My relationship breakdown - Am I doing OK?

[BarbecueMan666]

Hi there,

 

A brief description of the the lives we lead and the breakup.

 

She was 3.5 years older than me, we met at 21 and 25. She studied opera and did youtube, I played video games for money.

 

We were together for roughly 16 months, in those 16 months split up once, and had one of those "i'm not sure if it's going to work" shindigs that lasted roughly 2 weeks (from her side) - I knew she was distancing herself but, I still loved her whole heartedly.

 

During the relationship, things were good, but she moved to Grad school to further her studies and things are going very well for her. During this period of time, the amount she communicated with me got less and less, to the point of receiving a text was actually a rare but awesome encounter.

 

I knew she was very busy, and her opening up at the best of times was tough, (when we first met, we were very open with each other, and that for her was awesome, as she apparently wasn't like that with anyone prior). - But anyhow, time went on and at this point, She just seemed depressed a lot of the time - Insane highs and Insane lows, and I didn't truly know how to deal with them.

 

Moving on to the latter part of our relationship, when she was at school. - I lived 1 hour away via plane, and i make enough to visit her pretty spontaneously when ever. - Mini story before hand, She makes videos - and went over to her friends house to make one, an hour away, and doing the video in the woods around midnight, she organised to meet with me at 1AM on Skype, To which I was like cool. I waited for 30 minutes and sent her a text, no reply, after being up until 3am, i went to sleep. I woke up with no response, I called her and texted and got nothing, I was so worried about her health and her being ok, To which she called me back before I rang the police and said she just crashed at the guys place, and forgot to call me. Obviously looking back, this was sad, and probably should have been a red flag for me realizing she just didn't care about me as much. At one point after a few weeks we had our talk about attention, money, emotion that I was giving a lot more, she asked if i wanted to breakup with her, i replied no i just don't feel you're in this relationship, in which she said she thinks she wants to breakup. This was the first "WOW" after the distancing she did that I knew anything was this deep, which hurt - I was even at a tournament at the time, and could not focus one bit.

 

Time went by, I said I'd visit more, and after 2 weeks in Limbo, I went to see her 4 times over the next month, and sometimes things were great, sometimes things were pretty awkward. She went to one of my tournaments and it was lovely, but after i was knocked out, she was again sad.

In terms of how her emotional state was, she could spend a lot of money on things she didn't really need. She was in Debt a lot of the time, her parents both helping her out by paying off a low 5 figure debt between them, currently had student loans and again, a debt but not half as bad as before. She'd spend money on things like her hair, which happened to be within the realm of 700 dollars one time. (Yes while being in debt) and lots of dresses.

 

Christmas time Came by in which, we spent time together for 2 weeks and new years, and had a relatively ok time - she was miserable for a lot of it, but again wouldn't really talk to me. This was the first time I was actually sort of embarrassed of her, as even my housemates didn't really like her, and it was very obvious. Was almost as if I was looking at the situation without love goggles on. But anyhow, I still loved her effortlessly, got irritated by her and such, but hey - I think that's relatively normal? What wasn't normal was the compromises I was making compared to her. I spent a lot of money on this girl ... Even bought all her furniture for her new apartment and what have you, trips, dresses, you name it, was kinda dumb - but she said I was too frugal with money. Her response to me being like "???" - " You have money, I don't have money, so it's your responsibility to spend money on me. " To which still blows my mind. Anyhow.

 

Over the Christmas break, she went out to buy me christmas presents which I thought was lovely, considering she didn't have much, she wanted a proper Christmas. A day prior, she dropped her phone in a sink, and couldn't use it so used mine for GPS - she went out shopping for me. Her phone left behind, I charged it up as we let it die, to save it - and it turned on with a text from a guy that read something like "I love you, and I'm always here for you when ever you need me" - To which I was like hmph? - I read through the texts, and within them it was obvious he liked her a lot. Talked about how he fights off the ladies, loves her a lot and cares about her, and just blergh, wasn't cool. She messaged him distantly like she would me, but also talked about how miserable she felt with her life, and wants to re-do everything. (she made a pretty big mistake a long time ago, which she never really got over, and she made the mistake because of an EX - financial/career mistake really).

But the real dinger was reading the line "I need to break up with BarbecueMan666" 2nd text - "It's not a question of if, it's a question of when, Do i do it before or after Christmas?" This hit me real deep. I checked when the texts were sent, the 12th of december, Now the 23rd. The same day I was partaking in a showmatch, in Which I won - and she was texting me between games " Wow you own!!!!!!!" (while watching the games live on a stream). The support was lovely, I didn't understand how that could happen, and I asked her about it the next day, and didn't really get an answer, Don't knows, Didn't really feel it was a big deal, she feels sad, generic stuff I guess.

