What Would You Do If I Did This?

[Swansea]

So here i am pondering about how i can ask this one girl out, and on what will happen if she says yes, i am here envisioning the future and what i should do if it goes one way and so on, and i came to the point in my vision in which i ask myself, what will she think when i tell her the following...

 

Let's say this girl i ask out for a date says yes...I get the vision in my head of telling her at some point that i would be more comfortable not sitting next to her friends, or getting into that part of her life unless it goes further..

 

Is that sending her a message that i want her only for my self, or that im too introverted?

 

One of the basic principles as well that i see to having a relationship i like is that i would have to make it explicit to her that i believe in communication, and not in those believe systems that support and are supported them selves by insecurities in people, such as not calling too soon or else its weird, and stuff like that...

 

Would breaking the "4th" wall with her be too much?

 

What would you do if someone talked to you like this?

 

I don't know but for some reason i get turned off by what dating has been made to represent, looks to me like war sometimes the way people talk about it.

 

I would be understandable if someone told me "hey i'm a bit shy, so if you don't mind, don't introduce me to your friends unless we go further..." or " hey i believe in communication, so if something is bothering you just be ok with expressing your self, i just dont think that acting like its all alright and making dating a physcological war is something i want, or anyone should want or need.."

 

If someone told me this, i'd say in my head...NICE i have a person with a brain here...

 

But the videos i see on youtube are all about, when you are dating someone don't do this or that... when i think it should be.."unless you want to live in a world of bull****, you should break the 4th wall and just be real with each other"...

 

Thats how i see it.. i guess the question here is, what do you think of this, what would you say? Am i expecting too much on the human race?

[Swansea]

Of course there is the element of getting to know someone for who they are, and being careful about not meeting somebody dangerous, but when one plays this garbage game that society seems to have inflicted upon us, it doesnt seem to me like we are doing anything other than being fake ourselves...

 

I saw a video on youtube, based on english people where 3 women talked to 3 men who were actually actors and based on their performances and ways of expressing them selves, they would say which one seemed better, and it seems to me like they even noticed the dating techniques used by one of the actors, but my question is, why worry about this?! Why not be natural..

 

My point here now is that from now on, i will make the promise that i will make sure that in the relationship i will always prioritize communication and understanding, and wont be fake in order to "keep control",and make sure not to try to do everything to serve HER, but make everything to make sure we are BOTH in this progress together, until or unless one of us decides to quit...

 

I mean...why be fake? Why worry about eye contact or about how to smile or talk in a date? These people on youtube tell people HOW THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO ACT, and i think the FIRST thing should be an act of prevention AGAINST THIS.

 

I guess i now make the promise not to worry too much, and to be my self plain and simple, if no body likes that, too bad, of course some could take this as being delusional, but i on the other hand am AWARE to a certain degree of what im doing..this is staying true to one's ****ING SELF!

Edited February 7, 2013 by Swansea

[Swansea]

Well ill be going to sleep, i atleast hope theres atleast one insightful post by the time i wake up..lol

[sid3]

Well ill be going to sleep, i atleast hope theres atleast one insightful post by the time i wake up..lol

 

Sounds like your best bet would be to just get em drunk. Then you won't have to worry about all the silly things like talking, smiling and making eye contact on a date.

[clia]

So here i am pondering about how i can ask this one girl out, and on what will happen if she says yes, i am here envisioning the future and what i should do if it goes one way and so on, and i came to the point in my vision in which i ask myself, what will she think when i tell her the following...

 

Let's say this girl i ask out for a date says yes...I get the vision in my head of telling her at some point that i would be more comfortable not sitting next to her friends, or getting into that part of her life unless it goes further..

 

 

Why don't you just start with asking her out? You don't even know if she's going to agree, so why are you imagining all these future scenarios? Just be yourself. And no, it isn't weird to want to wait a bit before meeting friends, but I don't get why you don't want to to sit next to them. Were you planning on sitting on the other side of the room?

