Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 My ex and I broke up on Friday. We had a blowout on NYE and I was very cruel with my tongue. In the last year of our 3.5 year relationship I probably became a bit needy and controlling due to health issues I had. She was never the type to shower affection, yet when I got sick I suddenly expected it. When she brokes with me, we actually went to her friends engagement party that night, then for dinner, then she stayed over at mine (no sex but we cuddled close all night and cried it out together). Her reason was that she couldnt put up with the volatility and arguing and that she'd tried for a year to accept it but that she saw no future as a result. She said she would miss me incredibly but that that wasn't enough when at 29 she isnt getting any younger. I asked if anyone else was involved. She reckoned she needed to get 'herself sorted' then she could worry about a relationship with someone else. At the start of Jan (after the fight) she asked me for space of a month, I told her no and that I wouldnt wait like a puppy dog, and would probably move abroad with work. The fear of me moving made her stay with me until Friday when she told me that the only reason she stayed was that she didnt want me to go and lose all chance of being together. Well crazy me got drunk on Saturday, called her a zillion times, begged, cried and she still said, she needed to break up. So then I drank even more and started texting threatening suicide. Stupid. Emotional wreck. Pushed her further. She then started calling me out of worry for me. She sent me a text saying if I had just said 'U know f**k you, I'll show you what your missing' - that things may have worked out different but all I had done was show her she was making the right decison. So Sunday comes (superbowl sunday), well I had a superbowl full of drink. Again constant texts, calls, tearfull messages, 4 am calls etc. She called me on Monday night saying she had made the right decsion and that I had proven it with my behaviour, chatted for an hour, but she reckoned she needed to do it for her, again reiterating that she 'didnt want it anymore', that she would 'miss me like crazy'. So Tuesday (I had to take her some cash I owed her), she asked me to transfer it to her account, instead I turn up unexpected with it. She deemed it inappropriate and was very very angry. Text me later saying to never come near her or text her again for that matter. All i replied was that I wouldnt but she could call me if she ever calmed down. So Wednesday I finally managed NC. What I'm asking is, on Friday she said she 'wasnt 100% sure she was making the right decision to end it, but was 100% sure things couldnt continue as they were'. She was civilised, we hugged all night. By Tuesday I am the worst human on earth that makes her skin crawl. She deleted me clean off Facebook (not in her nature at all) but not my mum or friends. I know my actions were poor. I do an awful lot for her and she really does appreciate how much I am always there for her and says she would miss that like mad. Do you think that with NC she will calm down. Yesterday's NC helped me to realise what I had done wrong and how poor I had been with neediness. I almost now want to wait a fortnight and tell her that I recognise all the reasons she did it and thank her for it. I want her to know that for the very first time I know what I did wrong. I want her back, but in the letter I dont want to tell her that. I have drafted the letter and will post it on here to see if you guys think it would help my situation. Please give me advice
TaraMaiden Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 leave her alone, completely. You have acted like a nut-job, so she needs space from you for her to get her head together. Forget the letter, that's just more crazy stuff. I know we haven't seen it yet, but trust me, when we do, we'll advise the same thing.... By leave her alone, I mean at least a month. Drop off her radar and do not respond to any approaches she makes either. You need to let this all simmer down, pass and fade before you even think of talking to her again. And please don't come back in with protests, justification, reasoning, excuses, 'but....' ''the thing is....' 'well what if....' or anything else. Leave it. Just for once, try doing what she's asked. On the face of it, to her, you are totally flaky, untrustworthy, unpredictable and you won't DO AS SHE ASKS!!! so do it!
