What Would You Do If I Did This?

[Swansea]

Dating so far has obviously been a resounding success for you....

 

You don't get it. And you don't get that you we get you don't get it.

 

Using this kind of approach, in whichever way you choose to say it - is not normal dating practice and will not secure you a successful date.

This is not what young ladies want to discuss, and frankly, the approach is just off the wall.

Whacky.

Odd-job.

Freaky.

 

Like I said - if you want to insist on using your approach - whatever that may be, however phrased, go right ahead.

 

You asked for feedback. we gave it.

You don't like it and insist your way is preferable.

 

Knock yourself out.

Be sure to let us know how it goes.....

 

Nonono i accept and understand your feedback, but you are not open minded about my perspective because it does not follow your FAKE RULES that prevent awkwardness or misunderstandings according to what you believe, when in fact i think that acting like this is what creates them in the first place, unless the people involved are really APT.

 

Your method revolve too much around being fake for the sake of not crumbling and insecure person's thoughts..

[Swansea]

Even if you connect with someone's intellect, attraction mostly isn't about intellect. It's an animal, instinctual process. The more left-brained and clinical your approach is the more you'll be hampering any chemistry (whether or not that chemistry came from a "kit".) It's sad but that's how it is.

 

If you have requirements about what you like or don't like, you could find ways to express them that would appear more positive, or more negative. But if you start to express a lot of different requirements right away, you'll come off looking neurotic and loaded with baggage. Learn how to interpret and read people to see if they're going to be something you aren't compatible with... don't throw out a big list of compatibility requirements.

 

I would limit any kind of requirements out of the gate, let things happen as they happen (but you could give reactions to things you really don't like.) Most importantly don't hinge your whole happiness on one person or one date because that mindset alone will wreck it. Odds are it's not going to work even if you do everything right, most people aren't deeply compatible. Just try to have fun, be expressive and positive and not overthink things.

Yes, that is the kind of forethought i am making at this instance..

 

How to come across with my one golden belief without being a deal breaker, because after all i do not expect from people to just take it in like machines..

 

And i do see the use of the words such as rules and requirements might cause misunderstandings, my belief is simple and honest imo, ideally to plant it out correctly, i would just have to say it, but considering i have to put my self in HER shoes, i have to make sure i dont end it there and then for both of us due to insecurities.

[pteromom]

How to come across with my one golden belief without being a deal breaker, because after all i do not expect from people to just take it in like machines..

 

Your one golden belief is that you don't want to meet her friends too soon?

 

I admit it, I find that very odd. I would find a new golden belief.

[Swansea]

My partner is just like you: right out there with how he feels and what he wants.

 

I adore him for it.

 

Yes, you are expecting a lot to assume you can easily find someone like that. BUT you can groom a woman you like to get the courage to be that way and she will love you for freeing her from the bull **** and being the kind of guy she wanted.

 

I thank my man all the time for having the balls to wear his heart on his sleeve. After being with my guy I wouldn't even look twice at someone who plays the old immature dating games.

I know right?

 

When i see some couples, marriages, etc, sometimes i see people ask for help where the main problem is that they are trying to guess what the other person is thinking or saying, and why that person is doing this or that, when in reality the simple answer is to ask that person your self, but that doesnt happen because of the insecurities prior to the relationship, and accumulated while at it as well.

 

It is to expect alot, because it is a minority of people who have the ability to comprehend this, or look at it from this perspective, it requires a bit of honesty but also critical thinking. And yes i suppose grooming is the right word because as time goes by, if we do "click", the truth behind it all, would make her feel liberated and free of expression..

 

thats how i see it.

 

Thanks for sharing

[Swansea]

Your one golden belief is that you don't want to meet her friends too soon?

 

I admit it, I find that very odd. I would find a new golden belief.

No, i mean the whole be your self thing.

 

That meet her friends thing i mentioned in the intro i would explain like this..

 

" "hey i'm a bit shy, so if you don't mind, don't introduce me to your friends unless we go further..."

 

With the belief of mine, a topic like that would probably not be taken in as studiously as it perhaps might if you let the insecurities do the guess work for you, am i right? it would give incentive for her to ask me why and for me to explain..

[pteromom]

No, i mean the whole be your self thing.

 

That meet her friends thing i mentioned in the intro i would explain like this..

 

" "hey i'm a bit shy, so if you don't mind, don't introduce me to your friends unless we go further..."

 

With the belief of mine, a topic like that would probably not be taken in as studiously as it perhaps might if you let the insecurities do the guess work for you, am i right? it would give incentive for her to ask me why and for me to explain..

 

Thanks for the clarification.

 

I think that you can start by just telling her that you are shy when you are getting to know each other. Then if meeting her friends comes up and you still aren't comfortable with that, I think that's when you let her know that you need to work your way up to that due to the shyness you have already let her know about.

 

The problem with saying something like you laid out on a first date is that at that point she likely isn't even THINKING about introducing you to her friends yet, so it comes off as really out of touch with reality.

 

I am all for laying it out there, but you also have to keep it appropriate to what is going on, or you will scare her off. You wade into a relationship. It's a process.

