My ex definitely wants me back...BUT

[wildspaces]

Long story short, me and my ex broke up 2 months ago now, and we have been living on our own for three weeks. I have been dating someone new for over a month and that relationship has been going well. My ex has been more and more interested in dating me again, but he hasn't flat out declared his undying love. He's been saying that he doesn't feel like he has the right to ask for me back or fight for me, because I am now dating someone new. I told him that everyone always has the right to say what they feel. Well he finally came out and said that he wants me back and he thinks our relationship will be better than the one I have with this new guy. He wrote me an entire letter about all of his past regrets and things he plans on changing but he says he will give me the time I deserve to figure all of this out and he knows that he is springing this on me.

 

To be honest, I've moved on enough that I am now very confused and this is not an easy decision to make. I like the new guy enough to want to continue things with him, but I am not willing to completely give up a chance with my ex. I feel even worse that he has been on vacation for a week and knows nothing of the events with my ex.

 

My family says to make my ex wait and make sure he is not just doing this out of panic of being alone. Make him demonstrate the changes he plans to make somehow. I know if I get back with him it probably could be good and would lead to marriage and kids. So really this is kind of one of those big life decisions. Now, new guy is great but I'm pretty sure he has erectile dysfunction. It's been happening pretty regularly, and it's put a damper on our otherwise blossoming relationship. It's a lot to deal with so early on in a relationship, without a backbone, on top of the impending ex issues. Otherwise we are completely romantic together and he's opening up to me and he's great and I really would feel terrible hurting him. I wish there was a formula for choosing between two men! I am going to be seeing him tomorrow or Friday so I guess I will see how I feel after we reunite a bit. I am very worried about the ED thing as he is in his late 20s and it seems that he doesn't even acknowledge the importance of it, or that it is an issue affecting things with me. It doesn't help that I would love some great sex and I know I can get it with me ex. I know I'm terrible.

 

So have a free-for-all everybody? OH and Valentine's day just HAS to be coming up. The hardest part is that me and my ex are kind of in a beginning stage like I am with this guy, so both choices are risky. Our old relationship died, and I don't know fully what the new one would be like, but there have definitely been positive changes. Back when we broke up I was dying to work things out and now I'm in a whole new frame of mind. I also didn't seek out the new relationship, it just kind of happened and I couldn't not try it on for size. I definitely grieved my ex a LOT.

[LittleTiger]

....... but I am not willing to completely give up a chance with my ex.

 

There's your answer!

 

If you continue to get more deeply involved with a guy you are already having second thoughts about, then you are essentially giving up on your ex......and you've admitted that you're not willing to do that.

 

As for what your family said, yes, they could be right, but it sounds to me like you're the one who is afraid of being alone. You say you grieved for your ex a LOT and yet you were dating someone new within weeks of your break up? That doesn't sound like much grieving to me. Then you mention that it's Valentine's Day soon as though that is in any way relevant to your decision.

 

If you think you love your ex, give it another shot. It doesn't sound as though you have much to lose since you've only been dating the new guy a few weeks and he clearly doesn't rock your world.

[TaraMaiden]

Long story short, me and my ex broke up 2 months ago now......,.he finally came out and said that he wants me back and he thinks our relationship will be better than the one I have with this new guy.

 

Uh-oh....

RED FLAG. Great big one....

 

Stop right there.

 

Your ex is making moves on you Because you're dating again.

This isn't love. This is jealousy.

He doesn't want you back for you. He wants you back because you're with someone else.

 

How can a relationship with your ex- be better than this one? How would he know? You broke up for a reason, didn't you??

 

 

 

He wrote me an entire letter about all of his past regrets and things he plans on changing but he says he will give me the time I deserve to figure all of this out and he knows that he is springing this on me.

You need to stop a minute and do some research on this forum....

 

There are many people here who have split with their exes, and who feel they need to improve or change to get their ex back.

And they're always told: "You need to improve/change BEFORE anything like a reconciliation can be considered. Change first, for yourself, never for anyone else."

 

Your ex is saying, "Take me back, and I promise I'll change."

He needs to know it works the other way round. No change first? No meet up.

 

To be honest, I've moved on enough that I am now very confused and this is not an easy decision to make. I like the new guy enough to want to continue things with him, but I am not willing to completely give up a chance with my ex.

 

Naturally your ex- is messing with your head. But try to just clear it for a second, here....

How much - really - HONESTLY - how much do you like your new guy?

Can you see a future with him? Can you see yourself building a strong and confident relationship with him?

