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Boyfriend may not come to yet another important event with me - I'm really torn.


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Posted

I'll start by saying I love my very much (1.5 yr relationship), and am really struggling with this particular problem. About 9 months into our relationship my boyfriend was offered a place in a decent band (they have toured abroad etc) and he took it, as it was obviously a great opportunity - he loves music. But it meant a huge shift in the relationship. The first time I realised how much the dynamic was going to change in the relationship because of the new band was when I booked and put a lot of thought into (expensive!) concert tickets for his birthday. He later said he couldn't go as the band were playing a festival that night - I was upset, but got over it. Then came my 21st; whether he was going to be able to make it (because he might have been touring) meant his presence at my birthday was on tenterhooks - eventually he was playing with them, but came for the last hour of my birthday.

 

I feel like these have been real tests in our relationship, and he realises its been hard for me. He recently took me on a nice trip for a few days to make up for him being busy, and it was lovely. But when we got back it was back to reality + he told me the band were planning to tour during the Summer. Then, I find out my graduation ball is going to be on a certain date in the Summer, and ask him to be my date. He said yes and clarified that he wouldn't be touring at that time. So since then he's offered to split costs for the graduation and we're about to pay the first installment/have been getting excited about it. But today he texts me to say that his band have been confirmed to play a festival nearly 6 hours away on the same date as my ball. I asked surely he was still keeping his word about coming? and he said he 'didn't know' and 'hadn't promised'.

 

I want to clarify that I love this man very much. He has been very supportive of me, and always urged me to follow my dreams. I'm trying to do the same for him, but almost feel defeated this time. It's going to be one of the most important dates for me, and he'll play other festivals - I told him he really needs to think hard about it (because I don't see how the relationship can progress after this, though I didn't say that). I'm upset about it, I know he is too. The thought of breaking up devastates me, but the thought of continuing to accept scraps isn't much better. I feel like I often put him first, but am starting to wonder at what cost for myself. I can't believe that I'm even considering ending a relationship with someone whom I love, and who I know loves me, and I'd rather explore every other possible avenue first. Advice?

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Posted

I don't think people in a committed relationship are too bothered about 'plenty of fish' - it's not something I particularly believe anyway, I think we tend to click with a relatively small amount of people that we can actually envision having a relationship with.

 

Anyway, any constructive advice would be helpful folks :(

Posted

Damn...this is a toughie.

 

While Im a very supporting and loving guy myself, my music is very important to me....and a successful tour can really make or break a band. It can really get their name out there, or it can show them that maybe they need to get back to the drawing board.

 

That being said, Id really try to make your ball a priority and try and take a couple of days off and see if someone could fill in (which isnt always doable). Like I said, its tough.

 

Voice your concerns with him and good luck. Career and dreams vs Love is a hard thing to deal with.

  • Like 1
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Posted (edited)
Damn...this is a toughie.

 

While Im a very supporting and loving guy myself, my music is very important to me....and a successful tour can really make or break a band. It can really get their name out there, or it can show them that maybe they need to get back to the drawing board.

 

That being said, Id really try to make your ball a priority and try and take a couple of days off and see if someone could fill in (which isnt always doable). Like I said, its tough.

 

Voice your concerns with him and good luck. Career and dreams vs Love is a hard thing to deal with.

 

Thanks. I suppose what I'm scared of is - I think - after airing everything, and he still says that he must play the gig on that date and doesn't come with me to the ball, I don't see myself being able to continue the relationship (even though I love him). And I'm scared of making a terrible, terrible mistake. But I feel like I'm starting to sacrifice so much of what I want to make him happy. How will I know I'm doing the right thing?

 

But obviously I'd hope we could resolve it first. I feel like he should be able to compromise/the band should hopefully understand because it isn't 'a tour' per se this time, but a bunch of festivals they are playing separately. I don't understand the technicalities though.

 

It starts to make me feel like I'm holding him back, and I don't want to do that either.

Edited by Kate_261
Posted

You have valid concerns and should voice them to him. Let him know that you want to feel like hes putting effort into the relationship and that you want to feel cared for and valued.

 

I understand being in a band is a lot of work...but if I really cared about a girl, Id find ways to make both my relationship and my band work. I wouldnt be missing important dates all the time.