[Swansea]

Thanks for the clarification.

 

I think that you can start by just telling her that you are shy when you are getting to know each other. Then if meeting her friends comes up and you still aren't comfortable with that, I think that's when you let her know that you need to work your way up to that due to the shyness you have already let her know about.

 

The problem with saying something like you laid out on a first date is that at that point she likely isn't even THINKING about introducing you to her friends yet, so it comes off as really out of touch with reality.

 

I am all for laying it out there, but you also have to keep it appropriate to what is going on, or you will scare her off. You wade into a relationship. It's a process.

 

I agree 100 percent

[normal person]

 

The problem with saying something like you laid out on a first date is that at that point she likely isn't even THINKING about introducing you to her friends yet, so it comes off as really out of touch with reality.

 

I am all for laying it out there, but you also have to keep it appropriate to what is going on, or you will scare her off. You wade into a relationship. It's a process.

 

I very much agree.

 

OP, I think it's a little odd to ask someone out with a contingency.

"Will you go out with me? Oh, and just know that I'm shy and I don't want to meet your friends immediately."

If you really want her, you need to be the accommodating one, not the other way around. She's got something you want, she has the leverage, not you. Why should she agree to go out with you on your terms? Yeah she might, but it's unreasonable to expect her to.

 

Also, maybe this is kind off topic but if I was her, I might think being shy and unwilling to meet the friends right away is way too meek. It's like saying you're too gentle, scared, and unwilling to step outside your comfort zone for her but you hope she'll take pity on you. Again, you have to make the concessions, not her. I think it'd be attractive if you told her how you can't wait to meet her friends because they seem like a lot of fun. Desire to meet and impress her friends would be a much better tactic, in my opinion. I know you don't have a "tactic," rather a legitimate feeling, but I'm just trying to illustrate the point.

[Swansea]

I very much agree.

 

OP, I think it's a little odd to ask someone out with a contingency.

"Will you go out with me? Oh, and just know that I'm shy and I don't want to meet your friends immediately."

If you really want her, you need to be the accommodating one, not the other way around. She's got something you want, she has the leverage, not you. Why should she agree to go out with you on your terms? Yeah she might, but it's unreasonable to expect her to.

 

Also, maybe this is kind off topic but if I was her, I might think being shy and unwilling to meet the friends right away is way too meek. It's like saying you're too gentle, scared, and unwilling to step outside your comfort zone for her but you hope she'll take pity on you. Again, you have to make the concessions, not her. I think it'd be attractive if you told her how you can't wait to meet her friends because they seem like a lot of fun. Desire to meet and impress her friends would be a much better tactic, in my opinion. I know you don't have a "tactic," rather a legitimate feeling, but I'm just trying to illustrate the point.

I'd tell her the shy thing, in case she says yes to the date, not in the proposal as that would be not only shooting myself with a gun but with a bazooka.

 

Also, to hell with concessions, i want to stay true to my self and play as little games as possible. If she finds it necessary to see my bow down to a certain degree, then thats not good. I just want to create a healthy atmosphere. I do have to treat her with the utmost respect of course, i understand what you mean.

 

I understand what you are saying, and i agree but, ill try to explain my self, it does need a bit of intelligence, but i will try to create a mix.

Edited February 7, 2013 by Swansea

[normal person]

I'd tell her the shy thing, in case she says yes to the date, not in the proposal as that would be not only shooting myself with a gun but with a bazooka.

 

Also, to hell with concessions, i want to stay true to my self and play as little games as possible. If she finds it necessary to see my bow down to a certain degree, then thats not good. I just want to create a healthy atmosphere.

 

I understand what you are saying, and i agree but, ill try to explain my self, it does need a bit of intelligence, but i will try to create a mix.

 

You say "to hell with concessions," but you're asking her to make one for you. You want her to go out with you, but you want her to concede being able to introduce you to her friends. Maybe she likes confident guys and going out with a shy one is a concession for her. That's not a game like you say, that's her preference and she's entitled to it. Asking her to concede it is rude. That's not a "healthy atmosphere" for her in my opinion.

 

I really admire your candor, but my off-topic prediction of the whole thing is that it will probably still end poorly for you. Girls universally are attracted to reasonably confident, assertive guys. Assuring her that you aren't one of them would seem like the real self-inflicted shot to the foot. I know you think you're bucking the trend with honesty, but I don't think you can rationalize your way in to someone's heart, y'know?

 

I'm sure there are some girls who like shy guys or might be willing to give you a chance, but I don't think the odds are in your favor if you go about it like this. I also don't think you should lie to her about being confident if you aren't, so it's a Catch 22 really. I wish I had some actual advice for you, sorry.

[Swansea]

You say "to hell with concessions," but you're asking her to make one for you. You want her to go out with you, but you want her to concede being able to introduce you to her friends. Maybe she likes confident guys and going out with a shy one is a concession for her. That's not a game like you say, that's her preference and she's entitled to it. Asking her to concede it is rude. That's not a "healthy atmosphere" for her in my opinion.