[todreaminblue]

So here i am pondering about how i can ask this one girl out, and on what will happen if she says yes, i am here envisioning the future and what i should do if it goes one way and so on, and i came to the point in my vision in which i ask myself, what will she think when i tell her the following...

 

Let's say this girl i ask out for a date says yes...I get the vision in my head of telling her at some point that i would be more comfortable not sitting next to her friends, or getting into that part of her life unless it goes further..

 

Is that sending her a message that i want her only for my self, or that im too introverted?

 

One of the basic principles as well that i see to having a relationship i like is that i would have to make it explicit to her that i believe in communication, and not in those believe systems that support and are supported them selves by insecurities in people, such as not calling too soon or else its weird, and stuff like that...

 

Would breaking the "4th" wall with her be too much?

 

What would you do if someone talked to you like this?

 

I don't know but for some reason i get turned off by what dating has been made to represent, looks to me like war sometimes the way people talk about it.

 

I would be understandable if someone told me "hey i'm a bit shy, so if you don't mind, don't introduce me to your friends unless we go further..." or " hey i believe in communication, so if something is bothering you just be ok with expressing your self, i just dont think that acting like its all alright and making dating a physcological war is something i want, or anyone should want or need.."

 

If someone told me this, i'd say in my head...NICE i have a person with a brain here...

 

But the videos i see on youtube are all about, when you are dating someone don't do this or that... when i think it should be.."unless you want to live in a world of bull****, you should break the 4th wall and just be real with each other"...

 

Thats how i see it.. i guess the question here is, what do you think of this, what would you say? Am i expecting too much on the human race?

 

 

 

does seem a little bit like warfare the dating scene as portrayed in here, and a little bit out in reality....i dont believe in games.....i do believe in being honest and i see nothing wrong with what you have posted......its the way you feel, if she is right for you she will understand what you are saying is legit adn appreciate your honesty if she isnt right for you she wont appreciate it...best wishes...ps dont analyze too much...you will psyche yourself out ask her out...just be honest like you want to be..............deb

[Swansea]

does seem a little bit like warfare the dating scene as portrayed in here, and a little bit out in reality....i dont believe in games.....i do believe in being honest and i see nothing wrong with what you have posted......its the way you feel, if she is right for you she will understand what you are saying is legit adn appreciate your honesty if she isnt right for you she wont appreciate it...best wishes...ps dont analyze too much...you will psyche yourself out ask her out...just be honest like you want to be..............deb

 

Thanks for your input.

 

@ CLIA, i think you have to be kind of dumb perhaps, not to try to imagine possibilities.

 

Why wouldnt i predict how to act or what to do in situation A OR B... i dont want to do something and then regret it..its like planning something out..

 

Believe me im not being delusional by imagining things before anything happens, its a sort of planning out.

[TaraMaiden]

@ CLIA, i think you have to be kind of dumb perhaps, not to try to imagine possibilities.

 

Why wouldnt i predict how to act or what to do in situation A OR B... i dont want to do something and then regret it..its like planning something out..

 

No, actually, it's very dumb....

 

You're forgetting one vital element: Her.

 

You cannot plan or predict for every eventuality.

You can't play out a scenario, because you can never second-guess and get in their head.... this is the kind of situation where you have to hit the ground running, play it by ear and let whatever happens take its course....

 

it reminds me of the scene in the film 'The Switch', when Wally goes out to dinner with a date, and proceeds to pan out a life with the lady opposite him, but as he goes on, it just gets more and more and more depressing.... until they're divorcing and fighting over custody - and it's their first date!

 

Yeah.... No.

 

It's dumb.

 

[Swansea]

No, actually, it's very dumb....

 

You're forgetting one vital element: Her.

 

You cannot plan or predict for every eventuality.

You can't play out a scenario, because you can never second-guess and get in their head.... this is the kind of situation where you have to hit the ground running, play it by ear and let whatever happens take its course....

