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Boyfriend may not come to yet another important event with me - I'm really torn.


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Posted
Exactly. One example is that his friends invited him to a separate music festival abroad for a few days, but he said he couldn't even think about booking tickets because he's probably have to do stuff with the band around that time. Well, lo and behold, the next week his bandmate books up to go to this festival abroad with his girlfriend!

 

So, this is what I mean. Clearly his bandmate is able to juggle the band making commitments to his girlfriend. I think as it stands it won't take me a week to decide where I'm at - whether it will be the right decision in the long-term or not, I think my decision for now will be that I could accept his lifestyle as it is because I know how much he needs to live out his dreams, and the Summer is the festival season after all. But, this would only be if he would agree to spend some time together during the Summer, whether it's him inviting me to come with him, or a break away together. I think that way we'd be reaching more of a compromise, rather than me just accepting scraps.

 

It's been a long four years (I also had a couple of bereavements to cope with while completing my education), and this Summer is the first time I'll be able to just breathe, and relax. I'd like some of those Summer months to include downtime with him, and if he denies me that then I'll truly know what I can and can't accept, and that I'd done all I can.

 

Now I'm going to meet him in a few days, rather than waiting a week. I've got a feeling it won't take that long to know where we're both at - so why drag it out?

 

Do you think my ^above proposal is fair? I like to think I'm making the right decision; as in that I'm taking into account his needs as a musician and my needs as a girlfriend. I also wanted to say thanks to everyone for their perspectives/helping out - never ceases to amaze me how thoughtful strangers can be in helping one another out!

Posted

Make the conversation about you and what you need in a relationship, not about others.

 

Please don't haul his band mate and his choices into your relationship. That's like a kid who, in trying to win an argument with his parents to allow something, petulantly says, "But Johnny's parents let him!"

 

They are different people with different histories and different values and priorities. They have been together four years. You haven't. The bandmate may have been with the band longer, possibly even have helped recruit other band members, and thus have greater security. He may be more talented, have closer personal ties, etc. Maybe he's using this as cover to find a bigger, better deal. Maybe he just doesn't care anymore. Maybe he gets cut more slack than your BF. Rubbing salt in such a wound works against you, not for you. Remember too, just because someone shows up to work ten minutes late and leaves ten minutes early every day at work, doesn't mean I should as well. I may have different career goals and aspirations than a slacker.

 

At any rate, this discussion should be solely about the two of you and what you both need. Don't blame him. Don't attack him. Don't issue an ultimatum. These are all counterproductive, destructive maneuvers that get you nothing but resentment in the long run.

 

Your job is to voice clearly what your needs are in the relationship, and to help him understand which of these are nonnegotiable, and which as part of a compromise, can be deferred temporarily or permanently. His job is to figure out whether this all seems reasonable to him, whether he is capable of meeting your needs, and how he might do so. He figures out how he is going to meet these, not you. Since any relationship is a two-way street, the same attention needs to be given to his needs and your ability to meet these. For example, he likely needs a GF who is very flexible, patient, understanding, easygoing, forgiving, and independent (meaning she doesn't really need or want him to be around on a routine basis...in fact, she's happy when he's not in her hair, so to speak). It's okay if that's not you. Different strokes, different folks. Just be true to yourself and honest with each other.:)

  • Like 1
Posted
OP...if you guys really love each other...why not go with him?

 

 

I think Kaylan makes a good point here.

 

What say you, OP?

Posted
This is why I made the comment that you seem ill-suited for each other.

 

You are hoping that things don't work out for him. That his pursuit fails so that he can become the type of partner you need.

 

When you meet the right person FOR YOU, you will be thrilled that he is passionate and driven in his pursuit. You will be happy to see him succeed. You will be supportive of his efforts. You will want him to stick with his dreams. You will hope that nothing changes.

 

Right now, you are tolerating your BF's choices and debating whether you can stick it out until he fails and things change. You are hoping he fails within the year so that you can get on with the life that you envision. See the difference?

 

Feeling that you're in love with someone is great, but that's not really love. Being emotionally attached is not love either. Sexual attraction is not love. Love is far more than all of these. A relationship takes more than these things in order to be sustainable.

 

He sounds like a great guy, however the fact that he needs to change into someone else before he can be acceptable to you, means that he is not the right person for you. You're 21. I highly doubt he will be the only man for whom you have these deep feelings. You'll experience them with others.

 

You can accept that you are incompatible now and cut your losses. Or delay, dig in deeper, make each other increasingly unhappy with your inability to really satisfy each other's needs, and finally try to break free when you are even more attached.