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) leave her alone, completely. You have acted like a nut-job, so she needs space from you for her to get her head together. Forget the letter, that's just more crazy stuff. I know we haven't seen it yet, but trust me, when we do, we'll advise the same thing.... By leave her alone, I mean at least a month. Drop off her radar and do not respond to any approaches she makes either. You need to let this all simmer down, pass and fade before you even think of talking to her again. And please don't come back in with protests, justification, reasoning, excuses, 'but....' ''the thing is....' 'well what if....' or anything else. Leave it. Just for once, try doing what she's asked. On the face of it, to her, you are totally flaky, untrustworthy, unpredictable and you won't DO AS SHE ASKS!!! so do it! I actually wanted you to respond Tara. I am a clever guy (a professional) and understand myself how poor my actions have been. NC is for me I know, but my wonder is whether or not it will help her see. The apology letter is not for the purposes of getting her back.....more to settle her emotions. Sure you'd understand if you saw it. No protests. Just I've read it. Yesterday's NC gave me so muh clarity as to the ridiculousness of me! Should I post it for you Tara. I actually wanted a reply from you as your the queen of mean - in a good way. I am really hurting tara.....you are very right.....but i dont want to leave her thinking 'he went psycho' but 'im glad he realises he was wrong to do that'. That allows me to move on and also her, no? Edited February 7, 2013 by Couldntbemoreupset
Simon Phoenix Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Dude, leave her alone. A letter right now would continue your "psycho" behavior. And not talking to her for a day is not NC. You need to let her be. The more you push in any way, the more psychotic and creepy you'll come off. Just stop.
meeji Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Wait until that month is over and then decided if you should give her the letter. Sit on it for a while. Your feelings might change between now and then. In the meantime, ask yourself if this relationship is really worth getting back.
Emilia Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Her reason was that she couldnt put up with the volatility and arguing and that she'd tried for a year to accept it but that she saw no future as a result. You know that this is the real issue. It seems from your original post that you are a very emotional person. You need to sort that out otherwise you will never have a stable relationship.
Allumere Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 When they say they aren't 100% sure and they could be making the wrong decision it usually means someone else is in the picture and interest in strong enough for them to leave you and test those waters. 1
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 When they say they aren't 100% sure and they could be making the wrong decision it usually means someone else is in the picture and interest in strong enough for them to leave you and test those waters. I know her so well. She wouldnt do this. Infact....I 100% have faith it isnt that
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 You know that this is the real issue. It seems from your original post that you are a very emotional person. You need to sort that out otherwise you will never have a stable relationship. Good advice 1
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 You know that this is the real issue. It seems from your original post that you are a very emotional person. You need to sort that out otherwise you will never have a stable relationship. You are totally right and it has stifled her
cavalier99 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) Hey man cut yoursekf some slack. Your crazy behavior really wasn't all that bad ive seen and hears worse. These things are tough. She was gone anyway. Dont think because of how you behaved it ruined your chance of getting back together. When they leave they are gone and latch onto any desperate behavior on our part to justify their decision. Right now just regain your self respect. NO CONTACT. Ok? No apology.. nothing. Any contact will put your self esteem in the trash. She know this is tough on you etcetera and you love her bla blah blah. She will forgive your behavior. As long as you stay NC.....The thing is it doesn't matter. Edited February 7, 2013 by cavalier99
Emilia Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Hey man cut yoursekf some slack. Your crazy behavior really wasn't all that bad ive seen and hears worse. These things are tough. She was gone anyway. Dont think because of how you behaved it ruined your chance of getting back together. someone to leave because they can't deal with the arguing anymore is pretty bad, not really sure why you think it helps the poster to play down the main issue.
