ChelleBelle08 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 So i've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months. Everything has been going great. He has told me that he had a rough childhood and in turn rebelled during his teen years. He says has made him the person today and upon meeting him, one would never think he had been that way. However, up until today, he was just "a bad kid" and he "regrets it". Today he decided to tell me that during this time, he had a one night stand when he was 18 and in turn he has a 5 year old daughter..... Not only does he have a child, he has never met her. According to him, the mother of his child was 7 years older than him at the time and has been threatening him and his family ever since...stalking them, sitting outside their house, calling, making threats to kill them etc.. Apparently he wanted a relationship with the child but the mother was so "crazy" that he made the decision to be out of her life. this becomes more complicated as he is not from the United States and therefore all this occurred in another country, making it easy for him not to tell me. I have been upset and unsure what to do...I am upset that this guy i feel i know very well was hiding stuff from me, and what else could he be hiding? He didn't want to tell me because he felt like i would not date him if i knew sooner... I am also upset he has a child...not that he was ever involved but when i have children i want to have my first experience with someone who is in the same boat. I am upset he is not in the child's life...it is not the child's fault. i don't think he even pays child support or anything...and i am also worried about the future, when the child is old enough im sure she will want a relationship or at least know her father and he doesn't seem to think that is neccessary/going to happen... I grew up with different morals in a very conservative household. I love children but the fact that he hid it from me for so long and our different lifestyles is making it difficult for me to accept.. I am 3 years older than him and only being 4 months in, i am unsure what to do. I have had my fair share of bad relationships in the past and i don't know if i should stay or go...
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I would be devastated but also unable to continue to be in a relationship with such a man. 1
Author ChelleBelle08 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 you know, it is a good question, he asked me the same thing..I guess i wouldn't expect it as a first date conversation but a few weeks in...waiting until things are getting serious 4 months later puts a huge damper on things...its a very serious situation to be hiding for that long. He says he wanted me to get to know who he is now before he told me. But all of this right now is making me question who he actually is...
soccerrprp Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Please, this should have happened right at the beginning. This is a no-brainer... A child makes EVERY difference in a relationship...he should have told you about his child within the first couple of conversations...
todreaminblue Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 you know, it is a good question, he asked me the same thing..I guess i wouldn't expect it as a first date conversation but a few weeks in...waiting until things are getting serious 4 months later puts a huge damper on things...its a very serious situation to be hiding for that long. He says he wanted me to get to know who he is now before he told me. But all of this right now is making me question who he actually is... I think you are judging him, obviously it is a subject eh has trouble dealing with and caused quite a bit of pain fro him and his family...therefore he has trouble talking about it....a few weeks in do you really know someone in a few weeks to share painful secrets....dont think so........so four months against a thing that has caused pain and confusion....understandable....there also seems to be an underlying sense of shame from what you have posted callign himself a bad kid.....i dont think he has forgiven himself.....i understand coming from a conservative you havent had to live what he has lived, but you need to give him lead way for having a different life...its a dealing with soemone's past thing....i feel it comes down to how much do you care and lvoe the person standing in front of you , not what they have behind them, what you see right in front of you..i am not talking about hannibal lector or ted bundy....just the guy you are seeing now who is most likely not like them...deb 1
Author ChelleBelle08 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 I think you are judging him, obviously it is a subject eh has trouble dealing with and caused quite a bit of pain fro him and his family...therefore he has trouble talking about it....a few weeks in do you really know someone in a few weeks to share painful secrets....dont think so........so four months against a thing that has caused pain and confusion....understandable....there also seems to be an underlying sense of shame from what you have posted callign himself a bad kid.....i dont think he has forgiven himself.....i understand coming from a conservative you havent had to live what he has lived, but you need to give him lead way for having a different life...its a dealing with soemone's past thing....i feel it comes down to how much do you care and lvoe the person standing in front of you , not what they have behind them, what you see right in front of you..i am not talking about hannibal lector or ted bundy....just the guy you are seeing now who is most likely not like them...deb This is the other side of my feelings apart from being confused and angry... I wouldn't say "judging" per say, i am fine that he had a difficult life and know that he has done a lot of things that I never would..He told me almost word for word what you just did...he doesn't forgive himself and i don't think he ever will, he doesn't think his family ever will either..he feels even though he has great relationships with them now he feels that they personally will never get over what he did to their family. His mother is taunted by the mother of his child at her place of work, walking down the street, at grocery stores etc...as is his older brother and young children that are in school with his "daughter." I am shocked that this wonderful guy has told me this today. It is something i did not expect. He said after this happened is when he turned his life around. but i go from periods of being fine and accepting to very angry and unsure if my feelings are strong enough to get over this and possibly accept it into my life.
Krieger Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I would dump a girl if she did that not telling me that she has a kid It would not care that much in the first place but It does matter it changes things. Also if she never saw her kid I would be like why not and find out why she wants nothing to do with her own kid? If I was a single dad that would be the first thing I tell a girl I was dating and I be proud that I was a dad and tell a girl this is a package deal .
