What does the dumper go through?

[destroyed4sho]

Yes, but he obviously felt he DID want to continue on, so he did. There’s no fault in that in my opinion.

 

That is my whole point, he should NOT HAVE.

 

As I said, does every relationship that ends after 2, 4, 10 years because the people realise they’re not happy together anymore, or one of them is not happy, or their feelings have changed…are they all at fault because they didn’t end it during the dating stage?

 

YES, if the reason you end it is something you were very well aware of in the dating stages.

 

 

Every relationship is a learning and growing experience. No relationship is a failure, even when it ends. You grow together as a couple and individuals over time and if that eventually results in the relationship ending, then it is no fault of either party (unless something specific happens like there’s abuse or infidelity or something of course)

 

And, I agree that relationships change and grow and you keep discovering things about each other. (partner became an alcoholic, angry person, cheater, liar, etc). These are things you did not sign up for.

 

But if the reason of BU was something very obvious and clear in the BEGINNING dating stages and you signed up for it, then you must take responsibility for that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tell me, do you feel that it is right if a person is WRECKLESS in a relationship, goes by the whims of his feelings and leaves a trail of broken hearts?

 

Sometimes "feelings" are used as a cop out and an excuse.

Edited February 8, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[stevie_23]

No, I think the whole POINT of relationships are feelings. Initially anyway.

 

With regard to the dating phase? Hindsight is all seeing. How are people supposed to end a relationship after a few months if they’re still happy with that person, despite knowing the differences, and not even give it a chance to be a good, long term relationship?

 

And I don’t think the Desperatetoughguy has been wreckless at all. He has clearly laboured and agonized over his decision. He didn’t just come home one day and say “HEY! You suck! Get out!”

[Own Worst Enemy]

"who gives a f.uck?"

 

you dumped me, you crushed me, you made me feel like this. i don't care what you go through or don't, i just want to get to a place where it's as if i never ever knew you.

[destroyed4sho]

No, I think the whole POINT of relationships are feelings. Initially anyway.

 

With regard to the dating phase? Hindsight is all seeing. How are people supposed to end a relationship after a few months if they’re still happy with that person, despite knowing the differences, and not even give it a chance to be a good, long term relationship?

 

And I don’t think the Desperatetoughguy has been wreckless at all. He has clearly laboured and agonized over his decision. He didn’t just come home one day and say “HEY! You suck! Get out!”

 

I get it. I have a different view point on dating.

 

Anyway, thanks for posting the "what dumpers go through stages" from your perspective. It actually helped me get over a hump in the grieving process.

 

I hope it helps others too.

[destroyed4sho]

"who gives a f.uck?"

 

you dumped me, you crushed me, you made me feel like this. i don't care what you go through or don't, i just want to get to a place where it's as if i never ever knew you.

 

For me, this thread helped me get over a really big hump in the grieving process that was difficult to cross. I realized that the dumper has made a well thought out and solid decision of breaking up....it was not on a whim! Their going back and forth and breadcrumbs actually means the opposite of what you are hoping for...it means they DONT want you back.

They also KNOW that you want them back and they KNOW what you are going thru and guess what??.....THEY STILL DONT WANT YOU BACK. Period.

 

I knew this logically even before the thread but I think I had to see it on paper in front of me so that it would sink in.

Not saying im in the all desired indifference stage but...im on my way working towards it.

Edited February 9, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[coldndistant]

I knew I was falling out of love and was distancing. I fought it. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her self-esteem. It was so conflicting. Deep down I wanted nothing more than to give her love, and to show her that I really did love her, and that she was beautiful and special, but I didn't love her any more, and I couldn't change a damn thing.

 

I didn't accept it. I cried, I felt guilt, I tried to change things. When I finally did break it off she didn't want to accept it, so I got back together with her, because I could stand hurting her. Big mistake. It beat up her self esteem as she wanted to be with me still and I was already long gone, although I tried, she could tell.

