HurtingHeart1 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Hello, I have been married for ~8 years, with 2 boys, 3 and 5. My wife has had 2 emational affairs within the past 3 years, I caught them both before thet got physical. After this last one, I wanted out, I was done with her. But I have started reading a lot by Calle Zorro, and see where I was doing wrong. But it has been almost 3 weeks since I dicovered the last affair, and she is sleeping in the other room, says she just needs time. She is going to therapy, but only once so far, but has another appointment next week. I know she sees me as weak, if I help around the house I am weak, if I do nothing, I am lazy. If I try to talk to her too much, I am being pushy. I am lost, I understand why she does not want me, I just need a way to get back in her heart and mind again. I am hurting, so it is hard for me to not go over the top and push her away forever. I know I have to be confident and earn her respect, I just do not know how right now.
Balzac Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Am I reading you correctly? You're accepting responsibility for her actions?
Author HurtingHeart1 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Well I see that my actions drove he to this. I knew that no woman did not want to have orgasms for 3 years, and I would ask what I could do to help her enjoy sex, but she would say she just did not like it. But that is all she talks about in these affairs. She just does not want sex with me. I know now, it is because she does not respect me, and see me like that. I have learned a lot from Calle Zorro.
Balzac Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Increasing your knowledge and striving to become the best man you can be is admirable. Her unwilling to discuss sexual dissatisfaction with you- that's on her. I'm not familiar with the writings you refer to but feel certain that other LS folks are. They'll chime in. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Well I see that my actions drove he to this. What a giant stinkin' load of BS. Your actions may have created a distance between the two of you but they didn't cause her to cheat - TWICE!!! Separated by the same distance, were you unfaithful? What about her joint responsibility to address the problems in your marriage? Cheating isn't a reaction, it's a moral and ethical decision. Lots of people have financial problems, not too many decide to rob banks... Mr. Lucky 5
Author HurtingHeart1 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 No, I have never cheated on her. I am really never around ladies, my job is an all male field, I do not have Facebook or anything like that. I want to make this work, for me, for my wife, and for my boys. I just do not have the answers, I try to get her to talk and open up, but she will not. She is not cold, just short answers. I do not know what is in her head, because I am so confused right now. I would feel better if she would talk, and give me a ray of hope, but I just keep trying, but my will is getting weaker everyday that I do not see things improving.
GoodupsEvil Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. From what I have taken from your posts so far, you seem a sensitive and caring individual. Take heart that kindness is not weakness, and know that if your wife can't be made to see that, then there is something intrinsically wrong with her, not you. That being said, you seem to also lack confidence in your masculinity. I don't know you, and have read less than 500 words you have written, and am only offering my opinion to help. If it resonates at all, then approach this issue immediately and with gusto. 2
artchick88 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 that's sad. but, if you have not been able to please her sexually for 3 years... that is a big problem for any romance. Did you somehow change? Gain 50 lbs, stop exercising, being romantic, taking her out, doing random acts of romance? if so....hmmm.... At this point, I would take a separation. You should find a way to be apart. Someone needs to stay with a friend or relatives of a few weeks or so. Clear your head and revisit it. It may be past saving or couples therapy might work
eleanorrigby Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You really need to let the hammer fall on her and completely lose your sh*t and have a come to Jesus moment over this cheating. She's losing even more respect every time you let her get away with this crap. It's just going to get worse until you both hit rock bottom, but that can take years while she keeps inching closer to a physical affair, then finally does it. That's probably the point when you will bottom out. So, instead of waiting for that, pretend that it's already happened. Imagine her with one of these guys she's been talking to, doing nasty things she won't do with you, and loving it. Think about that tlll your stomach is tied in knots and you are freaking pissed off and then DO something! Serial cheaters will steal your soul until you put a stop to it. 1
Ladybugz Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 maybe there is to little communication?? both need to sit and talk and start at the beginning again. start getting to know each other back. and your wife need to come clean about why she feels the need to cheat and take responsibility for it and get help/
Author HurtingHeart1 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 that's sad. but, if you have not been able to please her sexually for 3 years... that is a big problem for any romance. Did you somehow change? Gain 50 lbs, stop exercising, being romantic, taking her out, doing random acts of romance? if so....hmmm.... At this point, I would take a separation. You should find a way to be apart. Someone needs to stay with a friend or relatives of a few weeks or so. Clear your head and revisit it. It may be past saving or couples therapy might work No, I have lost weight, I am 75 lbs lighter than when we got married. I also work out now. It is not that I can not please her, she would not allow me to please her.
