linzartrax Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) Hello! Please try to keep your judgments of open relationships at a minimum. I know not everyone agrees or understands them.... I was with a man (whom I still love and always will - I care deeply for him) for 2.5 years. We broke up 2 times during that period - a few months each time to see other people, live our lives and make some tough decisions on our own. We broke up (for good?) about 8 months ago. One reason we broke up is because he hasn't experienced a lot of women sexually, where I have been with several men. I want him to explore his sexuality and become more comfortable with his sexual side (it's great, in my opinion - he just wants to sleep with more women, I think that's understandable). I also was in no mental place to be having a serious, committed relationship with moving in together on the horizon. We're both fiercely independent. It was tough for us, not because he wanted to see other people or because we weren't going to live together, but because he was/is my best friend (dare I say "soulmate"?) in this city and I missed talking to him everyday; we tried to hang out/be friends because we share a special connection and truly do understand one another. It became hard and we've been going back and forth with communicating and not communicating over the past 8 months. I have been seeing other people, dating around, some good, some bad. He, too, has been going on dates, etc. He used to ask about my dates, but since has seemed to not want to hear or is uninterested. I ask how his dates go, if I know about them. Long story, short, before Christmas I called him and asked if he had ever thought of an open relationship - one where we remain friends, have sex if both parties are willing and also share the same love and care that we've had in place for a while. The added benefit is being able to sleep with and date other people. I am only going to be in this city for one more year, so it's become harder for me to justify starting something serious with some one. He told me that we do not have a future as lovers together, so that hurt a bit. I got over it and continued to date and see other men. Fast forward about one month. We find ourselves drinking wine at a friend's house and we both initiated sex. It was great! He agreed it was wonderful. It was fun and felt right. Two days later we wanted to talk about that night. He insisted that I come over to his home. I told him I wasn't going to make a big deal of it if he didn't want to. Again, I brought up the idea of an open relationship and he said he's not emotionally mature enough for that - and he was apprehensive about telling dates that he was in that sort of situation with his ex. I completely understood, did not push it. But we did kiss when I left? So, I'm feeling again that he is sending mixed messages. He called me yesterday and wanted to go get dinner, so we did. Small talk, I didn't bring up our relationship. He also has a tendency to call me or contact me when he wakes up (usually in the afternoon as he works 3rd shift). Just wondering where I should go from here....should I bring it up again, distance myself, or go with the flow and stop over-analyzing? Edited February 7, 2013 by linzartrax
jnd2009 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Sounds like he wants to keep you on the backburner when he's not with anyone, he can hook up with you, knowing you're a no strings attached hookup. I was going to say go for it and hook up all you want with him, but the way he acts with you seems not worth it- he pushed you aside too much.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Yep, he knows he can have sex with you whenever he wants. That's pretty much all that's going on.
pteromom Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I have no issues with open relationships. But in YOUR case, you are still in love with your ex, and are using this as a way to stay as close to him as possible, which is not healthy for you. If he says "yes" to this arrangement, you are giving him all the power. You are the one with feelings, so how will you feel the first time he goes on a date with someone else on a night you were supposed to get together with him? He will be able to manipulate your feelings, leave you confused of his intentions (like he's doing now), and basically keep you going back and forth between happiness (when you have a good night together) and pain/confusion. If you had no feelings and just wanted to keep seeing him for sex, I would say go for it. But since you have strong feelings, I would walk away and make a clean break. It will hurt, but you'll be much better off in the long run.
Recommended Posts