 

I would advise you of this. sometimes love isn't a choice. Sometimes it rips the heart out of the person doing the dumping, and they would give anything for it to be different.

 

Honestly my partner and I just recently split. I I am going to get over it, but right now I just really hurt inside. I feel like the life I live in my future will be empty without her.

 

It's so weird, we lived together for a long time. Its like she became my family, and now I am turning my family away. I don't know if this is relatable, but it honestly feels like a dagger in my heart. I honestly couldn't help the fact that I didn't love her romantically anymore, and realized that before you build a life with someone, you need to make sure you are right for eachother.

 

We split because we could not be more different. I'm Christian, she is Jewish, I was from the other side of the tracks, she is really well to do, I'm 31, she's 25. In the end it became clear it wasn't meant to be. I don't know.

 

Sometimes the dumper really does care.

[stevie_23]

I'm glad to hear this.

 

It's easy to believe the dumper is heartless and because he / she is choosing to end the relationship and thus assumes they will be happier not with this person that they never cared, but this is not automatically true.

 

I reiterate...nobody can help how they feel. All they can do is act in accordance with their feelings in the best way they can so as to find their own happiness and try not to hurt people in the process. This can be VERY difficult to do.

 

Someone asked me in this thread a while ago how I knew what a dumper would feel if I'd never been one, and I realised (besides the reasons I already gave) that it's because I, as the dumpee, have gained understanding and insight on how the dumper feels, because it helped me to do so. To achieve some peace and closure by understanding.

[destroyed4sho]

I knew I was falling out of love and was distancing. I fought it. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her self-esteem. It was so conflicting. Deep down I wanted nothing more than to give her love, and to show her that I really did love her, and that she was beautiful and special, but I didn't love her any more, and I couldn't change a damn thing.

.................

 

It's so weird, we lived together for a long time. Its like she became my family, and now I am turning my family away. I don't know if this is relatable, but it honestly feels like a dagger in my heart. I honestly couldn't help the fact that I didn't love her romantically anymore, and realized that before you build a life with someone, you need to make sure you are right for eachother.

 

We split because we could not be more different. I'm Christian, she is Jewish, I was from the other side of the tracks, she is really well to do, I'm 31, she's 25. In the end it became clear it wasn't meant to be. I don't know.

 

Sometimes the dumper really does care.

 

I am having a hard time understanding how someone can just fall out of love with someone they love.

Can you explain why you fell out of love? Was it that you weren't attracted to her physically anymore, something you didn't know about her before, religious reasons, she changed, etc...?

[stevie_23]

Oh my goodness. It HAPPENS! ALL the time too! I had it happen to me in my first ever relationship that ended in 2001 - she fell out of love with me. Feelings faded. We grew apart, etc. And now in my current relationship I MYSELF have experienced it first hand. I NEVER thought my feelings would change, but they have. It has been very hard to acknowledge it. And I'm not doing anything about it in the near future either. But the feelings HAVE changed. It DOES happen.

 

Often there IS no specific reason for these types of feelings changing or fading. People try to assign blame..."they changed", "we're too different and I didn't realise before", etc. No. It just HAPPENS. And it's completely uncontrollable and often very painful (for BOTH partners, though the dumper in my opinion has a longer time to get used to it before anything impacts on their life in such a way the dumpee's life gets impacted on)

 

Some people try to blame a "third party" for the feelings changing. But no. This isn't it either. In order FOR anyone outside the relationship to even get CLOSE to being with one of the people in the relationship, the feelings have already changed.

[destroyed4sho]

Oh my goodness. It HAPPENS! ALL the time too! I had it happen to me in my first ever relationship that ended in 2001 - she fell out of love with me. Feelings faded. We grew apart, etc. And now in my current relationship I MYSELF have experienced it first hand. I NEVER thought my feelings would change, but they have. It has been very hard to acknowledge it. And I'm not doing anything about it in the near future either. But the feelings HAVE changed. It DOES happen.

