lisa_209 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Ok...so in a previous thread I admitted that I haven't kissed my husband in 3 years...He had been having emotional affairs like people buy toddlers new shoes and I was simply disgusted by him. I knew there was so much more he wasn't telling me about what happened. He would keep telling me they just flirted and sent him nude pictures but it never went any further. I knew he was lying because that is just what he kept doing. He would only admit to something AFTER I would find proof and then it was that's all nothing else....then I find something...that's all nothing else, find another something, that's all etc etc you get the idea. Well we hired a front desk gal for our office and she started Monday. Just the way he interacted with her bothered me. Like he was too happy she was there...I felt almost immediatly and actually thought to myself -how could anyone share their spouse with someone...I can barely handle this behaviour. - then it hit me....this is absolutely NOT normal and people should not think things like that about their spouse immediatly when the spouse approaches a member of the opposite sex. So, I work two jobs...when I left and went to the other job I sent him a text (yes I know things like this should be delt with in person, however I felt that just maybe he would be more honest and less intimidated texting) asking him to talk later. I told him that I needed him to be truthful with me about the extent of the EA's. I just knew that there was more and long story short, he said he didn't want to lose me blah blah blah and I said you already are...three years of little to no sex (Literally a handful in desperation) and no kissing or actual intimacy should have been a sign to him that I wasn't just letting this go. Aside from the constant questions from me about the affairs...I mean he should know. It's not like I never talked about it or tried to talk to him...Anyway. He texted me a list...of names, details and gore. 10 women I knew nothing about...all physical. Here is the best...THEY WERE NAKED TOGETHER, BUT DIDN'T HAVE SEX...THEY JUST GAVE HIM BLOWJOBS...really?? I don't believe it! the ones he didn't get physical with I knew about...which is an additional 5 or 6. All of this before our 3 year wedding anniversary. Blow jobs at work, in his apartment when I was out of town..going to their houses, meeting at the park. I needed to know and I am not angry really so much for the deed anymore...I just feel like I have been cheated for the last three years...trying to move on and now starting over...am I crazy here? I knew he messed with them, he just lied. So at this point I feel kuckoo..I still don't believe him it's all...when will I ... can I... is there a capacity to the amount of times a person can try and move forward. This is foreign and crazy...How in the hell do you trust someone who CONSTANTLY lies and then tells you they love you. Now he has said nothing has happened since I found out, no women at all... But really does that matter? He kept them and their secrets safe for three years while I suffered and will continue. WTH!
whichwayisup Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 What's keeping you from leaving him and filing for divorce? Your husband is messed up and his behaviour is awful, he totally disrespects you and isn't acting like a husband should be towards his wife. If he is lying and making no effort in changing and bettering himself, showing real remorse for what he's done, why stay? Staying is messing you up as well. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Er, why will you continue, exactly? You're in this marriage because it brings you...... what, exactly? You haven't tried to move forward, at all. You've ranted, raved, complained, confronted - but then he's gone back to the same old same-old - because - he - can. Hell, you may yell a lot, but you do nothing about it, so - "I have a crazy wife, but she's still here lappin' it up!" He carries on, basically, because you let him. you give him the green card - by being there. You want to stop this once and for all? Then file. There's no point sticking your hand in the fire over, and over, and over again, then complaining it's hot. 2
SunshineToday Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Please do not believe him, he did have sex with them. As if that even matters at this point.
SmokeRat Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I may not be the best person to voice on this topic, as my wife has treated me like a doormat in the past with her affair, with only one guy. Your 'husband' has had multiple affairs, with multiple women. My question to you, is why are you still with this man? I can barely handle my wife having slept with a singular man, over a period of 2 years. If she had slept with as many persons as your husband has, and I promise you, he's slept with the majority oif them. One does not get fully naked just to get a blowjob. Ultimately the choice is yours to what you do, but at least in my case I've confirmed absolutely no contact and I've also confirmed all the details. For you, considering the depth of his lies, I'd be curious to say the least. Keep your head up, we're all in this together.
