Should I get a divorce?

[blueapple]

This is long, but hopefully the full story helps. Putting it all out there...

 

My husband and I have been together for eight years and married for five. We met when we were 16. My husband has never had another girlfriend or lover in his life other than me. He was my first, but in HS I continued to date around. My family and friends have never liked my husband, but he is just very introverted and not social. When we were teens we were banned from seeing each other because my family didn’t like the part of town he was from. It’s taken a lot to overcome their rejection and finally get friendliness about the relationship from them.

 

After HS we moved out together and I cheated on him a few times, but he still stayed with me. A big reason that we moved so fast and got so close so quickly was because I was in a bad home situation as a teenager. My mom was an abusive alcoholic and my husband (then boyfriend) was my escape and way out. He slowly started to become abusive though in the way that he spoke to me and sometimes physically acted. Abuse usually starts to occur when drugs and/or alcohol are involved, but he doesn't drink and has never done drugs.

 

We bought a house together at 18 years old, were working all the time and were extremely broke. Right after buying the house we found out that I was pregnant. We obviously were not ready for a baby and couldn’t afford to have one because we couldn’t even afford the life we were already in so we had an abortion.

 

With the financial struggle we were in we became very unhappy, never saw each other, and always fought. I decided to start going to college in attempt to get into a better life situation. The fighting continued and the debt kept growing. My husband can be controlling and manipulative when we are arguing and he has to get his way. Sometimes he threatens to do outrageous things if I don’t comply like kill himself, crash his car, act out and get fired, etc. I started to have some major issues with anxiety and a fear of germs that had grown out of control. This only made our lives harder because I relied on my husband to clean and help me with this OCD nightmare sickness I suffered from. He started to resent me and become more abusive and I started to resent him more for being abusive. I was very depressed and I would always tell him that the second that I was done with my degree I would leave him because I thought that was the only thing tying me to him. I couldn’t go to school without relying on him financially.

 

After a few years of this mess, the economy crash had taken everything we had. We went bankrupt, got rid of the cursed house and moved to a nice apartment across town. It ended up being a good thing. Things started to seem better because we weren’t struggling financially anymore. But after that honeymoon phase my husband’s abusive tendencies came back to haunt us. I didn’t want to put up with it anymore and we separated after the cops were called during a fight we had. Still suffering from my anxiety disorder, I couldn’t fully detach from him. I still needed him to stop by to help me with things that are simple for normal people, but at the time impossible for me. This would include laundry, bathroom cleaning, dishes, etc. It made me feel like crap, but having a psychological disorder isn’t a choice. He didn’t want to come help me because it only made the separation more difficult, but did it anyway.

 

In my grieving process while separated I was not in the best state of mind. I felt the common “daddy issue” feelings of not being loved and needing to be loved. I was lost. I found guys to date and started a relationship with one, but only for my own entertainment. Sadly this guy had taken the whole thing pretty seriously only to find out I was just messing with him. It wasn’t good and there’s probably some bad karma coming to me for that. But whenever this would happen my separated husband would still come over to wash my sheets.

 

After just a summer of somewhat being separated my husband and I got back together. He had made a list of promises; One being that he would lose weight since he had gained nearly 100 pounds since we got together while I had stayed the same. He said he would work on his anger problems and be more understanding of my anxiety disorder which I was working on and had made alot of progress with.

 

There was another honeymoon period where everything was better and he lost 70 pounds, was keeping calm and I wasn’t burdening him as much. Then after a year of that his anger started to come back and his promises were breaking one by one. Two years later there was a meltdown, but I’ll rewind to just a year after we had gotten back together. He had gained all his weight back and we were basically in the same place as before just without all the financial debt.

 

I had started to become very depressed because I was working and going to school full time. I eventually had to quit my full-time job to attend school full-time since my job was keeping me from focusing on my degree which was therefore taking forever (My job wouldn’t let me change to part-time hours). Financially we were now able to live on one income and my degree was more important. Without having a job on top of school I began to feel a lot of pressure from myself to take a lot of classes and I just burned myself out. After a semester of an over-full time class load with straight A’s I took another semester-full hoping for the same outcome. With my entire focus on school, the entire thought of having a family had left my mind and that had been a binding factor between my husband and I for many years. We loved to think about starting a family because I always wanted to be a mom. Now it was school and career only so my relationship with my husband began to feel even more thinning and unnecessary.

