noobstar Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Hi all, First time poster here, need some advice. Long story here, but TLDR at the end. Ex and I broke up almost two months ago, when she moved away for a job and to be with her family (including her sick mother who has cancer). I actually told her that she should take the job and move back because I didn't want her to regret not being with her mom right now. Our relationship deteriorated the last month or so, once she knew she was moving - stopped saying ILY as often, things like that. I even offered to move down with her so she could be with her mom and we could stay together. She also refused to talk to me about what was happening to us before she left, saying she didn't have time to think about it. The morning that she left, she told me that she loved me and we would talk soon. We then went through a period of limited contact, which involved some *****ing on my part due to the fact that she never even told me we were ending or what was wrong. On new years day, she asked to talk, she told me that she was unhappy towards the end, and I told her that I was too, under the circumstances. She was working 20-30 hours a week with a full class load, has a daughter, and I was working 50-60 hours a week, helping her when I could. We didn't have a lot of time for us. She then told me that she wasn't sure she would have time for me in her life, with her new job and spending time with her family. She said that she needed some time to think. After this, we communicated a bit, but it was fairly hostile. I decided that the communication was not going in a direction I wanted and was not conducive to getting back together or even maintaining a friendship. I also met someone else in this period of time, who was very good to me. I told my ex that I had met someone (mistake, i know), that it seemed she wanted to maintain contact just to boost her self esteem, and wished her the best. I also mailed her some of her things that she had left at my place, along with a thumb drive of all the pictures I had taken of her daughter over the past two years (weird story, but I was there soon after she was born). I then told her I didn't want to speak to her anymore, as it was just making me unhappy, and I cut contact. She re-initiated contact approximately two weeks later, when she called and left a message. I waited a couple of days, then texted her and asked if she had needed something. She said that she just wanted to catch up. I told her that I wasn't interested, and that she had her chance. She texted me the next day, saying "I am so sorry I did this to us. But I know you will be happier this way." I asked her if she regretted ending it, and she didn't reply until the next day, when I specifically asked her for a response. She said no. We talked that night, because I wanted to know what she was thinking. I was pretty clear headed at this point and was ready to move on. When we spoke, her voice was shaking and she said things like "if only you had done [this], things may have worked out differently", "I want to come up and visit you", and when talking about what I had been up to (hittin the gym, other things), she said "oh so your next girlfriend will get that but I wont. At this point, I assumed it was over so I gave her nothing, just said goodbye and wished her the best of luck. Because of the way she was acting (I could sense she still had strong feelings for me and was jealous of this other girl), the conversation started to get to me. Three or four days later, I sent her an e-mail basically venting. I told her, "if you want to drop the bull****, then call me." If you don't love me, then just text me that and this can be over, because we will never be friends" She called me that night, we talked for a while about us, her, everything that was going on. She said that she really wanted me to wait for her, and I said I would give her some time to think and get her head straight. Over the past two weeks, we have talked every couple of days at night before she goes to bed. She seems super depressed, and keeps asking about the other girl, who I do like a lot but was giving time to my ex because of our history together. Once, I told her I didn't want to talk about her. The second time, I told her that I hadn't been hanging out with her, out of respect for my ex having some time to figure her **** out. On the one hand, I feel bad for her. On the other hand, she dumped me. I started to feel myself attached to an outcome again, and we texted yesterday. Because she keeps asking about the other girl, I told her we could agree to not see other people so she could have some time and maybe stress out a little less. She said "go ahead and see other people, my thoughts arent going to change for a while, i need to work through some things". I asked her if she was dating, to which she replied "No time for that. Just talking to old friends". I told her that I didn't know what that meant, (maybe an emotional reaction on my part), but that I had been honest with her and that I expected her to do the same. She said okay and that she would. I over-reacted to the whole thing, but primarily the "my thoughts arent changing anytime soon", and it ended on a bad note. I did decide though, that the drama was too much, and I told her that if she wanted me to wait for her, that I needed something to go on, i.e., a timetable, her telling me that she would think...and that if she was unable to give that, that we could part as friends. She hasn't responded, and I'm not sure if she will. I think it may be time to just let go. Every time I talk to her, she ends up sucking me back in. I show her that I care about her, and she ends up pulling away. Is she just using me for an ego boost? At this point, I kind of want to see where things go with this other girl, who has been super nice about me just getting out of a relationship and isn't pushing me in any way, just wants to spend time with me. Not because I don't love my ex, but because this is causing me angst, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's also possible that she's just trying to keep me around while she sees if something is going to work out with someone else, but is lying to me about it (her daughter's father lives there). TLR Girl moves away without breaking up, cuts contact, I was a douche, she was a *****, we sort of work it out, in limited contact, she's confused and insists she is not sure about us, but refuses to tell me if she still loves me or not, but why not say it if you dont? I think she may be banging another dude (her daughter's father lives there), but no proof. Wants me in her life. I won't be friends, told her several times. Told her I'd give her some time to think, she acts grateful. LC since that point. Starts pulling away again. She is super depressed, I feel bad for her. On calls, acts super caring and sad, on e-mails and texts acts super distant. I need to either move on or her to commit to consider us, she goes back and forth. So what do I do? I sent her the last text about what I needed. Do i just go NC from here? If she calls me (which I suspect she will sometime over the next week), do I answer to hear what she says? I am not the type to maintain contact with my ex while I pursue this other relationship, because there is no way I could commit fully to giving the new girl a shot if I do. At the same time, I really do care about my ex, feel bad for her, and want to give "us" a fair shot, if there is still one to be had. I thought about marrying this girl, before she left.
