Eternal Sunshine Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 no jealousy when seeing couples, no sadness about romantic holidays (like V day), nothing about others getting engaged, married or having kids? The reason I ask is because whenever I mention this to anyone, they think I am lying to make myself appear stronger or something. They even say, "nobody in their right mind can feel that way". Well, I genuinely do. I would be the first in line to whinge if it wasn't so I may feel differently at some point in the future or I may not. I am losing patience with people viewing this as abnormal. Just wondering if there are others out there in the same place.... 5
Anela Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I used to be that way, and I still am when I'm aware that being in a relationship won't necessarily make me happier - it would be nice with the right person, but there are things it wouldn't fix.
Clockwork Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 With me I always had a hope to be with someone when I was single. I don't think it was jealousy, but more or less the hope that someday I would find that special someone. I was at a friend's wedding in 2006 and wondered when my time would come. Three weeks later I met who would eventually be my wife and the couple who got married are now divorced. It just goes to show you that you are best to hold out until the right one comes along. If you have no jealousy or envy then I think that's a good thing. Envy is a very strong sin and nothing good comes from it. 1
writergal Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) I've always been that way -- not jealous when my friends are married or dating someone. Other people's relationships don't bother me at all because they have nothing to do with me. I'm happy for people who are coupled. I'm single right now and have been for about four years. During that time quite a few friends got married but that never bothered me. But I do think couples and singles sometimes can and do view each other with glares over this very subject. Like, each is jealous of what they perceive the other to have: the person in a relationship thinks single people have more freedom or "no strings attached," whereas the single person views someone in a couple as fortunate to have a companion for holidays, work and family events, and birthdays. I'm not saying that everyone thinks that way, but many people do. I think it's weird that people make assumptions the way they do, and that those assumptions are allowed to persist and grow into stereotypes that induce shame in either being single or in a relationship. You just can't win either way. You know? Does that make any sense? In other words, no, I don't think that it's abnormal *not* to be jealous when seeing couples. I think that perspective is perfectly normal. Edited February 7, 2013 by writergal 4
stevie_23 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Right now I feel sad when I see couples holding hands or whatever, but only because I've just gone through a break up and so I miss THAT specific person I was with 2 months ago. I have never understood, for me personally, the appeal of being with someone simply so you're NOT single. If you are in love with someone then WOO HOO! Congratulations on being in a happy relationship! But if you're single, why would you PREFER to be in a relationship simply to be IN one, as opposed to being single? You know what I mean? They're both sort of equal in my view. If you're single, it's usually because you don't have anyone you'd PREFER to be with at that time, and you're happy just being by yourself and not in a relationship. You don't have to answer to anyone, you can do what you want, etc. The world is open. If you WANT to be with a specific person you love, then yes, be in a relationship. It's the best situation for those feelings you have. But it's all about the person in my opinion. No person? No relationship. Happily single. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Right now I feel sad when I see couples holding hands or whatever, but only because I've just gone through a break up and so I miss THAT specific person I was with 2 months ago. I have never understood, for me personally, the appeal of being with someone simply so you're NOT single. If you are in love with someone then WOO HOO! Congratulations on being in a happy relationship! But if you're single, why would you PREFER to be in a relationship simply to be IN one, as opposed to being single? You know what I mean? They're both sort of equal in my view. If you're single, it's usually because you don't have anyone you'd PREFER to be with at that time, and you're happy just being by yourself and not in a relationship. You don't have to answer to anyone, you can do what you want, etc. The world is open. If you WANT to be with a specific person you love, then yes, be in a relationship. It's the best situation for those feelings you have. But it's all about the person in my opinion. No person? No relationship. Happily single. Absolutely. I agree with you. I have seen so many people get to 30-32 or so and then marry the first person that comes along for the fear of "ending up alone". Then they complain about being unhappy etc etc. I would also prefer that people just let me be! As in, couples feel this need to set me up with people I have no interest in. Because it's "good for me" Yet, I never criticize their choices in life... Maybe it's not even being single as much as :"I know what I am looking for and I will be holding out until I find it" (or it finds me). And if that never happens, I know I will be perfectly OK too 1
writergal Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Maybe it's not even being single as much as :"I know what I am looking for and I will be holding out until I find it" (or it finds me). And if that never happens, I know I will be perfectly OK too That is the right attitude to have. The next time your friends try to set you up on a date "for your benefit," and you don't want to participate, then don't. There is nothing in the friendship rulebook that says that you have to do what your friends say all the time. As long as you are okay with "you," that's all the matters in the run, ES. It doesn't matter (nor should it) what anyone else thinks. 2
BehindBlueEyes Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 At times like I am in now when getting over crushes and the like I do feel envy and jealousy . My post history can attest to that. the other times I still feel that way except not as intense. I'd say 85% of the time I am envious and feel sadness that I am not in a loving relationship and seeing those who are. I also get happy when one of those loving relationships I see aren't as loving as I thought. Like the "perfect couple" splitting up cause he cheated on her or something...it makes me happy and makes me feel happier to be single. Sick eh? It isn't abnormal and the people who say it is, are ignorant idiots. Erase them from your life, E_S.