 

Midway through my second full on semester I started to lose my way and found myself being hit on in class by an attractive guy. My husband was no longer attractive and didn’t care. I resented him for this so I let this other guy flirt with me. One thing led to another and I was having an affair. It soon ended with that guy, but another guy quickly followed. I ended it with this guy as well, but it had been more serious and I felt depressed that he didn’t want to pursue me or have anything to do with me after I told him I was going to work on things with my husband. Going into these affairs trying to feel better of course left me feeling worse again. I told my husband about the affairs and he turned into the Hulk in a violent outbreak of anger smashing things and throwing me. I still have a scar where he strangled me with a cord. I went into a deep depression and attempted to slit my wrists. My husband stopped me and I checked myself into a psych ward. After being there for only a couple days I realized it wasn’t helping. The place was completely unorganized and basically just a fancy babysitting center where it was impossible to hurt yourself. There wasn’t anything to do there so I checked myself out after four days. I did continue to go to therapy though (don’t worry). When I got out my husband took a week off from work to spend time with me and make sure I was okay, but I still didn’t feel right about our relationship. I ended up contacting an old HS boyfriend who I had cheated with before. I had another affair and the guy I chose was the one my husband hated the most out of any other guy I had ever been with.

 

My husband threatened to leave me but didn’t. We went to therapy and figured out that maybe I was so lost and depressed because I kept perusing paths that all along weren’t right for me. I had wanted to be a stay at home mom since HS, but it wasn’t an acceptable thing to do. My family is full of highly educated career driven people and to this day my mom still thinks that having kids is a mistake even if the person is 30 years old and has enough money.

 

So my husband and I went back to thinking about starting a family and began to plan it out. This brought us closer together again. We didn’t want to be impulsive and jump right into it though; I had just gotten out of apsych ward and we still had some issues to work out. We thought that in six months to a year we would start trying and until then we would work on things, learn and plan. Our rent was going up at our apartment so we thought we’d rent a house where we could have a family and a dog. Things were going better slowly. We soon moved into a house and got a puppy.

 

Then things started to go downhill again. The puppy was the worst dog I had ever encountered. She was a small dog so she was very fragile, but had a lot of energy. She would be constantly trying to hurt herself by smashing into everything. Every two hours she had to go potty and if I didn’t take her to go she would go potty wherever she happened to be whether it was in her bed or on the cat. I would wake up every two hours to take her potty. I had to watch her 24/7 so she wouldn’t chew anything up, hurt herself or pee anywhere; literally eyes on the dog 24/7. Whenever I would put her in her doggy pen she would scream so loud that the neighbors could hear. It sounded like I was beating her so I could never leave her. She never would sleep unless it was on top of me so I could never use the bathroom, shower or leave the room until my husband got home. It was torture. I put up with this for a week and then we had to find her a good home somewhere else because I was losing my mind. It was pretty sad, but this made me rethink having a baby quite a bit.

 

I know that a baby wouldn’t be THAT bad, but it still made me think about how tied down you get with kids. I always wanted to move somewhere else and travel. Having kids makes that really difficult. Being the dreamer I am, I had previously just thought that my dreams of traveling would all happen with or without kids. But, reality started to hit. I also had recently gotten closer to some of my cousins who had kids. Everyone has told me that their kids in particular are just out of control and most kids are not as strange as theirs, but being around them still made me not want kids.

 

So now we are living in this expensive house without a dog and without any intent on having a family, at least not for a while. Our lease isn’t up for a few months. I am going back to school full time again soon, but for now I am still at home alone most of the time. Part time jobs are hard to come by. Sometimes I get pretty depressed still. My husband and I are both worried about the future. He is getting abusive again and my anxiety disorder which I had gotten under control still sits just underneath the surface waiting to return. I feel like I am tired of being married because it is so much work. I don’t want to have sex with my husband anymore. He wants it ALL the time. He isn’t attractive or romantic. I can’t stand his angry side. He used to be romantic and he is still the nicest and most responsible, hard working guy I've ever met. He has never cheated and has always supported me. He is always hurt that I don’t want to have sex. He thinks I hate him and it is sad to me to be hurting him, but I feel like I would be better off breaking free from being in a relationship and just being independent and solo. I wouldn't be able to find another person who understands me like he does, but it wouldn't be my goal to find one. I am afraid to be alone though because I feel so dependent still. And I made the promise of marriage... Where do I go from here?

