Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 He's seeing just how horribly he can mistreat you, and still have you come back for more. Because he is just that irresistible to you. What an ego rush for him. And you keep answering his calls. Seriously? There are people who are that nasty/evil to do something like that? :confused:
xxoo Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Seriously? There are people who are that nasty/evil to do something like that? :confused: Yes, abusers. They stomp other people down to make themselves feel better. Did you ever hear the expression "Hurt people hurt people"?
Anela Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Seriously? There are people who are that nasty/evil to do something like that? :confused: I told you about one on the previous page and in the past. They seriously do exist. xxoo is right.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) I told you about one on the previous page and in the past. They seriously do exist. xxoo is right. What are the odds that someone might not be doing this sort of thing deliberately , though? Or is it usually done subconsciously? What if someone, for example, is just the type of person who says everything that comes to mind / doesn't have a filter? Not that it makes it any better, but I really wish I didn't have to realize that he was doing this deliberately. :/ Edited February 11, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
xxoo Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 What are the odds that someone might not be doing this sort of thing deliberately , though? Or is it usually done subconsciously? What if someone, for example, is just the type of person who says everything that comes to mind / doesn't have a filter? Have you done any reading on narcissistic personality? These individuals are good as sucking people in, otherwise no one would give them the attention they crave. Have you heard of Occam's razor? What do you think the chances are that a 40 year old man really doesn't understand that you shouldn't tell your gf that you are spending Valentine's Day with another woman? Or prostitutes? He knows what he is doing. Also, he picked you because you are inexperienced, and easy to manipulate. He wouldn't go for a stronger woman. 2
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Yes, actually, I know about NPD, and I have written about my bf/ex(?) being NPD, on this very forum.... (particularly in the thread in the Separation section, called Borderline Personality Disorder). I guess I wanted to be proven wrong that he wasn't doing this on purpose. And I also wanted to be proven wrong that someone would be capable of hurting a woman who is already having family health issues. That's just pure evil.
xxoo Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Why the need to be proven wrong about him? He's shown you who he is. BELIEVE HIM. 2
PepperPotts Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 NMJ, as hard as it seems, it sounds like it may be time to pull out the guide in TaraMaiden's signature line :/ This guy has never been what you deserve, and you could have it so much better! Don't let him drag you down anymore, and don't let him reel you back in! We will all be here for you either way, but it sounds like it's best right now for you to take control of the situation and boot him out of your life. It will hurt, but it's like pulling out a splinter. You have to have a little more pain in order to heal. 1
AngrySpider Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 NoMoreJerks... It was quite an impassioned post that you had written in response to what I said about karma.I could almost feel your anger and hurt.And,yes,some people are just that nasty/evil to willfully hurt someone else.You obviously have what it takes to be in a committed and loving relationship with someone and,if this guy pulled his big head out of his a$$ to see that,he could benefit greatly from it. I hope that you're doing okay.I just kind of wanted to follow up on this whole situation,which is why I posted. 1
blugirl Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) Seriously girl, how old are you? You are clearly SO NAIVE, inexperienced and so unknowing about the nature of many men out there.... Why girls who are in their 1st relationship are always so clingy as if they thought that one guy is the best they could ever get...? Girl, been there, done that. And no, he isn't the end of the world, there are many more fish in the sea and YOU CAN DO BETTER. LET GO, dammit. The worst thing is, you are so blind and just wont let go...... sigh Just break it off already, he is USING YOU. Wish I could shake you hard and knock some sense into you Edited February 13, 2013 by blugirl 1
Xinreeki Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Hope you are doing ok NMJ. I felt very sad reading through your thread, as it reminds me very much of my own bad experiences with jerk bfs in the past. I too struggled to see the bad behavior from those guys as major red flags and abuse at the time, and desperately tried to justify their actions to myself in every which way I could. Looking back I don't know how I managed to put up with all the abuse for so long, as at times they would even become violent and I would excuse it, blame myself and worst of all forgive them and go back to them. I really hope you find the strength to leave this guy behind because it seems clear from his actions, as you describe them, that you can do so much better, you DESERVE so much better! I know it might seem like you love him unconditionally now and that he is the best bf you can find, but trust me there are plenty of much better guys out there waiting for you to meet them! I know because I didn't think I'd find any better than those abusive exs I've finally left behind but I did! Now I have a bf who loves me very much and treats me very well. So I'm sure there is a much better guy out there for you too! 1
