breaking up because of depression

[calgary]

has anybody had a partner suffering from depression? who ends things because they can't make themselves happy let alone try to make you happy.. they have low self esteem they feel ashamed and upset and they can't bear to feel any worse about themselves.

 

i heard they push the closest people to them away.. they just need space.

 

I'd like to learn a lot more about this. I really love this girl and it frightens me when i see her and she promises me she won't do anything stupid (she has self harmed before).. break ups are hard enough when youre partner walks away and shows off their new love interest and that they're so much happier without you...

 

but when it goes the other way and your partner is besides herself on the verge of tears and it's not your fault or any of your concern. it's absolutely devastating.

 

i saw her last night for 30 minutes she came to my friends place.. she tried to make me laugh.. she told me what she'd been upto and what she was planning on doing next week.. i walked her to her car and she told me she'd really like to meet up next week and if im still interested to give her a text but she made it clear shes not ready to jump into a relationship right now.

 

more than a relationship i would love to see her do well and smile without sad eyes. it makes me sad everytime i look at her and how upset she is.

 

i can not walk away from somebody in this state.. she doesn't want a relationship but i can tell she still needs me in her life. i sort of understand... i want a commitment from her that she won't see anybody else whilst i'm in her life. i think that's the only way i can help her..

 

i know it's easy to give up on a person like this and go no contact.. but im really more into repairing things than replacing them.

 

if anybody has any similar stories they'd like to post i'd really find comfort in being able to relate.

 

if anybody knows how i can help her or rebuild things that would be incredible..

[Mack05]

I hope this helps.

 

In the past I have pushed a girl away I loved because I was suffering from depression. I broke up with her a few times but she wanted to stay and try work it out. What happened next was nothing short of a train wreck. She decided the relationship was too much hard work and she left in a pretty cold and cruel way.

 

I took it terribly bad. It's fair to say I hit rock bottom. I wished she just let me go when I asked her. I have to state this and state this clearly. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THIS GIRL GO. I know how hard that is to hear but with the relationship dynamics the way that they are right now, it is impossible to work long term. Successful Relationships are about perfect timing and the timing here is wrong. You can fight and hope all you want it won't change things. There is so much more happening under the surface that you understand.

 

Depression is a very complex illness. I know you want to help, but the only person that can help her is her. She is right to comprehend that she shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I can tell you from experience there is no easy quick fix for depression. Its is something you have to monitor for the rest of your life, as people can slip back in and out of depression over a period of time.

 

Some people win their battle against depression. Others never seem to come truly out of it. I can tell you briefly the things that helped me..

 

1) Regular Exercise (crucial)..

2) Therapy (understanding and then confronting your demons)

3) Reading self books (The power of now I found very helpful). The big problem with people who suffer from depression is that their minds and their hearts are essentially closed. She needs to re-wire her thinking and this is an extraordinary difficult thing to do. Leaving go of the past and gaining acceptance of the mistakes of the past is hard to do, learning to love yourself again is even harder.

4) Meditation, spending time alone and dealing with the 'uncomfortable' feelings..

5) Change of scenery (Moved near a tropical beach which helped me hugely, was running to something not away from it)..

6) Finding something new she is passionate about.

 

If you love this girl like you say you do leave her go. if its meant to be she will come back and you will still be receptive. if you force her, if you both stay in this relationship it will become so toxic so quickly you have no idea. Following advice you don't want to hear is incredibly hard but I promise if you leave now you will save yourself so much pain and heartbreak down the line. Leave her go and hope she finds peace..

Edited February 7, 2013 by Mack05

[calgary]

I hope this helps.

 

In the past I have pushed a girl away I loved because I was suffering from depression. I broke up with her a few times but she wanted to stay and try work it out. What happened next was nothing short of a train wreck. She decided the relationship was too much hard work and she left in a pretty cold and cruel way.