 

Often there IS no specific reason for these types of feelings changing or fading. People try to assign blame..."they changed", "we're too different and I didn't realise before", etc. No. It just HAPPENS. And it's completely uncontrollable and often very painful (for BOTH partners, though the dumper in my opinion has a longer time to get used to it before anything impacts on their life in such a way the dumpee's life gets impacted on)

 

Some people try to blame a "third party" for the feelings changing. But no. This isn't it either. In order FOR anyone outside the relationship to even get CLOSE to being with one of the people in the relationship, the feelings have already changed.

So then, your saying that your feelings faded/fading for no reason?

Edited February 11, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[coldndistant]

It's really messed up. I can't say exactly why feelings changed. I hate it.

I was dumped before, and I really never got answers to why, and I never understood it. I don't know what to say to you or to her. It just happens. People change.

 

I stayed with her for a while after I had already move on because I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want to become estranged from her.

 

However it just wasn't working. For a long time it just wasn't working. We started fighting a lot, and I started taking her for granted. Not that I wanted to , I tried not to.

 

I doubt this helps you right now but having been the dumped and the dumpee, I believe that there are still reasons to trust and to open up. I think the ethic both partners need to have is to be honest, and to be yourself. In time I believe we will both grow to appreciate and cherish the time we had together.

 

I really do think I may be as hurt as her by this not working out. Honestly sometimes there are no real answers. I feel like everyday is a gift, and that you need to appreciate those you love while you love them. I'm still very sad to have broken up.

[stevie_23]

I really do think I may be as hurt as her by this not working out. Honestly sometimes there are no real answers.

 

Ok, the first part of the above paragraph I disagree with, but I do agree with the second part.

 

The first part...you and her are hurting in different ways, and they may be almost equal in terms of intensity, but I doubt it. I'm in NO way meaning to belittle your feelings and the strength of them, but as the dumper...you have had quite some time to adjust to the new feelings (as much as you didn't want to feel them) of not being in love with her anymore. By the time the relationship ends, even though yes it is still very hard and painful, it is LESS painful for you because for her, it's a shock. Even if she expected it in some way, at the same time.

 

If you can remember back to when you WERE totally in love with her...and if she had come to you back then and told you she wasn't in love with you anymore and you had to break up...you would've been absolutely CRUSHED because you were still in love, totally connected, all there was in your intimate world was HER. So the fact you are not in love with her anymore, it automatically means you've got SOME distance there by the time the relationship ends.

 

You're sad because of the loss of having her with you as the good person she is and that you care about her still. You're sad because you've hurt her and you can't help that. You're sad because of the loss of your comfort zone, routine, relationship in general. You're sad because of the loss of the future expectations and hopes and dreams you once had for you and her. You're sad because you can't control your feelings and wish you could change back so you wanted to be with her again and that she made you as happy as she did when you were in love with her.

 

SHE is sad because she's lost her partner who she was (I think?) in love with. It's a wrenching, indescribable feeling. It's different to how the dumper feels. She may also feel alone because the one person she always shared with now she can't because it's you. It's very, very hard and lonely.

 

Destroyed4sho, you asked if my feelings for my partner changed "for no reason"? No, there's always a reason. I think the reason unfortunately is...time. Time changes people, often in very subtle ways. I was 22 when we got together. I'm 34 now. That's a fairly long length of time and a fairly busy / changeable time in a person's life. I don't feel like I'm going through some kind of premature midlife crisis, but in a way it's not totally dissimilar to that I guess.

 

Time in a relationship also brings with it complacency and comfort. Some people thrive on this. Others get bored. I guess I am the second type, which makes me annoyed, frustrated and ashamed.