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Yeah, thanks, I'm fine. We have talked , and today is the last day of his job, so he claimed he was doing a 12 hr shift, to make sure everything was in order. While he was at work, I sent him a cute vintage V-Day card by text, and he replied saying : "typical, my busiest day is on Valentine's day, i forgot all about it. will make it up to you in april.xxx". I said, no problem, i understand you've been busy and stressed about the last day of the project, etc. Then, an hour and a half later, he sent me a text saying "Finished for the day, need to do all my online stuff now. Then beer, hehe. Speak maybe later, just depends how drunk i get. Can't wait to get home." So he has the time to go out and have drinks, but no time to even make a 5 minute call on Valentine's day? I mean, don't get me wrong, I find Vday to be overrated and all that, but still... it just goes to show his priorities. And funny, but he didn't seem to forget about V-Day when he was set up on his "pseudo" date with that woman... Yesterday, he claimed he was gonna stay in tonight, and said we can definitely talk, but as usual he broke his promise. And I am sure he is going on that date, even though he never brought it up again. Oh well, whatever. I was gonna go out and have fun on V-Day with my gfs, but I am feeling sick (back pain , etc.) so I am staying in. Overall, a depressing day. Whatever. He's doing his usual blow hot, blow cold routine, rinse and repeat. The other day he told me his co-workers had told him that he can move to Canada and have his company fly him from Canada to where he needs to be, that it doesn't make any difference to the company where he's flying from, etc. I assume that's cos he told his co-workers about me (at last). Or maybe he was "future-faking". I don't f*cking know. And you know what? At this point, I don't f*cking care. I am too tired and sick to care.
Xinreeki Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 That sucks NMJ. Hope you feel better soon. My bf says he doesn't like valentine's day either (seems most / many guys don't, and a lot of girls too I'm sure) and he only sent me one text, but seeing him soon so I'm sure he'll make it up to me in some way. Your bf does seem to show some pretty bad patterns though NMJ so I understand your frustration. My ex used to future fake, break promises a lot, cancel plans and disappear with unknown friends for days at a time. Was really hard to cope with, but at the time I didn't know any better. I know you probably feel like you're at the end of your tether now, but really there are plenty of other better guys out there who will treat you with respect and put in as much effort into a relationship as you clearly do. But whatever path you choose, sticking with your current bf or leaving him to find someone better, I really do hope you feel better soon. 1
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Well, what really peeved me about his lack of contact wasn't v-day per se, but the fact that he had told me that he was gonna go on this pseudo-date with this woman who works in the city he's working in, that his co-workers had set him up with. He only mentioned it once, said it was on V-Day, at 8pm. He last mssged me at 7:15 pm, said he was gonna do some stuff online quickly, then go have some "beers." I would not be surprised if he was going on that date. I mean, if he dislikes V-day so much that he is unwilling to mention anything about it, or even call me on that day, how come he's going on a date with some other woman? I mean, the date itself is bad enough, let alone him justifying his behavior on the grounds that he doesn't like V-day, and not contacting me at all, and then going out on a date with some other woman. That's just such a douchebag move. I mean, he wants to have my approval to hit on other women, go on "dates" with them, etc. Not that he 's not gonna do it if I don't give him that approval, but he wants to have his cake and eat it too, so wants to make sure I'm still around even when he fools around. And I am giving him exactly what he wants, time and again. I would've called him today except that he didn't even give me the chance. He had told me he was gonna be at work all day til at least 8 pm, and he's technically not allowed phones on the army base he works at, so I could get him into trouble if I called him and his phone rang or if he picked up and was caught talking. So I just didn't call. And when he did finish his job, he didn't even give me the chance to call him, said he was gonna go out for beers. Yeah, whatever. I'm just gonna ignore his calls at this point and then text him saying that I was out having fun with some guys, had a date with some guy, etc. At this point, I'm so bitter, that I'm willing to play this game and twist in the knife. Or maybe he really doesnt' give a sh*t.