 

The week went by, it was ok, I wasn't a dick as she was staying in my house, and her ticket to leave was for a week later - and I guessed given she hasn't sent this guy a text in like a week even though he was texting her. The guy wasn't half as attractive as me, and she even told me about him a year prior that he was "a dork, but she felt sorry for him, and he was nice". She got me nice presents, I got her a tiffany's necklace (lol. Yes I'm a moron).

 

New years eve came, we went out had a good time - everybody talked about how cute we were and such. Next day - she was miserable mode again, and spent the whole day watching shows and I joined her, we had fun but it wasn't super comfortable like it should have been.

We went upstairs, and she asked me if I was happy with her, I replied not really, and we broke up there and then, her saying she can't see it working, me basically being like it's ok I think we'd make better friends, and her crying a little and me being slightly jokey trying to cheer her up. Either way next morning came, and she didn't want to look or say a word to me. It was awkward. My friend took her to the airport (I can't drive) - and he came back a couple of hours later, and asked if I was ok. I said yeah, but me and EX-face Broke up, he said "Man, She is such a bitch" - He told me he felt very uncomfortable with her around, and she told him in the car I was too frugal, which he argued for me, and that she didn't see it working because we broke up once before, and it never healed for her.

 

This was 5 weeks ago.

 

After the breakup, I was "fine" - housemates told me I was doing great (I live with one of her best friends) - and I guess I was in Shock.

The best friend played with EXFACE and they broadcasted it, communicating via microphones. I listened to it, and she said she was doing great, all A's in gradschool, cut her hair, felt awesome - all this stuff I really didn't want to hear and it hit me hard, I couldn't sleep and I broke down the next day. A few days later I sent her a message (i know bad move) - to which was something along the lines of "I didn't like our breakup, felt it didn't live up to our relationship, I still care about you and I hope everything goes awesome, We had a lovely chapter." To which she replied pretty much the same thing, that she still cares and found it weird I didn't go to the airport with her given she didn't know when she'll see me again, and said we can talk in a few months to become friends.

 

A few days later, I ended up messaging a really hot girl online, and ended up sleeping with her a week later. This made me realize that sleeping around is NOT what I want to do to feel better. Flirting and stuff was cool and distracting, going through with it made me feel awful. I remembered everything and compared everything, and nothing lived up to what I had prior.

 

I'm an attractive guy, and she was a gorgeous girl. But the idea of my EX being the most beautiful around could not escape my head.

 

I ended up writing my ex again a few days later, just saying " hey be blunt with me, I'm pretty much hanging onto the idea of us" To which she replied "I don't want to be with you anymore. I'm really happy since making the decision." .

 

Since then, I've just realized I have to go through pain, I have to go through what I'm feeling, even if it's horrendous. I'm stopping looking at her stuff, I chucked her belongings into places out of sight, and am focusing on my self. Though it's hard and often very lonely, I forgot totally the things I like and Enjoy, I put her totally first.

 

I recently napped half way through the day, and I ended up waking up viciously to vivid nightmares of her being naked and bartending ( she never bartended in her life, was a weird dream), and being caressed by men, touching her all over, and her even performing sexual acts on guys. This came totally out of the blue, and I'm gonna say safely ruined my day.

 

I wanted to know, If I'm doing Ok. And what do you guys think over here.

I also realized lots of my friends thought she wasn't good for me but just didn't want to tell me. She was awfully pretty and they were happy for me in that regard, but they knew she was wearing me thin, which is nice to hear, but I still hurt.

[iouaname]

The only person who can measure whether you're doing okay or not is you. Personally, I don't feel like I've handled my break up very well at all and am only now feeling better about it.

 

How do YOU feel about how you're handling it? Just because you miss her or because it's now tough for you doesn't mean you're not handling it well. That comes with what happened!

[BarbecueMan666]

I'm not sure, I get very upset occasionally, and I mean very very upset. This was my first long term relationship, before it I just had meaningless relationships which I never felt heartbreak from, so honestly - this is a huge learning experience for me regardless of what happens. I think i'm dealing with it ok? With grace, trying to distract myself as much as possible, but i'm finding it ever so hard not checking her fb page and such.

[callingyouuu]

All normal in my eyes, especially so soon after a long-term relationship. It truly sucks, and for me it actually got worse for a few weeks before it got better as she jumped into a new relationship pretty quickly. The first cut is always the deepest. I actually broke down over time and had to set up these internet browser add-ons that blocked me from checking her FB/Twitter (and that of her next boyfriend), but let's hope you're a stronger person than I was.