 

Let him know you cant keep doing things the way they are, and that if the bands more important to him right now, that he should focus on that. You shouldnt be constantly upset because you feel neglected. Youre young...be happy.

  • Like 3
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Posted
You have valid concerns and should voice them to him. Let him know that you want to feel like hes putting effort into the relationship and that you want to feel cared for and valued.

 

I understand being in a band is a lot of work...but if I really cared about a girl, Id find ways to make both my relationship and my band work. I wouldnt be missing important dates all the time.

 

Let him know you cant keep doing things the way they are, and that if the bands more important to him right now, that he should focus on that. You shouldnt be constantly upset because you feel neglected. Youre young...be happy.

 

Thanks for this :) I've thought about what you've said here, and will be speaking to him tomorrow.

Posted

Unfortunately, this is his lifestyle. You are either okay with it or not. Right now, the crisis is your ball. In three or four months, it will be something else. And on and on ad infinitum. This has nothing to do with level of interest or depth of commitment. This is life with him given the career path he has chosen. Accept him for who he is and what he can offer as a musician trying to succeed, or walk away.

 

Someone can be a great person, but not the right person for us...or not the right person right now. That's okay. There will be others. You are 21. He's not the last fish ever on the planet, nor is he likely to be the guy with whom you'll spend your lifetime. Billions more to pick from, some with lifestyles more compatible to your relationship needs.:)

  • Like 6
Posted

He is a musician . And very lucky to be a working one. They work weekends. His birthday and your birthday need not be celebrated on weekends so he has to get a pass for those.

 

Im assuming you're finishing college, that is the graduation you refer to? And that you are throwing a ball for yourself to celebrate. He said he would pay for half of the ball ? Why not just change the date since its your party?

Posted

Oh I see, it's a school function. Hmm. It's so hard because I'm sure as young musicians thy have to take every single job. But on the other hand...it's a dance...you will have a wonderful time , go with someone else.

Posted

It's just a dance. In ten years time you'll barely remember it. He sounds like he's not doing this on purpose, you only really have two options here, dump him in favour of someone who isn't brave enough to follow their dreams successfully or just accept his absences from some occasions as the compromises you have to make in adult committed relationships.

  • Like 3
Posted

I guess you have to ask yourself how important the special functions are to you. Personally, speaking only for myself, I would find it very difficult to be with someone who missed all of our special occasions, some at the last minute, because he was touring with his band. That doesn't mean that he is in the wrong, of course, but your own needs are important too. You're young and he's unlikely to be changing his dreams and goals. You two need to have a talk about this, and if it leads to breaking up, it just wasn't meant to be.

 

I don't believe in plenty of fish in the sea either, and you're correct in that, but I also think that many young people are mistaken when they think they'll never find love again after a relationship ends. Most people do. It may take some time, but they do. Especially in their 20s and 30s.

  • Like 3
Posted

Being that the majority of relationships don't last or work out...even if they make into marriage, sustaining them can be a whole other process for many...I think it's reasonable in the big picture that he make the sacrifices necessary to pursue a once in a lifetime venture.

 

After all there will come to a point in his life if he "doesn't make it" where he'll have to give this up and venture into something more permanent and stable if this isn't providing for him. So while you're young and have the opportunity, you definitely have to pursue these things while you're able instead of prioritizing a relationship that may either be here nor there in the future...it's like you're married either, I know that sounds harsh but you're just the GF and for 1.5 years not worth dropping his dreams over.

 

I'm not sure how popular or "rising" his band is...I think if he has a real opportunity it's understandable but if he's just continuing to play at small venues and festivals I think he should make more of an concerned effort to be there for you when you need him for these special occasions because they important to you.

 

I do think he should try harder to make arrange plans to attend your special occasions, he should be making sacrifices that are within his power for at least those...I do question how invested and how much he actually prioritizes this relationship...it sounds a bit to me that this is more of a convenient relationship and you're just the typical all-in-love-girl that doesn't want to lose the man type scenario.