 

it reminds me of the scene in the film 'The Switch', when Wally goes out to dinner with a date, and proceeds to pan out a life with the lady opposite him, but as he goes on, it just gets more and more and more depressing.... until they're divorcing and fighting over custody - and it's their first date!

 

Yeah.... No.

 

It's dumb.

 

Not really, you have a misconception of my idea of planning.

 

I don't try to predict everything, and i don't try to guess her out, i'm not delusional or irrational in any way in that sense, i believe..

 

It would be irrational to perhaps try to follow a made up script which might go horribly wrong in implementation, but what i do try to predict are possible situations that might happen, and what i can do in that moment.

 

So this is a bit more about my reactions towards whatever it is that she could do.

 

Thats where the communication and understanding part of my speech ( which i dont know if you read) comes in.

 

At some point in the first date, i would just tell her my ideal of interaction until she understands it, and if she does but is not "down" with it, then too bad...

 

So i'm not exactly trying to make scripts about people, its more of a guidelines to follow if this or that happens..

 

I don't want to date anyone any further if they dont understand or go with my logic, because i find that if you dont, then what other logic is there.

 

I think that you are thinking im trying to read her whole life, her whole character, NO my idea is to make sure to plant a foundation so that this world of insecurities and doubt doesn't arise.

 

My planning is for instantaneous execution of a vital part of some communication about something important with her...

 

Capiche?

 

Example..

 

What if i tell her that im too shy with her friends, she will either be understanding, or she will take it as a different meaning based perhaps on insecurities, so what should i do?

 

Base a foundation where she can atleast ask me why, if she does have doubt.

 

What foundation? Read my speech..

Edited February 7, 2013 by Swansea

[melodymatters]

I'm sorry but you DO seem to be getting ahead of yourself a bit. How about this timeline:

 

1) Ask her out

 

2) Go on first date and see IF you like her and IF she likes you, in a general " I find you interesting and attractive" sort of way.

 

3) NEXT date, mention that you feel like there are too many games, too much push/pull BS in relationships and that what you hope for in the future is to find a partner who also thinks this way. ( Sort of the way people throw out stuff like that would like to be married or have children at SOME POINT without indicating that they wan't 2nd date guy to be the husband and father in this imaginary future, but letting them know your priorities to make sure you are on the same page and don't waste each others time)

 

4) Then let reality take over because people don't even know themselves that well and half the people who say they "hate drama" or "always tell the truth" tend to be the biggest drama queens and liars !

 

There is so much we cannot know or control in this life. ESPECIALLY where other people are concerned. If you want to get all intellectual and pull up youtube videos about communication on your phone during a "get to know you" meeting feel free.....but I'd advice against.

[TaraMaiden]

way too heavy for a first date.

or even a second.

 

You are over-thinking this waaaaaaay too much.

 

you need to relax.

 

You approached me for a first date with this line of thinking, you wouldn't get a second...

[Swansea]

way too heavy for a first date.

or even a second.

 

You are over-thinking this waaaaaaay too much.

 

you need to relax.

 

You approached me for a first date with this line of thinking, you wouldn't get a second...

 

This is not ever thinking, and theres no need to relax because there is no need to

 

All im saying is pretty common sense, and id tell her all of this in a more soothing manner, if you didnt give me a second youd just seem as an insecure bunny to me, and id rather have none of that in the first place.

 

Dont tell me you are a fan of the societal BS that tells you to do this and that..

 

Have eye contact, look at his lips..i mean..if you stop being fake then the point you want to get across will come out naturally, no need for physcological war fare.

[pteromom]

Thanks for your input.

 

@ CLIA, i think you have to be kind of dumb perhaps, not to try to imagine possibilities.

 

Why wouldnt i predict how to act or what to do in situation A OR B... i dont want to do something and then regret it..its like planning something out..

 

Believe me im not being delusional by imagining things before anything happens, its a sort of planning out.

