Need to get this off my chest

[didntdeservethis]

I started dating this girl almost a year ago. She came into my life during a time where I was going through a break up and my grandmother had just passed away so it was really rough times for me back then. We hung out as friend but it quickly turned into something more romantic. At the time I was vulnerable and had major trust issues from previous relationship due to cheating. She made everything feel better. But I had my doubts about her because she would act shady, phone always on silent and she would put the screen facing down. She also had a lot of party pics on her facebook. I told her I didn't like all these behaviors because it reminded me of shady things my ex did. She assured me the pics on facebook were 2 years old and she was over her party days. She also said the phone thing was a habit due to work. She started making an effort to not do it anymore. There were times I would question her and feel she was lying but she was soooo good at quickly coming up with answers and make sense of the situation and later in the relationship putting blame on my trust issues. That she had been nothing but great to me (she had) and she had to put up with issues that my ex gave me. I felt bad questioning her and I would lay off and not push it. Some things really picked at me and I couldn't brush it off but I decided to not confront her. I really liked this girl and even though at first I was worried that she might be a rebound and I'll lose my feelings for her, I didn't. I grew more fond of her, and even imagined a future with her. We lived together for the last 6 months (not officially, but she stayed over 6-7 days/week). I trusted her when she went to visit her family or was out with friends. I actually started feeling like I could really trust this girl. Fast forward to last week and I see a picture of her at a party she had said she didn't go to. I confronted her on instant message and she denied it. I even told her "You don't think I know what my girlfriend looks like? I sleep next to you every night." and she blatantly said "Obviously you DONT." She broke it off with me over chat and blocked me on facebook/instant message etc. I was upset so I didn't bother her. That same night she was going to a bar because it was her birthday weekend and I felt bad I brought this up on her birthday weekend so I went to the bar to apologize. She came outside, started crying, saying she can't put up with my issues anymore. Then she went back inside and wouldn't talk to me. She ended up getting too drunk and passing out. Her friends put her in my car to take her home. When we got home, she passed out on the bed. Her phone was locked out due to some android issue. I restarted it and looked at her text messages and she was having a conversation with someone who called her "babe". She said she was going to come over later that night. I thought maybe someone at the bar used her phone so I called the number. The guy didn't know about me either, and confirmed everything. They had been sleeping together for a year now. She had taken him to concerts (that I didn't want to go to) and even met her family (I hadn't). I know I neglected her in ways, I didn't put the effort to go to things she enjoyed like concerts or even meet her family. BUT, this wasn't cheating that had recently started. This had been going on from the beginning. That night I told her to grab her stuff and leave. I had a meltdown the next day. Apparently she was fine, she partied all weekend, acting like a total slut and didn't show any sign of remorse or sadness. This really tore me up inside. That I spent a year with this person, that I cared for so much and envisioned a future with and she didn't even care. I haven't spoken to her since I threw her out but I told her friends that she had cheated on me. Apparently she denied it and made up stuff about me being crazy and beating her. She is also in a process of getting a restraining order even though I haven't contacted her since I threw her out a week ago.

 

Now I know I can never trust her or take her back. But I just don't understand why I still wake up in the mornings so upset, sometimes shaking, crying. I know what I had with her was an illusion, and i MISS that illusion sooooo much. When she came into my life I wasn't doing good, I was hurting, and I felt I couldn't trust anyone. She made me feel safe, she gave me my trust back, and I felt she was healing me. Only to find out instead of keeping me safe, she was hurting me. Now I feel used, betrayed, hurt and worthless. And my trust? Non existent at this point.

 

The only contact she made, was calling my mom to come pick up some stuff she forgot to grab that night. It's like.. really? I'm not even worth an apology or even a confession. She had denied the cheating til the very moment she stepped out of my house. No guilt, no upset, she kept repeating to me "Just do what you want" when I kept asking her if she had done it, if she even cared etc.

 

What kind of evil monster was I dealing with? Together we were so good, and had so much fun. I felt as long as I was with her, I was at peace. I'm not sure if I'll ever find that sort of peace again. Sometimes I even try to blame myself for causing this by neglecting her somewhat in the end but that doesn't make any sense because it was something that was going on from the beginning of the relationship, even the best times when we were soooo happy.

[didntdeservethis]

Forgot to add that I'm 26 and she is 24. My previous relationship was 3 years long.

