ShinyDome Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 Hi, I am having a serious problem with a girl I love with all my heart. I am 23 years old and a college student, she is 20 years old and a mother of two. I got to know her very well as we both use to work together. Her and I and two other guys that worked with us all started to hang out alot, just about every day for two months. We were all very good friends, or so we thought. But, one day I worked up the courage to ask her out, and she said yes. we began dating and it lasted a couple weeks. We ended up stopping because the other two guys that were our friends had alot of problems with us dating and they started to treat us like crap trying to break us up, they finally succeeded. I admit i did some stupid things also which did piss her off, but not to the point where it would have ended our relationship, but she has since forgiven me. [side note about me - I dont date a whole lot due to my schooling which has left me with little time for relationships. I am a very sincere person and very honest and open with her about everything. I was also raised to treat women with respect and to put them first. Oh, and I also have never been with a girl before but by choice as I have never found that someone that I cared about/who cared about me enough to share that special thing with.... Side note about her - She's very honest with me and very straight forward. She's also very smart, sweet and drop dead gorgeous (way out of my league), But all the men in her life have always abused her, physically and what seems to me, emotionally.] Well, to make a long story short, those two other guys are no longer in the picture, once they found out that I was still hanging out with her without them around, they split and havent talked to us since. so F*** them. She knows i would do anything in this world for her, and she tells me that she cares about me and that she does want to be with me; also that no one has ever treated her the way that I do. Well, We recently had a conversation and the subject of us getting back together came up (it does quite frequently), well she started giving me reasons left and right why we shouldnt be together, many of these reasons she had given me before, even while we were dating the frist time, reasons such as: She thinks i deserve someone better, She thinks highly of me and doesnt want me to end up turning into someone like her ex's, and that maybe I should date some other girls to make sure I really want to be with her... I always answer those with something like, I know what i want, and its her, and that I am not her ex....etc etc... I have talked to some of my friends and they said that their girl friends have said those same things to them at one point in time... Well, then she gave me one other reason after I talked to her for a bit longer, She said that she just wanted to be single for a while because she hasnt been single for 6 years due to her two past relationships...I told her I would do my best to be her friend. Well, a couple days went by following that conversation and she had stopped talking to me for a couple of days and a couple things happened between her and a friend of hers. Well, I sent her a text message on her phone saying that I was going to back off a little and give her some space, and that if she needs anything that I am here for her. I also told her that I was going to try and date some other girls like she suggested I do. I know in my heart that I couldnt ever bring myself to ask out another girl as she is the person that is always on my mind... Well, about 3 days go by and out of no where she sends me a text message on my phone saying Hi and stuff, we sent a few messages back and forth, very brief and quick.... About 3 in the morning the next day she text messaged me again saying that she really missed me. The next day i tried to go hang out with her, but she ended up feeling sick and wasnt able to meet up with me... Question 1: Am I getting sucked into one of those games that some girls play? She swears that she doesnt play games like that, and I know she's honest with me....I just feel like i am being pushed away and then pulled back in .....just to be pushed away again.. Question 2: If she says that she wants to be with me and she knows that I want to be with her.....Why arnt we together? Iv always gone after things that I wanted. Question 3: How should I proceed in this relationship. She says that she just wants to be friends for a while, which is cool, But I care about her so much and I dont want to just push aside everything i feel for her. Question 4: Does her saying that she wants to be single for a while mean that she just wants to be able to go out and see other guys? Or does that mean that she just doesnt want to have the emotional bond with me right now and that she just wants to have fun? Question 5: Is it a turn off to girls to be a guys first? I always thought it would be more of a turn on, but she has told me that she doesnt want me to regret being with her as my first....I dont know how to reply to that...I know I would never regret being with her because I care about her so much. I know its hard to answer these questions because ya'll dont know her, but I would appreciate any sort of Insight you can give me. Thank you.
uriel Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 I think it's likely that she was with men who mistreated her earlier because she had chaotic emotional patterns (from early childhood issues) that both attracted them and encouraged her to stay with them, even when they mistreated her. The consequence was that she ended up with two kids at 20 years of age. Now, she may have gotten her life together and established a more outwardly stable existence. However, she 1) hasn't been single all that long, 2) still has an inwardly chaotic emotional life, 3) still needs to be very careful about making bad choices. Old habits die hard. Women like this RARELY choose and stay with a nice guy. They will pass him over for a bad apple any day. Nice guys don't feel natural to them, and don't trigger their deeper emotional issues -- which means the romantic spark isn't as intense. She likely feels safe with you, not knocked down on her butt with love. Unfortunately, for a woman like her, that feeling from a man likely means he's a creep who's going to do to her whatever her father did. Now -- I don't know her. I'm only telling you a general pattern that may be in play here. But, my guess is she's not so much playing with your head as she is messed up in her own. -- uriel
tokyo Posted August 28, 2004 Posted August 28, 2004 I liked what uriel said. This is going to be tough if you want to stay, but it´s worth a try if your feelings are strong enough.
mommabug Posted September 2, 2004 Posted September 2, 2004 sounds to me like you've already considered all the reasons for her warm/cold behavior. i think your on the right track. sounds like she really cares for you but doesn't want a serious relationship so soon. i know it's hard to do but i would encourage her to be single for some time. let her find herself. she is young still and has a lot of responsibility with two children. as far as her saying you should date other people so you will truly know what you want...etc. this sounds like she has been hurt in the past by either cheating boyfriends or a guy that simply changed his mind and left her. you sound like a good guy. she may need time to be able to believe that she is worth loving and to be able to trust a man. except for having two children she sounds like me at certain points in my life. in the end my heart won over my sense of logic and i allowed myself to get seriously involved again. don't give up all hope but don't put all your eggs in one basket either. keep some emotional distance until she figures out what is best for her. i don't think she is playing games. just confussed and scared.
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