cavalier99 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) someone to leave because they can't deal with the arguing anymore is pretty bad, not really sure why you think it helps the poster to play down the main issue. Your right. I think that it played a huge role in the RS and BU My point was when she left that was it. Over, Finito. He needs to forgive himself and move on and learn how to handle next RS and BU better. I wasn't justifying behavior. Just no need to carry guilt and think it could have saved the RS after she left. He couldn't save it even if he behaved like a saint in the days after BU (Which he didn't obviously). The damage was done by that point. So my post was more about his healing. Your are right that he needs to learn a lesson for the future. We all learn tough lessons upon reflection. This is critical IMO. But it also critical that he doesn't beat himself up too much right now in his weakened devastated state. Right now He needs NC and to know she is gone and not to dig a bigger hole. Edited February 7, 2013 by cavalier99
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Your right. I think that it played a huge role in the RS and BU My point was when she left that was it. Over, Finito. He needs to forgive himself and move on and learn how to handle next RS and BU better. I wasn't justifying behavior. Just no need to carry guilt and think it could have saved the RS after she left. He couldn't save it even if he behaved like a saint in the days after BU (Which he didn't obviously). The damage was done by that point. So my post was more about his healing. Your are right that he needs to learn a lesson for the future. We all learn tough lessons upon reflection. This is critical IMO. But it also critical that he doesn't beat himself up too much right now in his weakened devastated state. Right now He needs NC and to know she is gone and not to dig a bigger hole. Essentially I want to know if I wait a fortnight, which would be out of character.....if you think an apology would help HER not me. I lover her, almost want to see her married and happy. Ok I want her back, but just dont want my break up actions to carry forever in her head. I want her to know im ok, not worry and then if she wants me back, great!
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 essentially i want to know if i wait a fortnight, which would be out of character.....if you think an apology would help her not me. I lover her, almost want to see her married and happy. Ok i want her back, but just dont want my break up actions to carry forever in her head. I want her to know im ok, not worry and then if she wants me back, great! my biggest point here is that she said if i had reacted better thinks would have been different. Am i wrong to cling to that. Sorry bout caps....its stuck on
cavalier99 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) my biggest point here is that she said if i had reacted better thinks would have been different. Am i wrong to cling to that. Sorry bout caps....its stuck on I answered you in my posts above. NO. She was gone. No clinging. And definitely no apology. Your staying away at this point is apology. Any contact will make her uncomfortable even apology and deep down you are still hoping that it will get her back. It wont. You apology at this point is self serving and she will see that. NC is the only solution. Its over. Apologise in like a year if you want. Edited February 7, 2013 by cavalier99
TaraMaiden Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Essentially I want to know if I wait a fortnight, which would be out of character.....if you think an apology would help HER not me. I lover her, almost want to see her married and happy. Ok I want her back, but just dont want my break up actions to carry forever in her head. I want her to know im ok, not worry and then if she wants me back, great! Please don't kid yourself, because you sure ain't kidding us. You may feel that an apology would help her - but what you want is to look good in her eyes, forgive you, and agree to talk. Your actions are already playing in her head, and nothing you say or do will change or erase that. The fact is, if you try anything more now, you'll just be piling more crap on top of crap... Cut to the truth: You just want her back, great! my biggest point here is that she said if i had reacted better thinks would have been different. Am i wrong to cling to that. Er... Yeh-heah! I'm sorry, what part of "Go complete, Total No Contact" do you not get? Methinks thou dost protest too much.... we've all said it... you can insist all you like, but we're still always going to say "NO!!"!
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 You guys are right. Although Tara I don't get why u are cruel about it here. I just wanted to understand why she would say that I still had a chance if I reacted better. I just don't see why I'm such a d*** for wondering that or holding onto that hope?
cavalier99 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 You guys are right. Although Tara I don't get why u are cruel about it here. I just wanted to understand why she would say that I still had a chance if I reacted better. I just don't see why I'm such a d*** for wondering that or holding onto that hope? Dont take it personally. She is just a tough cookie and dishes out hard core good advise. You'll see that in a couple months. She is actually quite caring. Lol Sorry man these things are super rough. And sometimes some of us who are further along forget a little how harsh it is in the 1st weeks. So the advise, while valid, seem to be a little harsh but we are just cutting to the chase... in reality it is usually spot on. Hang strong man. It gets a lot better with NC. The worst of the madness usually end after a month. Then you enter new stage..still difficult but easier.