carhill Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Is there anyone that's single and feels... no jealousy when seeing couples, no sadness about romantic holidays (like V day), nothing about others getting engaged, married or having kids? Knowing the realities of marriage, I'm happy and hopeful for those who find personal fulfillment, happiness and familial success in such relationships. IMO, that was an evolutionary process, with death and divorce putting the final icing on the cake. In the past, it (not being jealous, seeing success as a positive, etc) was a thought process; now it exists at a more basic emotional level. I think watching the love and care spouses showed towards their terminally ill life partners during the years I visited my mom at the dementia facility really drove the emotional part home. In total, I've been 'single' as an adult, off and on, for a bit over 20 years, so have plenty of anecdotes to draw upon. YMMV. 1
todreaminblue Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) I dont get jealous i love to see happy relationships gives me hope actually, makes em feel hopeful and i always smile, sometimes i might get a little sad especially when i am walking by myself and it's couples night on the esplanade, i get sad because it makes me look at why i am alone,and I would love to sit with a special someone and look at the stars when it is a clear night, i actually found a shopping trolley made of stars on a clear night, now i see it everytime the stars are out, i havent been able to show someone that yet, see if they can see it or am i hallucinating, for now ill believe its a shopping trolley not sad about the couples or jealous of them, and i havent really had a lot of hand holding in my relationships, so it is sweet to see affection and love being shown...no jealousy just a tinge of sadness about me not them,I have seen three shooting stars on the pier and walking to the pier, not all on the same night over the course of months i have seen them, it would have been awesome to see it with someone who i love,and have something to share, to smile about...... I dont need a relationship for a relationships sake.....I miss loving someone who loves me, not sure if i have even had that completely yet, that then is something, where i can say maybe one day that person who is right for me is going to come along and the best days of a relationship that is good and monogamous are ahead of me........i have no reason to be jealous just hopeful Edited February 7, 2013 by todreaminblue
Anela Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I don't feel jealous, either. I have felt sad, but then I've never had that.
SmileFace Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 People happiness has never made a difference to me. I don't really care to be in a relationship and rather it just happen. When I see really good relationships I more hope mine is like that as well but I don't feel jealous since I think there is a time for everything. However when I do see people's ****ty relationship I am actually happy that I am single and don't have to deal with that - I try to keep that emotion low since I will continue to only dismiss relationships on that premise. 1
clia Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I'm in a relationship now, but have had quite a bit of single time in the past, and I actually enjoyed being single. In some ways, I vastly prefer it to being in a relationship. It's always a huge adjustment for me to get used to "relationship mode" again. I completely get where you are coming from -- I have never been jealous of people getting married, or in relationships, or seeing couples around. But then again, I have never had any burning desire to get married, live with someone, or have children. All of that just isn't all that important to me. Yes, I can appreciate being in a relationship, but I also don't mind at all being single and having to do things on my own. The reason I ask is because whenever I mention this to anyone, they think I am lying to make myself appear stronger or something. They even say, "nobody in their right mind can feel that way". I actually think people who enjoy being single and can see the positives to it are stronger people in some ways. The people who say these kinds of things are typically people who feel they have to have a relationship or be dating someone and need that external validation. I don't need that -- I can find it in myself, and be happy with myself regardless of whether or not I have a boyfriend. I think there is a lot to be said for being able to enjoy life on your own, without having to have a relationship. I feel so sorry for the many people who post on the boards here who feel their life is over because they can't find a relationship. Anyway, I get you -- but people like us are in the minority. 1
AKisBaked Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Right now I feel sad when I see couples holding hands or whatever, but only because I've just gone through a break up and so I miss THAT specific person I was with 2 months ago. I have never understood, for me personally, the appeal of being with someone simply so you're NOT single. If you are in love with someone then WOO HOO! Congratulations on being in a happy relationship! But if you're single, why would you PREFER to be in a relationship simply to be IN one, as opposed to being single? You know what I mean? They're both sort of equal in my view. If you're single, it's usually because you don't have anyone you'd PREFER to be with at that time, and you're happy just being by yourself and not in a relationship. You don't have to answer to anyone, you can do what you want, etc. The world is open. If you WANT to be with a specific person you love, then yes, be in a relationship. It's the best situation for those feelings you have. But it's all about the person in my opinion. No person? No relationship. Happily single. Simply said. I'm single just broke up with a girl that I dated 3 years ago, took me about 2 months to get over it and i'm doing pretty good. Life isn't bad with not being with someone.