MyPoutine Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 This reminds me of my exLDbf, run away as fast as you can. I know what it's like to be madly in love with someone but love shouldn't hurt and make you feel bad...trust me. Like you it took a while before I finally let go and when I did it felt good but I also felt ashamed and embarrassed that I'd stayed for so long and put up with so much crap. There are other men out there, even if you feel unsure about letting go completely right away I would suggest you do go out and mix and mingle, trust me when you see how better it is out there you will have the strength to leave. I wish you luck, it was not so long ago that I was in the same destructive cycle and in the end I woke up from my rose-tinted daze and faced reality - eventually you will too.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) Thanks MyPoutine and Xinreeki. It means a lot that people share their experiences and show understanding of my situation. I do think that eventually, I will not stick around, but for now, I'm just taking a wait and see approach. He texted me this morning, at 1 am my time, 8 am his time, and said "hey sexy, just woke up. I don't fly back home until 3pm but couldn't sleep, even after a long night of heavy drinking." I didn't reply, because I was asleep (even though I woke up when I heard the beep of incoming text, and read his mssg). He then texted me again an hour later, and said "I should be back home at 6pm Canada time. We can chat then for a while but I will likely need some sleep. 40 days in Turkey complete, finally. Speak soon. Xxx". He then texted me at 4:30 am my time, saying : "arrived very early [at the airport] as usual, at least I can relax here. Hope you have a good day. Talk later. X" I just sent him a dry text saying "Good morning. Guessing you are on the plane right now. Speak later." I didn't even wish him a good/safe flight yesterday, because, well, I had assumed we'd talk after he finished work, and he never did want to talk to me, so I didn't even text him anything about his flight. I really can't be bothered to be overly nice at this point. I am NOT gonna go back to walking on eggshells again. I'd rather not walk at all with him, than walk on eggshells. MyPoutine, are you from Quebec by any chance? Edited February 15, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) That sucks NMJ. Hope you feel better soon. My bf says he doesn't like valentine's day either (seems most / many guys don't, and a lot of girls too I'm sure) and he only sent me one text, but seeing him soon so I'm sure he'll make it up to me in some way. Your bf does seem to show some pretty bad patterns though NMJ so I understand your frustration. My ex used to future fake, break promises a lot, cancel plans and disappear with unknown friends for days at a time. Was really hard to cope with, but at the time I didn't know any better. I know you probably feel like you're at the end of your tether now, but really there are plenty of other better guys out there who will treat you with respect and put in as much effort into a relationship as you clearly do. But whatever path you choose, sticking with your current bf or leaving him to find someone better, I really do hope you feel better soon. Hey -- Luckily, I have not had the disappearing act with this guy. I don't think I can cope with that, though to be honest ,I am not sure which is worse, not knowing what he's up to, or knowing that he's hitting on/ chatting up prostitutes, etc. The other day he said they had gone into a normal bar, where non-prostitute women were sitting at a table together, and him and his co-worker went and started chatting them up. Really, dude? I mean, what are you doing? If I were single, I might entertain doing that with a guy, but now that I consider myself to be in a relationship,I don't go and chat up random men at the pub. Even if I do go to pubs by myself, if a guy starts talking to me, I keep it just friendly, and let him know that I'm taken. I definitely do not start a conversation with a man at a bar, if I am in a relationship, though. Maybe it's just me, but to be honest, there IS something sexual about men and women conversing in bars. It's not "oh we can be great buddies" -- that's not why he's talking to you. Anyway, apparently, the group of women got uncomfortable and got up and left, and then the bouncer told my bf and his colleagues not to talk to women in bars again, because it's not how things are done in Turkey (they are quite conservative there, even the more Westernized parts of the country). They just paid for their drinks and left. The other day he mentioned that he wants to go on vacation somewhere , in the summer. He said "maybe" THailand -- "you know I like those areas." Yeah, ok. Whatever. Go take your vacation. If he is so starved of sex, I fail to see why he'd go to Thailand if he, as he claims, does nothing like that there. I'm gonna take a wait and see approach on this Thailand thing. If he goes to Thailand, it's a deal-breaker. I'd understand if he goes somewhere close t him, in Europe, that won't cost him much money. And even so, the fact that he's made me so insecure about what he gets up to , makes me wonder the sorts of things he'd get up to in places like Europe, where women are more independent/open-minded and would probably go back with him to his hotel room or whatever,u nlike in Turkey, where his only option is probably prostitutes. This guy is mindf*cking me, and making me feel more insecure than I've ever been. If he wants to play with whores and other women, he should go do that. The next time he brings this up, I will tell him that and block him on my phone, etc. FOR GOOD. Edited February 15, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
