rcp711 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 ok.. I will attempt to make this short. My boyfriend and i have been together on and off for three years. We are from Louisiana but he works 28/14 in Pennsylvania. Trust is and has always been an issue with us. I don't fully trust him. And with reason. I know the whole no trust equals no relationship stuff but its not that cut and dry when you love someone. He has lied to me in the past about talking with other girls and such. One time i had a gut feeling and when i snooped (i know i shouldn't but sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do) i found out he had been text messaging his ex. He said some pretty hurtful things about wishing he could spend time with her but he's got me. And even stated how he couldn't wait to get home to sleep with her. Well before i found this information he had joked with me one night about how she and him talked about why their relationship ended and that he wishes they were still together. Now, at this point i knew they were speaking but had no problem as long as it was a friendly thing. Well when he told me that i flipped out. Then he said he was just joking. Which is something he does often. He tries to push my buttons to see what he could get away with. Well i took his word for it and went about my business. A few days later when i snooped and found the texts, i also found out that the conversation he "joked" about really did happen. What guy tells on himself only to say that he is joking and make it into a lie. Well needless to say i ended things. Ended up forgiving him a month later and now we are here again. I periodically check his phone without telling him because i need to be one step ahead of him at all times. He works a thousand miles away. Its the only way to find out info. Well i figured out his Facebook password. I only did it once around thanksgiving time. Well he's been acting weird while he was at work last week so i decided to check his fb. Come to find out he's been private messaging girls asking if they are single and telling them that they are hot and whatnot. Now i understand this is not cheating. I do.t agree with it but maybe he just needs to feel like he still has it. Anyway, he came home yesterday and said to me.. "wait till you see this stripper I've been talking to on Facebook" i was dumbfounded. Like he was about to tell on himself. So i played into it. Knowing that he has talked to a stripper. I've seen the messages myself. Then he drops the subject. So when i pushed the issue he says i can believe what i want to believe. What would talking to a stripper on fb do for him. Then changes the story to " i know you gonna go through my phone anyway so i talk to girls so you have something to find. If you wouldn't be nose you wouldn't find anything and what you don't know won't hurt you" so i got pissed. The he says that he and the guys at work all flirt with girls on fb just to joke around and see wwho can get responses from the hottest girls. Which i could see happening. And his theory is he's not doing anything wlong because "i should know already that he loves me and only wants to be with me. So i shouldnt get mad" but to me its like no matter what its a lose lose situation for me. Cuz he would flirt in front of my face or behind my back. So either way he gets to do what he wants and i don't care for it. Its a constant struggle cuz he says i worry about too much. But i have a hard time not worrying because i feel like he's always up to no good. I've never found concrete evidence of him cheating. I feel like that's what i wphld need to end things for good. In the meantime i just love him so Muhammmuch and wish he could get it together for me. And be the gay that i know he can be. Im so confused. I don't know where to go with all these feelings.
Author rcp711 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 By the way.. Please excuse the typos and stuff. My phone has horrible autocorrect.
Balzac Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I've never found concrete evidence of him cheating. I feel like that's what i would need to end things for good. Welcome to LS. I'm unclear what you seek here because you've stated your definitive criteria for making a decision.
Author rcp711 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 I guess i just wonder if Im being crazy for feeling the way i do. Like would other people be upset if they were in my current situation? Or would they look past it? And is it acceptable for him to be so forward with girls via the internet? I mean.. I don't know if this is just a guy thing. Or not really? Idk what Im seeking either. I just don't have anyone to talk to about things because no one really agrees with my relationship. Is this issue something that other people would break up over? And should i give up so easy? Im just lost. I don't mean to waste anyone's time on here. Just thought i could get some insight from outside sources.