 

I really admire your candor, but my off-topic prediction of the whole thing is that it will probably still end poorly for you. Girls universally are attracted to reasonably confident, assertive guys. Assuring her that you aren't one of them would seem like the real self-inflicted shot to the foot. I know you think you're bucking the trend with honesty, but I don't think you can rationalize your way in to someone's heart, y'know?

 

I'm sure there are some girls who like shy guys or might be willing to give you a chance, but I don't think the odds are in your favor if you go about it like this. I also don't think you should lie to her about being confident if you aren't, so it's a Catch 22 really. I wish I had some actual advice for you, sorry.

I understand you view on it, by concessions i suppose i ment playing games where i try to be something im not in order to make her feel good. I would try to make her feel good in my own way..i will explain later but im busy right now..

 

I understand your point about the logical side, but i would take it as being confident with my self, by simply being truthful, again it's not like i would be a logical machine throwing ideas at that break the 4th way every second.

 

i would try to make a connection with her by just being me and asking that in return from her, and i can understand that the way i think about this might create a bad reaction from the majority of women because thats why how they have been programmed..

 

In the end i guess i would just to have to be my self while being a bit careful.

[normal person]

I don't know OP, something still seems off. It's like you're going in for a job interview and demanding a particular salary before they even hire you.

 

But really I think the ethics of it all is a moot point as I don't think you're going to win her over anyways. I suggest not asking her out until you're ready to meet her friends immediately. If you aren't ready to be a boyfriend, don't try to be one.

 

Emotions are irrational, and it sounds like you're expecting her to have affection for you on a technicality. It just doesn't work like that.

 

"I'm a grown man who's scared to meet a few girls, but you should go out with me because I'm honest about it."

 

If that's how she interprets it, you're going to be drying her panties, not dropping them.

 

Sorry for being crude, but that's how I see this playing out for you. I would wait until you're ready for everything before asking her out. You seem like a great guy but I felt you needed someone to tell you how it looks from a different perspective. Maybe I'm very wrong, I don't know.

[todreaminblue]

Again, im not laying out something where i envision something, and i get the exact opposite..

 

Im not being so absolute...

 

What i am trying to do i set up a series of ways in which i will proceed according to this or that..

 

In other words im just trying to stay true to my self, im not analyzing what she might be to that extent, because i dont know her, its part of the dating, but also part of it ( and this is where my idea comes in) is to at some point lay out these ground rules..

 

 

laying out ground rules implies there is a game, there are no hard set fast rules, honesty isnt a rule for a game nor do you have to lay it out you just live by it......mapping out ground rules,sounds like a skirmish...now paintball would be a fun first date...you have to be able to compromise and be able to see what the woman you intend to date might tangent on....you have to be able to go off the beaten track.....and expect the unexpected.....what if you were sittin gwith your date and a whole load of her friends come up and parked themselves right on top of you..woudl youe xpect her to dismiss them...would you crumble......you have to roll with the flow you know it helps to be honest but you have to go with it, take the good and the bad ....and be able to slide into a tangent, with a smile on your face.........deb

[melodymatters]

i would try to make a connection with her by just being me and asking that in return from her, and i can understand that the way i think about this might create a bad reaction from the majority of women because thats why how they have been programmed..

 

Read that back to yourself a few times. If I was the woman in question I would question BACK : what is your objective evidence that *I* am the one who has been "programmed" by society as opposed to following MY inner emotional path/logic/lovemap, but why YOUR feelings, and "programming" are the one true CORRECT path ?

 

Before you say : Well if she is the right Cinderella for me, she will accept the fact that I am walking around the kingdom trying shoe's on every single woman in town, cuz, ya know, that's the way I ROLL, you might realize how your initial expectations are likely to drive away over half of the woman who might COMPLETELY agree with you in theory, but find that your execution/social skills are too awkward to take the time to learn more about your pure and loving heart.

Edited February 7, 2013 by melodymatters
weird LS glitch

[Swansea]

Thank you for all of your input guys.

 

DEB, thanks again for the input.

 

NormalPerson, no worries, i understand where you are coming from, and i thought about that last final doubt i have, and that is that even if she says yes...would i be able to deal with the rest..?

 

You make a good point and it is important to be ready with everything...I can deal with her friends, and it will be up to her to introduce me to them if she wishes to, if it even gets there.

 

@ the 3rd comment, i see your point as well, the principle thought might be good, but the way of approach not entirely..

 

I would think that i would mention to her the two factors that i'm talking about as i wrote in the opening post...

 

And this would all be done in a comfortable mood.

 

When i imagine somebody telling me what i wrote in the op, in a nice way btw, i would be understanding, but i suppose that the consensus is that she is not likely going to act like that , so i will have to be very careful and ready for real before i even try...

 

I understand and agree.

 

I think that i have made a picture or image of me forcing some rules on her, but i wouldnt do it like some might imagine, if you go to the Original post and image me saying that in a nice mood, then i dont think its entirely horrible..

 

Ill think about everything that has been said here.

Edited February 8, 2013 by Swansea