THIS is why you don't check up on your ex online! Confusion reigns!

[stevie_23]

Ok, seriously. I have told others on here that they shouldn’t check up on their exes online because there’s no point and it’s mixed messages / passive observation and not proper direct information, and yet I for some reason continue to do this myself. SIGH.

 

And now I feel weird because my ex posted on the songwriting forum (and up until now, all his posts have been pretty non-eventful and benign, so maybe that’s why I keep doing it…because it provides some sort of lame comfort for me) that his hearing was deteriorating (which I already knew) and that he has selective hearing, and he said “Oooh, I think I hear my wife waking from her nap…advantage – me.” What does this mean??? He’s never called her his wife before. He never even mentioned her existence on that songwriting forum or the other one we were both on. And why is it an advantage for him to hear her waking up from her nap? For what purpose? Sex? Surely not!!! AND he posted it in the middle of the day. He should’ve been at work, not at home! And why was his wife home? What the f**k is going on!?

 

See why you should NOT check up on your ex online? There is NO positive to doing it at ALL! Learn from my experience.

[Toddbt12y1]

I don't know whether to give you a /hug or not. It could mean an infinites number of things, if you let it. Maybe he was going to have sex with her. Maybe to bother you. Maybe just saying it. Calling her wife? Dunno. Not really enough to go on.

 

Too many maybes. You shouldn't look him up. Be strong. Do not seek after the delusional married man.

 

You are too beautiful to trap yourself like this Stevie.

[stevie_23]

Oh, god no. That’s one thing I DO know beyond any doubt whatsoever is he would NEVER post anything that would deliberately bother or upset me.

 

I don’t think he was going to have sex with her. I think he was just doing that thing “older” men do about being there for the wife. Like, she wakes up from a nap and he’s aware of it before she comes in, nagging or something. I’m still confused as to why he was at home though.

 

As far as calling her his wife? Well, she IS his wife after all. So I guess maybe he’s starting to call her that now. As I said, he never called her that before. Mainly because they only got married back in June last year, but also he just never referred to her at all on these songwriting forums to his friends.

 

Thank you for your words.

[Toddbt12y1]

I see.

 

He may have had the day off silly.

 

Hugs*

[stevie_23]

No. He never has the day off. I am so stupid I even googled USA public holidays to see if everyone had a day off, but no.

 

He posted 4 hours ago...which was about 4pm Wednesday afternoon his time. And he'd been posting all day as well, which is unusual, so yeah, he was definitely home.

 

Why am I acting like a psychotic spy???

[Toddbt12y1]

Where does he work out?

 

Awh....don't be sad lil lady. It's truly sad, when a cute face is sad.

[316]

Why am I acting like a psychotic spy???

 

Because you aren't over him silly!

 

And sitting here analyzing what he's doing ain't gonna do nothin for your healing process (and you know this!). Go watch TV or something. lol

[21heartless]

My ex girlfriend just broke up with me a few days ago. And we weren't even friends on Facebook but she just blocked me I guess today because her picture doesn't show up in my messages both of our profiles were private why did it even matter?

[Toddbt12y1]

It doesn't matter. See it as that. She may have thought you where spying. Doesn't matter eitherway. See it as a blessing.

[stevie_23]

Well...see, this is the other thing. It's like...none of those secondary things after a break up matter at all, because quite frankly - they have BROKEN UP with you. So anything subsequent to that? It's irrelevant.

 

He works 8.30am - 5.30pm Mon - Fri at the office. His wife does shift work at a pharmacy and is often home during the day so that's not abnormal that she was having a nap, though usually she works 6-7 days a week.

 

I can't watch TV! I'm at work, and bored! I only ever online-check him when I'm at work, because I'm bored and succumb. It's almost become an OCD thing. If I check and all is well and non-eventful, I can relax. If I don't check then I wonder...and wonder...and WONDER.

 

Anyway, ok. I’ve kind of “recovered” from my initial feelings about this.

 

And now I’m just analysing myself (as usual). Why do I STILL care what he is doing and thinking? Why am I still scrabbling (albeit in a controlled and restrained manner) for any scrap of a tiny sign that maybe he still loves me?