 

You need to figure out if you're being fulfilled by this relationship and whether he realistically has time for one. I would ask him to figure that out and think about it, whether he can make you more a priority and by doing so making every effort to be there for you that is within his power. At the end of the day though, you can't ask him to do more than he can...it's not just his band, it's with a group of other guys and they all have to make the same sacrifices. Personally I'd tell him just to be single but I know you don't want to hear that. After all how much of a relationship can you have if he's never around? or gone for long periods of time...if he's young and doing things with his life, I honestly feel a relationship just slows em down or is an anchor and it's a situation that would offer many opportunities to cheat...depends on the type of guy he is, I know you'd probably swear up and down he's not the type.

 

The last thing you should do though is not say how you really feel...you need a great level of communication to maintain relationships....loving the other person is just one piece of the pie, it's not like in the storybooks, it ain't that simple especially as relationships evolve into different phases/stages...that warm fuzzy feeling isn't going to solve real problems, it'll just create more the more you repress it because you won't be happy.

 

You've got to be able to work through these things, or you'll never make it in the long run.

Posted

I held myself back from some amazing opportunities in my early 20s because I prioritized my relationship - with a guy I'm no longer with. Looking back, I wish I had put myself and my goals first. I've learned by now to do that, and I don't let a man's agenda sway me from what matters to me. So I think he's doing the right thing by taking a shot at this.

 

I like how you're really considering your own feelings. But I don't like how you say you often "put him first". Don't do that, because no man respects a woman who just caters to him and sacrifices her own happiness to stay with him.

 

Don't ever invest or bend more than the other person is, or you'll start breeding resentment in waves.

  • Like 1
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Posted
I held myself back from some amazing opportunities in my early 20s because I prioritized my relationship - with a guy I'm no longer with. Looking back, I wish I had put myself and my goals first. I've learned by now to do that, and I don't let a man's agenda sway me from what matters to me. So I think he's doing the right thing by taking a shot at this.

 

I like how you're really considering your own feelings. But I don't like how you say you often "put him first". Don't do that, because no man respects a woman who just caters to him and sacrifices her own happiness to stay with him.

 

Don't ever invest or bend more than the other person is, or you'll start breeding resentment in waves.

 

Yeah, I understand this and I don't want to hold him back from chasing his dreams. The thing is that while he might miss this one concert, he will be attending several others over the Summer (which of course means I'll hardly see him as it is). I would think that attending this one night with me wouldn't adversely affect him/the band...?

 

I know in myself if he didn't come to this - I know I'd be breeding resentment in the months leading up to the event. If I could cope with this lifestyle completely, and support him wholeheartedly, then I would. I even feel a bit weak for feeling unable to support him unable to support him as I should anymore. But I suppose I feel he should take supporting me on this day seriously too.

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Posted
Unfortunately, this is his lifestyle. You are either okay with it or not. Right now, the crisis is your ball. In three or four months, it will be something else. And on and on ad infinitum. This has nothing to do with level of interest or depth of commitment. This is life with him given the career path he has chosen. Accept him for who he is and what he can offer as a musician trying to succeed, or walk away.

 

Someone can be a great person, but not the right person for us...or not the right person right now. That's okay. There will be others. You are 21. He's not the last fish ever on the planet, nor is he likely to be the guy with whom you'll spend your lifetime. Billions more to pick from, some with lifestyles more compatible to your relationship needs.:)

 

I'm not sure if it will be something else - my 21st, and graduation are the milestones that are important to me. Nothing anywhere near equally as important springs to my mind!

 

But you might be right. This might just be the way it is. He is a great, great person. The time I spend with him are very happy times. That's why this upsets me so much. But I am also fearful of looking back and realising I spent my life as a 21 year old pining for a boyfriend.

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Posted (edited)
Being that the majority of relationships don't last or work out...even if they make into marriage, sustaining them can be a whole other process for many...I think it's reasonable in the big picture that he make the sacrifices necessary to pursue a once in a lifetime venture.

 

After all there will come to a point in his life if he "doesn't make it" where he'll have to give this up and venture into something more permanent and stable if this isn't providing for him. So while you're young and have the opportunity, you definitely have to pursue these things while you're able instead of prioritizing a relationship that may either be here nor there in the future...it's like you're married either, I know that sounds harsh but you're just the GF and for 1.5 years not worth dropping his dreams over.

