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Boyfriend may not come to yet another important event with me - I'm really torn.


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Posted
He apologised for saying he would come with me - he said it was naive and said he can make no long term commitments in terms of events and things while he is in this band. We were also planning to go away together on a couple of set dates in the Summer which is now off as well I suppose. I think you're right about him not wanting to say no.. I practically gave him a speech on the phone about how he has to stand up to them this time (I mean, the other, longer term members take dates off).

 

The way we left it is that he has to discuss this with the band properly, and also has to think about the importance of the relationship to him overall. He's asked me to consider whether I can be with him while he lives this lifestyle - he said we've agreed to meet in about a week's time with our decisions.

 

Oh, that bit about no long-term commitments is tough, I feel for you. :( I'm guessing he's getting a lot of heat from his band over this, too, and that's spilling over onto you.

 

It's a tough situation for you to be in; nobody wants to be cast as the Yoko Ono. ;)

 

The really heartbreaking thing is that it doesn't have to be this way - his response to the stress of conflicting commitments also seems to be to view things in this all-or-nothing way, instead of recognizing that, while he's got a lot of commitments with his band, he won't be less of a good bandmate if he sets aside a few dates in the summer just for you.

 

I think it's good that you're talking about this, but you should probably be aware that what you've said to him on your side is very likely what he's hearing on the other side from his bandmates. And it sounds like he doesn't know how to navigate that, when he wants both things.

 

What that might mean is that he just can't handle it right now, and that's saddening, but it's also part of being in your early 20s. Juggling career and relationships can be hard at every age, but particularly when you're just getting started and trying to figure out your path.

 

I don't think you should just sit meekly by indefinitely while he figures it out - he needs to be willing to at least negotiate with you! But since you've only started talking about this with him in this context, I'd say keep the lines of communication open for a little while longer.

  • Like 2
Posted

I'm disappointed with some of the stereotypes people are throwing out here, though not surprised. I was in a band in college and almost all my friends were musicians - some of them successful professionals who quit their day jobs to seriously pursue their love, and some of those who went on to do very well and make a good living with music - so I've seen relationships develop alongside musical endeavors with varying results.

 

I've also seen that some of those men were the sweetest, most devoted guys you'll ever meet. One of them, who is very good-hearted and hosts charity benefit shows all the time - still invites me to play shows with him when he's in my area from time to time, and a good friend of mine who dated him for years says he's probably the best partner she ever had.

 

Also, a band member can't just not be there for some shows. I mean, they can, but it's obviously better for the band if he/she is reliably present. It's also better for the romantic relationship if they're reliably present! Somebody's gonna win and lose.

 

My last long-term boyfriend quit his successful band to move to my city and be with me, after telling me all his previous girlfriends since high school felt "second to the band". It was a big drama fest with his bandmates. One of them gave his this HUGE guilt trip about "choosing a girl over the band" and being disloyal. But he made his decision adamantly, and that was that. But he was 30, and he said it was time to "grow up". If your guy is also early 20s, he's probably a ways from that. And you can't really demand that he take gigs off if he doesn't want to.

 

Don't feel bad or weak about not wanting to be with a guy who can't promise to be with you for important events, whatever the reason. That won't work for everybody, and that's fine.

 

It's good you're talking about this now.

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Posted
Oh, that bit about no long-term commitments is tough, I feel for you. :( I'm guessing he's getting a lot of heat from his band over this, too, and that's spilling over onto you.

 

It's a tough situation for you to be in; nobody wants to be cast as the Yoko Ono. ;)

 

The really heartbreaking thing is that it doesn't have to be this way - his response to the stress of conflicting commitments also seems to be to view things in this all-or-nothing way, instead of recognizing that, while he's got a lot of commitments with his band, he won't be less of a good bandmate if he sets aside a few dates in the summer just for you.

 

I think it's good that you're talking about this, but you should probably be aware that what you've said to him on your side is very likely what he's hearing on the other side from his bandmates. And it sounds like he doesn't know how to navigate that, when he wants both things.