 

And something I didn't really notice til it ended, she never put up pictures of us on her facebook or instagram. I asked her once why she had her relationship status set to single on facebook and she said she didn't want strangers knowing her business. That all our friends and family knew and that is what mattered. It made sense at the time. Now I don't even know why I was so blind.

[didntdeservethis]

I know that she is a truly crappy person now. But I just wish that she hadn't done all this so I would have a chance to fix this. I'm all about fixing something that's broken, not about replacing people. I'm utterly disgusted that she would do this to me and not care the next second while I sit here and suffer.

 

I'm so heartbroken that I can't do anything about it. She left me with no options. The same person that constantly asked me what she would do without me.

 

The reason I broke down today and posted this was because I had a dream about her last night that I was asking her why she did it and she would just stare at me with a cold stare and not say a word. I kept repeating the question over and over and she just stared at me. I woke up in utter terror, I felt violated by a person I allowed to get into my heart. I know there are plenty of good girls out there but with my luck of getting burned twice in a row, I just don't know if I'll ever be able to let anyone else into my heart.

 

When we started going out, a lot of people judged me because I was considered a good looking guy while she was on the heavier side. People would question me like WTF ARE YOU DOING WITH HER? SHE IS A WHALE! but I motivated her and had her back throughout her whole weight loss process, she lost 40lbs in a matter of 2 months. I was so proud of her. I always defended her when people asked, I told them I'm not shallow, I care about her personality and that she has my back. It never mattered to me that she was overweight. And when she would cry about it, I was there to hold her and wipe her tears. I was completely honest with her and never put my loyalty in harms way. My previous ex would contact me constantly, even 6 months into the relationship, she even showed up at my house and I always ignored her for this girl. I would have girls flirt with me and I would instantly hint them that I'm taken. Now I feel so stupid for doing all of this. So stupid for believing.

 

I haven't been able to concentrate at work the past week and I feel I will eventually get fired and I can't let her take that away from me too. Its bad enough that she is filing a false restraining order but I just don't know what to do.

[Mack05]

She came into my life during a time where I was going through a break up and my grandmother had just passed away so it was really rough times for me back then..

 

This is a great life lesson and its a hard lesson many of us have had to learn as well. When you are not happy in yourself or in your life in general you attract the wrong kind of person. If you learn one thing from all this, is that you need to get yourself into a happy, positive place before even considering embarking on a relationship. The rest will take care of itself..

 

No point in harbouring resentment. That is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Instead Forgive her (in your own mind) and move on. By forgiving her you let go on the stranglehold she has on you. It free's you to resolve 'baggage' that might otherwise drag you down in future relationships.

 

Its a tough lesson but if you deal with it in the right way it can be a very valuable one

[calgary]

hey I feel really sorry for you!

 

these kind of things will obviously upset you! losing your girlfriend is life changing.. even if she was a bad girlfriend.. your normality has changed now it's a shock to your system, you was happy you was oblivious ignorance is bliss and all that !

 

now the truth is out she's just going to go out partying and find another guy and mess him around until he finds out what she's like.. she'll keep doing this until eventually a guy will do it to her and then they'll live happily ever after cheating on each other.

 

hate people like this. this really is so upsetting. I was with my girlfriend around the same time so I know you'll have developed similar feelings .. I couldn't even imagine.

 

you sound like a decent guy though. she probably thought she was really cool for playing two guys.. when really she's a loser.

again i'm so sorry this is such a sad story, I just keep imagining if this was my ex.

[Addison312]

Wow, so sorry you ever met a female like that. Rest assured, there are plenty of good ones out there who would never cheat on you. You deserve way better than the way she treated you. Wow.

No contact all the way.

[Mary7720]

She was a player. Don't give it another thought, I understand wanting to have a real relationship but she wasn't doing that with you. At. All. I'm guessing she told you exactly what you wanted to hear...with someone else those same words would actually mean something, but she does not. Find someone who actually appreciates you. Funny, I usually hear this story from women....

 

My take on this...why are you shaking/crying? Because she screwed you over in the biggest way: emotionally, she probably knew you were a caring person...she could play with your heart without feeling anything and did it anyway. You have to say no to that behavior with anyone. And if some other girl was flirting with you and was probably a healthy change, why did you stay with someone you knew was bad for you? You mentioned all the signs were there. Was that the ex that cheated on you? NC. (And this is such a pet peeve of mine: don't hint that you're with someone, say the words....maybe they got it but when I really like a guy I don't see that until some mutual friend tells me what was going on and that sucks.)

