breaking up because of depression

[meeji]

thank you!

 

you're completely right.. i lost my grandad a while back.. he was married to a woman with manic depression episodes where she would just disappear for 2 weeks and come back.. he'd be besides himself and not be able to get hold of her, but by the time she came home, he was so grateful to have her back he put it all behind him. she'd just go crazy.. take his cash and buy things she didn't need to make her feel better.

 

I can't help but feel that i have the same personality as him.. that i'm attracted to people with the same traits as her.. my last serious relationship was with a girl who had also self harmed and gotten into drugs, she was my first love and i wonder if maybe you idolize the next girl to be like the previous one (subconsciously) ? or like i said maybe i have the same traits as my grandad.

 

who knows.. i do like the saying 'no good deed goes unpunished'

 

it makes sense.. it's like now i'm in this heartbroken state i'm not interested in any other girl right now.. but everytime i go out for drinks with friends the girls offer to buy me drinks or get to know me.. probably because i'm not giving them attention like the other guys.. but i know as soon as i feel better and ready to date none of these girls will be interested in me anymore haha i got asked if i want to go for lunch with a girl on valentines day but i just think it seems so surreal sitting at a table with a girl who isn't my ex.. maybe it will do me the world of good.. maybe i'd just hurt her and i don't want to do that since she has been kind enough and courageous enough to ask me.

 

cheers for replying though and reading my threads. i'm honestly a mess and i just can't accept that the last thing my ex said to me before getting in her car the other night was ' i promise you i won't do anything stupid' it's haunted me ever since it makes me feel sick that it's come to that.. that she has to say that to me. i just feel like i want to give her a massive hug and tell her everything will be okay... but she doesn't want me to and it won't be okay. its so messed up!

 

reading peoples replies on this website really helps! a lot of the time i go out just for the sake of keeping busy when really it doesn't help me at all. it just makes people get sick of me i try to keep to myself to keep others from disliking me until i can pull myself together to go back out there as my cheery self and I've given them enough time to miss me!

 

 

Its called "white knight syndrome."

 

White Knight Syndrome: Subtypes

[Addison312]

^good point. I've been telling myself there is no way my ex and I could even attempt a healthy relationship with his untreated depression, stress levels, and overall denial of the situation. He has left me twice, both times saying I did nothing wrong and being with me was great. I could never trust him with my feelings again. He would just leave! It took me the second BU to realize this, however, and Calgary - I know how hurt and confused you are feeling. It makes me sad. Just remember as we have been saying, the girl now is the depressed girl, not the girl you fell in love with.

If it were me in your shoes, I probably would speak to her (over the phone preferably) and point her in the direction of getting help from a licensed professional. That's ultimately the only way she will feel better. Some people just go through a "situational depression," and maybe that's it and in time she will be her old self. The depression may return or it may not.... I'm not saying there is no future for you guys because if it is situational and she gets counseling, there is a chance. That being said, chronic sufferers are an entirely different story.

To answer your earlier question, the first time my BU occurred, it was for about 6 weeks. I had no knowledge of the whole NC process listed on this website so I answered when he would send a text every now and then the first 3 weeks, then I called him after 3 weeks and invited him over to talk. I was concerned about him and wanted to tell him he couldn't bail on a good thing because I was willing to stand by his side blahblahblah etc etc. He bailed and I went NC (and started reading this forum). I wanted nothing more than to have the old him back. Anyways, he called and asked me to dinner. I went and we got back together. Then life's stressors after the holidays began to build back up for him, I guess, and here I am again. Only this time, I'm much stronger.

Let us know what happens and continue using this website for support. Seems to have helped me a bit. I must say I love reading Whatever TaraMaiden says.

[Addison312]

I must add if you end up speaking to her, don't do it for you and for hopes to get the relationship back. Do it because she needs help and you care about her. After you plant this seed in her brain, go no contact and heal yourself. Go to church, take long walks, enjoy the little things. You will meet someone that is healthy enough for the relationship you deserve, one in which both sides can bring something to the table.

[GG3]

I had a rough time with a relationship I had last year with someone who had depression. I didn't know that's what was going on but now I can see it. He later called me to tell me had been depressed and this last for months. He seems to think it's normal.

 

What I found weird was he kept telling me I am "never happy." This was driving me nuts. My personality is always bubbly and joking. I rarely get down about anything. When I told my friends they were confused too. I really took it personally and got down on myself.

 

All I could figure was it must be projection. Anyone else encounter that??

[calgary]

I must add if you end up speaking to her, don't do it for you and for hopes to get the relationship back. Do it because she needs help and you care about her. After you plant this seed in her brain, go no contact and heal yourself. Go to church, take long walks, enjoy the little things. You will meet someone that is healthy enough for the relationship you deserve, one in which both sides can bring something to the table.

taramaiden just gives me the hard straight up truth and i know i'm going to get hurt and one day i'll wish i listened to her and i always appreciate her telling me but like you said.. if it was you then you'd still go for dinner.. it's love and it might be one sided but you'd do anything for that person especially in a time of suffering.. you'd be willing to suffer yourself as i am doing.

 

i love this site. it's a place to vent where nobody knows me.. and i'm not putting it all on my friends and family.. i'm giving it to people who can relate and advise me and in your case give me your version of what happened as you're a few paces ahead of me probably doing exactly as i did!

 

i like and agree with you about doing this for her.. that's completely true, although it pains me I've come to the realisation that it's better for me not to get into something i'm uneducated on and come across as a carer rather than a lover.

 

to hear and see her in the state she's in is absolutely devastating.. it's hard now whilst i'm turning off my light and going to bed alone. or going to the places i used to go with her and leaving with friends and saying bye to her instead of leaving with her.