 

I took it terribly bad. It's fair to say I hit rock bottom. I wished she just let me go when I asked her. I have to state this and state this clearly. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THIS GIRL GO. I know how hard that is to hear but with the relationship dynamics the way that they are right now, it is impossible to work long term. Successful Relationships are about perfect timing and the timing here is wrong. You can fight and hope all you want it won't change things. There is so much more happening under the surface that you understand.

 

Depression is a very complex illness. I know you want to help, but the only person that can help her is her. She is right to comprehend that she shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I can tell you from experience there is no easy quick fix for depression. Its is something you have to monitor for the rest of your life, as people can slip back in and out of depression over a period of time.

 

Some people win their battle against depression. Others never seem to come truly out of it. I can tell you briefly the things that helped me..

 

1) Regular Exercise (crucial)..

2) Therapy (understanding and then confronting your demons)

3) Reading self books (The power of now I found very helpful). The big problem with people who suffer from depression is that their minds and their hearts are essentially closed. She needs to re-wire her thinking and this is an extraordinary difficult thing to do. Leaving go of the past and gaining acceptance of the mistakes of the past is hard to do, learning to love yourself again is even harder.

4) Meditation, spending time alone and dealing with the 'uncomfortable' feelings..

5) Change of scenery (Moved near a tropical beach which helped me hugely, was running to something not away from it)..

6) Finding something new she is passionate about.

 

If you love this girl like you say you do leave her go. if its meant to be she will come back and you will still be receptive. if you force her, if you both stay in this relationship it will become so toxic so quickly you have no idea. Following advice you don't want to hear is incredibly hard but I promise if you leave now you will save yourself so much pain and heartbreak down the line. Leave her go and hope she finds peace..

thank you! it's extremely difficult to see a person you love so devastated by something you can't do anything about.

 

it is something i'll never comprehend.

 

she slips in and out of it every few years and her life goes downhill.

it's so upsetting for me that I can't just give her hugs.. she doesn't want me around.. I can't understand that about depression, when i'm sad I need people and depend on them . I become weak.

 

I thought losing an 18 month relationship would make things worse for her?

[gonefishin]

I too sadly can fully relate to this story but me been the

One suffering with depression .. It's a horrible illness and to say its complex

Is a understatement .. I pushed the girl away constantly and made her life a misery .. We broke up spectacularly full of dramatics with me nearly pushing her to suicide also...

She tried tried tried absolutely everything and couldn't have helped more and gave everything ( and I don't say that lightly) but it killed her she called it almost torture .

You gotta walk away she needs professional help and its sad but your love and everything else won't fix her . It took my ex to finally walk away and I hit proper rock bottom but I also seen I needed help. And got it!!

Do her and yourself a favour walk away .. It may not be the end of you guys for ever just for now...

Because you can be sure this relationship now would destroy any future you have..

Lastly and sorry for the long post .. When she left I felt poor me and how could she leave me ..she said she was here forever etc in time I realised too she had done everything ...

It's a horrible thing to watch someone you care for like this..

Stay strong and hope she gets better ..

It will break your heart leaving .. But it's probably your only chance of a future

I hope this makes some sense to you ... Good luck and take care..

[calgary]

I too sadly can fully relate to this story but me been the

One suffering with depression .. It's a horrible illness and to say its complex

Is a understatement .. I pushed the girl away constantly and made her life a misery .. We broke up spectacularly full of dramatics with me nearly pushing her to suicide also...

She tried tried tried absolutely everything and couldn't have helped more and gave everything ( and I don't say that lightly) but it killed her she called it almost torture .

You gotta walk away she needs professional help and its sad but your love and everything else won't fix her . It took my ex to finally walk away and I hit proper rock bottom but I also seen I needed help. And got it!!

Do her and yourself a favour walk away .. It may not be the end of you guys for ever just for now...

Because you can be sure this relationship now would destroy any future you have..

Lastly and sorry for the long post .. When she left I felt poor me and how could she leave me ..she said she was here forever etc in time I realised too she had done everything ...

It's a horrible thing to watch someone you care for like this..

Stay strong and hope she gets better ..