 

Anyway, find a way to put this out of your mind--keep very busy. Find someone else who appreciates you. Go talk to a therapist to figure out why you're OK with someone who treats you like this. Especially reading that this is the 2nd time you've had a relationship end in cheating, I worry that there's something you need to address. Wishing you the best.

[didntdeservethis]

My take on this...why are you shaking/crying? Because she screwed you over in the biggest way: emotionally, she probably knew you were a caring person...she could play with your heart without feeling anything and did it anyway. You have to say no to that behavior with anyone. And if some other girl was flirting with you and was probably a healthy change, why did you stay with someone you knew was bad for you? You mentioned all the signs were there. Was that the ex that cheated on you? NC. (And this is such a pet peeve of mine: don't hint that you're with someone, say the words....maybe they got it but when I really like a guy I don't see that until some mutual friend tells me what was going on and that sucks.)

 

I didn't know she was bad from me. I had my doubts about her honesty but never thought she was cheating. And I always attributed my doubts to my trust issues. Thinking maybe I was overthinking things. And I think the shaking and crying is coming from the complete disregard of my well being. The fact that the person I cared so much about and felt safe around actually turned out to be someone completely different. It's the same fear as when you were a kid and you would lose your parents in the mall or something, that sense of safety is gone and you instantly start panicking. That's the closest thing I can relate it to. The first couple days when I could barely even sleep, I would wake up in disbelief, thinking it was all some sick twisted dream my mind made up only to quickly realize it was real.

 

I have never been this weak in my entire life. I didn't fall this hard from my previous relationship which lasted 3 years. Not to say I didn't hurt from that one, I did, but I managed to cope better. This one caught me completely vulnerable and just tore me apart.

[Mary7720]

That's what I'm saying, she was pushing your buttons, making you think it was all your fault: trust issues instead of her emotionally and/or physically cheating on you. Complete disregard = screwing you over. I understand that some of this is clear now looking back...and when you're open of course it hurts more, especially when you believe it, only to find out you were duped. Maybe that's what's holding you back more, heck it's embarrassing! I'm not saying it's easy but it's required: just stop. You only get one life, turn it around. Now.

[didntdeservethis]

Just an update. The shaking and crying has stopped, but the mornings are still the worst. I wake up with anxiety of having lost her from my life. This weekend was the first weekend without her (technically the 2nd weekend but we broke up last weekend and I was still in denial/shock) and it was really hard. I think of her non stop. My friends seem to be tired of hearing about it.

 

Its been 9 days since I threw her out and we haven't had any contact. She has been in touch with my mom to get her stuff. My mom will probably give her belongings to her sometime this week. I was initially going to be present during this but have since decided I want nothing to do with it. I just don't think I can handle seeing her right now. The emotions are still too raw. She even told my mom that she just wants her stuff and to "never hear from him again". Just further proves that she had moved on before I threw her out.

 

I'm slowly starting to get some more work done (but at turtle speed) and have missed deadlines so I hope I don't get into much trouble. I haven't found anything that has really helped ease the pain yet either. Going to the gym makes me miss her because she is in her best shape right now and seeing all the fit girls at the gym getting all the attention makes me realize how much attention she is getting. I went to a party over the weekend and even though there was a cute girl that showed a lot of interest and I danced with her briefly, I still missed my ex at the end of the night.

 

I read a lot of the threads on this site and I see people are still thinking about their exes 3-6 months after break up and I hope I move on much quicker because it isn't fair that I have to deal with this for so long and she can easily move on so quickly when she was the one doing wrong, not me.

[cdt76]

I'm guessing she probably met the criteria for your "dream girl". She was beyond attractive, fun in bed, fun out, she laughed at your jokes and she made you laugh. She would disavow your trust issues and then try and settle those issues by allowing you into a personal part of her life to set you an ease. She never let you use her phone. She didn't tell you the truth about where she was and who she was with. Because of her immense emotional need for attention, one guy wasn't good enough. Two guys maybe but the more the better! She needed a mans attention everyday to make her feel pretty and smart and needed and wanted and by God she was going to get that from as many men as she could find! And when it comes to being honest about her feelings, she hides behind your mistrust. She can't come clean becuase then she would have to face the issues that are destroying her life. She will never tell you the truth about what she was doing. You will never get closure. You will be left dealing with this and hopefully you can heal quickly. I feel your pain.

 

Go to the gym, spend hours there. Not for the girls but for yourself. Soon, those girls will be looking at you. That's what I'm doing and the next one will be better than my ex! So will the next for you!