Edited February 7, 2013 by blueapple

[Mr. Lucky]

I stopped counting after the third time you cheated on him. Somehow, you see his physical abuse as wrong (which it is) but your unfaithfulness as excusable. Neither of you seems capable of sustaining a marriage and both might benefit from being on your own (and hopefully in counseling) while you deal with your issues...

 

Mr. Lucky

[blueapple]

I know that the cheating is bad. I just wonder if we should still try to keep this together because we've been through so much or if we're just forcing a relationship. My husband says we're in love and that he loves me all the time. He doesn't want to give up. I just don't know. We aren't the most functional that's for sure. If we are going to be together I don't want to grow apart by temp. separating. Separating sounds good and bad. But we also can't really afford to separate either. I would worry about him if we did separate too because of the threats in the past that he has made about suicide, etc.

 

We don't even have real conversations anymore... it's like we're roommates. It has started to give me panic attacks/anxiety (in a bad way) to be around him and I don't know why.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi BlueApple and sorry you are hurting at this time.

 

One word, Codependency! That is real culprit here, what you have written shows that you and husband before and after marriage have truly lived individual lives (sadly wracked with difficulties)......and then would come together to provide each comfort.

 

Neither of you make decisions from the perspective of spouse, so here comes the abuse: emotional (cheating) and physical (violence).

 

What I see is that many years ago 2 young people plagued with life's difficulties, formed a supportive friendship and went on to marry still remaining individuals....but have not yet to truly dealt with those old/original issues.

 

First order of business once and for all, is to deal with these old/issues.

 

Then you have 2 choices: work to become an authentic couple or end a co-dependent relationship that has gone on far too long.

 

Good luck. ~Mystery

Edited February 7, 2013 by Mystery2Me

[Gunny376]

Finding someone that YOU love, can love, be in love?

 

That's easy as waking up in the morning!

 

Finding someone that loves YOU!

 

Not such an easy thing to do!

 

Its hard, all day hard trying to find someone that loves you ~ I mean truly honest to God loves you for who you are, as your are, with all your own personal quirks and all! AS a matter of fact? Its down right near ~ next to impossible to find someone that's going to put up with any and all of your BS!

 

And then to have gone through any and all of the stuff that he's gone through with you?

 

And then to add the cherry to the top of the float? You've cheated on him not once, twice, but three or more times?

 

And your the one that's asking if you should divorce?

 

Absolutely!

 

There are a couple of things that you should know ~ that in the course of your life? You can find out the easy way or the hard way? The hard way is by educating yourself through the school of "Hard Knocks! There are just certain things ~ lessons in and of Life we all just have to learn.

 

You can learn OJT (On the Job Training) as you go along ~ or you can take and heed the words of those that are older. Or as my Pappy use to say? Take a fool's advice! (As in someone who's been there and back, come back again and went and come back again! )

 

The thing about fools is that you don't see too many Old Fools running around. You don't get to be old being a fool ~ Fools have a very low life expectancy!

 

With that said? The devil that you know is better than the devil that you is better than the one that you don't know! That Devil is a sly SOB! Once you've danced with him to the tune of his fiddle ~ you don't change him! He changes you!

 

Hands down! The first person that you marry is probally (barring any and all other kinds of "Yea Buts") the one person that your probally have the greatest chance and possibility of success with? Because after him/her? You've lost you navieness. You've lost your trustworthness of people, etc.

 

So what it all comes down to? Is a matter of "function" that is to say finding someone that day-to-day ~ when all things are said and done, taken into consideration? You can function with them, ~ and they can function with you. You may not be exactally "in tune" with them 24~7? You may not necessarly hit all eight cyclender everyday? But all in all? You and they make a functioning couple.

 

You find many parts of them awesome. The trick is to get them to work on the not so awesome parts of themselves because they want to, and for themselves and no one else?