[MyAngel]

I love reading your posts stevie. You often offer me so much to think about and realise. Thank you

[HKcolon]

I have only been in 2 real relationships, but was the dumper in both. My relationships were both abusive, so that probably effects everything. Although I hope I don't have to go through another breakup, I've learned the red flags that can be seen early on in relationships, so am sure I will have no hesitation dumping in the future before having to go through this awful process again though...

 

1. Dumpee does something disrespectful, but dumper lets it pass.

2. Notice more red flags, usually beginning with how he treats waiters/waitresses.

3. He begins to insult dumper. Confrontation. He says he will change.

4. He goes back on word. This continues multiple times.

5. Dumper does the dumping.

6. Dumper/dumpee get back together, and dumper gives another chance. This repeats a few times.

7. Dumper finally dumps him for the final time after a final straw (ie. physical violence).

8. Dumper asks anonymously online whether to break it off. Everyone says "Yes!"

9. Breaks it off.

10. Dumper quickly pull away from the relationship and begins no contact. Then moves.

 

***********************After the breakup******************************

 

1. Dumper cries for a few minutes, mourns loss of relationship, although it sucked.

2. Dumper gets harassed by dumpee and begins to quickly pull away. Eventually ignoring all contact. This reminds dumper that dumpee deserved to be dumped and the right decision was made!

3. Dumper feels resentment for having had to dump the other person and for the wasted effort, time, etc.

4. Dumper feels both anger and bitter sorrow. Thinks about good times (sad), but quickly remembers all the bad times (angry).

5. Dumper gets makeover, works on rebuilding life, and enjoys the single life meanwhile.

6. Dumper eventually begins dating again and finds someone else.

Edited February 15, 2013 by HKcolon

[treezy]

This is a tough one. I don't even know if I was the dumper or dumpee. I broke it off because my ex was acting cold and distant, ignoring me and treating me like I didn't matter.

 

I tried hard to put up with it, I couldn't take it anymore so I ended it. In my case I feel terrible everyday, while my ex is probably out there having fun and moving on.

 

I still love and miss him, and my feelings never changed. I think of him every single minute, and wish there was something I could do to rectify it but it's all too late. Anyway even if I could turn back time I probably wouldn't have done anything different, I was mentally drained and exhausted at how he was treating me. I believe I was forced to dump him. That's my take on being a dumper. Hope it answers the question.

[treezy]

You again, mutantswordfish, always putting me down. But I like your candidness.

 

I know at the end of the day I'm still the dumper. I did ask him if anything was wrong and he said no. He ignored me in fact. So I said it's okay if he didn't want to talk about it, he can talk to me anytime and left him alone. But he insisted nothing was wrong and continued his coldness.

 

I admit that maybe I didn't try hard enough, but there was only so much I can take. I spoke to him about it and he said I should dump him. I figured I wasn't good enough so I did just that. My feelings never changed. It wasn't revenge, mind you. It was something I thought was for the best since he didn't seem interested anymore.

[cavalier99]

You again, mutantswordfish, always putting me down. But I like your candidness.

 

I know at the end of the day I'm still the dumper. I did ask him if anything was wrong and he said no. He ignored me in fact. So I said it's okay if he didn't want to talk about it, he can talk to me anytime and left him alone. But he insisted nothing was wrong and continued his coldness.

 

I admit that maybe I didn't try hard enough, but there was only so much I can take. I spoke to him about it and he said I should dump him. I figured I wasn't good enough so I did just that. My feelings never changed. It wasn't revenge, mind you. It was something I thought was for the best since he didn't seem interested anymore.

 

He had already dumped you. You just hadn't been informed yet. Mine said the same thing the last weeks before i got dumped. You should just BU with me. I knew the final blow was coming.

 

Thus you are the dumpee. Sorts immaterial at this point anyway.

[treezy]

It's okay. I like new perspectives. My ex doesn't seem to care about the breakup. I think he saw it coming, in fact he even asked why I put up with it for so long. You see why I was frustrated that day? It seemed like he really wanted me to go away. Can I ask why your ex dumped you?