It will break your heart leaving .. But it's probably your only chance of a future

I hope this makes some sense to you ... Good luck and take care..

thank you and i'm so sorry to hear that ! it's really more than I can take on board. i'd like to say goodbye in person I think and i'm fully devastated. I really do wish I could stay and support her in anyway possible.

I've never known a person who suffers depression especially to the point of suicide and it really frightens me. she doesn't want to hurt me she did say that.. but by pushing me away i'm hurt.

[gonefishin]

Honestly it's horrible and I can see both sides ..

If she stuck around I'd use her as a crutch and carry both

Of us while making us both miserable ..

But walking away left me with no choice but to

Get the help and some times it takes rock bottom to do it

Councilling does and will help ... But no good her getting help about

You and the relationship .. These issues run far deeper they just surface

There ... But as the previous poster Said earlier you can battle depression

Your whole life but you get the help and you cope ....

 

No one will think you walked away. I know it feels like your the one been

Dumped .. It's bloody crazy but stay strong and work on yourself ..

And don't give up hope .... With the right help it might not even be that long a wait!!!!!

Stay positive ...

[gonefishin]

Lastly like .. Try bear in mind ...

She is sick .. She didn't create this illness and you can be sure she didn't

Ask for it.. Logic goes out the window her minds just not putting everything

Together as it should be .. But it's treatable and fixable ...

She's sick ... And she's still the person you love inside her too somewhere ..

What delayed my getting help and getting better sooner was purely I didn't believe I was bad .. I just thought i wasn't jumping with joy .

Clearly didn't see how bad I was.........

Hope this helps u maybe see it a little better ..

[carhill]

My best advice is:

 

Save yourself.

 

At the end of life you get no medals for 'saving' people nor tolerating unhealthy behaviors in the name of 'understanding' or 'sympathy' or 'empathy'. All you get is dead. Make the most of life. There are billions of people on this planet. Do you really think they care all that much about you? Save for a precious few, if you're very fortunate, you're a zero to the rest of the planet. I think that's not bad, rather real. Sometimes, most times, it's healthy to accept the real.

 

That's the lesson I gleaned from numerous decades of caring about and trying to understand, sympathize and empathize with this dynamic, whether that be family, romantic interests or friends.

 

Accept the real.

[calgary]

Lastly like .. Try bear in mind ...

She is sick .. She didn't create this illness and you can be sure she didn't

Ask for it.. Logic goes out the window her minds just not putting everything

Together as it should be .. But it's treatable and fixable ...

She's sick ... And she's still the person you love inside her too somewhere ..

What delayed my getting help and getting better sooner was purely I didn't believe I was bad .. I just thought i wasn't jumping with joy .

Clearly didn't see how bad I was.........

Hope this helps u maybe see it a little better ..

yeah thank you so much!

 

It's one of those things where I just want to motivate her and encourage her and praise her and give her a cuddle and a back rub. it's very very difficult. it's as if somebody clicked their fingers and she's a completely different person to what she was a month ago.

[gonefishin]

Would she consider councilling or therapy ?

[calgary]

Would she consider councilling or therapy ?

I haven't had the opportunity to ask her. we broke up and I went no contact for about 3 weeks. But I bumped into her in a club and she admitted to her depression whilst drunk so I've sort of come back into her life since that point a little. I saw her for a little bit last night and she promised me she wouldn't do anything stupid ( like I said she's self harmed before) i'm absolutely terrified. That's why I think I need to go meet her for a coffee next week to talk to her about everything. i'm just trying to learn as much as I can about depression.

 

Can I just ask you though about your depression ? Did you lose love for your girlfriend? how did you feel towards her ? what made you decide you wanted to end things ?

[Addison312]

My boyfriend broke up with me, the perfect girlfriend (ha), twice because of untreated depression and inability to deal with life's everyday stressors. He came back the first time (in November) which I allowed. This time I'm on day 11 of NC. I am resolved to not let him know I'm "here" for him because I want him to realize he needs treatment. He said he was unhappy and couldn't remember the last time he actually felt happiness, but I did nothing wrong. He just felt that all of his energy had to be spent on improving himself, and at the end of the day, he couldn't be fair to me/us. I know he is depressed, but he is in denial about needing counseling. I cannot help him and I no longer see it as my duty to even though I love him very much and wish things could be different. The man I met and grew to care for is not the shell of a man I last spoke with. It's heart breaking, but it is over. I am a very compassionate, empathetic person, and I love being a listener, but he withdrew and isolated (as I'm sure you've noticed in your research that is a telltale trait of those who suffer from depression), and left.