TaraMaiden Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 You guys are right. Although Tara I don't get why u are cruel about it here. I just wanted to understand why she would say that I still had a chance if I reacted better. I just don't see why I'm such a d*** for wondering that or holding onto that hope? OH hang on a cotton-picking minute - First of all, I never called you a dick. Ever. Secondly, You posted here, and added this - I actually wanted you to respond Tara. I am a clever guy (a professional) ..... NC is for me I know, but my wonder is whether or not it will help her see. ..... I actually wanted a reply from you as your the queen of mean - in a good way. Thirdly, I'm not the only one hammering it home here, but you seem to want to refuse to listen. Every time anyone has said, "No, Go No Contact..." You've come back with a wide variety of "yes, but...." replies. I'm not being cruel, but if you actively seek and invite my responses, based on other replies of mine you've seen, why would you expect me to be any different with you? WYSIWYG...... 1
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 OH hang on a cotton-picking minute - First of all, I never called you a dick. Ever. Secondly, You posted here, and added this - Thirdly, I'm not the only one hammering it home here, but you seem to want to refuse to listen. Every time anyone has said, "No, Go No Contact..." You've come back with a wide variety of "yes, but...." replies. I'm not being cruel, but if you actively seek and invite my responses, based on other replies of mine you've seen, why would you expect me to be any different with you? WYSIWYG...... Thanks Cav. And yeah Tara ur right. Just so scared she would think NC was me saying F you! I know she's soft deep down and know her that she doesn't bare long term grudges. She's had worse done to her in her past by folk and forgave and forgot. But hey, I never knew her that well or I'd have kept her happy. It's just a week before, even an hour before breakup, we were best pals....u know. I'm just so sad xx
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 chill dude, if you are the dumpee you can be sure that everyone looks and feels 'oh so cruel' . The truth is the fact the only person who really seemed to care (other than your mom) just put your heart in a blender and threw the mash into the drain. I know how it feels been through the blender recently myself. check out this website: http://www.relation****.com/ it miht cheer you up a bit peace bro Thanks mate. Right I'm gettin it out there. People break up and make up loads. Loads. But every piece of feedback I get here is 'no chance' 'never' 'gone'.....move on. Now I'm not bein arrogant, but I can get girls, pretty easily to be honest. But this one was magnificent....and worth fighting for. I'm talking, theeee most beautiful girl....actually on billboards. So why is it always never and not......let it cool down, then plan for her back. I can take heartbreak.....I can, and I view failure as a necessity if u are to ever succeed. I also know her well enough to know for sure that the content I have in a letter, makes revelations that she truly deserves to know and that two weeks space would make her content, not to reignite contact or pressure, but to receive one letter. Secrets I kept that are so relevant and explanatory. I hid seriously important stuff. So I want her to be in possession of all facts, all reason and then tell me to beat it forever.....because that I can live with!!! Is that genuinely so wrong. None of you appear to have got back the girl or guy.....but got over them, which I applaud u all for.....but where's the guys on here that got the girls back. I mean people get back together.....but on here.....no one does. Thoughts Tara lol
21heartless Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Hang in there bro. Go no contact. It's hard as hell I'm going through it right now and it's only been four days. Cant sleep, Cant eat ,and the dreams are crazy. I come here to vent and when I feel like texting her apologizing. It really helps a lot. Esp when you really care about her and really want her back. Our true test will be on Valentines day.
cavalier99 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 but where's the guys on here that got the girls back. I mean people get back together.....but on here.....no one does. Thoughts Tara lol Go to the second chances forum. Here is were you get the harsh reality advise. You get the girl back if they come back. I have gotten back with GFs but it never required an active pursuit. They came back..easy. The second you start to have to strategize you are pretty much F*cked and should just move on.
Author Couldntbemoreupset Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Hang in there bro. Go no contact. It's hard as hell I'm going through it right now and it's only been four days. Cant sleep, Cant eat ,and the dreams are crazy. I come here to vent and when I feel like texting her apologizing. It really helps a lot. Esp when you really care about her and really want her back. Our true test will be on Valentines day. Ah the dreaded day. You too Cav, thanks. I hope to god I get to her comin back. But I dread next Thursday worse than ever. I never dreamt about her until I split up....now I can't stop. Wow it's powerful. I even started goin to mass to pray. I haven't been for 10 years!!
Recommended Posts