destroyed4sho Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I this you should NC her. She seems confused about you.and most likely does love you but iant going to say it bc she does not want to lead you on. She may he with someone else and keeping you in her back pocket just in case it doesnt work out. You should go NC and move on with the other girl that likes you.
will1988 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Hi all, First time poster here, need some advice. Long story here, but TLDR at the end. Ex and I broke up almost two months ago, when she moved away for a job and to be with her family (including her sick mother who has cancer). I actually told her that she should take the job and move back because I didn't want her to regret not being with her mom right now. Our relationship deteriorated the last month or so, once she knew she was moving - stopped saying ILY as often, things like that. I even offered to move down with her so she could be with her mom and we could stay together. She also refused to talk to me about what was happening to us before she left, saying she didn't have time to think about it. The morning that she left, she told me that she loved me and we would talk soon. We then went through a period of limited contact, which involved some *****ing on my part due to the fact that she never even told me we were ending or what was wrong. On new years day, she asked to talk, she told me that she was unhappy towards the end, and I told her that I was too, under the circumstances. She was working 20-30 hours a week with a full class load, has a daughter, and I was working 50-60 hours a week, helping her when I could. We didn't have a lot of time for us. She then told me that she wasn't sure she would have time for me in her life, with her new job and spending time with her family. She said that she needed some time to think. After this, we communicated a bit, but it was fairly hostile. I decided that the communication was not going in a direction I wanted and was not conducive to getting back together or even maintaining a friendship. I also met someone else in this period of time, who was very good to me. I told my ex that I had met someone (mistake, i know), that it seemed she wanted to maintain contact just to boost her self esteem, and wished her the best. I also mailed her some of her things that she had left at my place, along with a thumb drive of all the pictures I had taken of her daughter over the past two years (weird story, but I was there soon after she was born). I then told her I didn't want to speak to her anymore, as it was just making me unhappy, and I cut contact. She re-initiated contact approximately two weeks later, when she called and left a message. I waited a couple of days, then texted her and asked if she had needed something. She said that she just wanted to catch up. I told her that I wasn't interested, and that she had her chance. She texted me the next day, saying "I am so sorry I did this to us. But I know you will be happier this way." I asked her if she regretted ending it, and she didn't reply until the next day, when I specifically asked her for a response. She said no. We talked that night, because I wanted to know what she was thinking. I was pretty clear headed at this point and was ready to move on. When we spoke, her voice was shaking and she said things like "if only you had done [this], things may have worked out differently", "I want to come up and visit you", and when talking about what I had been up to (hittin the gym, other things), she said "oh so your next girlfriend will get that but I wont. At this point, I assumed it was over so I gave her nothing, just said goodbye and wished her the best of luck. Because of the way she was acting (I could sense she still had strong feelings for me and was jealous of this other girl), the conversation started to get to me. Three or four days later, I sent her an e-mail basically venting. I told her, "if you want to drop the bull****, then call me." If you don't love me, then just text me that and this can be over, because we will never be friends" She called me that night, we talked for a while about us, her, everything that was going on. She said that she really wanted me to wait for her, and I said I would give her some time to think and get her head straight. Over the past two weeks, we have talked every couple of days at night before she goes to bed. She seems super depressed, and keeps asking about the other girl, who I do like a lot but was giving time to my ex because of our history together. Once, I told her I didn't want to talk about her. The second time, I told her that I hadn't been hanging out with her, out of respect for my ex having some time to figure her **** out. On the one hand, I feel bad for her. On the other hand, she dumped me. I started to feel myself attached to an outcome again, and we texted yesterday. Because she keeps asking about the other girl, I told her we could agree to not see other people so she could have some time and maybe stress out a little less. She said "go ahead and see other people, my thoughts arent going to change for a while, i need to work through some things". I asked her if she was dating, to which she replied "No time for that. Just talking to old