Balzac Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Okay, that clarifies what you are open to discussing. If you don't mind sharing your general age range, that helps LS folks form responses. Your feelings are what they are, feelings are not right or wrong. How one thinks about certain situations definitely affects feelings. Do you live with this guy when he's not out-of-town?
pteromom Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I personally think this relationship has ZERO chance of ever being what you wish it would be. You guys have very different values when it comes to what behavior is or isn't OK in a relationship. You want him to be monogamous and faithful and not need to talk to other girls. He thinks it is no big deal to flirt with other girls. Even if you somehow got him to change his behavior, his underlying attitudes and opinions about it wouldn't change. He would still be a person who believes that flirting and messaging girls isn't a big deal - he would just be curtailing the associated behavior out of fear of you leaving him. You say you have a natural distrust of him, and you've gotten enough evidence to prove that your natural distrust is valid. But that you won't leave him because you love him. So you gotta choose your poison here. Either you have to accept him the way he is, as a flirter and possible cheater, or you need to put your feelings aside and use common sense and logic to determine if he is really a good fit for you. Personally - I think you could do a lot better, and think that if you were in a relationship with someone who was trustworthy, you'd find that a lot of your insecurities would fade away.
Balzac Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I know the whole no trust equals no relationship stuff but its not that cut and dry when you love someone. Focus on answering why you choose to remain in an intimate relationship with a man who doesn't value your idea of exclusivity?
Author rcp711 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 I am 25, he is 27. No we do not live together. We actually each purchased homes in 2012. Separate homes i mean. But the two weeks when he's in i stay with him its our compromise because he wanted me to move in with him when he bought his house but i didn't feel we were stable enough to make such a big decision. I find myself thinking the same things you've said. I have told him before that i feel like we are just too different to make things work. His response was that he knows we are different but that you just have to accept that and move on. Keep going forward in the relation.ship and just love each other and that will be what keeps us together. But sometimes i feel lik lovee isn't enough. My sister joked one time that we should just get married and be thwarting miserable couple that loves each other. Is that how marriages are? I don't know many happily married people. I guess you are right. Im going to have to decide whether to put up and shut up or just leave. The latter just seems so scary when i still have so much love for him. How do you justify leaving someone you love?
Balzac Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 You have brought a lot to talk about here. I recommend you begin by focusing on your feelings w LS people.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) I guess i just wonder if Im being crazy for feeling the way i do. Like would other people be upset if they were in my current situation? Or would they look past it? And is it acceptable for him to be so forward with girls via the internet? I mean.. I don't know if this is just a guy thing. Or not really? Idk what Im seeking either. I just don't have anyone to talk to about things because no one really agrees with my relationship. Is this issue something that other people would break up over? And should i give up so easy? Im just lost. I don't mean to waste anyone's time on here. Just thought i could get some insight from outside sources. Out of curiosity, why don't they approve of the relationship? At any rate to address your question asking what others would do, everyone sets their boundaries differently. Personally, I would not choose to be in a relationship with a man who actively solicits and flirts with other women. Thus, his rubbing his behavior in my face, and claiming he was "just kidding" would also not work. For me as well, trust is foundational to my relationships. I wouldn't stay if I couldn't trust my partner or felt compelled to snoop. You will have to decide what you are willing to accept. What seems reasonable to you. What works for you. Whether the positives that you personally get from the relationship outweigh the negatives, including your partner's inability to want the same things in a relationship that you do. You stated that lack of trust didn't mean the end of the relationship for you, despite the fact that a majority of his time is spent in a distant part of the country away from you. Your views on trust obviously will factor into the calculus you use to make your decision. Good luck! Edited February 8, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I guess you are right. Im going to have to decide whether to put up and shut up or just leave. The latter just seems so scary when i still have so much love for him. How do you justify leaving someone you love? If you are unwilling to walk away when someone treats you in a manner that you find fundamentally unacceptable, you risk becoming his doormat, which is ultimately very damaging to a person's self-esteem. Staying with someone out of fear is not "love." It's many things, but certainly not love or self-preservation.
leftfordead2 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 The man you described sounds like he has got a lot of growing up to do..
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