Or is he, do you think, a soft place to fall, a 'rebound'...?

Be fair.

Be fair to yourself, but above all, be fair to him.

Are you really connecting with him, or just gap-filling?

 

Read the first line of the paragraph above:

"To be honest I've moved on enough...."

 

Why be willing to be hauled backwards? Why be willing to be torn to bits again, by a man you've already left behind?

 

I feel even worse that he has been on vacation for a week and knows nothing of the events with my ex.

And are you going to be honest with him and let him know what's happened?

This would be a measure of in how much esteem you hold him.

 

 

My family says to make my ex wait and make sure he is not just doing this out of panic of being alone. Make him demonstrate the changes he plans to make somehow.

 

What a great and supportive family you have - and they're quite right of course. They see that if he has any chance at all of making a come-back, then he needs to put his money where his mouth is, BEFORE muscling back into your life.

Listen. To. Them.

They genuinely love you, care for you and want what's best, and they have it spot-on....

 

I know if I get back with him it probably could be good and would lead to marriage and kids.

 

 

No, sorry: You don't know that at all.

You broke up already, and there must have been a reason. Unless that reason is addressed head-on, it would just be same old same-old....

 

Here's something I wrote in someone else's thread yesterday - precisely in your situation:

You have to establish effective communication to discuss what exactly broke the relationship.

You both have to own your parts, and you both have to take responsibility, and you both have to work damn hard to modify and repair and make good whatever went wrong.

 

Remember:

"Finding" the problem isn't the hard work.

 

Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins.

 

And you have to both want to work equally hard.

you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level.

If one of you (partner #1) is in it 100% of your 50% - but the other (partner #2) is only in at 60%... then partner #1 can't make up the 40% shortfall on partner #2's half.

 

You need to do some straight talking and both accept responsibility for the previous failure. (Note: 'Responsibility' is not the same as 'blame'.)

 

You have to establish that you're both 'in it to win it' to the same degree.

because if you're not - then you need to stop. Right here.

 

....... Now, new guy is great but I'm pretty sure he has erectile dysfunction. It's been happening pretty regularly, and it's put a damper on our otherwise blossoming relationship. It's a lot to deal with so early on in a relationship, without a backbone, on top of the impending ex issues. Otherwise we are completely romantic together and he's opening up to me and he's great and I really would feel terrible hurting him.

Well this is a whole different issue, but that's between you guys. However, if it's already a problem, then it will continue to be a problem. It's on him to seek reason and remedy.

But honestly, with everything you have on your plate.... Your next point of dilemma brings up it's own solution:

 

I wish there was a formula for choosing between two men!

 

There is:

 

DON'T. DATE. EITHER. OF. THEM.

You need alone time, because you need to get your head clear and focus on yourself.

 

I am going to be seeing him tomorrow or Friday so I guess I will see how I feel after we reunite a bit. I am very worried about the ED thing as he is in his late 20s and it seems that he doesn't even acknowledge the importance of it, or that it is an issue affecting things with me. It doesn't help that I would love some great sex and I know I can get it with me ex.

OMG, Jeezuskerrist, listen to yourself.....

Look: in a nutshell, if he won't own it now, he never will. And if he doesn't accept that a remedy is required, then things will always be like this - and get worse. if you have a higher sex drive than he has, this situation is already on its knees.

I hate to say it, but I suggest you CALL him (please don't text!) and tell him you're breaking up because you're not over your ex- yet, and it's unfair on him to drag him along in pretence. Don't use the 'poor sex' as an excuse. Although if your ex wasn't on the scene, that would be an issue to consider dealing with head-on... but you really don't want to create more drama than necessary, right now.....

 

.....Back when we broke up I was dying to work things out and now I'm in a whole new frame of mind. I also didn't seek out the new relationship, it just kind of happened and I couldn't not try it on for size. I definitely grieved my ex a LOT.

 

You definitely need some 'alone' time. Away from 'new guy' (although I personally, in fairness, would end this one) and definitely away from the ex.

 

You haven't revealed WHY you broke up, but my guess is that as you grieved 'a LOT', it was he who initiated the break-up.

 

You need to know he's not trying to entice you back with a shed-load of breadcrumbs.

 

Please read the No Contact Guide in my signature (updated 2013) to get a clearer idea of what's happening.

The first post gives you the guide. The remainder of the thread will reveal what a bloody good guide it is, and how effective everyone KNOWS it is.

 

You need time alone, to heal, to think and to consider.