Luckydad Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 My happiness is the result of a choice I made 3 years ago this month. That choice was to take a "sabbatical". No dates, no social interaction, no time or effort spent in pursuit of anything whatsoever regarding the opposite sex. I'm 4.5 years divorced from an 18 year relationship, with 2 teenaged kids who I devote all of my spare time to, and don't want anyone else taking thier time away from me. Initially, I intended on this only lasting one year. At the 12 month anniversary of my decision however, I found that my life was simpler and committed to another 4 years of "monkdom". My youngest will be 18 by then and if I'm not too used to the freedom and drama-free aspects of my life, I may entertain the thought of pursuing a relationship. Or I may not. Either way, I'm happy and don't have to feel like I need someone in my life to make me happy. Seeing happy couples and being alone on Valentines day, ect, does not make me sad or lonely. I take great strength in staying true to my commitment and don't let external pressures from family, friends, or society in general influence me. 1
trevzilla Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) Been single for nearly 5 years and I still feel sad when I'm out and about because it seems most people seem to be able to find a partner fairly easily. Just makes me think I'm defective. I've stopped trying but it doesn't make it less painful although there are days when I accept it and I'm okay, but I still have my dark days where I feel like what's the point in my lonely life and always coming home to an empty apartment. I thought that if I had enough friends it would be okay, but friends are generally unreliable and eject as soon as they have a woman in their life, so I can't make them fast enough to keep up with the ones who disappear. I have one Aunt in town and see her once every month or two as she's busy with her life. I've never felt so isolated since my mom passed away and my marriage ended. I started going to church again, which helps and it was time for me to return, but that makes it the loneliness worse a lot of the time. Every Church outing I go to or home group is just a bunch of married couples and me, ughh. If I were in my 20s it would be great as there are lots of pretty 20s girls at church, but for a 42 year old, your kind of a misfit. Valentines exacerbates it a bit, but really it's just another day of the year. People are being romantic with each other year round. Guess I'm back on LS because I had a bad weekend. Long weekends are tough as it's an extra day without work keeping me busy. There's nothing abnormal about feeling heartache and loneliness when you have no one in your life. We're human and we are very social. It varies from person to person and some are fine with the solitary life, but in general social interaction and love is a healthy part of life. Edited February 12, 2013 by trevzilla
crude Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Well, I genuinely do. I would be the first in line to whinge if it wasn't so I could never be envious of people who have what I don't want. Their attitude comes from the arrogance of being able to dish it out but never have to take it. Not many single people ever tell married people that their choice of spouse sucks, their children are disgusting ingrates and retards, and they're glad they would never build their lives around substandard family like that. Single people always say "you're so lucky, what a wonderful family", even when they're thinking the opposite. Meanwhile, the smug married types can take pot shots at single people with impunity.