[Mary7720]

Good, keep your distance, keep busy, she was obviously the wrong one. The hurt doesn't go away overnight but if you keep up work or other interests it should help you get there.

[lovecutsrightthruu]

Well done for writing about this and getting it off your chest.

There's a lot of really decent people on this site as you've already seen from some of the responses you've gotten. It's a wonderful support network.

 

This chick sounds like a grade A class BI*ch - you should be glad to be rid of her but you are probably experiencing a million different emotions right now and its probably hard to even tell which is the dominant one.

 

Know you're not the only one to be duped like this - if you look at some of the other posts on the site, you'll see many people have been 'burnt' - both guys and gals.............but there are decent people out there also - it'll take you a while for you to recover from this - but don't let it color your views for the rest of your life.

 

For the time being, just focus on yourself - forget about that cow! Go NC and use the web to research topics that will assist you with the healing process.

[fixing]

wow, sorry to hear about that cheating, remorseless pathetic whore. I had EXACTLY THE SAME SITUATION m8.

Lived with mine for a year, worshipped the ground she walked on, fully trusted her etc, dream girl.

Only to find out one day she had cheated on me. I kicked her ass out like you did, and boom, she just upped and vanished and never said sorry, this was in September 2012.

 

I wont lie, its going to be a painful process your going to endure, but the only way for you right now is to NEVER contact that loser/disloyal unappreciative whore FOREVER.

DONT WAIT FOR OR EXPECT AN APOLOGY.

DONT EXPECT TO HEAR FROM HER AGAIN.

 

Remember though, it's NOT YOUR FAULT M8. She will live a sad and lonely life imo. Karma is a great thing, and godwilling, it will find your ex and any other cheating scoundrels.

 

Love yourself, she did you a big favour really. Imagine if you had kids, or married, mortgage etc?

 

Just keep posting here, fwiw, it took me 3 solid months no contact to start to feel better.

 

Stay strong and f### that idiot, dont let her control your emotions anymore.

[cdt76]

M8 and Fixing: I love your passion and your honesty! I wish there was a way to cut out the pit in my stomach and chest! I can't imagine KNOWING she cheated on me and how you are coping with it is a testament to your character and strength.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, just get her crap to your mom so she can get it and then....cut ties.

 

Look, she's trying to demonize you to other people so she doesn't have to face the things that she done. She trying to make herself out to be the victim. That SHE didn't do anything wrong.

 

Look, don't worry about it. If people ask you what happened, just tell the truth. Be calm and "as a matter of fact" as possible. People would probably be more inclined to believe your story over someone that's rambling and basically being all bat sh*t crazy. People are going to believe what they want to believe and there's really nothing you can do about it. HOWEVER!!! If she does try to get an RO on you. Fight that! You don't want a record on you for some unfounded BS.

 

Time to move on dude.

[didntdeservethis]

Thanks for the responses, I really appreciate it. Last night I dreamt about her again. I dreamt that I went to her and cried and told her I can't live without her and she started crying too and we got back together. It was like a slight moment of happiness only for me to wake up to reality and realize it was all a dream and even worse, realizing she will never come back and try to explain her actions. I feel like I'm doing worse today, not as bad as the first couple of days but definitely worse than the last couple of days. I saw a couple of recent pictures of her that popped up on my feed through mutual friends and she looks as happy as she could be. I feel like I have read every article in the world on the internet, mainly because I keep stumbling onto the same articles I have read before.

 

I don't know why but I keep picturing that she ends up coming back begging me for forgiveness but I know it will never happen. I'm having a hard time moving on from this experience, I know I should be mad and upset at her (which I am) but I can't shake the feeling that this was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It also really bothers me that I'm a zombie all day and she is just going about her days like nothing happened.

 

Also I have grown really tired of my friends telling me I can do so much better. It is such a biased saying, as if anyone has ever told anyone they CAN'T do better. I'm pretty sure her friends would tell her the same if she even mentions me which I highly doubt she does.

 

And how can I believe in karma when it seems people that are players always get away without any type of pain, and only the people they play end up getting hurt. They play people until they find the one they want to spend their lives with which they will because at that point they're so good at playing people, the other person will never find out.

[Mary7720]

Re: karma....someday, it'll happen. Don't ask why or how, it just does.

 

If you're talking about FB, is there a way to block mutual friends for now? Or just stay off completely...block the site if you don't have the will power. I'm sure your friends will understand. Return to email/text/phone when you need to reach them.