[HKcolon]

IMO dumpers are usually selfish and egoistic. The fact that they committed to the relationship and made promises and then choose to breakup is in itself a violation of basic ethics and morals. I understand a relationship isnt a legal and ninding contract but neither are morals. Lets admit it, dumpers are unethical - they are the kind of people who will break the law when it suits them or when they feel they wont get caught. And the fact that dumpers are will to completely cut off the dumpees prove this... they have feelings but the wrong kinds. Everyone has problems in todays world but ethical people choose to work with the problems and try and resolve them.

 

CONCLUSION: Dumpers are irresponsible and unethical.

 

Excuse me? I don't know why you quoted me, but if you are suggesting that I am unethical, immoral, and irresponsible then you have another thing coming:

 

My exs broke the law numerous times before and during our relationship -- not to mention repeatedly breaking promises. In fact, these were the reasons for both of my breakups -- because I don't believe in unethical, immoral practices and can only trust someone so many times. I gave a ridiculous number of second, third...tenth, twentieth chances to both of these men. Sure, I've broken the law myself...j-walking. But I've never approached the extremities of human trafficking and drugs for one.

 

There are only so many times a person can forgive another and be treated like a DOOR MAT. Not all dumpees or dumpers have the same stories or reasons. Sure, obviously some dumpers are unethical and immoral.

 

My last ex was dumped by EVERY SINGLE one of his girlfriends/divorce initiated by wife -- Was it because us dumpers were ALL just unethical? Nooo...quite the opposite! He was the one cheating, beating and objectifying women. He said straight from his mouth that he was too old to change, that he was a jerk.

 

After forgiving someone repeatedly only to be let down again, why bother keeping contact? After 10 chances, why should I or anyone trust that person to change the 11th time! What is the point of keeping contact? They'll never change! If they had shown me respect and kindness like I had shown them, there would have been no need for a breakup in the first place. I don't owe them anything anymore, so they can go f*ck themselves and find their own closure.

 

PS: I resolved all my problems: All I had to do was toss my problems (exes) to the curb. Hhhh

Edited February 15, 2013 by HKcolon

[HKcolon]

Correction, MOST dumpers are unethical and immoral.

 

Most definitely in my case she met someone or her friends said they would set her up and she decided he was more suitable than me. Sounds like the only reasonable explanation

 

Have you ever thought that you just attract the same kind of person repeatedly?

 

I'm in counseling for this reason, and supposedly we unconsciously attract people like our parents (for better or worse) until we consciously realize what is happening and can break the pattern. In my case my first ex was like my mom (in the bad ways), and my second like my father (which all-around is a pretty bad thing).

 

It sounds like your exes didn't respect you either. They didn't consider your feelings or? My counselor told me something really interesting (to me at least): If you can't respect/treat yourself well physically, emotionally, and even verbally (ie. not putting yourself down in your head and instead complimenting yourself)...then you can't expect to find someone who will.

 

Not sure if that would help you any if you're experiencing a pattern, but it gave me something to think about.

[stevie_23]

IMO dumpers are usually selfish and egoistic. The fact that they committed to the relationship and made promises and then choose to breakup is in itself a violation of basic ethics and morals. I understand a relationship isnt a legal and ninding contract but neither are morals. Lets admit it, dumpers are unethical - they are the kind of people who will break the law when it suits them or when they feel they wont get caught. And the fact that dumpers are will to completely cut off the dumpees prove this... they have feelings but the wrong kinds. Everyone has problems in todays world but ethical people choose to work with the problems and try and resolve them.

 

CONCLUSION: Dumpers are irresponsible and unethical.

 

I actually find this somewhat ridiculous, not to be rude, and I mean no offence, but to call all dumpers irresponsible and unethical is just...INACCURATE.

 

They're the kind of people who will break the law? Why? Because they loved their partner and then their feelings changed even if they didn't want them to and they had no choice but to either follow their own happiness and end the relationship (not always, but sometimes as gently as possible), or to continue on in the relationship but living a lie?