 

What that might mean is that he just can't handle it right now, and that's saddening, but it's also part of being in your early 20s. Juggling career and relationships can be hard at every age, but particularly when you're just getting started and trying to figure out your path.

 

I don't think you should just sit meekly by indefinitely while he figures it out - he needs to be willing to at least negotiate with you! But since you've only started talking about this with him in this context, I'd say keep the lines of communication open for a little while longer.

 

I'm not sure how clear I made it, but we're going away to mutually think about things for a week - when we meet up in a week's time it's to decide whether we're staying together or not I suppose. So we'll only have light contact over the next week (which will be unrelated to our relationship, and sort of to do with work, hard to explain).

 

How can I stay with him if he stands by not being able to make 'long-term commitments'? Over the past few weeks he agreed to come to this ball with me and we also decided we're going away for a few days together; with the end of this month/early March being when we'd make our payments for the trip. It really has thrown me.

 

I'm just trying to figure out what I would be getting from the relationship - I've always been strong-minded, and surely everything would be on his terms from now on, always. He never has been great at handling these situations - but I can't explain how to handle them as though he were a child can I? I think he needs to come to these solutions on his own, without me always prodding.

 

I'm really torn serial muse. I will miss him so much.

Posted
I'm not sure how clear I made it, but we're going away to mutually think about things for a week - when we meet up in a week's time it's to decide whether we're staying together or not I suppose. So we'll only have light contact over the next week (which will be unrelated to our relationship, and sort of to do with work, hard to explain).

 

How can I stay with him if he stands by not being able to make 'long-term commitments'? Over the past few weeks he agreed to come to this ball with me and we also decided we're going away for a few days together; with the end of this month/early March being when we'd make our payments for the trip. It really has thrown me.

 

I'm just trying to figure out what I would be getting from the relationship - I've always been strong-minded, and surely everything would be on his terms from now on, always. He never has been great at handling these situations - but I can't explain how to handle them as though he were a child can I? I think he needs to come to these solutions on his own, without me always prodding.

 

I'm really torn serial muse. I will miss him so much.

 

Oh, I missed that about going away to think. I totally understand why you feel so torn. He sounds like a good person, but not being able to balance work/life stuff is a real issue and a valid aspect of compatibility. And I TOTALLY agree that you don't want to fall into a mommy role here - he's not a child and it's not your responsibility to tell him how to behave well. The only thing that it's really your responsibility to do is to understand what your needs really are, and whether they can be met as things stand. And then to communicate that to him in a way that isn't accusatory but still contains respect for who you are. It sounds like the bottom line is that you need to know he's willing to negotiate this, and the last thing he told you is that he kind of isn't. That might change after he's had a week to think about it...but it might not, too.

 

Still. You're going to be OK. :) Whatever happens.

Posted

Listen Ruby, we were talking about real rockstars, not some insignificant country rock village party wannabe musicians, okay :rolleyes:

Posted

I think you have to decide whether this relationship meets your needs.

 

He's in a band. He's getting gigs. He NEEDS to take those gigs and keep moving forward if this is what he wants to do.

 

If they do succeed, they will be touring all over the place, and there may be long stretches of time where you do not see him at all.

 

Does this work for you, or not?

 

I understand this event is important to you, but you are putting him in an awkward position by having him go to his bandmates, telling the rest of them that THEY need to lose out on money on this night because he has to go to his girlfriend's graduation party. You are wanting him to confront them with the fact that you are a higher priority than they are, and he can't do that... if they have a chance of making it, they have to all be committed to the work and sacrifice it requires.

 

So if you still want to try to make the relationship work, you are going to have to accept coming in second after paid gigs as part of life.

 

That said though, your boyfriend has the responsibility of making an effort when you are together, and showing you that you are important to him.

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Posted

This kind of lifestyle is not something every girlfriend can deal with. Im not sure how I would react if I were you...

 

Personally, Id prob stay away from a guy like this unless I fell head over heels for him and he had alot of other really good qualities to make up for it. Im pretty independent but the things you described would wear on me.