 

There's an old Kenny Rogers' song about a gambler that says you have to know when to hold them and know when to fold. The loss sustained is much greater when you are clearly losing but choose to double down rather than fold.

 

This post is so full of truth - I wish I had read this when I was in my last relationship.

 

In my last relationship, he was always (correctly) prioritizing his career over our relationship. The number of events that were important to me that he missed easily surmounted what you've been through. This went on for more than 4 years. He would always tell me that 'things would get easier' but now that the relationship is over I realize it never will, and I hope his future girlfriends know that. The problem was that I gave up a lot of things I wanted to do for him, and now I regret it deeply. This is why compatibility in long term relationships is crucial. If you're not compatible, the two of you will have to give up things to make it work, and you have to ask yourself if you're ok with that. Either that, or one person will be the one making most of the sacrifices. You either accept that without bitterness, or find someone else.

  • Author
Posted
I think Kaylan makes a good point here.

 

What say you, OP?

 

^Well I already responded above.

 

I also hung out with a male friend who is also part of the music business about this tonight - he assured me that just because my boyfriend's booking agent had booked a gig didn't mean that they had to play it (on the night of my graduation). He also suggested that my boyfriend needed more of a backbone in standing up to these guys about his needs outside a relationship (he is in a band also).

 

He also stated to me not to feel guilty in any way about needing a relationship. Which he assured me is all I'm asking by needing some time with him in the Summer. He also said I'd have no problems finding another guy, which was nice (but who knows, lol!).

 

I feel like I have put 1.5 years into this relationship and I'm amazed that my boyfriend is so willing to throw it all away. My friend who knows my boyfriend said he was really surprised that he was behaving this way towards me. I'm so in love with this guy - maybe it's going to come down to loving myself more, and accepting that you take a massive risk in a relationship (ie. though it seems like they may follow through on their love and commitment to you, that may not always be the case). It does make me slightly angry at him though - I feel like I deserve better than this. :(

Posted

As heartbreaking as it is, my feeling is that you two are incompatible.

 

It really does hurt, though. I wish you all the best which ever way it goes. You sound like a mature, young woman who knows what she wants, and will definitely find it (if not with him, then with someone else!)

 

Good luck!

  • Author
Posted
As heartbreaking as it is, my feeling is that you two are incompatible.

 

It really does hurt, though. I wish you all the best which ever way it goes. You sound like a mature, young woman who knows what she wants, and will definitely find it (if not with him, then with someone else!)

 

Good luck!

 

What is it exactly that makes you think we are incompatible?

 

And thank you.

Posted

FWIW, I don't think you should go with him. He is making the choice to focus on his career instead of you. It would not be good for your own future for you to put him above your career, especially when he is going to be traveling all over the place. That means you will most likely be forgoing your career development and working odd dead-end jobs to be with someone who is placing his career above you. Really bad idea especially at your age. The only people I know who did that and made it work were people in marriages (or very long-term relationships) where one partner made it clear that he/she was happy to support the other partner financially, and the other partner was happy to be a SAHP. In your case your bf has not even asked you to go with him... No, just no.

  • Author
Posted
FWIW, I don't think you should go with him. He is making the choice to focus on his career instead of you. It would not be good for your own future for you to put him above your career, especially when he is going to be traveling all over the place. That means you will most likely be forgoing your career development and working odd dead-end jobs to be with someone who is placing his career above you. Really bad idea especially at your age. The only people I know who did that and made it work were people in marriages (or very long-term relationships) where one partner made it clear that he/she was happy to support the other partner financially, and the other partner was happy to be a SAHP. In your case your bf has not even asked you to go with him... No, just no.

 

He's asked me to come with him to a couple of far afield festivals when I couldn't because of commitments to my own 'career'. However, because I'll be graduating around the time his tour starts I will have more time to spend and be with him. I wouldn't go for the entire tour, because I do have my own goals to plan for - planning my career move after the Summer, and learning a language are just two of them!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
He's asked me to come with him to a couple of far afield festivals when I couldn't because of commitments to my own 'career'. However, because I'll be graduating around the time his tour starts I will have more time to spend and be with him. I wouldn't go for the entire tour, because I do have my own goals to plan for - planning my career move after the Summer, and learning a language are just two of them!

 

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that he is putting all his eggs in one basket. He views the band as one job, and his day job as another (but he hates this job) - he told me that if the band fails he'll 'have nothing'. So he's pinning all his hopes and dreams on this one opportunity; and leaving me out in the cold. I know it's not a reflection of his feelings for me, but more a 'This has to work' mentality that shuts out the other important things in his life - and I can't convince him not to do this. People are right, I can only voice my needs.