nessaaa Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Honestly, if i was one of those married people id look at single ppl and feel jealousy. Like how could i be jealous of someone whose tied down?- being single is better than being married and having kids< its 2013 **** that traditional ****. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted February 15, 2013 Author Posted February 15, 2013 I enjoy the simplicity of my single life. I look forward to weekends where I can do anything I want. I also realize looking back, that the happiest times of my life were when I was not romantically involved. I think it's just my personality type. I have not met many people like this. I do think there is a small possibility that I haven't met the right person, but it's really hard to imagine enjoying spending time with someone more than I enjoy spending time by myself. Not to mention other complications that relationships bring and I am already getting a headache. I have also noticed that with anyone in my life, even friends, they want more from me than what I am prepared to give. They want more frequent communication, more time spent to together etc and it's always me holding them at arm's length. Even people I genuinely really like. 1
Shardish Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 Everyday when I awake, I turn on the television and watch the news and I am met with headlines of death, destruction and immorality, so when I see two people walking hand in hand or a family happy together playing in a park, it just reinforces my strong felt belief that there is just as much good in this world as there is bad. So, no I don't feel bitterness or jealousy when I see such things, I see greatness, happiness and wonder in such things and I'd be blessed to experience the same things that those people experience, though if it never materialises in such a way then I will look back on my life with no regrets, because despite my lack of success in this area of my life, I have had a pretty good life so far and I have bright ambitions for my future.
KungFuJoe Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 As somebody who has eaten the grass on virtually every side of every fence, I've come to the conclusion that no one state is really any better than the other. When you're single, you can do whatever you want, you don't have to be home by a certain time, you don't have to meet anybody else's expectations, you don't have to make somebody else happy or sacrifice things you like for somebody else, or deal with somebody else's BS. When you're married or in a serious relationship, you (hopefully) have all kinds of different support that you would never have being single. I'm as independent as they come, but there is something to be said for coming home after a s**tty day and having somebody curl up next to and talk to. And when you have kids, its the greatest relationship you could ever have, and every other relationship or hook-up or dating you get involved with seems trite by comparison. So, they're all different, they all have their +s and -s, and its likely that if you have any sort of functioning brain and perspective, you will never truly be completely happy with any of the above scenarios. Not sure what you're implying with this, but I've been married for over 10 years and I have three kids and I don't suffer from gigs at all...not even remotely close.
Mr Scorpio Posted February 16, 2013 Posted February 16, 2013 (edited) no jealousy when seeing couples, no sadness about romantic holidays (like V day), nothing about others getting engaged, married or having kids? Before I had ever had a relationship, I would experience sadness. Post-relationship? Doesn't bother me one bit. It is like I said in the coping forum: everytime I see a guy being led like cattle down a grocery-store aisle with a cart full of screaming children on Friday night and slow-death in his eyes, I nod inwardly. If anything, being around a bunch of cute-single women would conjour up negative emotions, but that is just motivation. Edited February 17, 2013 by Mr Scorpio
pbjbear Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) Didnt read all the replies, just the OP. I genuinely do not feel jealousy for most couples I see. There are a few rare ones that have an awesome relationship Im jealous of (meaning I have moments of jealousy, not a constant state) but otherwise no. Most of the people I know in relationships arent super happy but are content with things because getting a divorce is too much of a hassle, or they hate being alone, or they just think they will never find somebody else. Also, I am in my 20's and I know the probability of most relationships around me ending up happily ever after is not likely to happen. People think youre faking it because most people arent secure enough in themselves to be alone and happy about it so they figure everyone else is the same. Go you... I have chosen by choice to be single for the past 6 months. I have turned down dates and told people Im not looking to date anybody at all. Ive been much happier. Most guys today are a headache and I find many my age (mid 20's) to be leeches. Once you get involved they expect me to put in most the effort and feel entitled to it. I come to this site to pass time when Im bored and like reading about other peoples stories and their thoughts and such. Edited February 19, 2013 by pbjbear
Radu Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 no jealousy when seeing couples, no sadness about romantic holidays (like V day), nothing about others getting engaged, married or having kids? The reason I ask is because whenever I mention this to anyone, they think I am lying to make myself appear stronger or something. They even say, "nobody in their right mind can feel that way". Well, I genuinely do. I would be the first in line to whinge if it wasn't so I may feel differently at some point in the future or I may not. I am losing patience with people viewing this as abnormal. Just wondering if there are others out there in the same place.... I'm a loner, an introvert ... i'm not that bothered by spending holidays alone. I used to be, but if there is one good thing that came out of my depression is that i got used to this. I do get annoyed when family/friends make plans that depend on me being alone on the holidays without asking first if i will, assuming i won't have something/someone to do. Other than that, i'm not bothered that much.
Recommended Posts