 

Im not sure what to say other than you can either accept his lifestyle because he cannot help it or you can find someone more compatible for you

Posted

You mentioned in a couple of posts that you felt weak about having these feelings. Please don't!! You are emotionally healthy and are seeking to ensure that someone treats you with respect and thoughtfulness. It is anything but weak! It's admirable in fact.

 

Your BF can't be expected to pick and choose which venues he wants to play...or what isn't good enough or worthwhile to play when he has "better" things to do. They are a team! They have a common goal, and if they want to make it, everyone has to give 110%. If someone is flaky or unreliable, he gets kicked out. Unless your BF is clearly much more talented and charismatic as a performer than everyone else, his position becomes tenuous if he cancels on his band mates for "more important" things.

 

Certain career choices are like that. The professional commitments you make will supersede personal life events. It has nothing to do with you personally or with how he may feel about you. It takes a certain type of partner to accept and thrive with those lifestyles, but they certainly exist. Typically they embrace it, become fairly involved in their partner's career, and often are key to taking that success to the next level behind the scenes. Sharon Osbourne comes to mind. Talk about a very strong woman. She was with Ozzy from the very beginning, before anyone knew who he was. Rather than resent his choices, absence, and unreliability, she became his business manager while his girl friend.

 

Play things out... If you're resentful now about a graduation party that you'll barely remember in five years (trust me!), imagine how upset you will be when he can't be there for the birth of your child, because they're playing for Jay Leno, or some Warner music execs want to have a meeting to discuss signing them on a particular day.

 

I too believe in giving relationships every opportunity to succeed. But I also feel a relationship needs to meet the needs of both people involved. You need dependability and reliability and because he is a musician, he can provide neither on a consistent basis. My sense is that you will ultimately be happier if you let him go. You seem ill-suited for each other at this stage of your lives based on what you've shared, and your level of dissatisfaction will eventually increase as he continues down this path. Until you let go, you won't be able to find someone who truly meets your needs and brings you joy.

Posted

Being in a serious relationship with a touring musician is tough for many reasons. It's not simply a matter of whether you're going to love a person who follows his dream and therefore everything is ok. You have to decide what you are ok with and what you're not. I do know people in relationships such as this that make it work, but it means almost always going to events such as the one you mention with someone else. (A gay man works very well for this job if you happen to have one who's a good friend and willing.) But that means you have to really let go of your expectations and accept the relationship as is.

Posted
Listen Ruby, we were talking about real rockstars, not some insignificant country rock village party wannabe musicians, okay :rolleyes:

Well, that was bitchy.

 

If using your music career earnings to build your own awesome lakeside house is what insignificant wannabe musicians do, as one of my musician friends did... OK. :laugh: He left a lucrative career in engineering to pursue music full time. He's gorgeous and sexy, brilliant, and lives with his wife, to whom he is totally devoted.

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Posted
This kind of lifestyle is not something every girlfriend can deal with. Im not sure how I would react if I were you...

 

Personally, Id prob stay away from a guy like this unless I fell head over heels for him and he had alot of other really good qualities to make up for it..Im pretty independent but the things you described would wear on me.

 

Im not sure what to say other than you can either accept his lifestyle because he cannot help it or you can find someone more compatible for you

 

That's the thing. That's exactly what's happened. I'm head over heels in love with him and he's a great guy who treats me well (when he's here). In my heart I love him, but feel like I need to make the logical decision. I suppose this makes me not feel entirely sure about the strength of his feelings.

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Posted
You mentioned in a couple of posts that you felt weak about having these feelings. Please don't!! You are emotionally healthy and are seeking to ensure that someone treats you with respect and thoughtfulness. It is anything but weak! It's admirable in fact.

 

Your BF can't be expected to pick and choose which venues he wants to play...or what isn't good enough or worthwhile to play when he has "better" things to do. They are a team! They have a common goal, and if they want to make it, everyone has to give 110%. If someone is flaky or unreliable, he gets kicked out. Unless your BF is clearly much more talented and charismatic as a performer than everyone else, his position becomes tenuous if he cancels on his band mates for "more important" things.