Posted

Sounds like you've a good head on your shoulders, Kate, and you know what you need to do. Good luck. :)

  • Author
Posted
Sounds like you've a good head on your shoulders, Kate, and you know what you need to do. Good luck. :)

 

Thanks Elswyth :) I've been alternating between feeling extremely upset, void of energy, and desperately wanting to save the relationship, to wanting to just be able to let things go and be happy (and because I want him to be happy too). It's coming in waves.

Posted
What is it exactly that makes you think we are incompatible?

 

And thank you.

 

 

Incompatible in the sense of core values, life goals, etc. I was just reading some stuff on the baggagereclaim site and those thoughts struck me. The writer also mentions (to paraphrase) that if someone else places one in the position of having to sacrifice one's own values to be with them, then don't.

 

As it stands, it doesn't seem like there's any long-term future for things to progress towards building a life together, marriage, etc.

 

I thought this was interesting: The Landmarks of Healthy Relationships | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Anyhow, it's very painful what you're going through, and I feel for you.

 

Hang in there.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
Incompatible in the sense of core values, life goals, etc. I was just reading some stuff on the baggagereclaim site and those thoughts struck me. The writer also mentions (to paraphrase) that if someone else places one in the position of having to sacrifice one's own values to be with them, then don't.

 

As it stands, it doesn't seem like there's any long-term future for things to progress towards building a life together, marriage, etc.

 

I thought this was interesting: The Landmarks of Healthy Relationships | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Anyhow, it's very painful what you're going through, and I feel for you.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks, that article rang a lot of bells.

 

'A relationship without commitment is a casual arrangement no matter how long it goes on for. Commitment gives direction to a relationship and without it, you’re just floating.'

 

That's it. We are floating. The strange thing is he is committed in a way, as he is committed to me monogamously - I know that. But surely 'long term commitments' in terms of actually sharing your life together constitutes this also. Maybe that would change one day when our careers are more solidified (if ever, for him), but maybe not. The part about having similar values also struck a chord; as I think accepting his lifestyle as is, without negotiation, would to an extent mean sacrificing my values. Although, consistency - he has more or less always been consistent in his character.

 

I've written in a letter to him in the event of a worse case scenario when we meet. Maybe I'll cringe about it later, but I just think it's a way of getting my feelings out when I'm not with him, and feeling emotionally charged.

Edited by Kate_261
Posted (edited)

It's great that you're writing down your thoughts, whether or not you give him the letter.

 

What you quoted from the site gave me chills, as I had a very LTR (monogamous, lived together, etc.) but we floated and didn't progress.

 

Maybe your BF would benefit from reading an article like that. I honestly think that elements from it can apply to other things, such as a career, too. What is one's game plan for a career? Is it in alignment with one's goals and values? How does one assess progress? What steps can one take to proactively succeed?

 

Anyone who is in a more "volatile" career choice (such as the arts) needs to be even more on-the-ball to make things happen. It'd be all too easy to let the wind blow where it may, then end up several years down the road with very little.

 

I also know of a couple of musicians who teach music, do music therapy in hospitals, and also have trade skills (electrician, etc.) so they can support themselves and build a life.

 

Anyhow, best of luck! :)

Edited by ja123
Posted
Anyway, the fact of the matter is that he is putting all his eggs in one basket. He views the band as one job, and his day job as another (but he hates this job) - he told me that if the band fails he'll 'have nothing'. So he's pinning all his hopes and dreams on this one opportunity; and leaving me out in the cold. I know it's not a reflection of his feelings for me, but more a 'This has to work' mentality that shuts out the other important things in his life - and I can't convince him not to do this. People are right, I can only voice my needs.

Sorry honey, but it IS a reflection of his feelings for you.

 

Ive always had musician pipe dreams. But guess what? Ive always had the desire to have and cultivate great love with a great woman. I wouldnt give up one for the other. Id try my hardest to make both work if I could.

 

Even if I felt like "this has to work" in terms on my music career, I wouldnt feel like Id "have nothing" if my band failed.

 

Why? Because Im different like that. Ever since I was young, even during the times where I only wanted to date around casually, even during the times where I wasnt quite boyfriend material...ever since I was young, Ive wanted real no-doubts-in-my mind, gosh-youre-making-it-hard-to-breathe-when-Im-with-you Love.

 

Thats what Ive always hoped for deep down. Even if I had NO ONE in the world, and I was barely making ends meet at a job I hated, if I had my girl by my side, Id have something. So for me...theres always something there, if that one great girl is there. Ill always have something if I have her.

