Author Leigh 87 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 If your already into a girl and really like her, I find it very odd that you would judge her for something she did in the past that she did not actually like. Now, if I enjoyed the threesome and showed signs that I wanted to try it again? Fair game, you have a REASON for changing your perception of me.
snowflakes88 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Leigh, why are you so affected by this??? Some men will be bothered by it. Some men will not. There is no right or wrong. Everybody is entitled to their own preferences and their own standards. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Leigh, why are you so affected by this??? Some men will be bothered by it. Some men will not. There is no right or wrong. Everybody is entitled to their own preferences and their own standards. I am not affected, I am alarmed.. It genuinely baffles me, that some people would look down on a person or rule them out for a relationship, based on something they did a very long time ago. I just find it very strange, that is all! And, you know, the group of people and types of people I hang out with would literally laugh at any new person who came over to us, and said " oh, yeah, I was really into a girl, she is 30, but you know, she had a threesome when she was about 15, so yeah, I did not want to settle for that:lmao::lmao:'' I would laugh even harder (I am not joking I would laugh) if he then went on to say " man, I thought she was classy! you know, until I found out that over ten years ago, she had a one time threesome" SORRY, but where I come from and with the people I associate with, we would truly find this strange behaviour! And many of the people who I associate with are only into having sex within relationships
snowflakes88 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Okay, so you find it strange. That's fine. It's that you keep posting over and over and over how ridiculous and absurd it is and how no normal person thinks this way and blah blah blah. The people who care are entitled to their opinion just as you are to yours. I just don't see the point in going on and on about it in such dramatic fashion, I guess. To each her own.
pbjbear Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Casual sex past doesnt matter to me as much as current attitudes so the OP is fine. I have found alot of the guys I dated that had alot of casual sex in their past (either through ONS or FWBs, or just lots of casual relationships) had unattractive personality traits such as having little self control, not showing enough emotions to really have an emotional connection (not being a pussy boy...just showing SOME emotions), being disrespectful/douchey towards women. Alot of people with these traits are very into casual sex, but not everybody who does it is like this. The OP sounds very nice and shes prob an amazing girlfriend based on her posts so obviously she doesnt fall into this category If I dated a guy who had none of these traits who had a casual sex past (have yet to date one...every single one had these personality traits whether it was obvious from the beginning or emerged later in the dating cycle) I wouldnt care
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I'd prefer not to know if a girl I was seeing had ever had a threesome or a FWB situation with someone. If I did know, it would probably make me think differently about them. I don't think either of those things are healthy expressions of sexuality. You could say I'd judge them for it and you'd probably be right. But that's not necessarily a negative thing. It just means we have different values. That being said, I don't want to know a woman's history. I'm not going to ask, out of sight out of mind as far as I'm concerned. I expect the same courtesy though...
animalover Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I am not affected, I am alarmed.. It genuinely baffles me, that some people would look down on a person or rule them out for a relationship, based on something they did a very long time ago. I just find it very strange, that is all! And, you know, the group of people and types of people I hang out with would literally laugh at any new person who came over to us, and said " oh, yeah, I was really into a girl, she is 30, but you know, she had a threesome when she was about 15, so yeah, I did not want to settle for that:lmao::lmao:'' I would laugh even harder (I am not joking I would laugh) if he then went on to say " man, I thought she was classy! you know, until I found out that over ten years ago, she had a one time threesome" SORRY, but where I come from and with the people I associate with, we would truly find this strange behaviour! And many of the people who I associate with are only into having sex within relationships I think it all goes about what is normal for you and what is not... you would laugh about a guy who would not want to settle for a girl who had a threesome when she was 15 because you see that kind of behavior normal...(because you probably did it!). If someone would approach to us complaining that has been ruled out for a relationship because he/she had a threesome when he/she was 15 ... everybody would understand that...because we are not the kind of guys who did that... simple as it is... You need to accept that everyone has their own deal breakers... I am a veterinarian... I need to be reachable 24/7 in case there is an emergency, this is a common deal breaker for some women I have met, I can't avoid being who I am, I just need to accept there will be people who will not like me for one or other reason... I think you would do good accepting that not everyone will like you... it is impossible, some people would just not like blond girls... and some people would not like that you had casual sex (ever)... if you can't accept that simple mathematics you will never be happy!