All I can tell you that is that is your ex for a reason, just like any other breakup. It's her responsibility, not yours, to make necessary changes. She will only drag you down at this point and you will crash and burn eventually. Im sure she has other roads of support besides an ex. Take care of yourself.

[Addison312]

Just need to mention that after my first BU, I researched online about how to help my ex. You can read Storied Mind depression articles as well as check out depressionfallout.com. You will find many stories about how depression comes in between relationships and poisons them.

[gonefishin]

Have to say i actually checked the last persons name as the story she told was identical to a tee to what happened..

Scary actually!!

U asked me did I still love her at the time i remember telling a friend

I couldn't stand her and i think I used the word hate too.

I probably knew deep down I loved her but couldn't see clearly..

[calgary]

My boyfriend broke up with me, the perfect girlfriend (ha), twice because of untreated depression and inability to deal with life's everyday stressors. He came back the first time (in November) which I allowed. This time I'm on day 11 of NC. I am resolved to not let him know I'm "here" for him because I want him to realize he needs treatment. He said he was unhappy and couldn't remember the last time he actually felt happiness, but I did nothing wrong. He just felt that all of his energy had to be spent on improving himself, and at the end of the day, he couldn't be fair to me/us. I know he is depressed, but he is in denial about needing counseling. I cannot help him and I no longer see it as my duty to even though I love him very much and wish things could be different. The man I met and grew to care for is not the shell of a man I last spoke with. It's heart breaking, but it is over. I am a very compassionate, empathetic person, and I love being a listener, but he withdrew and isolated (as I'm sure you've noticed in your research that is a telltale trait of those who suffer from depression), and left.

All I can tell you that is that is your ex for a reason, just like any other breakup. It's her responsibility, not yours, to make necessary changes. She will only drag you down at this point and you will crash and burn eventually. Im sure she has other roads of support besides an ex. Take care of yourself.

wow you're completely right about the walking shell part.. it's surreal.. this time last month we were drinking wine and playing video games.. this month she's been extremely quiet with friends and family, pushed me away. stressed out with work.

 

I'm the same, I feel like I want to help her but she'll just resent me. this website is really good that you sent me it's comforting.

 

in reply to your post on my other thread.. I feel like you're right, i'm holding onto false hope and it's bad for me. we haven't really had the opportunity to talk about how she feels so i'll sit with her (maybe for one last time) and try and see if I understand it I need to have a cut off point and good bye in my love story with a depressing ending !

 

when he came back to you in November .. how long had you been apart ? did you go no contact at that point too ?

 

I feel so sorry for you it's one of the most difficult things knowing your partner doesn't want to be with you.. is depressed and there's nothing you can do to cheer them up... which in turn makes me feel depressed.

 

is going out to bars/clubs common behaviour for somebody with depression? maybe forcing themselves out of the house in hopes of keeping busy? I've noticed she's been doing that a lot lately and it's uncommon for her. it's weird like I said but even in photos I can spot when she's smiling she's got the saddest look in her eyes.

 

I feel helpless but she insists on telling me her feelings, so I know what you're saying.. maybe it's best to get her to get professional help!

[czen]

I've had the same thing. I had a LDR girlfriend who has been battling a depression for over 10+years now. I didn't know of it at first, it was all great the first few months. But then the troubles began, and they just kept on getting worse.

 

After a while I started to resent her because she was making me unhappy with her controling behaviour and my seemingly complete failure at making the woman I loved happy. One of the most painful feelings there is is to feel like you can't make someone happy, someone you care so much about.

 

My girlfriend was in therapy, but it was irregular because of her frequent traveling. So maybe that's why it didn't seem to work, I don't know.