Author lisa_209 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 What's keeping you from leaving him and filing for divorce? Your husband is messed up and his behaviour is awful, he totally disrespects you and isn't acting like a husband should be towards his wife. If he is lying and making no effort in changing and bettering himself, showing real remorse for what he's done, why stay? Staying is messing you up as well. Honestly...when this all went down three years ago I wanted to leave. My 18 and 16 year old asked me to not. I had only been divorced 2 years when we got married. I am horribly afraid of messing up my kids. They love this man. He has been their dad for 7 years and their birth father is a pile. I don't want to crush them with this. I love my kids too much. THAT's why I would rather be messed up. Pathetic, yes. But I would break my heart a dozen times over than cause them pain.
SmokeRat Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Your children are old enough to understand the circumstances. My wife's OM's kids loved him. He was a jesus figure to them. After they found out about their father running around with a married woman and doing this to his own wife, they turned on him like a pack of wolves. Letting your children live a life of ignorance while their father destroys the very being of their mother is cruel. Tell your children why, tell them the details, then have their 'father' tell them the details. They have a right to know, you have an obligation to tell them.
Author lisa_209 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Is it possible for a cheater to stop? stop lying, stop cheating? Really is there ANYONE who has survived this and come out happier on the other side?
Confused3232 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 If you even think for a second they didn't have sex, you are a fool. Sweetie, save your self respect and move on. He will never respect you unless you do and more importantly, you won't respect yourself. He is a serial cheater and you are letting him. It will be hard, but what you are living in is worse.
Confused3232 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 You are doing your kids a disservice. Remember, he is setting an example for your kids on how women should be treated. Don't let him mess up your kids. What helped me is if one of my daughters came to me in my predicament, I would tell her I support her, but she needs to start respecting herself. What advice would you give to your on or daughter?
SmokeRat Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I'm working through R right now with my wife. Is it working? Yes. Is it the healthiest environment right now? Probably not. Can it work? Absolutely. I've seen couples pull it off. But with the level of lies your 'husband' has pulled on you, I'd say the odds are slim. Has he shown remorse? Gone to IC? Gone to MC? Shown any sign that he truely feels sorry for what he has done? These are key things. Can cheaters stop? Yes they can, it's a choice. They either choose to live a destructive lifestyle that will eventually see them dumped into a shallow grave with a few bags of Lye or they straighten themselves out and live a good life. Let your husband know that 10kg bags of Lye are only 20 bucks in Canada..... 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, EVER!! stay with someone "because of the kids". You lose all self-respect, and frankly, if I may say so, it's not their choice - they're not the ones being disrespected, cheated on, lied to, and being laughed at. Because yeah - he is laughing at you. I think if you're really worried, you take them out for a soda one day, tell them what has happening, and what you intend to do. This is NOT up for discussion, they have no choice in the matter. if they want to maintain contact with him, that's up to them. I realise they have feelings for him for whatever reasons - but that does not mean you have to be a doormat and get metaphorically emotionally shafted simply because he has a seemingly uncontrollable urge to get it out of his pants every moment he can. Is it possible for a cheater to stop? stop lying, stop cheating? Really is there ANYONE who has survived this and come out happier on the other side? Today 4:12 PM Only if they really really want to. And he has demonstrated quite clearly that he has absolutely no intention of doing that, making good, earning your trust, trying to make it up to you or be your husband!! Sure, affairs are survivable - but not in this way. And to say he's not on board is an understatement. Honey, he's not even in the same country..... The only way you can truly achieve any measure of personal contentment, is to break away, and file for divorce. I see no remedy to this at all. 2
SmokeRat Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 As much as I want to believe that most people can pull through these things, I have to agree with Tara. And even recommending that makes me very sad, because I can only imagine what is feels like to finally give up and walk away. Thinking about doing that to my marriage, is an incredibly difficult thing to even consider. But your situation warrents it. Plain and simple. We're all backing you on this, and we're always here to listen. You CAN do better, and you WILL do better. Leave this man to his early grave, he'll realize what he's lost when he's older and cannot get the woman as easily. Keep that imagine in your mind, when you are happily with someone. Realize he'll be miserable for the rest of his life and no one to care for him. Chances are he will not even has the love of 'his' children anymore once they find out the truth. And having your own children turn away from you, I believe is the most painful thing you can inflict on someone, so to that I say do it. Tell your children and let them tear him apart.