 

Certain career choices are like that. The professional commitments you make will supersede personal life events. It has nothing to do with you personally or with how he may feel about you. It takes a certain type of partner to accept and thrive with those lifestyles, but they certainly exist. Typically they embrace it, become fairly involved in their partner's career, and often are key to taking that success to the next level behind the scenes. Sharon Osbourne comes to mind. Talk about a very strong woman. She was with Ozzy from the very beginning, before anyone knew who he was. Rather than resent his choices, absence, and unreliability, she became his business manager while his girl friend.

 

Play things out... If you're resentful now about a graduation party that you'll barely remember in five years (trust me!), imagine how upset you will be when he can't be there for the birth of your child, because they're playing for Jay Leno, or some Warner music execs want to have a meeting to discuss signing them on a particular day.

 

I too believe in giving relationships every opportunity to succeed. But I also feel a relationship needs to meet the needs of both people involved. You need dependability and reliability and because he is a musician, he can provide neither on a consistent basis. My sense is that you will ultimately be happier if you let him go. You seem ill-suited for each other at this stage of your lives based on what you've shared, and your level of dissatisfaction will eventually increase as he continues down this path. Until you let go, you won't be able to find someone who truly meets your needs and brings you joy.

 

I don't know how to let go :( I would even go as far as saying I didn't realise the full extent of how much I really love him until the reality that we might break up set in today. It left me feeling cold and helpless. I almost feel like I need to prise myself away from him, because I love him so much.

 

But I'm scared of simply accepting and continuing for the sake of being with him, yet being unhappier in the long run. I suppose my question is, if people have insight on this: What will he offer me in the relationship if he can't offer reliability and dependability?

  • Like 1
Posted

OP...if you guys really love each other...why not go with him?

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Posted
OP...if you guys really love each other...why not go with him?

 

I'm not invited (overall). He's invited me to one festival...you see, all the guys had girlfriends at the beginning, but now the singer and guitarist have recently become single - so it's not the done thing for all the girlfriends to come anymore.

 

I've just spoke to a friend about this and she suggested I agree to a trial run of putting up with it for a year, while pointing out how much of a good man he is, and how much he cares about me. Just not sure how I will feel at graduation months from now when all my friends are with their beaus; and at occasions after that obviously. I just can't imagine not spending any time with him during the Summer - it's the first time I'll finally be free after four years of studying and personal stress, and I want to spend some down time with him. This is what bothers me most about this.

Posted
I don't know how to let go :( I would even go as far as saying I didn't realise the full extent of how much I really love him until the reality that we might break up set in today. It left me feeling cold and helpless. I almost feel like I need to prise myself away from him, because I love him so much.

 

But I'm scared of simply accepting and continuing for the sake of being with him, yet being unhappier in the long run. I suppose my question is, if people have insight on this: What will he offer me in the relationship if he can't offer reliability and dependability?

 

Wow, I'm impressed with YOUR insight Kate, not that it helps your heart any, I know. Some LS problems are so obvious, you are screaming the only logical answer before you're even halfway through the post. This, unfortunately, is not one of them. You both sound like good, mature people, who love each other yet respect yourselves and your goals.

 

I was with a musician for years, but that was after his travelling days, when he owned a recording studio. I saw SO many relationships ( within the bands we worked with) go by the wayside during tours. And I took my hat off to those who stayed married while the wife was raising two kids alone half the year. Better, or rather different women than I.

 

Only YOU can answer the BIG question you yourself posed :What will he offer me in the relationship if he can't offer reliability and dependability?

 

Some people are highly independent and a spouse who is busy half the time or works halfway across the county is fine. It's not for me though Kate. I really, really, really like having a day to day partner, I really want to sleep next to each other every night, do our grocery shopping, plan our budget and enjoy the small and the large things, TOGETHER.

 

You know you can't ask him to give up his dream, and you know you won't be happy with half the loaf, even is he is loyal and loving and kind, if he's not THERE.