MrCastle Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 That's rough. Well, on one hand, the child is not in his life, so your relationship wouldn't be directly affected. At the same time, the fact that he has a kid, and withheld that info from you this whole time is not good. I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation. It's easy for me to sit here and say leave him, but if you have a real connection with him, that's hard to do. Sometimes people hide stuff like this because they are ashamed or fear not being accepted/finding love. If he would have told you outright he had a kid, you probably wouldn't have continued seeing him. I really do feel for young people with kids. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I can totally understand why someone would want to hide the fact that they have kids. I may not agree with it, but I understand it. 1
Author ChelleBelle08 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 exactly.....i understand but don't, and can't honestly answer if i would have continued seeing him if i knew at the beginning. I probably would have been more cautious. i don't know what to do, and he really doesn't want people knowing so he doesn't want me talking to my friends about it. so i needed to come on here to talk to people about what i should do, because i honestly have no idea. It also makes me worried for this child, about being with a mother who acts the way she does, and makes me worried that he doesn't fight for her...but at the same time he grew up having visitations with his father with his mom going in one door and his dad the other and them not allowed to see each other,and he said he didn't want that for his daughter...but i am left wondering is that better or worse for her...
todreaminblue Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 This is the other side of my feelings apart from being confused and angry... I wouldn't say "judging" per say, i am fine that he had a difficult life and know that he has done a lot of things that I never would..He told me almost word for word what you just did...he doesn't forgive himself and i don't think he ever will, he doesn't think his family ever will either..he feels even though he has great relationships with them now he feels that they personally will never get over what he did to their family. His mother is taunted by the mother of his child at her place of work, walking down the street, at grocery stores etc...as is his older brother and young children that are in school with his "daughter." I am shocked that this wonderful guy has told me this today. It is something i did not expect. He said after this happened is when he turned his life around. but i go from periods of being fine and accepting to very angry and unsure if my feelings are strong enough to get over this and possibly accept it into my life. in my honest opinion , because you are questioning and posting and trying to sort out with advice from others what to do with these feelings,you will deal with them.......you already are.......just havent concluded yet....its when you cant discuss them with anyone nor wish to discuss them...its over......you have empathy for yoru bf....thats really positive,he obviously cares deeply abtou you to share......adn the way you write about him self explanatory ....you care........ I know shame....have been there own the tshirt........i know guilt...been there too......still feel it sometimes not all the time just some......i have had masses of therapy.....i think what i hav ebeen through has taught me a lot and i get more positives out of what circumstances i have had than negative.....i can naturally get kids to open up to me thats one.....another is guys open up to me and my friends ....adore me...so i have a lot more positives.........your bf will have that too....one is the ability to care about and adore you.......good people with bad pasts....if they open up to that special person about their past.......are normally very loyal....because that is a complete show of appreciation for understanding and acceptance from a person they have trusted enough to tell......I really hope everything works out for you..you know what?....i think it will..huge hugs.....deb 1
todreaminblue Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 exactly.....i understand but don't, and can't honestly answer if i would have continued seeing him if i knew at the beginning. I probably would have been more cautious. i don't know what to do, and he really doesn't want people knowing so he doesn't want me talking to my friends about it. so i needed to come on here to talk to people about what i should do, because i honestly have no idea. It also makes me worried for this child, about being with a mother who acts the way she does, and makes me worried that he doesn't fight for her...but at the same time he grew up having visitations with his father with his mom going in one door and his dad the other and them not allowed to see each other,and he said he didn't want that for his daughter...but i am left wondering is that better or worse for her... I think the whole situation with the ex is toxic and needs to settle down for the childs sake,fighting for custody father over the mother may not be in the childs best interest at this point in time or even in the future, i think in the future ,therapy would or could be a necessary occurrence for some healing to happen...its too toxic to deal with and you are not responsible or in a postiion to be responsible for a child you dont know....yet....professional help is probably needed in this case to sort through that toxic situation.....deb
Author ChelleBelle08 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 not an ex, it was a one night stand. My bf didn't want to fight for the child due to not wanting her to have the life he had growing up 1
Author ChelleBelle08 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 i do have empathy, which scares me. I often have too much and give people the benefit of the doubt because i feel bad and in the end, most of the time i shouldn't. i know i shouldn't take that out on him, but i told myself the next relationship im in, im not going to just settle and going to wait for the guy that deserves me. He is loyal, i have no doubts about him lying (about more things) or cheating on me. I am comfortable in that sense. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 So i've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months. Everything has been going great. He has told me that he had a rough childhood and in turn rebelled during his teen years. He says has made him the person today and upon meeting him, one would never think he had been that way. However, up until today, he was just "a bad kid" and he "regrets it". Today he decided to tell me that during this time, he had a one night stand when he was 18 and in turn he has a 5 year old daughter..... Not only does he have a child, he has never met her. According to him, the mother of his child was 7 years older than him at the time and has been threatening him and his family ever since...stalking them, sitting outside their house, calling, making threats to kill them etc.. Apparently he wanted a relationship with the child but the mother was so "crazy" that he made the decision to be out of her life. this becomes more complicated as he is not from the United States and therefore all this occurred in another country, making it easy for him not to tell me. I have been upset and unsure what to do...I am upset that this guy i feel i know very well was hiding stuff from me, and what else could he be hiding? He didn't want to tell me because he felt like i would not date him if i knew sooner... I am also upset he has a child...not that he was ever involved but when i have children i want to have my first experience with someone who is in the same boat. I am upset he is not in the child's life...it is not the child's fault. i don't think he even pays child support or anything...and i am also worried about the future, when the child is old enough im sure she will want a relationship or at least know her father and he doesn't seem to think that is neccessary/going to happen... I grew up with different morals in a very conservative household. I love children but the fact that he hid it from me for so long and our different lifestyles is making it difficult for me to accept.. I am 3 years older than him and only being 4 months in, i am unsure what to do. I have had my fair share of bad relationships in the past and i don't know if i should stay or go... It is not that he hid is that would have me leaving by the way. It is mulitple things, such as the drama obviously with the mother of the child, it doesn't make much sense, and by the fact that he seems to be VERY irresponsible in his actions when it comes to handling the situation. Any man that is OK to cut a child out of his life and not take care of the legal aspect of having a child is a man I would not want anything to do with.