pteromom Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 How in the hell do you trust someone who CONSTANTLY lies and then tells you they love you. Now he has said nothing has happened since I found out, no women at all... But really does that matter? He kept them and their secrets safe for three years while I suffered and will continue. WTH! You can't. And you would be crazy to try. You are with someone who doesn't value monogamy. Even if what he says is true, and he just got blow jobs from multiple women, the fact that he thinks it is OK to get a blow job from a random woman when he is married is in direct opposition of your values and what you want in a relationship. He is NEVER NEVER going to be who you want him to be, because he thinks in a completely different way. Your options are to accept his cheating as part of the deal, or to move on.
Author lisa_209 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 That's the problem...I don't believe him...I can't believe anything he says. He has shown remorse...he has gone to counseling and in fact that may have been part of his lying to me. His counselor asked me to come meet with them for one of his sessions and then proceeded to explain that he shouldn't tell me everything because it would hurt me further and it wouldn't do any good for either of us me knowing what all happened. Of course I went three shades of crazy on him and looked my husband in the eyes and said you should know me better than anyone and you SHOULD know that this man is wrong....DID HE TELL ME...yes three years later, yesterday. Marraige counseling ... not yet. Honestly after meeting with his counselor I said no way in hell. I am, however, starting my own therapy next week. I need someone to straighten my head out for me. I can't even think on my own anymore. Which is sad coming from the woman who wanted to conquer the world.
pteromom Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Honestly...when this all went down three years ago I wanted to leave. My 18 and 16 year old asked me to not. 18 and 16 are old enough to know the truth... "I love him, but he has had multiple affairs, and I deserve someone who can be faithful to me. I know you love him too, and he is a much better father than he is a husband. I will support you continuing a relationship with him and will answer any questions you have." You are teaching these teenagers how to be in a relationship and how to set standards for their future relationships. 3
Author lisa_209 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Why can't life have a road map...a guide with all the pot holes to avoid...identify the scenic views...dead end streets...vast deserts to avoid...the world's biggest (insert your preferably explicit here)...I just wish things were easy. I am sure we all do...but the age old question... HOW AND WHY does this seem acceptable to people...
SmokeRat Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I'm still young man at the age of 28, so I do not have an answer to the road map of life. There are many, many other people on here that have a vast amount of knowledge compared to me. I suppose life would be boring and pointless if we did not have change and spontaneous events. I'd even go as far as to say the God has a path set for us, but after seeing what I've seen in my field of work, I cannot in good mind say that 'God' has anything to do with anything. Cut your loss, strike out on your own and find someone who will value YOU and only YOU. He will be the one that loses out in the long run, there is no reason to go down with a sinking ship.
Author lisa_209 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 I need to leave. :*( How do I do it? I need money...I helped him build his business...I quit my career...passed on law school...I gave up everything...how do I start over? HOW...do I let go of EVERYTHING! I don't want to be pathetic and miserable...I don't want my daughter to EVER accept this..I don't want my sons to EVER believe this is ok to do to someone they love...I WANT to control my life again...but HOW THE HELL DO I DO IT!!?? How...:*(
SmokeRat Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Lawyer up. Simple. I know this is hard for you, and frankly, strictly going on our opinions is silly. We're armchair therapists on LS. Get real advice, from a Lawyer and from a IC/MC. See what they advise. Do not make any rash choices, but solidify that you are leaving him. You're goal is be happy and healthy again, and you cannot do so living the way you are. Make a statement he'll understand. Go see your Lawyer and start the divorce papers, when they are all ready, you throw those papers on the table and tell him directly YOU ARE DIVORCING HIM. PERIOD. Do not leave the house, do not leave your children, and follow the advice of your Lawyer. We're here for you when you need to vent. 1