friends". I told her that I didn't know what that meant, (maybe an emotional reaction on my part), but that I had been honest with her and that I expected her to do the same. She said okay and that she would. I over-reacted to the whole thing, but primarily the "my thoughts arent changing anytime soon", and it ended on a bad note. I did decide though, that the drama was too much, and I told her that if she wanted me to wait for her, that I needed something to go on, i.e., a timetable, her telling me that she would think...and that if she was unable to give that, that we could part as friends. She hasn't responded, and I'm not sure if she will. I think it may be time to just let go. Every time I talk to her, she ends up sucking me back in. I show her that I care about her, and she ends up pulling away. Is she just using me for an ego boost? At this point, I kind of want to see where things go with this other girl, who has been super nice about me just getting out of a relationship and isn't pushing me in any way, just wants to spend time with me. Not because I don't love my ex, but because this is causing me angst, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. It's also possible that she's just trying to keep me around while she sees if something is going to work out with someone else, but is lying to me about it (her daughter's father lives there). TLR Girl moves away without breaking up, cuts contact, I was a douche, she was a *****, we sort of work it out, in limited contact, she's confused and insists she is not sure about us, but refuses to tell me if she still loves me or not, but why not say it if you dont? I think she may be banging another dude (her daughter's father lives there), but no proof. Wants me in her life. I won't be friends, told her several times. Told her I'd give her some time to think, she acts grateful. LC since that point. Starts pulling away again. She is super depressed, I feel bad for her. On calls, acts super caring and sad, on e-mails and texts acts super distant. I need to either move on or her to commit to consider us, she goes back and forth. So what do I do? I sent her the last text about what I needed. Do i just go NC from here? If she calls me (which I suspect she will sometime over the next week), do I answer to hear what she says? I am not the type to maintain contact with my ex while I pursue this other relationship, because there is no way I could commit fully to giving the new girl a shot if I do. At the same time, I really do care about my ex, feel bad for her, and want to give "us" a fair shot, if there is still one to be had. I thought about marrying this girl, before she left. I think you should continue to go no contact. You are not the daughter's father, and the mother is being wishy-washy. It is in your best interest to pull away from her. The reason that your Ex is getting attached to you again is because you were her comfort zone, her safety net... also, because you are dating a new girl. What is most desirable is what we can't have. Now that she knows you are kind of off the market and have moved on (to a certain degree) she is getting jelous. She'd be much more happy if you were moping over her and not getting her out of your head and remained single for a while. She may not knowingly want that, but subconsiously she wants to see you unhappy, because if she sees you happy, she sees what she is missing out on and what she can't have any more. Also, I put in bold a part of what you said. You said her babby daddy lives where she just moved to. I'm willing to bet she has reconected with him and not just emotionally. This may or not be a good thing, at least for the daughter. However, there are reasons babby daddy and your ex did not work out, and those reasons are probably coming to a head, and you are there to listen to her. You are being her door mat. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants your emotional comittment to her, and she wants you to be unhappy, but at the same time she wants to be "single" and possibly be with her prior ex. You should not have to put up with this. You're a man, and you have a new girl friend. It is time you just cut contact with your ex outright. If she truly loves you then she will eventually come crawling back. However, by that time maybe you will be in love with this new girl. Lastly, you monkey branched from one relationship to another. Are you sure this new girl is not a rebound? you may think she is not, but look deep down in your heart... you don't need to admit it to us here on LS but you should admit it to yourself whether or not this is a rebound fling. If you still love your ex, I would not drag this poor girl along. It will only hurt her in the long run. However, if you truly like this girl, then cut ties with the ex, there is nothing keeping you attached to her anymore, and focus solely on this new girl. Remember though, if this is a rebound, you will hurt her, so it is best thing for her if you leave her now before you end up hurting her down the line. But if it isn't a rebound, then I hope you two are happy and wish you luck. go no contact with the ex until you know you are fully over her and then just maybe try to be on friendly terms. Good luck!
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