And your ex- is right in one thing:

 

You definitely need to think very, VERY carefully about taking him back.

Changes are needed. Before a reconciliation, not after.

Edited February 7, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[wildspaces]

Thanks to both of you that responded. I think it's funny how you want to eat your words on forums, because everything you say can be construed in a complete opposing manner to your original intention.

 

@LittleTiger - I truly am not afraid to be alone, I know it looks that way because I moved on with someone new after three weeks, but I had really been trying and trying in my relationship with my ex for months, so it was not really an automatic switch, it was the result of finally accepting it wasn't working at that time. I've dealt with a lot of grief in my life, I am VERY adapted to going through the stages in almost a lightning fast manner. I attribute this to being very emotionally developed due to my experiences. I don't think there is any right or wrong amount of time one should grieve and move on. I would not judge anyone for grieving quickly or taking their time. I had been grieving the situation for a while though, like I said, and when it ended I went through all of the emotions of it for two weeks straight, 24 hours a day. After that I literally felt like I was 100% okay to accept all of it and then the new guy presented himself a little after that. I also rarely get strong feelings for people, so I was really surprised by how much I felt I should explore things with him. I do not consider him a rebound, despite what anyone thinks. I didn't go in with that intention and I don't consider him a rebound now either. I am the type of person who grabs life by the balls and tries to live every moment in the present to the fullest. I think we are social creatures, and at this point in my life there is a natural high desire to create intimate relationships with people. I feel that that will always be a priority for me. I found a lot of security and trust in myself coming out of my relationship with my ex and I don't need a man to provide me with comfort, but I'm not going to deny myself of it either if it comes my way. I don't think that makes me stupid or weak. As long as you're not miserable yourself and relying on other people to make you happy and I don't think that I do.

 

Second point, I mentioned Valentine's Day because it will intensify feelings a bit as that day undeniably always does. It will leave someone in this situation feeling more lonely. I don't deny that my situation is a bit juvenile and that I don't sound a bit ridiculous. I am not someone who flocks to drama though and I have always been in steady long-term relationships, hence why I am so confused in this situation. I truly have to very seperate feelings for the both of them, despite how new the new guy is, I do think he's great and despite the ED he has been rocking my world with romance. Hence confusion.

 

@TaraMaiden - My ex is not making purely jealous moves on me, but it is why I told him I am taking more time to consider this, to make absolute sure of this. I will also take even more time after that to discuss issues in depth with him if I do plan to go the route of him and I again. We do not want to repeat history, and he just thinks we know each other better then I know the new guy and we have a stronger foundation to build on. He does respect that I may have stronger feelings for the new person and would support me if I chose to go with him instead.

 

My ex is not saying he will only start to change if I will take him back, he has already been making positive changes in his life that are noticeable and he is serious on making more even before we meet up. We both take full responsibility for the issues that occurred during our relationship and the reasons for why they occurred were mostly due to a lack of communication. Our communication now is completely reversed, open and healthy and this is a result of maintaining some contact, keeping the lines open to air dry the laundry. We did take periods of no contact, but they were just natural periods. Otherwise our relationship is now a stronger friendship. I know there are still things he would need to change and we would discuss this in depth, before entering a new relationship. I would not expect him to ever be completely changed 100%. People are always in development and I would only want him to continue making positive changes for himself. All I would expect is that he work hard to make positive changes for the benefit of the relationship as well and that I would do the same to meet him halfway. We would both need to consider each others' needs in a more balanced manner then before. Our growth has only been positive, which is why I feel there could be grounds for a new and better relationship.

 

I would not enter this new relationship with my ex if I thought I was going to be torn to bits. It is something I will very carefully consider if it goes that way. I do truly feel connected with this new guy in a very different way. I would not be seeing him if I didn't. I don't connect with anyone in a surface manner, it is always deep and involved. I want to be completely fair to him as well and I have been considering his needs A LOT, it's just hard since he's been away for a week and I want to talk to him in person about this. I have missed him, and we have a great rapport together, good chemistry, similar values, ideas etc. I definitely have to consider my future with him a little more deeply because of the ED issues etc. but it is hard because I don't know him as well as my ex and I have not seen him for a bit.

 

I do truly believe that it would lead to marriage and kids with my ex. There were no irreconcilable differences between us in that regard, just a need for him to match my efforts and to deal with himself a little and communicate. Patterns of behavior that you get stuck in, in a long-term relationship when you have people of different upbringings etc. If he had shot them down all of this time and blamed me, I wouldn't be giving him any consideration. It is quite the opposite, he has been taking a lot of responsibility.