 

I tried my best to improve things with her, every time she broke up with me I convinced her to get back together, because I just couldn't walk away from her. I needed to help her. And whenever she had a good period I always got some new (false) hope that this time she might stay the woman I fell in ove with all that time ago.

 

At some point she did some things that just broke things beyond repair. I kinda gave up. My heart wasn't in there anymore, and even if the mere thought of breaking up with her made me feel miserable, nauseous and caused me to cry, I knew it was the best for us. Only she can make herself happy, and me being there was proving more of a hindrance than a help. And I was getting more and more miserable too in the relationship.

 

A part of me thinks that one day she might get her act together and that we might try it again. But that's something only time wil tell.

I still love her, but sometimes love alone just isn't enough and you need to choose yourself over 'us' to make yourself and the person you love the happiest.

[meeji]

My ex in in therapy now as a result of our break up. Not for depression but he has commitment issues. Often times I think the same things that you have been about him getting his act together and us working things out.

 

I hate that I still have that inkling of hope that something is going to change. i am no contact now, going on day 7. I think maybe you should also go no contact.

 

Our situation was also Long distance and in some ways, the distance is a godsend. Use it to your advantage and do what you can to get on with your life. People who are trouble and broken tend to damage those around them. She needs to deal with her issues before she can even attempt to be a part of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, we both got caught up in the **** storm.

 

Look to the sky. The sun is shining in your neighborhood. Go out and play!

[calgary]

I've had the same thing. I had a LDR girlfriend who has been battling a depression for over 10+years now. I didn't know of it at first, it was all great the first few months. But then the troubles began, and they just kept on getting worse.

 

After a while I started to resent her because she was making me unhappy with her controling behaviour and my seemingly complete failure at making the woman I loved happy. One of the most painful feelings there is is to feel like you can't make someone happy, someone you care so much about.

 

My girlfriend was in therapy, but it was irregular because of her frequent traveling. So maybe that's why it didn't seem to work, I don't know.

 

I tried my best to improve things with her, every time she broke up with me I convinced her to get back together, because I just couldn't walk away from her. I needed to help her. And whenever she had a good period I always got some new (false) hope that this time she might stay the woman I fell in ove with all that time ago.

 

At some point she did some things that just broke things beyond repair. I kinda gave up. My heart wasn't in there anymore, and even if the mere thought of breaking up with her made me feel miserable, nauseous and caused me to cry, I knew it was the best for us. Only she can make herself happy, and me being there was proving more of a hindrance than a help. And I was getting more and more miserable too in the relationship.

 

A part of me thinks that one day she might get her act together and that we might try it again. But that's something only time wil tell.

I still love her, but sometimes love alone just isn't enough and you need to choose yourself over 'us' to make yourself and the person you love the happiest.

it's such a complicated confusing thing to go through!

so the depression sort of hit your girlfriend in waves?

I feel like that happened to my ex.. she went off the rails a couple of years ago.. pulled herself back together 9 months before she met me we got together everythings amazing.. she starts pulling away and feeling sorry for herself.. I get upset and annoyed because she's not close to me anymore or wanting to spend time with me, I start getting jealous of other people.. she doesn't tell me until a few weeks after no contact she's going through depression and we haven't really had chance to talk about it properly since. So i'm just here to relate to other people and learn as much as I can about it and how to cope.

 

maybe it's the same for me.. hearing her promise me she wont do anything stupid made me cry. i don't know if i can handle depression, but i can't walk away knowing that that was one of the last things she said.

 

I just find it so confusing because when I was going through a tough time a while back I sort of depended on her for happiness at the time she'd keep me busy and take me out.. I guess it was like dragging an anchor round for her at the time but i'd just lost a couple of grandparents I was extremely close to.

that time in my life would have been a lot tougher without her cuddles and smiles.

 

well i hope one day when she's better she realizes you was good to her and comes back! i think your right. i have done a lot for myself this last month, but i'm struggling to cope at the moment.