 

The simpe truth of the matter is? Most people that you meet? There not the ones that are going to be the ones that you can "function" day-to-day with. There's not the ones that's going to put up with your OCD (and we all have our own versions of OCD) or anxiety disorder (and we all have those to!)

 

Men are like the Phillsbury Dough boy! You've got to get them to come out of their shell (can) and then you've got to mold them, kneed them, roll them, shape them. You've got to get all of the crap out of them that they think they know about women, dating, mating, romance, relationships, marriage that they learned growing up from their mothers, sisters, former girl friends, and for the most part from other absolute clueless men in the high school bathroom!

 

In short? You've got to educate them ~ you've got to motivate them to want to learn how to quit being a fool and get their happy azz back into school.

 

You've got to teach them why they don't have a clue and women need another pair of shoes ~ when they've already got about two hundred pair already? You've got to teach them that the reason their not getting enought sex is because your not getting enough love ~ attention ~ romance! You've got to teach them that the reason that you got with them in the first place was because of the way that the treated you when you first got with them.

 

You've got to teach them that you don't do the "anger" ~ violence thing! Mrs Gunny and I don't argue, (OK we did have a big blow out over some really expensive and imported olives! :o :laugh: ) She knows when my mind is made up on something and I say "I'm done!" that there's no reason going any further with it. She also knows that I may go a day or two, a week or two, a month or two on most things ~ (about 99%) and that I will go along with it ~ I just need some time to wrap my head around it. Usually that has to do with her wanting to do something or give something for me?

 

I would say that you need to stay with him, that you and he need to get some IC and MC, and really get down to the basic of learning how to meet and fulfills each others need. All of these affairs you've been in are really just short term answers and solutions to long term problems! Aren't you tired of being someone's booty call?

[Yasuandio]

The only thing I can add to the great advice you have received, especially from Gunny is as follows:

 

1. You may have aleady blown it by having these dumb affairs and then confessing them. Your husband will always remember them like a thorn in his foot. They are probably going to come back and haunt you as the years go by. Perhaps he will even feel entitled to have revenge affairs when he gets aggravated with your issues.

 

2. You sound like a very young woman. It is year 2013. Picture you life with hubby in 2023. Now try 2033. That is just 20 years. Marriage normally lasts longer than that. Do you want to be married to a guy that is 100 pounds over weight (that will always harbor resentment about your affairs) ten or twenty years from now? You know, it is certainly possible. I myself was married to a hostile little Natzi for 27 years before the divorce was final. It is a good time to ask yourself what kind of future like you want ot have.

[imtooconfused]

One word, Codependency! That is real culprit here, what you have written shows that you and husband before and after marriage have truly lived individual lives (sadly wracked with difficulties)......and then would come together to provide each comfort.

 

Then you have 2 choices: work to become an authentic couple or end a co-dependent relationship that has gone on far too long.

 

First, I am sorry for you that you are at a point that you have to come here for answers. But Mystery beat me to the punch.

 

It's impossible to say how far back to look for clues, but your relationship at this point in time is one of two mutually co-dependent individuals: He because you are the only woman he has really known, and you because you he is the only person who is there to take care of you throughout your emotional issues. On the other hand, it's not possible to call your relationship a couple because of his anger and your infidelity. So your relationship is one of two people who don't really want but rather need to be together.

 

Divorce is not the panacea it would appear. Unless and until you are personally able to resolve the dependency issues, you will always need him. This is to say that there is not likely to be another partner who will step in and replace his support for you. It sounds like you may have come to that conclusion yourself. You seem to recognize that at this point in time a relationship with someone else is not the answer and that some self-improvement emotionally might be a better plan.

 

If you do take the time to work on becoming more independent and able to support yourself emotionally, you will see your relationship in a completely different light, maybe good, or maybe bad. But you will be in a much better position to judge the qualities of your husband and your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

1. You may have aleady blown it by having these dumb affairs and then confessing them.

And if that didn't do it, having your husband come over and wash the sheets after probably sealed the deal .

 

You can't fix your relationship until you fix you. Cheating, depression, OCD, suicide attempts, sexual issues - this isn't minor stuff best served by input from strangers like me in an online forum. You need help and I truly hope you seek and receive it...

 

Mr. Lucky