 

Or because a dumper was abused or cheated on or any other violation of the trust and respect in the relationship and for their own sake, dumped their partner as a result? (or is this acceptable by your definition because the dumpee "committed the relationship crime" first?)

 

Nothing is black and white. NOTHING is simple. Your opinion is ignorant in my view.

[stevie_23]

This is a tough one. I don't even know if I was the dumper or dumpee. I broke it off because my ex was acting cold and distant, ignoring me and treating me like I didn't matter.

 

I tried hard to put up with it, I couldn't take it anymore so I ended it. In my case I feel terrible everyday, while my ex is probably out there having fun and moving on.

 

I still love and miss him, and my feelings never changed. I think of him every single minute, and wish there was something I could do to rectify it but it's all too late. Anyway even if I could turn back time I probably wouldn't have done anything different, I was mentally drained and exhausted at how he was treating me. I believe I was forced to dump him. That's my take on being a dumper. Hope it answers the question.

 

See? Again, nothing is simple or black and white.

 

Technically, you were the dumper, but it sounds as if your ex opted out of the relationship before you actually ended it for your own good and self respect. Emotionally, he left you. On a practical level, you left him. In my opinion, you took the necessary steps to preserve your happiness (even though you're obviously not happy now, but your long term happiness. You needed more than what he was able to give you in that relationship and you knew that, so you ended because even though it sucks right now, at least you're not with someone you know isn't that interested...that sucks even more, believe me.)

[stevie_23]

FACT1: You broke up with him, that means you dumped him. You didnt want to work things out or ask him what was wrong. he could be going through **** he couldnt talk about.

 

FACT2: Dont say u tried to put up with it. You didnt try hard enough. A part of loving someone is even being patient - ask your parents, they love you unconditionally. Your loving him had enough conditions than a european peace treaty!

 

FACT3: Your feelings have changed and thats why you ended it. You were mentally drained and exhausted and u decided to hit him with the B-bomb so you could get your revenge.

 

CONCLUSION: Nobody forced your to fall in 'love', nobody forced you to dump him. You took the decision and now u feel guilty about it. Thats the only reason you feel bad.

 

Oh my GOD! How mangled are your attitudes here!? How did you get this like? Sounds to me like you've been SERIOUSLY hurt by at least one person who at some stage meant the world to you!

 

How dare you say that someone who felt hurt and abandoned emotionally by their partner, who clearly had fallen out of love with them already and was no longer interesting in or able to be a proper partner, feels GUILTY and THAT is why she feels bad now?? What the HELL is that!? Nonsense, that's what.

 

I find it sad that if you HAVE been hurt by someone, Mutantswordfish, that your heart has hardened and become so twisted like this as a result.

 

I've had my heart shattered into a million pieces fairly recently, but my heart has GROWN as a result. It is capable of MORE love than ever, and also a great deal of deeper understanding of people in general...and for that, I am grateful.

 

UPDATE - I just read more of this thread, and I see that Mutant's feelings may be coming from a lot of very fresh pain and anger...so...yeah.

Edited February 16, 2013 by stevie_23

[treezy]

It's fine guys, doesn't matter anymore. I called that jerk yesterday and he turned around and dumped me. Said his feelings changed and that our relationship didn't mean anything to him at all. Guess I'm the dumpee here. And a fool for caring about his feelings and trying to make sure he isn't hurt by me ending things.

[destroyed4sho]

Mutantswordfish...i agree with your statement. But in this girls case this guy already checked out of the relationship before she dumped him. It sounded like he didnt want to mocethe r elationship forward and was too much of a wimp to break it off...if she hadnt first it seems like he was well on his way to doing it sometime soon. I think if i were to do thinfs over i would of.broken up.wih my ex too insted of her doing it firat. It would of saved me time and.my dignity. :-(