4 months and Boyfriend revealed he has a child...

[oldschool1]

It's a tricky one. He doesn't have a child in the traditional sense, so I can understand why he hasn't told you. If I were in your shoes, I would take this information under advisement but keep my eyes open. Hopefully, he is a reformed individual. If he's not, then that will become clear. Perhaps you could give him the benefit of the doubt now (since it sounds like you're inclined in that direction). Just pay attention to other strange types of behavior.

[CptObvious]

Wow... why would that idiot admit to having a kid? That's a death penalty. How on earth do these guys manage to tie their shoes every morning?

[Ninjainpajamas]

As well as I know men, I doubt you are getting the whole story. I've heard of these kinds of stories but why would a woman like this all of a sudden go completely insane for no reason? men always like to label women as "crazy" but I believe men had in a hand in that craziness....some women are out of their minds but I think it also shows his character a bit by how he handled the situation and the kind of relationship he has with the mother...and I just don't buy it.

 

I also feel like If you stay with this guy then you are basically condoning his lying, in order to get you emotionally invested and attached enough so that he could break the news to you. He basically tried to manipulate the situation so that you wouldn't just judge him or leave him, instead of giving you the choice to accept it or not upfront...he should have been willing enough to expose this before hand, instead of waiting until you were in too deep. I see many guys do that and I don't respect the tactic, they might say you wanted to you to get to know them but if they're lying about something this huge and life impacting 4 months in how can you possibly expect to trust him? and I think any rational minded person with experience would tell you that you could not.

 

I get this is his personal baggage and from a long time ago, raised in a troubled childhood. But as someone who's not had a cake-walk of a life myself by any means, I believe people should take more responsibility than make excuses...I've noticed that's the difference between some people, some people make the decision to justify their choices by their past and others...even the few choose to own it. With that being said you didn't mention ages, which is a hugely important factor...I think everyone posting should always mention their age range....I'm just going to assume this guy is still quite young and still learning...hopefully.

 

At any rate, personally I don't think I could continue on with this. It's too shady, there's not enough information present and it's got that whole "this is my side of story" stank going for it, and he seems like someone who can keep secrets, at a 4 month mark I don't necessarily hold it against the guy because it could've been 6 months or a year but it's still too late IMO...he could've done worse but still...this is a huge deal, at least to my values and I wouldn't want someone hiding the fact they have a child from me for four months...It would just change the way I trusted them entirely.

 

I also don't believe in people playing the victim role and that's all I'm hearing here, I'm sure he has his regrets and issues with this, I'm sure it was a mistake and he wishes he could change it but it shows his character IMO with how he's handled it and how is reacting to the situation...I personally think he still has some growing up to do and it's a priority to resolve this situation with this other girl...I don't believe he's done everything he has and I do believe he's taking the easy way out since she's in another country...I just think this is too much drama at this stage in the game for you...do you really want to be that girl that's apart of this mess? with the baby-mama going nuts, making threats...what do you think once she finds out about you? how's that for a story for your family and friends?

 

So sorry, his past is his past...he's got to work it out. I don't feel it's justified to give him a pity party and just forgive the guy not even understanding the whole story especially...and personally I'd just not rather get into it. So if you're one of those "forgiving" and "consoling" and "we'll fix this and work this out together kind of girls" then knock yourself out...but realize that you had a choice and once you accept this situation as apart of your life and responsibility because you are on a relationship with this man...then be prepared to face any consequences that will potentially follow or affect your relationship, the choice is yours but don't just use your emotions.

 

Talk to some people older and wiser than you with children to help figure this out if you need it, something like this won't stay a secret very long and when it does people are going to look at you with an open-mouth for not even mentioning something like that, and they may judge you for that regardless or not. Then you've got to do the whole "defending your boyfriend because they don't know understand him but I love him and sticking by his side".

 

Choice is yours...but sit back and try and look at the big picture before you start whining and crying about it down the road because you're having "regrets".

[ChelleBelle08]

it's been awhile and i am still with him. I did end up talking to his mother about the situation who confirms everything. I am 26 he is 23 who is actually mature for his age, if not so more than me. His mother explained how he was 17 and at college, living with his father (who is horrible) when this happened, and the girl was 7 years older then him. I feel that does contribute to the "crazy" factor of the girl, because what 24 year old girl would do that with a 17 year old. He was young and dumb, apparently the "condom broke" which i don't completely believe.

 

apparently his mother told me my boyfriends father had a relationship with the ONS mother and child for awhile, but also that his father had an affair with the ONS girl's mother as well. When this ONS girl started causing problems my boyfriends father also had to end the contact. I went on fbook and saw pictures of my boyfriends father with this ONS child about 4-5 years ago, however, they are no longer friends on facebook. confirming that fact. I also found a very old myspace profile of this ONS girl flaunting her pregnancy and beating down the father of her child (now my boyfriend).

I feel that ending contact with a child one is related to is a huge deal, and i am not sure how that is possible. Apparently according to my boyfriends mother, she also stated that, but that the situation was so horrible, they had to do what was best for themselves, and to allow the child to live the most normal life possible in hopes that someday the ONS child will forgive them.

 

So, my boyfriends story checks out. and he has his whole large family backing him up. but someone coming into this from the outside makes it difficult. I have empathy for my boyfriend and the ONS girl. He doesn't give her money, never has. This bothers me that he didn't take responsibility. BUt, a worry i do have is what is he, or WE going to do in the future if he does have to pay, and back pay. What if this little girl wants a relationship with him in the future. My boyfriend keeps telling me this situation is his to deal with and not mine and i never will, and if the situation does come up he will deal with it on his own. I told him this is not how it works, and i wouldn't want to be completely separated from his child if she was back in his life...but at the same time i also don't want to deal with it because i made a choice to not have children, and made a choice to date him because i thought we had similar dreams and plans for the future and that our current lives are similar. and that has changed.

 

It obviously still bothers me from time to time. I agree people make mistakes, and he definitely didn't know me then, but at the same time we have different beliefs and i shouldn't have to deal with someones mistakes as i would have never done that. Also he did not take any responsibility, but even if he did i wouldn't want a part of that either.Seeing this beautiful child who looks like him on fbook killed me but i felt the need to do it. I am still lost and torn about what to do...