of the day for something and realize there was nothing. That is how it has been for months now so no where near shocking, but yet I still did it. NC is what I've been doing and I keep taking steps forward, then getting into a car and drive miles in the opposite direction. I keep doing it and I hate it. I have no regrets in the fact that I have nothing left that I felt I needed to say. Its an incredibly small consolation prize/ You are right that she isnt the same person that I know. I guess our memories will only allow me to think of her as that person that I first met. The very shy girl who was pretty and wanted to hang out with me all the time. Every one of her facebook photos since we broke up, she looks....for a lack of a better word....slutty. WAY too much makeup and looking like she is trying too hard. Went from like one like on her pictures to like 18. She is probably loving all the attention from guys because she has NEVER had it. One of the reasons she loved me because I was the first guy to show her that much. I feel used in the aspect of once she got hot in everyone else's eyes, it was time to drop me. I don't know if thats the case, but it feels like it. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different result"-----ain't that the truth.
cavalier99 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You'll pull yourself out of this bro. Just no more communication. That's it. requires no effort...no typing, calling, ecetera. Its easy when u think about it. And your lucky because she never bothers you...so extra easy!! Lol cav
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