 

Feel me OP?

  • Author
Posted (edited)
Sorry honey, but it IS a reflection of his feelings for you.

 

Ive always had musician pipe dreams. But guess what? Ive always had the desire to have and cultivate great love with a great woman. I wouldnt give up one for the other. Id try my hardest to make both work if I could.

 

Even if I felt like "this has to work" in terms on my music career, I wouldnt feel like Id "have nothing" if my band failed.

 

Why? Because Im different like that. Ever since I was young, even during the times where I only wanted to date around casually, even during the times where I wasnt quite boyfriend material...ever since I was young, Ive wanted real no-doubts-in-my mind, gosh-youre-making-it-hard-to-breathe-when-Im-with-you Love.

 

Thats what Ive always hoped for deep down. Even if I had NO ONE in the world, and I was barely making ends meet at a job I hated, if I had my girl by my side, Id have something. So for me...theres always something there, if that one great girl is there. Ill always have something if I have her.

 

Feel me OP?

 

I know, kaylan. When he said he'd have nothing, I said something along the lines of So our relationship means nothing to you? (it was hurtful). I know he means in terms of his career/dreams, but it does make me wonder. I only said it's not a reflection on his feelings for me to make me feel better/be a bit kinder to myself really. Because it makes me think: does he not really love me? But I also wonder if it's a maturity thing. I always savour the love of the people in my life...because I know how fleeting life can be, and how important it is to do so.

 

Up until now, he has always, always showed that he does love me. I don't know how I'll reconcile that apparent show of love with how it doesn't mean much to him now if he chooses to focus solely on the band? I don't want to have all those thoughts rushing around my head after.

 

edit: I injured myself a couple of days ago, and he's been in touch acting concerned etc. I haven't responded lately as I find it hard to have him still acting like a boyfriend when I don't know what the verdict is going to be when I meet him. :(

Edited by Kate_261
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thought some folks might like to know how I got on. Met up and at first we both really didn't know what to do. As it happens we were both able to pinpoint how long things had felt this way for (about a month), and he said there had been tension each time he had raised the band or any time they were doing anything together. I know he is right about this. I often go silent, or start to retreat into my cave if you will. I said I knew that while I was a priority, I wasn't his first, and never could be while he pursues this dream. He said that he was sorry, that it was unfair to me, and that he didn't want to make me unhappy if he couldn't give me what I need. He was fighting hard to hold back the tears (it was me that ended up having to comfort him!) and said he loved me, that I was his best friend and that he still wanted to be with me, but not if we were unhappy together/he couldn't make me happy.

 

I agreed. We still couldn't decide. The only things that stuck out was that I felt very strong (rather than sad), and that I didn't yet feel able to make a decision that would make or break us. So: we've decided to give it a trial run, and see if we feel things are improving, starting with a valentines date. And yes; I have more or less agreed to accept his lifestyle as is (apparently the bandmate did get into trouble for going away with his gf for 5 days), so not such a good example. We will still want to go on a break together, but it would have to be booked nearer to April, than right now. And we are attending a wedding together, which is a 'future event' I suppose. I realised all the ways he tried to be there for me, and how I'd barely recognised them (because I always look to the bigger events as proof, almost).

 

He spoke to the band about the grad ball and they basically said he had to do it. As a compromise (and if we progress that far) I'm going to invite him to a grad dinner after my graduation, and a few days prior to his festival/my ball. The event was bigger than I had thought; it's a big opportunity for him, and as soon as he started to describe it I felt excited for him. I also asked if I would be invited to a few of these festivals, he assured me that I would. I suppose my heart has won over for now. People might think I'm sacrificing too much, but I wasn't ready to let go - and I think I'd forgotten how busy and independent I actually am. He joked that any other woman would have kicked him to the curb; and he's probably right. Maybe I am the sort of 'flexible' woman that can handle this. I still get a lot out of being with him - wonderful dates, nice breaks, and a good man. And I thought about the fact that once I get started in my career, I might expect similar levels understanding from him.

 

The only problem is I'm unsure how to unwind the 'tension' that has been between us this month, other than accepting life as it is with him (ie. the band) - which requires a fresh perspective I think. If I felt like I was giving up too much of myself, I would not have went through with it today. But I felt strangely capable and unable to let go of him. I hope it all works out, my only concern is that too much has happened, and that because of this, things might improve. Any tips on starting semi-afresh would be appreciated :) Thanks everyone.

Edited by Kate_261
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