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 I think it all goes about what is normal for you and what is not... you would laugh about a guy who would not want to settle for a girl who had a threesome when she was 15 because you see that kind of behavior normal...(because you probably did it!). If someone would approach to us complaining that has been ruled out for a relationship because he/she had a threesome when he/she was 15 ... everybody would understand that...because we are not the kind of guys who did that... simple as it is... You need to accept that everyone has their own deal breakers... I am a veterinarian... I need to be reachable 24/7 in case there is an emergency, this is a common deal breaker for some women I have met, I can't avoid being who I am, I just need to accept there will be people who will not like me for one or other reason... I think you would do good accepting that not everyone will like you... it is impossible, some people would just not like blond girls... and some people would not like that you had casual sex (ever)... if you can't accept that simple mathematics you will never be happy! But I am not the kind of girl who has threesomes or sleeps around anymore. That is the problem here- your HIGHLY judgmental. I just told my mother how some guys do not go out with say, 30 year olds, if they ahd casual se at age 16. Like all my friends, she could not believe that there are people thi go back 15 years into a persons sexual past. ....Seriously, I NEVER talk about what I did at age 16 with ANY guy.. I have no idea how you would go about asking a women what she did when she was a teenager. I asked a few friends and they told me " wow, I would be offended, it is non of his business what I did befoer I became an adult"
animalover Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 But I am not the kind of girl who has threesomes or sleeps around anymore. That is the problem here- your HIGHLY judgmental. I just told my mother how some guys do not go out with say, 30 year olds, if they ahd casual se at age 16. Like all my friends, she could not believe that there are people thi go back 15 years into a persons sexual past. ....Seriously, I NEVER talk about what I did at age 16 with ANY guy.. I have no idea how you would go about asking a women what she did when she was a teenager. I asked a few friends and they told me " wow, I would be offended, it is non of his business what I did befoer I became an adult" When it comes about with whom I have a laureateship or not... then yes... I am HIGHLY judgmental and VERY demanding. After all I am about to give away the biggest asset that I have (myself). I don't ask about what the women I date did when they were 15 but about their whole sexual life... usually women don't have any problem to disclose their past as usually I choose women who are known to be classy...
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 I think traditional values are ideal in a way, I actually prefer sex when I am in love with a guy, and I find it difficult to have sex casually unless I really know a guy very well first and I know he thinks the world of me, but lacks romantic feelings.... There comes the FWB. That is just me though:) Plenty of cool girls on here, educated, attractive, cool personalities, have FWB often! I am somewhat inbetween! I know how damaging it was for me when I slept regularly with guys, it took me one year to realise it was SO not for me, based on how it made me feel. It did not match up with what I ws naturally able to feel good about. ...So.... I tend to stick to sex in relationships also, but I end up finding someone i really really like, and who feels the same about me, and we are in situation where we lack romantic feelings, yet respect each other a lot and sort of... have sex:lmao:
animalover Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) But I am not the kind of girl who has threesomes or sleeps around anymore. I just told my mother how some guys do not go out with say, 30 year olds, if they ahd casual se at age 16. Like all my friends, she could not believe that there are people thi go back 15 years into a persons sexual past. I have no idea how you would go about asking a women what she did when she was a teenager. I asked a few friends and they told me " wow, I would be offended, it is non of his business what I did befoer I became an adult" I just re read this post and I first would like to point out the anymore... as a very important and specific point... that means you did it at one point of time... so can still find it a normal thing to do at the age you did it... but people who did not engage in such of ways in sex at the teenager age would not find it normal... It is disturbing you find this topic so important that you even discuss it with your mother and friends... why do you need to feel so much validated? Last but not least... I don't have any problem asking a woman about her past... if she feel offended or do not respond my questions... the relationship is over.... see my only thread in this forum as an example http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/366436-do-you-girls-like-lied Edited February 8, 2013 by animalover
SmileFace Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Leigh I really don't know why you are seeking acceptance for something you did at 16.
animalover Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Leigh I really don't know why you are seeking acceptance for something you did at 16. I was wondering exactly the same...
silvermercy Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) I haven't read the whole thread yet but just my 2 cents from someone who abhors promiscuity in society as a whole for many reasons. (I need a full thread and an essay on why promiscuity is detrimental to society. LOL) FWB for me implies an even greater detachment than someone who had a few simple ONS (and I absolutely hate ONS). That is, I believe that someone who has acquired the ability to have casual sex with the same person over and over again without forming a deep emotional bond is less capable of forming a deep emotional bond as a non-promiscuous person with me (with all other things being equal). In other words, I don't believe I'm receiving 100% of their love and connection (regardless of what they think they give). So they can swear up and down they give 100% but I've never felt this (more like 60-70% at best). I want 100%. Always. Edited February 8, 2013 by silvermercy 1
pbjbear Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Animalover dont ever move to NYC...you will get a huge shock I can tell by your posts that you assume every place in the world is like the place where you live (where you claim FWB's or ONS's dont happen hardly ever). Honestly, Id rather live where YOU live. It sounds better, like a better place for me. But not everyplace is like that
animalover Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I haven't lost anything in NY... it is a city that doesn't call my attention at all... I have been several times to the US but always to the West... (mostly Oregon) and honestly I loved that part of the US! I totally would be outside of my comfort zone in a city where everything is sexcentric...
pbjbear Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I haven't lost anything in NY... it is a city that doesn't call my attention at all... I have been several times to the US but always to the West... (mostly Oregon) and honestly I loved that part of the US! I totally would be outside of my comfort zone in a city where everything is sexcentric... Well Im out of my comfort zone alot of the time. My values and preferred way of doing things often dont match the typical way of NYC. People have to adapt to it though.