 

The problem is you are planning out your half without knowing what the other half of the equation is going to be. She isn't going to walk into a relationship with you a blank slate. She'll come with her own opinions, insecurities, ideas, values, and goals - which will likely ALL be different than yours!

 

So while it may make you feel better to have a "plan" in place, your plan isn't based in reality.

 

You don't even know yet if you WILL be too shy with her friends, or what her opinion will be on introducing them to you. One thing at a time.

[Swansea]

I'm sorry but you DO seem to be getting ahead of yourself a bit. How about this timeline:

 

1) Ask her out

 

2) Go on first date and see IF you like her and IF she likes you, in a general " I find you interesting and attractive" sort of way.

 

3) NEXT date, mention that you feel like there are too many games, too much push/pull BS in relationships and that what you hope for in the future is to find a partner who also thinks this way. ( Sort of the way people throw out stuff like that would like to be married or have children at SOME POINT without indicating that they wan't 2nd date guy to be the husband and father in this imaginary future, but letting them know your priorities to make sure you are on the same page and don't waste each others time)

 

4) Then let reality take over because people don't even know themselves that well and half the people who say they "hate drama" or "always tell the truth" tend to be the biggest drama queens and liars !

 

There is so much we cannot know or control in this life. ESPECIALLY where other people are concerned. If you want to get all intellectual and pull up youtube videos about communication on your phone during a "get to know you" meeting feel free.....but I'd advice against.

Overthinking it apparently for you guys, is thinking about it at all, and you are telling me not to do so because you guys have been fed with the idea i presume that if i overthink it then everything will go wrong, when in fact what im saying is sensible isnt it?

 

It would be to me if a girl said it, i would be super excited! Its like erasing a curtain of certain doubt..

 

I agree with your points, but i just dont think im getting ahead of my self, when in fact what you outlined is a plan based on my ideas, which in the end are not unsensible to anyone who isnt overly confused or insecure...

 

And youtube would be the last place to go to imo, it kind of prevents you from being your self in many of your videos because of the pre programmed bull**** programming many of the so called dating experts , recommend.

[TaraMaiden]

Okay, big problem:

You're insisting on looking at this from your PoV.

We're all telling you how we'd feel from OUR PoV, and you keep protesting that your way is logical, workable, sensible, forethought....

Ok, so date and take your own advice.

Don't listen to us.

 

But I guarantee it, you are really never going to get beyond first base with ideas like this.

 

Too heavy, too intense, too imposing, too.....

 

 

weird.

 

Just not the kind of discussion I'd want to be having with anyone at all - UNTIL I got to know what their friends were like.

 

 

"And you don't even know me - and you're putting forward conditions like that?

 

Nothing wrong with my friends, buddy, and if I want to socialise, and have dates when some of them may be included (because it could be my party or a celebration) then don't expect me to hang around with you alone, because it ain't gonna happen!"

 

 

See?And I would hazard an educated guess that most ladies would feel the same way - if you open with this kind of preamble during a first date.......

[Swansea]

The problem is you are planning out your half without knowing what the other half of the equation is going to be. She isn't going to walk into a relationship with you a blank slate. She'll come with her own opinions, insecurities, ideas, values, and goals - which will likely ALL be different than yours!

 

So while it may make you feel better to have a "plan" in place, your plan isn't based in reality.

 

You don't even know yet if you WILL be too shy with her friends, or what her opinion will be on introducing them to you. One thing at a time.

Again, im not laying out something where i envision something, and i get the exact opposite..

 

Im not being so absolute...

 

What i am trying to do i set up a series of ways in which i will proceed according to this or that..

 

In other words im just trying to stay true to my self, im not analyzing what she might be to that extent, because i dont know her, its part of the dating, but also part of it ( and this is where my idea comes in) is to at some point lay out these ground rules..

[pteromom]

It would be to me if a girl said it, i would be super excited! Its like erasing a curtain of certain doubt..

