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Posted (edited)

I posted another thread on here with the whole story if youd care to read it

 

But in short..me and my now ex, were together and madly in love for 3 years. Im 23 and shes 21. We were very serious and planned to get married

 

We had a very amazing relationship, shared some truly incredible moments together. In the last year however, we became quite routine and boring. Staying in instead of going out. Going to sleep instead of having sex etc etc...the passion kind of died because of how 'set in our ways' and comfortable we got. We werent living together, but spent almost every day, at some stage of the day, together. She broke up with me 4 months ago saying she no longer loved me. She says she is still attracted to me, but just does not love me anymore. She is very upset she fell out of love. We've stayed friends, and early on in the breakup she cried into my chest, said she missed me, and ended up kissing me a few times. She has a box of all our photos, presents and anything related to our relationship, collected from over the three years. I made her a slideshow of photos on a pen drive, with the backing track 'goodbye my lover', for her to put in the box. I showed it to her and helped her pack up the box as a way to say goodbye to our relationship and start a new one as friends. While watching the slideshow, she cried. She told me looking back, she's sad that we are over, and wishes she never fell out of love. She's upset that she did. And she said if she could wish for her feelings to come back so she would want to be with me, she would. But she can't force her feelings back, and they just aren't there anymore. I told her I loved her and will move on, but will always wait for her in my heart, so come back to us if she ever feels something for me again or has a change of heart. She said she would definitely, and we are staying good friends.

 

I love her so much and am devastated to lose her. I am moving on, getting out, meeting new people etc, doing my best for myself..but deep down I want her back, and I think I always will. What do you think, am I best to stay good friends with her like she wants? (Have the opportunity to flirt with her subtly, be there for her, show her a good time, and try to encourage some feelings back again) OR do I go NC and say I can't be your friend, I want more, and if you ever find that you want more again too, then come back to me (hence cutting her totally from my life, and her possibly missing me more and wanting me back in months or even years time) Whats best to do for the chance of possibly getting her back???

 

Keeping in mind that we are also going to be studying at university in different cities this year, so there is no chance of bumping into or seeing each other around, except for a few months in the summer when we will both come back home for the holidays. If we are friends, we can stay in touch, make the effort to catch up and visit. If I go NC..it may just help her move on from me totally?? SO stuck with what to do!! Please consider all this carefully and help me out..what am I best to do??

Edited by Jammo22
Wrong word
Posted

You're obviously new to this kind of thing! The general consensus here, and most places, is that you SHOULD NEVER stay 'just friends' with the ex. It is a horrible idea that causes nothing but pain and delays you moving on and meeting someone else.

 

For one thing, in most cases they don't really mean it when they say they want to stay your friend. It is a way for them to ease their guilt, as they may feel guilty for whatever reason and by offering to remain your 'friend' and you accepting, it allows them to think 'see, things are cool between us cos he offered to remain friends, so. Was not so bad at all'.

 

Secondly, if things are 100% over between you to then remaining friends will cause so much hurt. What if she thinks you are 'over' her and then as a friend she starts telling you about some new guy she is going out with? Could you really handle that?

 

No, the thing is to go 100% no contact and tell her not to contact you UNLESS the contact is about getting back together. She may come back, but she probably won't, but doing this will give you the best chance of moving on.

  • Like 1
Posted

Good post, Ordinaryday, saved me from a whole load of typing, thank you!! :D

 

Jammo22, please read the No Contact Guide (updated 2013) in my signature - click to link.

 

Everything you need to survive, is within the first post.

 

The rest of the thread will clarify for you, precisely why this 'let's just be friends' thing is a whole pile of crock.....

 

Happy reading!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Thanks guys

 

But the friend thing isnt something shes just saying...wev been hanging out alot as friends and chatting as friends through txt, facebook etc for the last couple of months. Hasnt been awkward or anything, just felt like normal..was just like we were before the breakup, comfortable, good conversation, good fun, but obviously just not intimate or loving with anything we say or do with each other. Wev already arranged trips to visit and stay with each other through the year in our different cities. She told me I'm the best friend shes ever had, and wants to remain good friends for the rest of our lives. Soo...I don't think its bull**** somehow haha

 

Also she wouldnt talk to me at all about her seeing someone else because I've told her I never want to know, and unless I ask, I don't wanna be the friend she talks to about that kinda stuff, and she respects that

Posted
Thanks guys

 

But

 

yeah... goddammit, there's always a 'but'.... :rolleyes:

 

the friend thing isnt something shes just saying...wev been hanging out alot as friends and chatting as friends through txt, facebook etc for the last couple of months. Hasnt been awkward or anything, just felt like normal..was just like we were before the breakup, comfortable, good conversation, good fun, but obviously just not intimate or loving with anything we say or do with each other. Wev already arranged trips to visit and stay with each other through the year in our different cities. She told me I'm the best friend shes ever had, and wants to remain good friends for the rest of our lives. Soo...I don't think its bull**** somehow haha

 

So.... what exactly is your problem, then?

 

You've been told - you can't be an unconditional friend with someone you still have strong feelings for, it's an impediment to your healing.

 

But you insist it's all been great, plain sailing, fun and fine up to now.

 

So what do you actually want....?

  • Author
Posted

The question was which is more likely to get her back

 

Be friends- as in have the chance to 'woo' her again, try and create that spark between us and have her feelings for me return

 

OR go NC- with the hope that she'll miss me more and one day want me back, but then again it may make it easier for her to get over me completely

 

I wanted peoples opinions on what the best way would be for a chance of her coming back. I respect all the 'whats best for me' advice, and thanks everyone, but it wasnt what I asked, thats all haha

Posted

Ok, let me break this to you gently:

 

She's not coming back.

Ever.

This is the best it's going to be.

 

You've been 'friend-zoned'. And she's very happy with that.

You've done exactly what she wanted.

Stopped being an intimate partner, but become a great place to fall, or back-up option.

 

She will begin dating others, and come to you seeking relationship advice, and cry on your shoulder when she breaks up with them too.

But she won't come back.

 

READ THE GUIDE.

 

NC is not - REPEAT: N.O.T. - designed to get an ex back.

At all.

It's not the motive, reason or point of going No Contact.

 

The reason you didn't get an answer to 'what you asked' is because it's not the answer you wanted to hear.

 

You have 2 chances of Hope:

'Bob' and 'No'.

 

Read the guide, you'll find it's your one life-saver.

Posted
The question was which is more likely to get her back

Be friends- as in have the chance to 'woo' her again, try and create that spark between us and have her feelings for me return

 

OR go NC- with the hope that she'll miss me more and one day want me back, but then again it may make it easier for her to get over me completely

 

I wanted peoples opinions on what the best way would be for a chance of her coming back. I respect all the 'whats best for me' advice, and thanks everyone, but it wasnt what I asked, thats all haha

 

The truth is, if you want to have your ex back, you have to start from SCRATCH. Your new relationship needs a new foundation. The only advantage is that you are already familiar with each other. But this is also the disadvantage. So it evens out.

 

Which means, obviously, you have to get over her first. That is as hard as if you would not want to be together ever again. Maybe harder because you have to be prepared that she turns you down like any new hot girl you date.

 

NC is the best way to get over your ex. Once you are over her, you can review your options.

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