[drpepper1886]

I'm going through the same thing, the girl I was dating for nearly 3 years is very depressed and in denial about it. She pushed me away and I tried my best to help her through it but ultimately she ended it because she didn't think it was fair to me or of her to ask anything more of me.

 

It's been a little over 4 months and I'm feeling pretty good about my life, we've only been in contact once via email since then and she still seems to be exactly where she was when we broke up. It saddens me to not be able to be there for her but this is one of those things that the person suffering has to discover on their own. The more you try to help, the more they resist getting themselves help.

 

I do still hope one day she becomes the person she used to be before her depression or an even better person and can look back and remember me fondly and maybe look me back up. But I'm treating this like any other breakup and moving on.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[TheGuard13]

Both myself and my ex wife dealt with depression, and I myself have had to deal with for almost 20 years, so I've seen both sides of this experience. I'm starting to suspect my girlfriend may be depressed as well. She falls asleep easily, gets frustrated easily, and has issues dealing with basic stress. Our sex life is pretty much dead, and has been for several months.

 

I'm not sure how to approach her about it, but we're reaching the point where our relationship is unsatisfying enough that I'm getting ready to break up with her. I guess I might ask her to go to counseling. I hate that there's an illness like this in the world that causes so much pain and disappointment for people.

[calgary]

I'm going through the same thing, the girl I was dating for nearly 3 years is very depressed and in denial about it. She pushed me away and I tried my best to help her through it but ultimately she ended it because she didn't think it was fair to me or of her to ask anything more of me.

 

It's been a little over 4 months and I'm feeling pretty good about my life, we've only been in contact once via email since then and she still seems to be exactly where she was when we broke up. It saddens me to not be able to be there for her but this is one of those things that the person suffering has to discover on their own. The more you try to help, the more they resist getting themselves help.

 

I do still hope one day she becomes the person she used to be before her depression or an even better person and can look back and remember me fondly and maybe look me back up. But I'm treating this like any other breakup and moving on.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

good man. you are doing the right thing and i should do the same thing.. i suppose the way i should look at this is, she's already got me down by breaking up because of it.. i'm suffering and whilst i'm locking myself away not talking to people.. the people that care about me are trying to keep me busy and all i want to do is be on my own.. so my friends and family are probably feeling for me the way i feel for my ex right now. It seems to really upset my mother when she visits and who knows if it's having an effect on her the way my ex is on me.. but then i know my mother would never give up trying on me as much as i reject her help and encouragement.

it's weird when you step back and look at a situation.

 

thank you for sharing and i'm sorry you went through the same pain as i'm going through. who knows if she's even honest with me though.. i think itd be pretty pathetic of her to make up something like this.. but i was willing to walk away for good because i didn't want to be friends and now i know she's depressed i keep checking up on her.

 

she's a walking shell.. the girl i love isn't in that body right now. it's so weird to think of it that way!

[williamshakespeare]

Calgary,

Although the responses that you're getting are correct, they are not what you want to hear. I understand your situation completely as I've been there.

 

You come across as a neat guy and I reckon you were a great b/f to her - know this is not your fault.

 

The bottomline is that it sounds like you just don't have the emotional capacity to break away at this point. Not that your weak or anything - its just too hard.

 

Maybe there's a way, you can ease your way out of this situation rather than go cold turkey? If you can accept that things are not going to work at this point and develop a plan to get out of it, that would be a step in the right direction. Often there's a sense of inner peace that comes with 'acceptance'.

 

If you don't 'accept' then I fear an even bigger hurt for you in the future.

[calgary]

Both myself and my ex wife dealt with depression, and I myself have had to deal with for almost 20 years, so I've seen both sides of this experience. I'm starting to suspect my girlfriend may be depressed as well. She falls asleep easily, gets frustrated easily, and has issues dealing with basic stress. Our sex life is pretty much dead, and has been for several months.