 

Right. YOU would be excited. But you have no idea how she will feel, as she isn't you.

[pteromom]

Again, im not laying out something where i envision something, and i get the exact opposite..

 

Im not being so absolute...

 

What i am trying to do i set up a series of ways in which i will proceed according to this or that..

 

In other words im just trying to stay true to my self, im not analyzing what she might be to that extent, because i dont know her, its part of the dating, but also part of it ( and this is where my idea comes in) is to at some point lay out these ground rules..

 

If that works for you, and makes you feel more in control of the situation, awesome.

 

As long as you go into it open to her opinions, I have no issue with you creating scenarios in your head and playing them out. We all cope in our own ways.

 

I would change your verbiage from "ground rules" to "my hopes and thoughts" or something though. Because "ground rules" makes it sound like if she has a differing opinion on this, it's a dealbreaker for you, without taking her opinion on it into account.

 

It could be that you integrating with her friends is VITAL to her, and it could be that she would want to date for months before even introducing you to them. You simply don't know yet.

[Swansea]

Okay, big problem:

You're insisting on looking at this from your PoV.

We're all telling you how we'd feel from OUR PoV, and you keep protesting that your way is logical, workable, sensible, forethought....

Ok, so date and take your own advice.

Don't listen to us.

 

But I guarantee it, you are really never going to get beyond first base with ideas like this.

 

Too heavy, too intense, too imposing, too.....

 

 

weird.

 

Just not the kind of discussion I'd want to be having with anyone at all - UNTIL I got to know what their friends were like.

 

 

"And you don't even know me - and you're putting forward conditions like that?

 

Nothing wrong with my friends, buddy, and if I want to socialise, and have dates when some of them may be included (because it could be my party or a celebration) then don't expect me to hang around with you alone, because it ain't gonna happen!"

 

 

See?And I would hazard an educated guess that most ladies would feel the same way - if you open with this kind of preamble during a first date.......

See but all those assumptions come from your own insecurity..

 

You think i would just put forward a sense of rules..but what i would say is something along the lines that id just would rather not play physc games like this or that and would prefer to let it all be natural, and to breath out anything wrong whenever we feel like instead of leaving it for guessing.

 

It is my pov, and infact i did make the thread to see your reactions and the problem is that you are against it because you dont quite understand what I'm saying imo or how im gonna say it, im surely not gonna come out like a dictator of some sort, i dont expect THAT much from society.

 

I'd lay it out in a smart way, if they understand it but dont agree, then its their problem and not mine, faking other wise would be lieing to myself and thats the first NO.

[TaraMaiden]

Again, im not laying out something where i envision something, and i get the exact opposite..

 

Im not being so absolute...

 

What i am trying to do i set up a series of ways in which i will proceed according to this or that..

 

In other words im just trying to stay true to my self, im not analyzing what she might be to that extent, because i dont know her, its part of the dating, but also part of it ( and this is where my idea comes in) is to at some point lay out these ground rules..

 

Okay, here are MY ground rules:

 

I have three cats, and they all sleep in my room with me.

I always spend every saturday afternoon with my sister, because we belong to a Judo class and we go to meditation classes afterwards.

I hate the colour green, and it looks dreadful on me, so i would rather, when we date that you never wore it, and if you have anything of that colour, then preferably, throw it away.

 

I always travel in the back of a car, because being in the front makes me sick.

I also want you to open doors for me, stand up when i come into the room, help me with my chair at all meals out (at home would be cool, too) and never serve milk at the table from the carton, but use a milk-jug.

 

 

How does that grab you?

[pteromom]

I'd lay it out in a smart way, if they understand it but dont agree, then its their problem and not mine, faking other wise would be lieing to myself and thats the first NO.

 

I agree with you, but the thing is, you would be "faking" based on how you feel and what you know in THIS moment.

 

After you ask her out and have some conversations with her and start learning who she is, you may find that your feelings or opinions about what a relationship with her "should" be changes a bit.