O'Malley Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Is he contributing any financial support to his child? And I'd question the former fling/stalker story as well. Sure, he was afraid he wouldn't have a chance with you. The concern here is that his primary strategy for handling the most significant situation in his life to date was to run away from it, sweep it under the rug and omit it for months from someone who's placed their trust in him. His child isn't some irrelevant matter that won't have an continuing impact on his life or your relationship with him. He could have admitted initially that he had a daughter, explained what happened, and let you come to your own decision, but he was comfortable with taking that choice out of your hands. I wouldn't minimize this as just a lapse in judgment.
ChessPieceFace Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 It's possible the woman is crazy like he says; it's not up to you to make judgments about what he should have done regarding the kid, since you don't know all the facts of the situation. However, the fact that he hid this for 4 months seems too much to accept. For a person with a kid that WASN'T out of the country and was in their life, I'd expect disclosure immediately or on the first date for a very honest person, or possibly disclosure on the 2nd date at the latest. Anything beyond that is just unacceptable and indicative of a deceptive personality. In this case, his kid isn't in his life and is out of the country, so I could see it being acceptable maybe beyond the 2nd date, but 4 months?? Yeah I can't imagine that.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 It's possible the woman is crazy like he says; it's not up to you to make judgments about what he should have done regarding the kid, since you don't know all the facts of the situation. However, the fact that he hid this for 4 months seems too much to accept. For a person with a kid that WASN'T out of the country and was in their life, I'd expect disclosure immediately or on the first date for a very honest person, or possibly disclosure on the 2nd date at the latest. Anything beyond that is just unacceptable and indicative of a deceptive personality. In this case, his kid isn't in his life and is out of the country, so I could see it being acceptable maybe beyond the 2nd date, but 4 months?? Yeah I can't imagine that. You asked. I answered.
kaylan Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Dump the liar. He will lie about other things in the future. 1
ascendotum Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) Please, this should have happened right at the beginning. This is a no-brainer... A child makes EVERY difference in a relationship...he should have told you about his child within the first couple of conversations... Well maybe not in this case. The (supposed) ONS girl does not want him in the child's life (supposedly) + the child and mother are in another country. He could have really kept his mouth shut about this and it would not have made any difference. If you are going to tell your new gf about this though I think it should have been done at least 2 mths back. Also just because he says the mother/ex was some psycho crazy don't take that as gospel, though if this woman is in another country then I guess it doesn't really matter one way or the other. Edited February 7, 2013 by ascendotum
Author ChelleBelle08 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 he does not provide financial security. the ONS girl supposedly wants to be with him even though they really don't know each other, so I don't think she wouldn't let him see the child. I feel it isn't my position to judge the mother of the child based on a one sided story ive heard from him. However, he could be correct...and based on his upbringing he didn't want the child being torn in two directions as the mother of his child apparently tells the child bad things about him. Although i don't have a child, if I did have one and the father wanted nothing to do with me I would probably be crazy as well..... I don't know...he knows this will effect every relationship he has ever had.. He has had a gf accept it based on the person he is now, but..they are obviously not together anymore. As a very forgiving and accepting person, it is bothering me that i might not be willing to accept this..
veggirl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 How does she harass and stalk him of she is in another country? Why doesn't he get a restraining order if that is true? What is he gonna do if she sues for child support one day? Why would a ons be so obsessed with him yet doesn't want him in the child's life? I'd dump him. I could have no respect for him and well he's a liar. One who doesn't handle his responsibilities.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I haven't read all the replies but this is just way too much baggage. And I'm willing to bet this baby mama isn't nearly as crazy as he's making her out to be. It doesn't add up. One night stand and she goes nuts? Yeah right. This guy is so full of crap. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 The details of his story don't add up, OP. He's showing you who he is. More to come down the road no doubt, but certainly enough information already to make a clear decision now.
truth_seeker Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I think one word sums up what you should do >>> RUN!
Recommended Posts