 

I'm not sure how popular or "rising" his band is...I think if he has a real opportunity it's understandable but if he's just continuing to play at small venues and festivals I think he should make more of an concerned effort to be there for you when you need him for these special occasions because they important to you.

 

I do think he should try harder to make arrange plans to attend your special occasions, he should be making sacrifices that are within his power for at least those...I do question how invested and how much he actually prioritizes this relationship...it sounds a bit to me that this is more of a convenient relationship and you're just the typical all-in-love-girl that doesn't want to lose the man type scenario.

 

You need to figure out if you're being fulfilled by this relationship and whether he realistically has time for one. I would ask him to figure that out and think about it, whether he can make you more a priority and by doing so making every effort to be there for you that is within his power. At the end of the day though, you can't ask him to do more than he can...it's not just his band, it's with a group of other guys and they all have to make the same sacrifices. Personally I'd tell him just to be single but I know you don't want to hear that. After all how much of a relationship can you have if he's never around? or gone for long periods of time...if he's young and doing things with his life, I honestly feel a relationship just slows em down or is an anchor and it's a situation that would offer many opportunities to cheat...depends on the type of guy he is, I know you'd probably swear up and down he's not the type.

 

The last thing you should do though is not say how you really feel...you need a great level of communication to maintain relationships....loving the other person is just one piece of the pie, it's not like in the storybooks, it ain't that simple especially as relationships evolve into different phases/stages...that warm fuzzy feeling isn't going to solve real problems, it'll just create more the more you repress it because you won't be happy.

 

You've got to be able to work through these things, or you'll never make it in the long run.

 

I'm not sure how 'rising' the band is either - I think they will either get a real chance at making it now, or keep playing gigs/festivals every so often. This particular one that he would miss my graduation ball for is a small festival, compared to some of the bigger ones he will get to play in the surrounding months. I certainly wouldn't want him to/let him drop his dreams for me in any case, because I'm fully aware of how important it is for him. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I can 'handle' it so to speak. Someone else here said I'm 21, this is how adult relationships work - as a result, I feel a bit weak for not being able to accept this as part of an adult relationship and move on. It feels too hard.

 

I think the problem is he hasn't yet said he 'will do everything in his power' to make this important date for me - I actually have said these things that you've mentioned here; I told him that I'm not just a convenience and that I want to be a priority in his life. He actually said 'I don't have priorities' - I found this incredulous, but he insisted that he doesn't prioritise me or the band over the other (although last week he changed this to 'You are most important', nice to hear though I know it's not true).

 

I really don't want to just be that typical all-in-love girl. I sometimes worry that it is the case, and that he's not more invested - but then he'll do something so surprising/wonderful to make me feel stupid for even thinking he's not as invested as me. Honestly, I think the band is important to him, and I'm important to him too. But it does seem like he can't have both - I don't feel like I can be made second best all the time, yet at the same time I know a lot of the time that's how it has to be so he can follow his dreams. This time I'm asking for one day out of his busy Summer.

Edited by Kate_261
Posted (edited)

Yeah I too think you are at the bottom of his priority list, but that comes with the territory. In other words, you should have expected this from the beginning and can't be really upset now. What else did you expect when you started dating a musician? That's how they are, most of them are narcissistic douchebags anyway, and I wonder why no one so far has brought up the obvious groupie problem...how do you know he is worth it when you can't even be sure he is faithful on those tours...

 

Don't waste your time with him, what he is able to give is obviously not enough for you - but if I were an aspiring rock star, I probably wouldn't give up my music and touring for some man either, unless I was ready to settle down or met the true love.

 

Though I know of some band dude who was really big with his band, met the love of his life some years ago, married her and still continued to go on tour, albeit less over the years. Only now the band is retiring. So even when those band guys meet their true loves, it still doesn't mean they will necessarily change their lifestyle.

 

I also have plenty of friends in the tattoo business, it's almost identical as it is with musicians. They too have to constantly travel to conventions etc. I know one who despite having a family is still doing the travelling part.

 

My point is, when you date certain kind of people, you can't complain about their lifestyle. If you want someone who's home every night, find yourself a nice nerdy accountant.

 

Why not just go on tour with him, I'd totally do that if I was in your shoes. Make the best of it and have some exciting tour memories.

