stevie_23 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I wonder if I am doomed to ONLY ever fall for married men. I like nothing about the fact my ex-MM is married, at all. But my taste in men is… - Older (above 45 ideally) - Nice, courteous, generous, funny, intelligent, kind, supportive, encouraging, and who “clicks” with me - Fairly attractive, though it’s not really that important So any single guy of the above description is most likely a weirdo. Right? Cause why else would they not already be taken? Unless they’re divorced. But if it’s a recent divorce, I’d be concerned about being a rebound relationship. If it’s a long-ago divorce, I’d be concerned the guy was SO wounded by the breakdown of his marriage that our relationship would have problems. Ah the conundrums.
Woggle Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 But if they are cheating on their wives haven't they proved themselves untrustworthy? 2
Author stevie_23 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 OMG. See, this is my true issue. I did not even THINK of that!!! The only thing I thought about in terms of not wanting a married man was my OWN anxieties of having to share him and worrying he’d leave me because his wife found out. I didn’t even THINK that he’s capable of being a liar and a cheat! Wow. Wake up CALL! 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 LOL. Thus the cycle continues!! Just have a smile
Lillyfree Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 considering you've only been in same-sex relationships so far before falling for the xMM, could it be that they are the safe way for you to explore the other side of your sexuality?
Author stevie_23 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Yes, very much so. I’ve often wondered that. I wouldn’t call it “safe” anymore though. Not after the guilt I felt (and still feel) about cheating, and the hurt him leaving has caused me.
Lillyfree Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 what you've stated as criteria for a possible man is what stands for most of us...with the exception of specifying the age (45 or older). there are men with those qualities of younger age. although, even those that got to mid-late 30s could have the same issues you are worried about
Author stevie_23 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Oh, I know. I just for some reason feel inferior and intimidated and unattractive in the way I WANT to feel attractive when I imagine younger men (under 40+)
Journee Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Stevie, Are you considering having a relationship with a man now? Adding sexuality to the mix certainly must be stressful for you? Sexuality is so complex. It isn't black and white. I find it to be more fluid. I have wrestled with my own when I was single. I went to IC but could not bring myself to talk about it. I have come to terms with myself now. As far as the MM. Did you mean in a previous post that you would not be attractive to younger men or YOU are not attracted to younger men.
Author stevie_23 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Not really considering it. Just kind of…musing. Dwelling. Wondering. Projecting way into the future I suppose. I don’t want to have another affair. I love my partner and am just kind of…I don’t know. Being quiet for now. Thinking and working things out, but not acting on anything. I meant in my post that I would not FEEL attractive to younger men in the way I want to feel attractive to older men, AND I also don’t feel attracted to younger men. When I picture them, I can appreciate the youthful appeal, the fit body and all that. But…there’s just no INTEREST there. I feel bored, intimated and inferior. Unappealing in myself and I find them unappealing also. When I picture an older man, I feel safe, protected, comforted, attractive, desired, appreciated. And I feel attracted to that. To what I feel they can give me as opposed to a younger man.
MissBee Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I wonder if I am doomed to ONLY ever fall for married men. I like nothing about the fact my ex-MM is married, at all. But my taste in men is… - Older (above 45 ideally) - Nice, courteous, generous, funny, intelligent, kind, supportive, encouraging, and who “clicks” with me - Fairly attractive, though it’s not really that important So any single guy of the above description is most likely a weirdo. Right? Cause why else would they not already be taken? Unless they’re divorced. But if it’s a recent divorce, I’d be concerned about being a rebound relationship. If it’s a long-ago divorce, I’d be concerned the guy was SO wounded by the breakdown of his marriage that our relationship would have problems. Ah the conundrums. I don't think you are doomed. The only limiting aspect is 45 and older. Perhaps you could try opening your mind to dating men who are not in too strict of an age category. It is also false and flawed thinking that being single means something is wrong with you or else why wouldn't you be taken. I HATE that notion. It is really silly. By the way...not picking at you specifically, just saying people say this all the time but it's one of those "truisms" that is in fact false. Being married or in a relationship doesn't mean you're a great partner, wonderful person etc. People like all kinds...and from looking around this forum...clearly... There are perfectly lovely people who are single, who choose it and who are smart for it and many people in relationships to avoid loneliness or for reasons that do not notarize them as great catches. I learned that if you have a "type" but this type always comes with some drama or weird circumstance...example: married. That perhaps your type is a form of self-sabotage and expanding yourself to dating people you don't automatically think of as your "type" will open up doors for you a good relationship.
Author stevie_23 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Excellent post. I think I'm extremely limited in terms of my views of what men I find appealing because I've only ever been with ONE man, and he was 61, married, etc. So now because I'm still in love with him, I only can see myself being with other guys JUST like him. I think if I ever developed feelings for a younger guy, then it'd open my mind up and I'd lose that age restriction preference thing. I tend to think of myself as pretty open to everything, and I mean, my first partner was 3 months younger than me and my next partner (who I'm still with) is 17 years older than me. So...you know? Whatever. Age is but a mere number. That's always been my attitude. And you know what? I too HATE when people think something must automatically be wrong with someone because they're single. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all. Like...it just does not add up. And yet I said precisely that in my original post. Wow. I think I meant more along the lines that someone who is say, 50 years old, and single...is LESS likely than someone who is 25 years old and single. I think that's all I meant. I have to re-think.
jwi71 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I have to re-think. I never thought I'd say this - but STOP thinking. There is thinking and then there is analyze every thought and derivative permutation of said thought into oblivion. And then remembering that maybe the atmospheric pressure may have had an effect on the amygdala and thusly affected, either positively or negatively, the electro-chemical impulses firing through his brain. On Sunday. Hmmmm....maybe Mondays are different and.... Enough. Relax. Be calm. Heal. Take a breath. Lets focus less on the whys and hows and potential tomorrows and men or women and everything else. Lets just relax a bit ok? I did the same after my D - analyzed everything Twice. In excel. Anyone reading my posts is not likely to doubt that - possibly accuse of me understating it. And it can be a problem. Just...go with the flow man. (woman). Enjoy each day as it comes. How about doing that for 24 hours?