 

It's a good thing to have opinions and standards and to be true to them, but it's also good to let your mind and heart be open to trying on new opinions and seeing if they fit better than your old ones or not. That isn't being untrue to yourself - it's called growth.

[Swansea]

If that works for you, and makes you feel more in control of the situation, awesome.

 

As long as you go into it open to her opinions, I have no issue with you creating scenarios in your head and playing them out. We all cope in our own ways.

 

I would change your verbiage from "ground rules" to "my hopes and thoughts" or something though. Because "ground rules" makes it sound like if she has a differing opinion on this, it's a dealbreaker for you, without taking her opinion on it into account.

 

It could be that you integrating with her friends is VITAL to her, and it could be that she would want to date for months before even introducing you to them. You simply don't know yet.

Exactly, and i obviously wouldnt call them ground rules, but in my head they are so, but no demanding rules, as they are foundation if you will..

 

Foundation to have communcation where we can air our laundry and understand each other and whether we are right or wrong..

 

I assume you can see the big picture..

[TaraMaiden]

See but all those assumptions come from your own insecurity..

 

You think i would just put forward a sense of rules..but what i would say is something along the lines that id just would rather not play physc games like this or that and would prefer to let it all be natural, and to breath out anything wrong whenever we feel like instead of leaving it for guessing.

 

It is my pov, and infact i did make the thread to see your reactions and the problem is that you are against it because you dont quite understand what I'm saying imo or how im gonna say it, im surely not gonna come out like a dictator of some sort, i dont expect THAT much from society.

 

I'd lay it out in a smart way, if they understand it but dont agree, then its their problem and not mine, faking other wise would be lieing to myself and thats the first NO.

 

 

Dating so far has obviously been a resounding success for you....

 

You don't get it. And you don't get that you we get you don't get it.

 

Using this kind of approach, in whichever way you choose to say it - is not normal dating practice and will not secure you a successful date.

This is not what young ladies want to discuss, and frankly, the approach is just off the wall.

Whacky.

Odd-job.

Freaky.

 

Like I said - if you want to insist on using your approach - whatever that may be, however phrased, go right ahead.

 

You asked for feedback. we gave it.

You don't like it and insist your way is preferable.

 

Knock yourself out.

Be sure to let us know how it goes.....

[Swansea]

I agree with you, but the thing is, you would be "faking" based on how you feel and what you know in THIS moment.

 

After you ask her out and have some conversations with her and start learning who she is, you may find that your feelings or opinions about what a relationship with her "should" be changes a bit.

 

It's a good thing to have opinions and standards and to be true to them, but it's also good to let your mind and heart be open to trying on new opinions and seeing if they fit better than your old ones or not. That isn't being untrue to yourself - it's called growth.

 

Having an open mind is key indeed, or else delusion might occur.

 

But my only rule it self is..

 

JUST BE YOURSELF, DONT ACT LIKE SOMETHING ELSE TO MAKE THIS A KIND OF WAR WITH YOURSELF.

 

thats it.

[ChessPieceFace]

Even if you connect with someone's intellect, attraction mostly isn't about intellect. It's an animal, instinctual process. The more left-brained and clinical your approach is the more you'll be hampering any chemistry (whether or not that chemistry came from a "kit".) It's sad but that's how it is.

 

If you have requirements about what you like or don't like, you could find ways to express them that would appear more positive, or more negative. But if you start to express a lot of different requirements right away, you'll come off looking neurotic and loaded with baggage. Learn how to interpret and read people to see if they're going to be something you aren't compatible with... don't throw out a big list of compatibility requirements.

 

I would limit any kind of requirements out of the gate, let things happen as they happen (but you could give reactions to things you really don't like.) Most importantly don't hinge your whole happiness on one person or one date because that mindset alone will wreck it. Odds are it's not going to work even if you do everything right, most people aren't deeply compatible. Just try to have fun, be expressive and positive and not overthink things.