 

It would be quite a shock to the new guy if I said I needed a break from him because things were going along rather swimmingly with us and we were both excited about it. He would probably take it as a sign that I was no longer interested and he would move on. Girls have treated him rather poorly in the past so he has a lot of insecurity because of it. I know it sounds selfish to lead him on for another week while I ponder this out (and believe me I'm not sure that I'll be able to) but nothing has happened yet, in terms of decisions and I feel like any one false move will bring everything crashing down prematurely. I just want a chance to get my head around it and try to keep things with my ex separate from him. I want to discuss what he sees in the future for himself, and possibly what I really think of the ED issue. I think at 29 years old he really needs to consider seeing a doctor about it, if not for me for himself. I could even indicate a medical issue, and embarrassing as it is if it's happening 50% of the time, then you should want to do something about it.

 

Then at least I can make a more informed decision for myself, because ultimately it will be my decision in the end. I do not plan on seeing the new guy everyday, but I want to see him back from his trip because it's hard to judge otherwise. Then I might just say I need some space on the weekend to study and figure it all out for myself. I don't plan on keeping this from him or lying to him indefinitely. I'm not a terrible person like that.

 

Hey, I may look back on these posts and realize the answers were right in front of me and I was complicating things unnecessarily but sometimes in the midst of everything you see fog.

 

PS. I don't believe in the no contact rule unless you truly need time to heal from the breakup. If you are able to establish a healthier (key word) relationship/friendship with an ex sometimes it works out for the better. Every two people are different.

[Coping Vortex]

Thanks to both of you that responded. I think it's funny how you want to eat your words on forums, because everything you say can be construed in a complete opposing manner to your original intention.

 

@LittleTiger - I truly am not afraid to be alone, I know it looks that way because I moved on with someone new after three weeks, but I had really been trying and trying in my relationship with my ex for months, so it was not really an automatic switch, it was the result of finally accepting it wasn't working at that time. I've dealt with a lot of grief in my life, I am VERY adapted to going through the stages in almost a lightning fast manner. I attribute this to being very emotionally developed due to my experiences. I don't think there is any right or wrong amount of time one should grieve and move on. I would not judge anyone for grieving quickly or taking their time. I had been grieving the situation for a while though, like I said, and when it ended I went through all of the emotions of it for two weeks straight, 24 hours a day. After that I literally felt like I was 100% okay to accept all of it and then the new guy presented himself a little after that. I also rarely get strong feelings for people, so I was really surprised by how much I felt I should explore things with him. I do not consider him a rebound, despite what anyone thinks. I didn't go in with that intention and I don't consider him a rebound now either. I am the type of person who grabs life by the balls and tries to live every moment in the present to the fullest. I think we are social creatures, and at this point in my life there is a natural high desire to create intimate relationships with people. I feel that that will always be a priority for me. I found a lot of security and trust in myself coming out of my relationship with my ex and I don't need a man to provide me with comfort, but I'm not going to deny myself of it either if it comes my way. I don't think that makes me stupid or weak. As long as you're not miserable yourself and relying on other people to make you happy and I don't think that I do.

 

Second point, I mentioned Valentine's Day because it will intensify feelings a bit as that day undeniably always does. It will leave someone in this situation feeling more lonely. I don't deny that my situation is a bit juvenile and that I don't sound a bit ridiculous. I am not someone who flocks to drama though and I have always been in steady long-term relationships, hence why I am so confused in this situation. I truly have to very seperate feelings for the both of them, despite how new the new guy is, I do think he's great and despite the ED he has been rocking my world with romance. Hence confusion.

 

@TaraMaiden - My ex is not making purely jealous moves on me, but it is why I told him I am taking more time to consider this, to make absolute sure of this. I will also take even more time after that to discuss issues in depth with him if I do plan to go the route of him and I again. We do not want to repeat history, and he just thinks we know each other better then I know the new guy and we have a stronger foundation to build on. He does respect that I may have stronger feelings for the new person and would support me if I chose to go with him instead.

 

My ex is not saying he will only start to change if I will take him back, he has already been making positive changes in his life that are noticeable and he is serious on making more even before we meet up. We both take full responsibility for the issues that occurred during our relationship and the reasons for why they occurred were mostly due to a lack of communication. Our communication now is completely reversed, open and healthy and this is a result of maintaining some contact, keeping the lines open to air dry the laundry. We did take periods of no contact, but they were just natural periods. Otherwise our relationship is now a stronger friendship. I know there are still things he would need to change and we would discuss this in depth, before entering a new relationship. I would not expect him to ever be completely changed 100%. People are always in development and I would only want him to continue making positive changes for himself. All I would expect is that he work hard to make positive changes for the benefit of the relationship as well and that I would do the same to meet him halfway. We would both need to consider each others' needs in a more balanced manner then before. Our growth has only been positive, which is why I feel there could be grounds for a new and better relationship.