blugirl Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 And even so, the fact that he's made me so insecure about what he gets up to , makes me wonder the sorts of things he'd get up to in places like Europe, where women are more independent/open-minded and would probably go back with him to his hotel room or whatever,u nlike in Turkey, where his only option is probably prostitutes Excuse me, but EVERYWHERE, in every country, you will find both conservative and liberated girls. No matter which of them is the majority. And usually it's those "liberated" who hang out in bars, although, again, not all of them. So just through hanging out in bars he could theoretically get hooked everywhere.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 Excuse me, but EVERYWHERE, in every country, you will find both conservative and liberated girls. No matter which of them is the majority. And usually it's those "liberated" who hang out in bars, although, again, not all of them. So just through hanging out in bars he could theoretically get hooked everywhere. Maybe, but a lot of women in those countries go to bars in groups, to spend some girl time, or maybe they prefer to meet Turkish men, not foreigners, because they are interested in more than a one night stand (ONS, pre-marital sex, etc. -- which their society does not accept). Plus, the perception of foreign men who are there on business trips, might be quite negative. If such a man chats you up, it is likely that he is looking for a one night stand, not because he is interested in you for something more serious. In more conservative countries (and I have been to a few), that is how it works. Now, the Western parts of Turkey aren't quite so conservative, but society still does not accept certain things, and women still adhere to these norms, because otherwise they will get disowned. I am sure there are women who live on their own there, and can therefore do whatever they want, but that is probably quite rare compared to Europe , North America, Australia, etc. Even in Thailand, which is by no means that conservative, women other than prostitutes do not go out to bars (they stay at home with their families), or if they do go out, they go out in groups and/or are accompanied by male relatives, and stay away from the shady/sleazy parts of town where the foreigners hang out. Sure, it's quite possible to hook up with a woman who is not a prostitute ANYWHERE, but the odds of doing that in Thailand or Turkey are low. Lower in Turkey than in Thailand, though.
Masana Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 As always I apologize of my English in advance, NMJ, I'm sorry that you're still living in an illusion. You find one excuse after another for his behavior. Maybe he does not know better, maybe that's what he did, going on a shady bars with prostitutes. Also, it is a prejudice that women living in Turkey under a glass bell. It used to be, today young women out there live same as women on the West Europe. Do not ever let him wrestle with these tales of prostitutes, bars, women who wanted money for sex with him. He obviously has a problem, not only that he is a jerk. Maybe it gives him some “super power”, because obviously he has control over you, or at least tries to dominate. But you're smart and you know and you can do better. Last year at this time and I was in a LDR, in the seventh heaven of love and emotion. When it ended, I was devastated for months, denying the truth, there was justification. But I stuck to the NC, or limited C because I saw his fb profile. After I learned here, how to block it on fb and the last thread of our relationship is gone. Yes, I still read the occasional posts here, I have some bookmarks and some new ones. The day I do not even come on the LS will mean that I fully got over the five-year-long relationship. I wish you good luck and without a jerk in the future:) P.S. And you know what, this almost a year is not wasted. at least I improved my English a little:cool:
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) He has actually told me the name of the prostitution bar he was going to. It's called Stavanger. It's right next to the Hilton in Izmir, Turkey. I checked it out on the web, and sure enough, it's where business travelers go to, to get their sexual needs satisfied. I even found a website where people were talking about the looks of the prostitutes there (apparently mostly from E. Europe). He wasn't lying about where he was going. Why would he claim he was chatting up prostitutes? Is that somehow supposed to be any better than chatting up non-prostitutes? I have Turkish friends here, one from Izmir actually, and the thing is, they are not that conservative, they go to bars with me, flirt with men, etc., so I also found it hard to believe that the women he was talking about -- the ones who are in bars -- were creeped out by the attention they were getting from pretty sexy/hot foreign men (his friend is pretty handsome too, he's shown me his picture). I don't know. I am sure he did not say it to hide the fact that he came home with one of them, because he phoned me up that night that this was supposed to have happened, and told me about it. We talked for about 45 minutes on the phone, and I don't think he would've placed a call in the middle of the night if he were with some chick he had picked up from the bar.... Your English is pretty good, btw -- no need to apologize. Edited February 15, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
Nyla Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 You know what your intuition is telling you and several LS members who don't even know your boyfriend, are mostly saying that he is cheating. Why do you keep trying to convince yourself that your boyfriend is faithful, when you apparently know in your heart that he is cheating? I am far too cynical to believe in LDR's. I'm not saying that they can never work, but they are far less likely to be successful because of the distance and infidelity that tends to come into play. I don't have very much faith in men being true to women, especially when there is such a distance. The only reason I think this way is I grew up seeing men enjoy cheating on their wives, so that is where my cynicism comes from. I've been noticing that many young Canadian women are going to Jamaica and coming back married. It is always the same stories: "He's building a house for us in Jamaica!" or "I'm going to sponsor him to come up." :rolleyes:Jamaican men are notorious players, so I don't understand women who are dumb enough to think, that young Jamaican men are waiting to sleep with their wives a few times a year. Usually once the Jamaican men come to Canada they are gone as soon as they get their immigration papers. These types target naive and desperate women. Listen to your intuition.
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 (edited) Well I am getting very mixed signals. And he is in the habit of acting very strange towards the end of his trips, especially when he's been in Turkey. It's weird. Anyhow, one reason I find it hard to believe he's cheating is that he has openly admitted to going to bars and chatting to prostitutes... I mean, I don't know. Is this the modus operandi of cheaters? To tell their gfs that they are hanging out with prostitutes? On the grounds that admission that he's hanging out with them is supposed to make her less suspicious that he's doing anything more than that? The other day he told me to go out and have some drinks and enjoy my time. Then he said, talk to anyone, guys, girls, whatever, but I'll be quite peeved if you did anything with a guy. I told him I was loyal and that he knows me, that I would never cheat on him -- I hadn't even had sex until I met him (he was my first, I was 29 when I met him). But the fact that he even mentioned that makes me wonder if he was projecting... He said he knows that these things happen in long distance, etc., but that anything more than me hugging a guy is unacceptable for him. And this is a guy who admitted that prostitutes had put their hands on his thigh all night long? Edited February 15, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
xxoo Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Well I am getting very mixed signals. And he is in the habit of acting very strange towards the end of his trips, especially when he's been in Turkey. It's weird. Anyhow, one reason I find it hard to believe he's cheating is that he has openly admitted to going to bars and chatting to prostitutes... I mean, I don't know. Is this the modus operandi of cheaters? To tell their gfs that they are hanging out with prostitutes? On the grounds that admission that he's hanging out with them is supposed to make her less suspicious that he's doing anything more than that? What do you mean by mixed signals?
Author NoMoreJerks Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 What do you mean by mixed signals? He calls me every day. Sometimes twice a day. And this is on top of texts on and off during the day. He also calls me after coming home from drinking (which would mean he's not with another woman -- unless it was a 1 hr prostitute I guess, and he called me up after she left?). The only exception was yesterday, which admittedly was pretty weird and annoying (especially that it happened to be V-Day and he had told me he had been set up on a date). He tells me stuff like, he expects me not to do anything with another man (which I assume also applies to him not doing anything with another woman). We talk a lot on Skype (most days). He texts me as soon he lands at the airport, etc. He tells me he wants to cook for me (he does, when we are together). And then he does all that crappy stuff.
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