 

I'm so sad for you that you have to make such a hard decision. I almost hope he cheats on you, gives you the clap and kicks your dog, so that you can more easily throw him aside and move on more clearly with no regrets...

  • Like 2
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Posted
Wow, I'm impressed with YOUR insight Kate, not that it helps your heart any, I know. Some LS problems are so obvious, you are screaming the only logical answer before you're even halfway through the post. This, unfortunately, is not one of them. You both sound like good, mature people, who love each other yet respect yourselves and your goals.

 

I was with a musician for years, but that was after his travelling days, when he owned a recording studio. I saw SO many relationships ( within the bands we worked with) go by the wayside during tours. And I took my hat off to those who stayed married while the wife was raising two kids alone half the year. Better, or rather different women than I.

 

Only YOU can answer the BIG question you yourself posed :What will he offer me in the relationship if he can't offer reliability and dependability?

 

Some people are highly independent and a spouse who is busy half the time or works halfway across the county is fine. It's not for me though Kate. I really, really, really like having a day to day partner, I really want to sleep next to each other every night, do our grocery shopping, plan our budget and enjoy the small and the large things, TOGETHER.

 

You know you can't ask him to give up his dream, and you know you won't be happy with half the loaf, even is he is loyal and loving and kind, if he's not THERE.

 

I'm so sad for you that you have to make such a hard decision. I almost hope he cheats on you, gives you the clap and kicks your dog, so that you can more easily throw him aside and move on more clearly with no regrets...

 

I suppose because I am quite independent, I wouldn't expect him to be settling down with me just yet (although he has hinted that he'd like to move in together, I couldn't imagine snuggling up alone at nights when he is gone). I think because I have certain things in mind that I want to do over the next year, there is a chance I could handle this for around that amount of time. But after that I probably would like to be with someone I can settle down with, and if there's no end in sight with this band by that time...

 

I know, I almost wish that too. We're not meant to be getting together until next week, but he's already contacted me to see if I'm okay and says that he's plunging himself into work tonight because he feels upset about upsetting me! I need to mull everything over for a few days I think. I really don't have any clear decision on what I'll do right now.

Posted
I'm not invited (overall). He's invited me to one festival...you see, all the guys had girlfriends at the beginning, but now the singer and guitarist have recently become single - so it's not the done thing for all the girlfriends to come anymore.

 

I've just spoke to a friend about this and she suggested I agree to a trial run of putting up with it for a year, while pointing out how much of a good man he is, and how much he cares about me. Just not sure how I will feel at graduation months from now when all my friends are with their beaus; and at occasions after that obviously. I just can't imagine not spending any time with him during the Summer - it's the first time I'll finally be free after four years of studying and personal stress, and I want to spend some down time with him. This is what bothers me most about this.

I dont get why you cant spend time with him when hes doing what he loves, all because his bandmates are single. Thats dumb. I wouldnt care if they felt weird not having a girlfriend, Id want my girl to take part in my life.

 

Since having down time together, and having him at events is really important to you, you need to make sure you tell him all this. And if he cant accommodate you at all, maybe you do need to move on.

 

Good Luck.

Posted

no prom? get the **** over it. You get out of a limo, you drink, you dance, you take bunch of **** photos and then you get railed and go to sleep. Then you wake up the next morning and everything will be the same.

 

You wanna hit the jackpot? Let him go after his dream. Dump him if he fails.

Posted
I don't know how to let go :( I would even go as far as saying I didn't realise the full extent of how much I really love him until the reality that we might break up set in today. It left me feeling cold and helpless. I almost feel like I need to prise myself away from him, because I love him so much.

 

But I'm scared of simply accepting and continuing for the sake of being with him, yet being unhappier in the long run. I suppose my question is, if people have insight on this: What will he offer me in the relationship if he can't offer reliability and dependability?

 

His love and commitment on a musician's terms.

 

Why don't you have a chat with the other band member's GF. Ask her about the positives and negatives that she's had to deal with over the last four years.