pteromom Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I need to leave. :*( How do I do it? I need money...I helped him build his business...I quit my career...passed on law school...I gave up everything...how do I start over? HOW...do I let go of EVERYTHING! I don't want to be pathetic and miserable...I don't want my daughter to EVER accept this..I don't want my sons to EVER believe this is ok to do to someone they love...I WANT to control my life again...but HOW THE HELL DO I DO IT!!?? How...:*( The first step is letting go of any hope that he is capable of being monogamous and faithful. Once you let that go and accept the reality of the situation, you can take your power back. Let go of the dream of a future with this man, which is built on lies and hope, not truth. The good news is that you aren't in a desperate situation. He isn't abusive. You already aren't sleeping with him, so you don't have to worry about the emotional consequences of that mess. There is no reason you have to hurry and leave. So first, comes the emotional detachment. Next, start taking control of your life. You gave up your career? Now is the time to rebuild it. You gave up your identity? Now is the time to rebuild it. Connect with old friends (platonic friends! Now is not the time to make more of a mess.) Get back involved in things you love to do - hobbies, sports, activities, etc. Work on being who you want to be! While you do all that, start getting things in financial order. Start squirreling away money. If you don't have accounts in your own name, now is the time to do that. If your credit is bad, now is the time to work on it. If your finances are tangled with his, start slowly untangling them. You can do this. Be strong. Be powerful. Demand more for yourself than this. Be who you want to be. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 HEY JUST GAVE HIM BLOWJOBS...really?? I don't believe it! the ones he didn't get physical with I knew about...which is an additional 5 or 6. All of this before our 3 year wedding anniversary. Blow jobs at work, in his apartment when I was out of town..going to their houses, meeting at the park. I needed to know and I am not angry really so much for the deed anymore...I just feel like I have been cheated for the last three years.. Lisa, you've been given much good advice here. But I can't help but wonder why you're spending time trying to figure out the difference between oral sex and intercourse when it comes to cheating. Shot with a gun or stabbed with a knife - still dead, right? Stop worrying about your husband's credibility (he has none) or whether your marriage is viable (by his hand, it isn't) and start thinking about how you're going to protect yourself and your kids. At this point, everything else is wasted energy... Mr. Lucky 3
TaraMaiden Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I need to leave. :*( How do I do it? I need money...I helped him build his business...I quit my career...passed on law school...I gave up everything...how do I start over? HOW...do I let go of EVERYTHING! I don't want to be pathetic and miserable...I don't want my daughter to EVER accept this..I don't want my sons to EVER believe this is ok to do to someone they love...I WANT to control my life again...but HOW THE HELL DO I DO IT!!?? How...:*( OKay Lisa, listen very carefully: First of all, SmokeRat gives excellent advice. However, I would follow it with this - The very real and present danger here, is that the Emotional Heart, will get in the way of the Practical Head. You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement. The emotional entanglement you are extricating yourself from, is one thing. The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another. Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow 'heart' to rule 'head'. How you feel about this on an emotional level, is obviously of supreme significance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce. Do not permit how you FEEL about him, or about your children, or the whole shebang, to interfere with what you must Practically do. Go and see a lawyer. some give a free hour's counsel, in some practices, so you need to get something practical in place. Have you got a good friend in whom you can confide, and who would go with you for moral support, and remember maybe, to ask questions on your behalf, should you find it all a little too much? Go see someone legal as soon as you can.....
drifter777 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Your self-esteem must be at rock-bottom after all this so you need counseling as well as a lawyer. You don't deserve to be treated this way and you need to understand that. Your kids may need counseling as well, but whether they get it or not you need to do what you think is best for your life. They are old enough to understand how badly your husband has & is treating you. You are their mom and have over time that will trump whatever other feelings they have about your husband. One last thing, since when is a husband getting a blowjob from another woman "ok"? Some say that oral sex is a more intimate act then intercourse and I don't know a single wife that would look at like you do. I guess we're all different but this seems extreme to me.
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) Lisa you are right, you can't trust someone who has fed you lies constantly. What he doesn't realize is that the lies are the most damaging thing of all. He would have to prove to you that he can be honest even when it's hard. So far he's shown you only the opposite so you can only expect that. Trying to sort constant lies from truth would drive anyone crazy. I agree your kids are old enough to know, not that you should tell them out of vengeance. They are of an age where they will need to have some level of understanding of what's going on though. And if you are going to leave, yes you need to file and get at least some temporary order for support while you work things out. He can't leave you penniless if you don't make as much as he does. you should either get 50% or some kind of equitable split + spousal support. Edited February 7, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband
Recommended Posts