Author stevie_23 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 LOL Thank you. (I call people "man" too) Anyway, yeah. I am the classic over-thinker and it can be exhausting. Believe it or not, I don't actually think ALL the time. Every night I veg out in front of the TV with my huge plate of junk food snacks and some craptastic reality TV and just do NOT think. I also read a bunch of magazines and romantic suspense novels and again, NO thinking! I sleep well most nights. No thinking. If a thought does come in, I say to myself in my head "Shhhh..." and then fall back to sleep. It's usually when I'm at work during the day and often bored out of my brain and with minimal enjoyable distractions that I over-think...and blab on this forum here. lol
SunshineToday Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Stevie, you just got out of your A so it is goin to take time for you to even be attracted to another. But trust me, it will happen when you least expect it and are not looking.
xxoo Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Not really considering it. Just kind of…musing. Dwelling. Wondering. Projecting way into the future I suppose. I don’t want to have another affair. I love my partner and am just kind of…I don’t know. Being quiet for now. Thinking and working things out, but not acting on anything. I meant in my post that I would not FEEL attractive to younger men in the way I want to feel attractive to older men, AND I also don’t feel attracted to younger men. When I picture them, I can appreciate the youthful appeal, the fit body and all that. But…there’s just no INTEREST there. I feel bored, intimated and inferior. Unappealing in myself and I find them unappealing also. When I picture an older man, I feel safe, protected, comforted, attractive, desired, appreciated. And I feel attracted to that. To what I feel they can give me as opposed to a younger man. People are individuals. You don't know how you will feel around an individual until you really know them, you know? I agree that you need to think less and just go with the flow. Let connections happen, or not happen, without pre-determining where they will and will not happen. Focus on other things altogether for a while. As for divorced men, there is a "sweet spot" when they have moved past the divorce and are ready for a new relationship. Many good men end up remarried to someone. Why couldn't you connect with someone in that place?
Pierre Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I wonder if I am doomed to ONLY ever fall for married men. I like nothing about the fact my ex-MM is married, at all. But my taste in men is… - Older (above 45 ideally) - Nice, courteous, generous, funny, intelligent, kind, supportive, encouraging, and who “clicks” with me - Fairly attractive, though it’s not really that important So any single guy of the above description is most likely a weirdo. Right? Cause why else would they not already be taken? Unless they’re divorced. But if it’s a recent divorce, I’d be concerned about being a rebound relationship. If it’s a long-ago divorce, I’d be concerned the guy was SO wounded by the breakdown of his marriage that our relationship would have problems. Ah the conundrums. Lets look at your thought process here. You assume that a single or divorced 45 y/0 man has issues and would rather go with a 45 year old married cheater and philanderer. That is like saying that a serial killer has more redeeming value than a man that got a speeding ticket.:D:D 1
Author stevie_23 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 LOL, I suppose in a way. Thank you, Sunshine. That helps to hear that. I know it’s true…we’ve only been NC for 6 weeks, after spending almost 2 years in almost constant contact everyday. Everything I saw I included him in, saw it through his eyes. Everything I thought and felt, I shared with him. My consciousness was consumed by him and us. It's weird being alone in my head now.
Author stevie_23 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 My SO I love and care for dearly, and have for almost 12 years now. I fell out of love with her a few years ago…maybe 5 or 6 years ago…3-4 years before I even met my ex-MM. I didn’t notice at first, didn’t want to notice. As it stands now, I don’t want to leave her because I love her and we are good together. I’m not IN love with her, but I also know that this is normal for long term relationships. I consider there are different people With those 2 online male friends of mine, neither of them are “with” me at all. One of them (55 year old) and I are just platonic. I was leaning towards wanting more intimacy to fill the hole of loss left by my ex-MM, but ended up telling him we couldn’t do that because I know how it feels to have constant guilt and once he’d step over his own comfortable boundary and betray his wife of 20 years, he would never be able to go back. He’d always have that guilt, and his whole self image would change (he’s never cheated on his wife before, never even come close. He doesn’t even have any other female friends), and once you do it, it’s easier to do it again, and then it kind of just spirals out of control, and you start justifying everything that before, you would never even contemplate doing. The other friend and I flirt, but it’s harmless fun. He has random sex online (only online) with people to explore his apparent asexuality, and he has an online girlfriend of 2 years who he’s having issues with (her possessiveness) and he’s happily married too (the wife knows about his online antics). So…yeah.
Author stevie_23 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 I actually don’t mean to tell fragmented pieces of my story. I’ve actually been annoyed at the fact that in order for me to not to thread hijack every single thread, I have to only tell PARTS of my story and experience per thread, because the other parts aren’t so relevant. I did tell almost every aspect (I think) in my very first thread, about my situation, when I first joined. I also don’t mean to be painted as a victim. I never set out to do that because I know I’m NOT a victim. The only “hard done by” thing I’ve had to deal with was the WAY my ex-MM ended things. But I also see through LS that this is fairly common, to leave without telling the OW you’re doing so. Otherwise, all of this situation is my own doing. I know that. I’ve always known it.
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