Negative Nancy Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Your actions may have created a distance between the two of you but they didn't cause her to cheat - TWICE!!! Separated by the same distance, were you unfaithful? What about her joint responsibility to address the problems in your marriage? Cheating isn't a reaction, it's a moral and ethical decision. Lots of people have financial problems, not too many decide to rob banks.. Best post ever. Love your analogies. There's just no justification for cheating... 2
Madman81 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You really need to let the hammer fall on her and completely lose your sh*t and have a come to Jesus moment over this cheating. She's losing even more respect every time you let her get away with this crap. It's just going to get worse until you both hit rock bottom, but that can take years while she keeps inching closer to a physical affair, then finally does it. That's probably the point when you will bottom out. So, instead of waiting for that, pretend that it's already happened. Imagine her with one of these guys she's been talking to, doing nasty things she won't do with you, and loving it. Think about that tlll your stomach is tied in knots and you are freaking pissed off and then DO something! Serial cheaters will steal your soul until you put a stop to it. ^^ This. I think you need to "lower the boom", verbally at least. That means telling her (confidently, forcefully, without yelling or being abusive), straight up, that this waiting-around thing isn't working for you, and that if she's actually interested in saving the marriage, the two of you need to start going to counselling, together, IMMEDIATELY. And tell her that if she won't do that, you're going to conclude that she's not really interested in fixing things, and start making preparations to end the marriage. And then, START TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON YOUR WORDS. Start getting your affairs in order, and protecting your assets, in case things go sour. And speak to a lawyer. Don't worry about keeping that a secret -- she needs to know that you're serious. She thinks you're being pushy if you try talking to her about this? She hasn't even SEEN pushy yet. Show her what pushy looks like. No offence man, but I get the strong vibe that you've been a doormat for far too long. You've put up with her nearly cheating twice (and sorry to say, but there's probably more to this than you know about). Show her a new you -- confident, determined, not putting up with her shyt any longer, not dependent on her, willing to make your own way in the world with or without her. Remember the old saying, that the defnition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Your old mode of functioning has failed completely. Time to switch gears. Good luck, and stay strong. Let us know what happens. 3
Author HurtingHeart1 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Things really are not better, but I have to know everything is done, for my kids. I can not just give up on all of the good times, for a few bumps in the road. I have to be 100% sure that there is nothing left to save. She has started therapy, but still is pissed if I want to talk about things, I gave her 2 weeks, and that will be our 3 year olds birthday, so her family is coming in town, I told her they can bring a trailer and help her move out, if she has not come to me, and willing to talk. That will have been a month since I found out, I hate living like this. 1
Darth Vader Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 (edited) You really need to let the hammer fall on her and completely lose your sh*t and have a come to Jesus moment over this cheating. She's losing even more respect every time you let her get away with this crap. It's just going to get worse until you both hit rock bottom, but that can take years while she keeps inching closer to a physical affair, then finally does it. That's probably the point when you will bottom out. So, instead of waiting for that, pretend that it's already happened. Imagine her with one of these guys she's been talking to, doing nasty things she won't do with you, and loving it. Think about that tlll your stomach is tied in knots and you are freaking pissed off and then DO something! Serial cheaters will steal your soul until you put a stop to it. Personally, I don't think he needs to pretend she slept with other men, I think she already has! If she's gone cold like this now, not having sex with you, chances are, she's already riding other men! Do you want her to respect you? DROP HER ASS NOW! That's the way a MAN solves the problem! Remove the cancer from your life! BTW, contact a good Lawyer now to find out about your rights, because you're going to need it! Also, if this has been going on for any length of time you may want to consider getting paternity testing done to see if your children are really yours! Edited February 10, 2013 by Darth Vader 2
Finalinaa Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Hey hurtingeart, I'm new here so I don't know how I can contact you but would like to chat because I feel like we have kinda the same problems. Let me know if u want too
Author HurtingHeart1 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Hey hurtingeart, I'm new here so I don't know how I can contact you but would like to chat because I feel like we have kinda the same problems. Let me know if u want too Sure, no problem. But I do not know how to message on this forum.