 

Bear in mind that this is only the beginning. It will only get harder as the band gains traction, his absences grow longer, and you get ever more attached to him. If you agree that you are struggling now and are ill-suited to his lifestyle, walk away now. The feeling of love is insufficient by itself to sustain a relationship. You must also have compatibility, among a number of other things. The whole point of dating is to figure out whether you are compatible with another person. Whether you can meet each other's needs. One could argue that dating has accomplished its purpose in your case.

 

Again, not every great person is right for us. The decision to break up is never an easy one, but when you're unhappy and your relationship needs aren't met, it's generally the right one.

 

Agree with melodymatters BTW. I too am really impressed with your mature, thoughtful approach. You are asking all the right questions.:)

Posted
I suppose because I am quite independent, I wouldn't expect him to be settling down with me just yet (although he has hinted that he'd like to move in together, I couldn't imagine snuggling up alone at nights when he is gone). I think because I have certain things in mind that I want to do over the next year, there is a chance I could handle this for around that amount of time. But after that I probably would like to be with someone I can settle down with, and if there's no end in sight with this band by that time...

 

This is why I made the comment that you seem ill-suited for each other.

 

You are hoping that things don't work out for him. That his pursuit fails so that he can become the type of partner you need.

 

When you meet the right person FOR YOU, you will be thrilled that he is passionate and driven in his pursuit. You will be happy to see him succeed. You will be supportive of his efforts. You will want him to stick with his dreams. You will hope that nothing changes.

 

Right now, you are tolerating your BF's choices and debating whether you can stick it out until he fails and things change. You are hoping he fails within the year so that you can get on with the life that you envision. See the difference?

 

Feeling that you're in love with someone is great, but that's not really love. Being emotionally attached is not love either. Sexual attraction is not love. Love is far more than all of these. A relationship takes more than these things in order to be sustainable.

 

He sounds like a great guy, however the fact that he needs to change into someone else before he can be acceptable to you, means that he is not the right person for you. You're 21. I highly doubt he will be the only man for whom you have these deep feelings. You'll experience them with others.

 

You can accept that you are incompatible now and cut your losses. Or delay, dig in deeper, make each other increasingly unhappy with your inability to really satisfy each other's needs, and finally try to break free when you are even more attached.

 

There's an old Kenny Rogers' song about a gambler that says you have to know when to hold them and know when to fold. The loss sustained is much greater when you are clearly losing but choose to double down rather than fold.

Posted

Ever heard of a military relationship?

:laugh:

 

 

 

Seriously though, people out there go months, sometimes years with out seeing their significant other. It is possible to make it work, but accepting the fact that certain important events are going to be missed is part of that.

 

My ex husband wasn't home for a single one of my birthdays. That wasn't even the start, but we made it work because we thought it was worth it.

Now it is just up to you to figure out if HE is worth it.

  • Author
Posted
This is why I made the comment that you seem ill-suited for each other.

 

You are hoping that things don't work out for him. That his pursuit fails so that he can become the type of partner you need.

 

When you meet the right person FOR YOU, you will be thrilled that he is passionate and driven in his pursuit. You will be happy to see him succeed. You will be supportive of his efforts. You will want him to stick with his dreams. You will hope that nothing changes.

 

Right now, you are tolerating your BF's choices and debating whether you can stick it out until he fails and things change. You are hoping he fails within the year so that you can get on with the life that you envision. See the difference?

 

Feeling that you're in love with someone is great, but that's not really love. Being emotionally attached is not love either. Sexual attraction is not love. Love is far more than all of these. A relationship takes more than these things in order to be sustainable.

 

He sounds like a great guy, however the fact that he needs to change into someone else before he can be acceptable to you, means that he is not the right person for you. You're 21. I highly doubt he will be the only man for whom you have these deep feelings. You'll experience them with others.

 

You can accept that you are incompatible now and cut your losses. Or delay, dig in deeper, make each other increasingly unhappy with your inability to really satisfy each other's needs, and finally try to break free when you are even more attached.

 

There's an old Kenny Rogers' song about a gambler that says you have to know when to hold them and know when to fold. The loss sustained is much greater when you are clearly losing but choose to double down rather than fold.