animalover Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Well Im out of my comfort zone alot of the time. My values and preferred way of doing things often dont match the typical way of NYC. People have to adapt to it though. I don't agree... NYC is a big city... I am sure there are lots of ONS and FWB there but I am also sure there are people with the same kind of values that I have. I would agree being such a large city it would be more difficult to find and connect with people like you (with the same values and principles) but there are always ways to find them... but definitely not clubbing!!
pbjbear Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I don't agree... NYC is a big city... I am sure there are lots of ONS and FWB there but I am also sure there are people with the same kind of values that I have. I would agree being such a large city it would be more difficult to find and connect with people like you (with the same values and principles) but there are always ways to find them... but definitely not clubbing!! I am not a big clubber. I have a small % of friends with the same values as me (and over half are women...not helpful for me).
animalover Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) You should try to do more things where you can meet healthy people... sports are always a good idea but you can try any kind of hobby you like.. Try to be open for new people and avoid being too judgmental at the beginning of the dating face... it can be a long process if you really want to have the right person... I can be dating a woman for periods of 6 months to even a year before I call it a full relationship (hence I have sex with her) till I feel she is the right person. I think you should not have sex with people just because you are afraid of losing an opportunity... you should have sex with someone because you desire to have sex with him... if you don't do that you will lose soon the respect for yourself! Edited February 8, 2013 by animalover
pbjbear Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You should try to do more things where you can meet healthy people... sports are always a good idea but you can try any kind of hobby you like.. Try to be open for new people and avoid being too judgmental at the beginning of the dating face... it can be a long process if you really want to have the right person... I can be dating a woman for periods of 6 months to even a year before I call it a full relationship (hence I have sex with her) till I fill she is the right person. I think you should not have sex with people just because you are afraid of losing an opportunity... you should have sex with someone because you desire to have sex with him... if you don't do that you will lose soon the respect for yourself! I agree with all of your advice but Ive dated all types of men personality wise. I have posted here I like shyer guys and guys that are pretty close to the typical nerdy guy...its not like Im only dating alpha types. I also walk away when there are lots of red flags which is what I should do right? I do have self respect in that aspect. I dont think not accepting red flags is being judgmental I do have alot of hobbies but alot of them are solitary. Im not really into sports...but I do like exercising. I find the gym isnt always the best place to meet people. So you do have sex before you tell the woman its a full relationship... How do you handle that?
TheGuard13 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You tell the woman that you really like her, and you point out that you'd like to have sex, but you're honest that you are not ready to commit to a long term relationship. And if you're both okay with that, you have sex with each other. It's that simple. The problem is that men lie to women, because they think they have to lie about stuff like this, because they think that women don't want sex. When, in truth, if men were just honest, a lot of women would still probably sleep with them if they were attracted to them, even if those women were looking for a relationship with that man, or in general.
animalover Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I agree with all of your advice but Ive dated all types of men personality wise. I have posted here I like shyer guys and guys that are pretty close to the typical nerdy guy...its not like Im only dating alpha types. I also walk away when there are lots of red flags which is what I should do right? I do have self respect in that aspect. I dont think not accepting red flags is being judgmental I do have alot of hobbies but alot of them are solitary. Im not really into sports...but I do like exercising. I find the gym isnt always the best place to meet people. So you do have sex before you tell the woman its a full relationship... How do you handle that? I don't do sex before I am in a full relationship... I don't know where you misread me... I am very judgmental when it comes to whom do I date, and very demanding... I am going to give the girl that I am going to date the biggest asset that I have (Myself!) so I am dam picky.. I am always straightforward with the women I date... I don't do casual sex, I don't do sex at all if I don't love them and love with me doesn't happen in a second... I always try not to get too invested in a relationship till I really feel I am with the right person. That process can be 1 month to 1 year... and sometimes it never happens... If a woman does not accept me like I am then she wasn't worth it and I don't really feel very sorry when that happen!
pbjbear Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I don't do sex before I am in a full relationship... I don't know where you misread me... I am very judgmental when it comes to whom do I date, and very demanding... I am going to give the girl that I am going to date the biggest asset that I have (Myself!) so I am dam picky.. I am always straightforward with the women I date... I don't do casual sex, I don't do sex at all if I don't love them and love with me doesn't happen in a second... I always try not to get too invested in a relationship till I really feel I am with the right person. That process can be 1 month to 1 year... and sometimes it never happens... If a woman does not accept me like I am then she wasn't worth it and I don't really feel very sorry when that happen! Oh ok, well thats good. I wish I could meet someone more straightforward. I dont think every single guy that strung me along intended to do it from the beginning though some def. did, maybe some changed their mind for whatever reason along the way. They never informed me of this though. Why are you telling me to not be judgmental when you are? Judgmental is a word I like to avoid because it means something different to everyone. When I turn away from a guy who has obvious red flags, some people say Im judgmental, others say Im smart. It depends on who you ask. I have seen threads on this forum about red flags Ive had to deal with and you get all sorts of responses as to whats acceptable and what isnt. I dont consider myself insecure but there are some things I just wont deal with because I know I wouldnt be all that happy with them.
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