Kaza Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 When I was in my first relationship, it went on for five years and somewhere I lost respect for him, and so I ended it. I think in some ways, he was putting up with my bad behavior. I think it would have been better for me, if he had his whole life together and didn't make me the center of his life, put all his problems on me. So maybe you should go out, see some friends, have fun at hobbies, take time away.
Darren Steez Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 No, I have lost weight, I am 75 lbs lighter than when we got married. I also work out now. It is not that I can not please her, she would not allow me to please her. That and she's gone to possibly find sex outside the marriage and she doesn't respect you and thinks you're weak. And still you think it's your fault. Man up dammit! 1
Radu Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 If you won't start acting the proper way pretty soon, you will end up losing more than your wife. 2 affairs in 3yrs is not 'bumps in the road' but more akin to 'carpet bombing an orphenage of deaf and blind kids'. Go and talk to a lawyer, check what rights you have and end this charade of a marriage. If she decides to pull the reconcilliation wagon, you can always stop the D or get remarried later. You are raising 2 boys, do you want this to be an example of what they have to put up with as future men ? In your place this is what i would do: stop engaging her, stop trying, prepare for a custody battle without her knowing, prepare to file for D without her knowing [the one to file first can somewhat control the process], get rock solid proof of the affairs and see if you can go after the OM for alienation of affection or if you can file for D under adultery. I would not listen to her words, i would pay attention to her actions. 1
LoveMyWifey Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 For whatever reasons she is 1: No attracted to you emotionally and sexually 2: Emotionally and sexually attracted to somebody else and wants to have sex with them. and 3: Is addicted to the high that comes with this attraction to the other person. My wife had an emotional affair and I have come within a fraction of a hair to divorcing her a few times. We do not deserve this mate, you have my deepest sympathies as I understand your heartache. I personally struggle with women seeminly thinking that they can't communicate with us in a way that we understand as to give us the time we need to turn the marriage around. By the time we figure it out it is too late. You can't break attraction, its addictive. I am sure if she spoke openly about it she would say that she had told you many times that she wasn't happy but being a guy who is experiencing alot of what you are. We just communicate differently to women and just don't "get it" early enough to prevent these issues from arising. I apologise if my reply sounds too general as I understand everybody is different and you can't pigeon hole ever woman. I hope this helps.
Author HurtingHeart1 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 You are right, but this time is differant, she keeps telling me she needs time. Well, F*** THAT, I am done. It will hurt, but I am divorcing her as soon as I can. I already have a lawyer, I do not want it to get ugly, because I love her, but I am ready when it does. Nobody can say I did not try, very hard, but this is the only way I can stop the bleeding. Not sure I will ever trust a girl again.
LoveMyWifey Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I think what she really means by "time" is time to be with the other man without risking divorce with you. All the best with whatever you choose to do. *EDIT* I wonder if your sex life with her will pick up once you file for divorce. She may try to stall you.
Author HurtingHeart1 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Yeah right, I highly doubt it. No sex since 1-21-13, and it was not good at all. I also will tell you to take your own advice in your last post. You better watch her very close, once a cheater, always a cheater.
LoveMyWifey Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Yes I understand. I personally have to trust her again because I can't go on being suspicious.
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