 

I'm not sure how to approach her about it, but we're reaching the point where our relationship is unsatisfying enough that I'm getting ready to break up with her. I guess I might ask her to go to counseling. I hate that there's an illness like this in the world that causes so much pain and disappointment for people.

honestly you're describing my ex! it's unreal that so many people can relate and have gone through this! i thought she just generally wasn't interested in me anymore.. the sex stopped.. she'd fall asleep all the time.. struggled to get her out of bed for work, she'd get really upset about things i could deal with on her behalf in no time at all. it's like now after going no contact she tells me she's depressed and she's suffered from it before ( and i didn't know a thing about depression).. i feel like a terrible person for the way i behaved .. although i still have wants and needs that i should expect from a relationship. i still feel like i should have respected this illness. Now that i know about it i feel so differently.

[williamshakespeare]

The following thoughts also occurred to me as I read your piece:

 

Do you know the expression 'No good deed goes unpunished'? If you try to be the nice, supporting guy, it could well come back and bite you in the as*

 

You can't fix her! - but you know that already - right?

 

And lastly a friend of mine met a girl like yours, thought that he had overcome her issues and guess what happened?.................

 

He ended up marrying her...they had a kid and then .................she had a major episode...couldn't deal with it....ran off with a local drug dealer....sold all her jewellery so the 2 of them would have cash to live off........what a disaster.....my friend is now going throught the messiest divorce I've ever heard of.....with cops, false allegations, arrests, everything involved.

 

Do yourself a favor and get out in the not too distant future.

Edited February 8, 2013 by williamshakespeare
extra wording

[calgary]

The following thoughts also occurred to me as I read your piece:

 

Do you know the expression 'No good deed goes unpunished'? If you try to be the nice, supporting guy, it could well come back and bite you in the as*

 

You can't fix her! - but you know that already - right?

 

And lastly a friend of mine met a girl like yours, thought that he had overcome her issues and guess what happened?.................

 

He ended up marrying her...they had a kid and then .................she had a major episode...couldn't deal with it....ran off with a local drug dealer....sold all her jewellery so the 2 of them would have cash to live off........what a disaster.....my friend is now going throught the messiest divorce I've ever heard of.....with cops, false allegations, arrests, everything involved.

 

Do yourself a favor and get out in the not too distant future.

thank you!

 

you're completely right.. i lost my grandad a while back.. he was married to a woman with manic depression episodes where she would just disappear for 2 weeks and come back.. he'd be besides himself and not be able to get hold of her, but by the time she came home, he was so grateful to have her back he put it all behind him. she'd just go crazy.. take his cash and buy things she didn't need to make her feel better.

 

I can't help but feel that i have the same personality as him.. that i'm attracted to people with the same traits as her.. my last serious relationship was with a girl who had also self harmed and gotten into drugs, she was my first love and i wonder if maybe you idolize the next girl to be like the previous one (subconsciously) ? or like i said maybe i have the same traits as my grandad.

 

who knows.. i do like the saying 'no good deed goes unpunished'

 

it makes sense.. it's like now i'm in this heartbroken state i'm not interested in any other girl right now.. but everytime i go out for drinks with friends the girls offer to buy me drinks or get to know me.. probably because i'm not giving them attention like the other guys.. but i know as soon as i feel better and ready to date none of these girls will be interested in me anymore haha i got asked if i want to go for lunch with a girl on valentines day but i just think it seems so surreal sitting at a table with a girl who isn't my ex.. maybe it will do me the world of good.. maybe i'd just hurt her and i don't want to do that since she has been kind enough and courageous enough to ask me.

 

cheers for replying though and reading my threads. i'm honestly a mess and i just can't accept that the last thing my ex said to me before getting in her car the other night was ' i promise you i won't do anything stupid' it's haunted me ever since it makes me feel sick that it's come to that.. that she has to say that to me. i just feel like i want to give her a massive hug and tell her everything will be okay... but she doesn't want me to and it won't be okay. its so messed up!

 

reading peoples replies on this website really helps! a lot of the time i go out just for the sake of keeping busy when really it doesn't help me at all. it just makes people get sick of me i try to keep to myself to keep others from disliking me until i can pull myself together to go back out there as my cheery self and I've given them enough time to miss me!