 

When your friends say you can do so much better, I think what they're saying is you don't deserve to be treated like crap. Maybe there were good things about your ex in the beginning that you're hanging onto but in the end you were looking at the wrong parts of her. There wasn't enough good there to make it worthwhile and I'm sure it's painful for your true friends to see her beat you up. She's gone but she's put in a good round, huh?

 

I'm sure I've seen stuff along the lines of: that life plan you had in your head...it's just wrong. Trust in the "other plan" of your life, it's another path, and really a better option, you just don't see it yet. I know it takes time to heal but I hope you see it soon.

[didntdeservethis]

Feeling worse today. Not sure if it's because of valentines day or not. I'm trying really hard not to check her social media to see what she is up to because I know it will hurt me.

 

My mom gave her belongings to her yesterday. She told me that my ex wouldn't even look her in the eyes. Just thanked her and gave her a hug. My mom also mentioned she looks even skinnier than before.

 

So now she has hit her goal weight, getting tons of attention, and obviously not even wanting to know how I am doing.

 

I really want to just move on and not care about this anymore because it isn't fair that I have these feelings for someone so evil, someone with no conscience. Why did I fall for her and why can't I move on easily after being wronged like this?

[Mary7720]

I think you can't move on yet because you're not seeing that she was all about just feeding you lines. Tell yourself this everyday out loud for a while, it'll sink in. Maybe you think you won't be as close to someone else but with someone else it'll be honesty, not made up. Anyone can just make up lies...with your next relationship, seek out someone who is real: sets you straight, tells it like it is even when you don't want to hear it...we all need someone who's truthful with us...that's true intimacy. And maybe this is just a sign to you that you're ready for a serious relationship/marriage but came across a person who you shouldn't have been with for that.

 

If you like your job, focus on that, or if you don't...focus on finding a new one. If both work and personal areas of life are crummy it's harder to bounce back. Spend time with friends, not to meet someone new right now but to be around others, let your friends distract you with other topics. Get out of your own head, don't let your mind be your own enemy.

[didntdeservethis]

Just giving an update on this since during a breakup you always find these stories but nobody ever follows up.

 

Shortly after making that post on feb 14th, I checked her social media. Panic set in and I left work, I tried my very hardest to not call her. But it all happened so fast, the panic was setting in worse and I finally gave in and called her. She agreed to meet me on her lunch, I drove to her work and I got there 15 minutes early. I called my good friend who pleaded with me for the 15 minutes to leave. He tried his damndest to talk me out of it but it didnt work, I had made up my mind I guess.

 

We talked, and she admitted everything. I guess I assumed a lot of things but basically I had been neglecting her lately (by playing video games) and she was very unhappy. She took the easy route out instead of just breaking up with me.

 

We came to an agreement to work things out and even got counseling. I got a lot of feedback during this period, most importantly from my female cousin who has dealt with infidelity before. She told me if I am going to take her back, then I have to commit to forgiving her and not bring up the past once we have settled it. And thats how it turned out. I never once brought up her infidelity in the next 1 year and 9 months. A lot of things changed this time around. She was much more open, I met her family and I stopped playing video games. After 2 months, I slowly started playing video games again but it was very moderated. She even started playing video games with me. We compromised and did things together. We even went to Europe together to 7 different countries. We had a great time. All was well and fun and I got comfortable again. However the past 2-3 months, I started playing heavily again. She would warn me that I had an addiction and she was slowly getting unhappy again. Of course I ignored her like before until she finally dumped me.

 

Its been 5 weeks since she broke up with me and 4 weeks of NC. I can quite frankly say I'm devastated but I know it was my fault. She was honest this go around and there was no infidelity, but I screwed up. She even told me that me neglecting her felt worse than getting cheated on (her ex cheated on her in the past). I'm guessing she felt worthless because I would pay no attention to her and stopped doing the things she liked doing cuz I was too busy doing my own thing.

 

I love her to death but its too late to fix things. I even tried talking to her a week after she dumped me, promising her I would sell my console and PC and would never touch a game again but she was too hurt. At this point I just want to see her happy and I hope she finds someone that she deserves because I didn't deserve her.

 

And to make matters worse, now that I'm unhappy, I rarely get on my video games and started going out with friends. All my ex wanted was to go out with me and spend time with me. Yet I wouldn't do it for her and now that she is gone I am doing it with other people and I feel like a total scumbag. I should have done it with the person I loved, not just cause I'm unhappy and need to distract myself.

 

Anyways, figured I'd update you guys.