Edited by Negative Nancy
  • Like 2
Posted
Yeah, I understand this and I don't want to hold him back from chasing his dreams. The thing is that while he might miss this one concert, he will be attending several others over the Summer (which of course means I'll hardly see him as it is). I would think that attending this one night with me wouldn't adversely affect him/the band...?

 

I think the main issue is that he isn't on his own in that band. He probably has to commit to them before he commits to you I'm sorry to say. This is a lifestyle choice indeed, probably a bit like going out with an army guy in this sense. His priorities will be the band because of his mates, because in the beginning they have to play as often as they physically can, because they must not come across choosy or flaky or unreliable.

 

It's a massive commitment on his part.

 

On the other hand, it is also true that you won't even remember your graduation ball years down the line. It's a big deal to you now but it really is nothing in the big scheme of things. Though that doesn't help you right now of course.

Posted

Looking at this apart from just the ball, you need to have a serious discussion with him about what he wants in the future. How long is he planning on chasing this musician thing? What if he gets legit successful somehow...you'll be out like yesterdays news anyway. What do you want? Are you looking to settle down in the near future?

  • Like 1
Posted
I think the main issue is that he isn't on his own in that band. He probably has to commit to them before he commits to you I'm sorry to say. This is a lifestyle choice indeed, probably a bit like going out with an army guy in this sense. His priorities will be the band because of his mates, because in the beginning they have to play as often as they physically can, because they must not come across choosy or flaky or unreliable.

 

It's a massive commitment on his part.

 

On the other hand, it is also true that you won't even remember your graduation ball years down the line. It's a big deal to you now but it really is nothing in the big scheme of things. Though that doesn't help you right now of course.

 

Yeah, I agree with both of these points. My sense OP - correct me if this is wrong - is that it isn't necessarily about the specific events but that you really are trying to figure out how he's ranking his priorities. I mean, I understand that graduation is important and your birthday is important, but I doubt that those particular occasions would be the line in the sand, except that you've started to look at everything in your relationship in this either-or way - he chooses me, he chooses the band. And these are two events that you cared enough about to ask him to make an early commitment, which he did.

 

I don't know, it's really a tough one, but I'm not so inclined to assume that you're his lowest priority. I agree that the issue is that he's also part of a group and has a commitment to them as well. He probably does need to play as many gigs as possible. And he's young. So I'm going to guess that the real issue is that he's got a bit of a problem saying no - to you, and to them. That's kind of a maturity thing.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that this doesn't sound so all-or-nothing to me - I'd suggest maybe you could take a step back from the cliff before deciding that he goes to this ball with you or you're through. Instead, it's an opportunity for you to talk with him and say, look, I understand your commitments and I want to support your dreams - so let's make some sort of a deal here.

  • Author
Posted
Yeah I too think you are at the bottom of his priority list, but that comes with the territory. In other words, you should have expected this from the beginning and can't be really upset now. What else did you expect when you started dating a musician? That's how they are, most of them are narcissistic douchebags anyway, and I wonder why no one so far has brought up the obvious groupie problem...how do you know he is worth it when you can't even be sure he is faithful on those tours...

 

Don't waste your time with him, what he is able to give is obviously not enough for you - but if I were an aspiring rock star, I probably wouldn't give up my music and touring for some man either, unless I was ready to settle down or met the true love.

 

Though I know of some band dude who was really big with his band, met the love of his life some years ago, married her and still continued to go on tour, albeit less over the years. Only now the band is retiring. So even when those band guys meet their true loves, it still doesn't mean they will necessarily change their lifestyle.

 

I also have plenty of friends in the tattoo business, it's almost identical as it is with musicians. They too have to constantly travel to conventions etc. I know one who despite having a family is still doing the travelling part.

 

My point is, when you date certain kind of people, you can't complain about their lifestyle. If you want someone who's home every night, find yourself a nice nerdy accountant.

 

Why not just go on tour with him, I'd totally do that if I was in your shoes. Make the best of it and have some exciting tour memories.

 

He has said that I could probably come with him him to one or two of them during the Summer, if I wanted. I don't think it's much of a reflection on his feelings really, he's just hellbent on living out his dream. He has said I need to decide whether I can accept his lifestyle (the groupies thing doesn't worry me for the moment, because I trust him and I know what kind of guy he is. Don't want to discuss this groupie thing any further anyway).