 

I would not enter this new relationship with my ex if I thought I was going to be torn to bits. It is something I will very carefully consider if it goes that way. I do truly feel connected with this new guy in a very different way. I would not be seeing him if I didn't. I don't connect with anyone in a surface manner, it is always deep and involved. I want to be completely fair to him as well and I have been considering his needs A LOT, it's just hard since he's been away for a week and I want to talk to him in person about this. I have missed him, and we have a great rapport together, good chemistry, similar values, ideas etc. I definitely have to consider my future with him a little more deeply because of the ED issues etc. but it is hard because I don't know him as well as my ex and I have not seen him for a bit.

 

I do truly believe that it would lead to marriage and kids with my ex. There were no irreconcilable differences between us in that regard, just a need for him to match my efforts and to deal with himself a little and communicate. Patterns of behavior that you get stuck in, in a long-term relationship when you have people of different upbringings etc. If he had shot them down all of this time and blamed me, I wouldn't be giving him any consideration. It is quite the opposite, he has been taking a lot of responsibility.

 

It would be quite a shock to the new guy if I said I needed a break from him because things were going along rather swimmingly with us and we were both excited about it. He would probably take it as a sign that I was no longer interested and he would move on. Girls have treated him rather poorly in the past so he has a lot of insecurity because of it. I know it sounds selfish to lead him on for another week while I ponder this out (and believe me I'm not sure that I'll be able to) but nothing has happened yet, in terms of decisions and I feel like any one false move will bring everything crashing down prematurely. I just want a chance to get my head around it and try to keep things with my ex separate from him. I want to discuss what he sees in the future for himself, and possibly what I really think of the ED issue. I think at 29 years old he really needs to consider seeing a doctor about it, if not for me for himself. I could even indicate a medical issue, and embarrassing as it is if it's happening 50% of the time, then you should want to do something about it.

 

Then at least I can make a more informed decision for myself, because ultimately it will be my decision in the end. I do not plan on seeing the new guy everyday, but I want to see him back from his trip because it's hard to judge otherwise. Then I might just say I need some space on the weekend to study and figure it all out for myself. I don't plan on keeping this from him or lying to him indefinitely. I'm not a terrible person like that.

 

Hey, I may look back on these posts and realize the answers were right in front of me and I was complicating things unnecessarily but sometimes in the midst of everything you see fog.

 

PS. I don't believe in the no contact rule unless you truly need time to heal from the breakup. If you are able to establish a healthier (key word) relationship/friendship with an ex sometimes it works out for the better. Every two people are different.

 

I might be in the minority here but i would try to make it work with your ex. So many great relationships have been thrown off course because of the wrong thing said or something not said. Just like everyone is told to make the marriage work at all costs, i say the thing with people that are dating unless you truly fall out of love for that person. Too many times the GIGS kicks in and some great relationships get split apart.

 

I am going through the same thing if I had listened to my ex to what she was trying to tell me I would still be with her now. she is with a new guy and we are trying to hopefully piece us back together but she cannot give up the new guy yet to see if we really do have a second chance. But that adds such a strain in trying to get us back to where we were. I fear we never will. If this guy was never in the picture we could have been happy for sure. My ex confirmed that too.

 

Don't let it die if you still feel it.

[wildspaces]

Thanks a lot for that insight. I am still as confused as ever, but the new guy is back and I've been honest with him and am currently navigating what it means for us as a separate relationship from me and my ex. He's hurt and confused but ultimately I think it's best that I was honest with him. It felt truly wrong that I wasn't for a couple of days while he was still away. I am going to see him, but I will then take a break from both and ride out this storm by myself and figure things out a bit.

 

Problem is new guy has now thrown around the love word a bit. That's a pretty big declaration. I guess it's not a problem per se.. but it makes it more complicated. My ex has alluded to the same thing. I really just need to figure out what it is that I feel.

 

sigh .....It's not like the movies....

[mammasita]

Broken up two months ago and dating someone else for over a month. How long exactly did that leave you to grieve your relationship and be with yourself? Not long enough.

 

My recommendation is to date neither of them.