 

i did like the saying ' she's a shell' it's the body of my girlfriend but the girlfriend i had isn't in there at the moment.. she might return at a later date but i can't wait around for her whilst she goes off doing reckless things because she's not thinking straight at this moment in her life. it does sound like situational depression i think.. it comes and goes. she's had eating disorders, self harmed, drug addictions... she got help but hated it.. i met her 9 months after she'd gone through all that and the girl i knew and was sat with at dinner.. you would have never in a million years guessed had gone through all that.. i feel like she's slipping back into it.

 

It's hard enough to be in a relationship when both parties are happy and healthy.

[calgary]

this link is exactly me, i keep laughing it describes my feelings exactly. Thank you ! quite like the title it makes me sound noble.

[Addison312]

But knowing what I know now, I made a mistake getting back together with my ex. I was so excited to have him want me again, to just wake up for the first day in weeks and not feel completely distraught...in hindsight, I went about it all wrong. I didn't insist he be in treatment to have our relationship back. I should have and any person involved with a depressed person should require that. I thought, "oh, he's back! And he said he's feeling better. He doesn't have his life figured out like he wanted to when we broke up but who cares?! He's back!" And we threw ourselves into it agin without discussing it much further. Huge.Mistake.

And your ex sounds like she has chronic depression, not situational. She has issues. Self-medicating with drugs and cutting?! You cannot save her! YOU cannot help her. That is why I said tell her over the phone to get treatment, then cut ties. Do not go to dinner.

[Addison312]

My depressed boyfriend just broke up with me - Depression

 

^ read that. There is a poster named "wrecked" that had a long, drawn out waiting period for her ex bf after he dumped her because of his depression/issues. I read the entire thing and she never goes NC, always checking in on him and put her life on hold. You can see the pain she goes through. In the end, she says she wouldn't have wished what she went through on anyone, that she was seeing things with rose colored glasses. She eventually, I believe after about 2 years, she finally began to move on.

Edited February 8, 2013 by Addison312

[calgary]

thank you i have read wreckeds comment.. i agree.

 

i'm focussing all i can on making myself a better person i'm actually in a lot better shape and I've been doing well with work and exams.. it's been great to spend time with old friends again and family... but i feel guilty that i just abandoned a person in need to take better care of myself .. especially a person i cared for more than myself.

 

i suppose the mind really does love to forget the bad and remember the good. i ended things because i felt like she was very distant with me.. she's very flirty in nature.. not intentionally just a very touchy person and it got to me too much that she wouldn't hold my hand but she'd pretty much sit on another guys knee that was her friend.

 

it felt insulting. i felt hurt that she couldn't consider my feelings.. and now here i am concerned about her feelings. i feel like an idiot some days and then others i just get extremely upset because i remember when i couldn't walk because she was hugging me and wouldn't let go. it's Friday night i should be making dinner at her place with a bottle of wine but instead i'm in playing xbox.

 

i miss what i had but like you said.. even if she allowed me in her life in a none relationship sort of way.. i'd be just as upset as when i left her. i still find it so difficult to move on.. i'm unsure how long it will be until i will see another girl but i think it will be a long time.

[czen]

it's such a complicated confusing thing to go through!

so the depression sort of hit your girlfriend in waves?

I feel like that happened to my ex.. she went off the rails a couple of years ago.. pulled herself back together 9 months before she met me we got together everythings amazing.. she starts pulling away and feeling sorry for herself.. I get upset and annoyed because she's not close to me anymore or wanting to spend time with me, I start getting jealous of other people.. she doesn't tell me until a few weeks after no contact she's going through depression and we haven't really had chance to talk about it properly since. So i'm just here to relate to other people and learn as much as I can about it and how to cope.

 

maybe it's the same for me.. hearing her promise me she wont do anything stupid made me cry. i don't know if i can handle depression, but i can't walk away knowing that that was one of the last things she said.

 

I just find it so confusing because when I was going through a tough time a while back I sort of depended on her for happiness at the time she'd keep me busy and take me out.. I guess it was like dragging an anchor round for her at the time but i'd just lost a couple of grandparents I was extremely close to.

that time in my life would have been a lot tougher without her cuddles and smiles.

 

well i hope one day when she's better she realizes you was good to her and comes back! i think your right. i have done a lot for myself this last month, but i'm struggling to cope at the moment.

Yeah, it's in waves, they used to be way less frequent, but during the end it was like '24 hourrs of happiness, 36 hours of sadness, 24 hours of happiness, etc.'.

 

I've never really depended on my girlfriend, I've always tried to be there for her. But in the end all you can is conclude that there is nothing you can do. My girlfriend told me a few times she wanted to kill herself, and that just hurts like hell to hear. And it hurts even more knowing you can't do anything about it, all you can do is be there for them and hope they get it together. But you can't know how long it will take, and in the end, is that really worth it?

 

I love love and romance, but sometimes you just have to choose yourself and then let people go to make everyone as happy as possible.

[TheWeeknd]

Wow and I thought I was the only one going through this. My ex girlfriend has been in a severely depressed state for about a year. Ever since she dropped out of school, and moved out she has been stressing everyday about her future situation in regards to education, career, and her debts. She eventually turned all that stress and blamed it all on me.

 

She said it was my fault that she dropped out of school because I did not push her, she said it was my fault she is having so much financial problems because I did not move in with her. (I still supported her financially. I paid for half the things in her apartment and even bought grocery for her every week.) Her depression somehow made her hate me for no reason. I had been nothing but the absolute best partner she has ever had. She even told me that any other girl would be lucky to have me.

 

But yeah, I now know that depression is extremely hard on relationships after having experienced it in my own relationship.