 

Yeah, I see what you mean. I hadn't thought of it like that - because obviously, if he wasn't still doing it, it would of course mean he had failed...but I'm not sure it's as simple as saying I would be 'supportive' of his dreams and hope that nothing changed regardless of everything. It might sound strange, but for him, I want him to succeed and fulfil everything that he is, and has always hoped to be - but I hate the way it affects our relationship.

 

But I truly have tried to be supportive. When he first told me about the band asking him to join (and I knew this band had toured America previously) I told him to go for it, though I instantly knew everything would change. When he had to miss the first half of my birthday, I said nothing about it and smiled when he finally did show. I do love him.

 

I know that you're probably right, that I'll experience it with others. That's something I've been thinking about too. It's going to be one of the biggest life decisions I've had to make so far. This is what he has been trying to hammer home to me though - 'This is who I am' - now he just needs to know whether I accept who he is, while I need to know whether it's even possible to still have a valid place in his life.

Posted (edited)
Ever heard of a military relationship?

:laugh:

 

 

 

Seriously though, people out there go months, sometimes years with out seeing their significant other. It is possible to make it work, but accepting the fact that certain important events are going to be missed is part of that.

 

My ex husband wasn't home for a single one of my birthdays. That wasn't even the start, but we made it work because we thought it was worth it.

Now it is just up to you to figure out if HE is worth it.

Did you really make it work if you are divorced?

 

I wouldnt compare dating a musician to dating someone in the military who can be gone for stretches of a year. Musicians arent ever gone that long. And those who are on long tours, generally make enough that their spouses can come along and be taken care of.

 

Nevermind the fact that military relationships come with their own unique batch of issues. Personally, while OPs situation is tough...sounds to me like her bf is in a relatively know but still small local band, and he could be making more efforts to spend time with her while still playing plenty of shows and festivals.

Edited by kaylan
  • Like 1
Posted
Did you really make it work if you are divorced?

 

I wouldnt compare dating a musician to dating someone in the military who can be gone for stretches of a year. Musicians arent ever gone that long. And those who are on long tours, generally make enough that their spouses can come along and be taken care of.

 

Nevermind the fact that military relationships come with their own unique batch of issues.

 

 

Yes.

We didn't divorce until he was out.

May want to watch what you say, if you really must know we divorced after due to him turning into an abusive alcoholic. Thanks though.

 

 

That is why I made the point. It is totally a doable relationship. You just have to come to terms with big events being missed.

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Posted (edited)
Did you really make it work if you are divorced?

 

I wouldnt compare dating a musician to dating someone in the military who can be gone for stretches of a year. Musicians arent ever gone that long. And those who are on long tours, generally make enough that their spouses can come along and be taken care of.

 

Nevermind the fact that military relationships come with their own unique batch of issues. Personally, while OPs situation is tough...sounds to me like her bf is in a relatively know but still small local band, and he could be making more efforts to spend time with her while still playing plenty of shows and festivals.

 

Exactly. One example is that his friends invited him to a separate music festival abroad for a few days, but he said he couldn't even think about booking tickets because he's probably have to do stuff with the band around that time. Well, lo and behold, the next week his bandmate books up to go to this festival abroad with his girlfriend!

 

So, this is what I mean. Clearly his bandmate is able to juggle the band making commitments to his girlfriend. I think as it stands it won't take me a week to decide where I'm at - whether it will be the right decision in the long-term or not, I think my decision for now will be that I could accept his lifestyle as it is because I know how much he needs to live out his dreams, and the Summer is the festival season after all. But, this would only be if he would agree to spend some time together during the Summer, whether it's him inviting me to come with him, or a break away together. I think that way we'd be reaching more of a compromise, rather than me just accepting scraps.

 

It's been a long four years (I also had a couple of bereavements to cope with while completing my education), and this Summer is the first time I'll be able to just breathe, and relax. I'd like some of those Summer months to include downtime with him, and if he denies me that then I'll truly know what I can and can't accept, and that I'd done all I can.

Edited by Kate_261
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