Posted
He has said that I could probably come with him him to one or two of them during the Summer, if I wanted. I don't think it's much of a reflection on his feelings really, he's just hellbent on living out his dream. He has said I need to decide whether I can accept his lifestyle (the groupies thing doesn't worry me for the moment, because I trust him and I know what kind of guy he is. Don't want to discuss this groupie thing any further anyway).

 

Why can you only probably go to one or two of them?

  • Author
Posted
Yeah, I agree with both of these points. My sense OP - correct me if this is wrong - is that it isn't necessarily about the specific events but that you really are trying to figure out how he's ranking his priorities. I mean, I understand that graduation is important and your birthday is important, but I doubt that those particular occasions would be the line in the sand, except that you've started to look at everything in your relationship in this either-or way - he chooses me, he chooses the band. And these are two events that you cared enough about to ask him to make an early commitment, which he did.

 

I don't know, it's really a tough one, but I'm not so inclined to assume that you're his lowest priority. I agree that the issue is that he's also part of a group and has a commitment to them as well. He probably does need to play as many gigs as possible. And he's young. So I'm going to guess that the real issue is that he's got a bit of a problem saying no - to you, and to them. That's kind of a maturity thing.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that this doesn't sound so all-or-nothing to me - I'd suggest maybe you could take a step back from the cliff before deciding that he goes to this ball with you or you're through. Instead, it's an opportunity for you to talk with him and say, look, I understand your commitments and I want to support your dreams - so let's make some sort of a deal here.

 

I think you're right. I don't think I realised I was doing it - but maybe part of me asking him to do things in the future is to make sure that he's willing to make me a priority.

 

I spoke to him this afternoon. Albeit only on the phone. We both agreed it was a difficult situation, but he clearly wasn't jumping through hoops to tell the band how important this day is. Eventually he said he didn't know how to convince them about the importance of the graduation...to which I said it was pretty self explanatory. He ended up saying he would speak to them all about it over the next couple of days.

 

He apologised for saying he would come with me - he said it was naive and said he can make no long term commitments in terms of events and things while he is in this band. We were also planning to go away together on a couple of set dates in the Summer which is now off as well I suppose. I think you're right about him not wanting to say no.. I practically gave him a speech on the phone about how he has to stand up to them this time (I mean, the other, longer term members take dates off).

 

The way we left it is that he has to discuss this with the band properly, and also has to think about the importance of the relationship to him overall. He's asked me to consider whether I can be with him while he lives this lifestyle - he said we've agreed to meet in about a week's time with our decisions. Honestly I'm surprised at my feelings - I already feel like my heart is breaking, and feel devastated at the idea of losing my best friend and boyfriend. I almost feel like I'd do anything to keep him, which isn;t healthy, and I've never felt this way about a guy before. It's because I know what a stand up guy he is apart from this, but how can you be in a relationship that is noncommittal? The ideas don't match. I don't know what my decision will be.

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Posted
Why can you only probably go to one or two of them?

 

Because I'll probably only be invited to one or two (I don't think the band would appreciate my constant presence). Another member has been with his girlfriend for four years and he takes her if they get guest passes for +1, which doesn't always happen.

 

Furthermore, I'm not looking to settle down as in get married, if that's what you meant. I've got dreams I want to fulfil before then as well. But I am serious about my boyfriend, so I expect commitment from him. If I were to continue with this relationship while saying 'but of course it's fine that you don't need to commit to doing anything with me in the future', surely it cheapens the whole concept of a relationship? I would feel like I'm dating him casually, when I'm in love with him.

Posted

Since he already told you, adamantly, that he'd attend this special event with you, only to later recant his decision, that in itself speaks volumes to me. If he had been aware of a conflict from the start, I wouldn't be saying this, but since he already confirmed himself as your date, I think he has adequate time to find a replacement for just one gig.

 

As painful as it may be, I don't think you are mistaken to be questioning the future of your relationship at this point. Don't blindside him, though, be completely up front about your feelings. And if he acts as if he could care less, and doesn't make some effort on the behalf of your relationship, I'd hope you love yourself enough to let this man go.

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