 

I had lulled myself into a false sense of…something…that I was ok and didn’t care about this stuff because as long as I checked his posts on that forum and saw nothing relevant or nothing that went against what I wanted to believe (that he loved me, that he still loves me and thinks of me, and would be with me if he could, and would never deliberately hurt me), but as soon as I read something that doesn’t quite fit with that, I freak out? It’s stupid. And it means I’m still not as moved on as I thought or would like.

 

Then I just read in another thread on LS (in the other woman / other man / married man, etc section) that if you want to be friends with your ex married man, you should give it a long time so the woman can adapt, because otherwise she would just want to go straight back into the affair relationship again. And as soon as I read this, I longed for him to want to be friends with me. And then now that I have adjusted to this slightly new perspective, I know that if he DID want to be friends with me, this would make me happy except that (1) I would just want to be with him again and it’d probably not end well, and (2) If he really did want to be friends and nothing more, then that really would be the final nail in my coffin in terms of any teeny tiny hope that he might ever want to be with me again. Yep.

[Toddbt12y1]

You've given into the wrong hope. You hope by looking at his posts that you will find nothing(to feel good) or find something about him missing you(to feel like there is a chance.)

 

Eitherway, realize that you have to overcome this. I know what it's like to be bored and look them up...same reasons. You have LS use it to keep entertained and off his posts.

 

 

You're regressing not progressing.

[stevie_23]

Yeah…I don’t think I’m regressing though, because I have been looking at that songwriting forum most days since he left. So that hasn’t changed. It just doesn’t make me shake with anxiety beforehand anymore. Lol. I don’t care as MUCH what he says, even if it’s not good (in my view), as I used to. But I do still care. It’s only been 2 months since he left and I had no idea he’d even left at first because he didn’t tell me. It’s been 6 weeks since we last spoke. So…yeah. It’s still fresh I guess.

[Toddbt12y1]

I suspect if its been six weeks he's probably not truly concerned with you...anymore...

 

He had his fun and bailed.

 

Mymy you're really a pretty lady, sucks you have to hurt over this Guy. You could easily find someone better and single.

[21heartless]

It doesn't matter. See it as that. She may have thought you where spying. Doesn't matter eitherway. See it as a blessing.

 

Eh maybe your right It doesn't matter. Idk why she would even think I was spying I haven't contacted her since the breakup even though I really love her and need her. But your right just didnt make sense to me. Ill see it as a blessing

[Toddbt12y1]

Eh maybe your right It doesn't matter. Idk why she would even think I was spying I haven't contacted her since the breakup even though I really love her and need her. But your right just didnt make sense to me. Ill see it as a blessing

 

I am sorry. In time you truly will see it as a blessing. You don't have to look at her and be hurt now...by what you see.

[316]

You are too beautiful to trap yourself like this Stevie.

 

Awh....don't be sad lil lady. It's truly sad, when a cute face is sad.

 

Mymy you're really a pretty lady, sucks you have to hurt over this Guy.

 

Looks like someone has an internet crush.

[stevie_23]

Well…6 weeks NC, yeah. In that time, he wrote 3 songs. The first was called “Remember”, and it was the one that told me for the first time that he had left me. It was about how our time had been stretched thin, and time was not our friend, but if we remembered, our time would come again.

 

The next song, 2 weeks later, was called “Meet Me In Your Dreams” and it was about having a second chance next time around, and being together only in our dreams now because we couldn’t anymore in reality.

 

The next song which was a few weeks ago was called “A Heart Like Mine”, and it was about how beneath the surface was cold, cold steel. His heart has turned to steel in order for him to heal, and in time he will. And it was about how cold hard truth lay beneath a heart like his. That truth is one he had been denying for a long time – that it just couldn’t work for us, not with his wife, his life the way it is, my partner, our distance, etc. His hard truth is he has to live HIS life, even though he doesn’t want to be there and never felt he fit in there.

 

So he IS still…thinking of me and of our time.

 

One other post on that songwriting forum concerned the fact he’s been trying not to write any new songs lately, but is just playing guitar and sitting quietly and thinking and catching up with things. I think he knows if he keeps writing new songs (which he is prone to do when stuff is on his mind, especially) he will just keep dwelling and not moving forward just yet.

 

He doesn't think of our time as just fun. No way. It wasn’t ENOUGH fun anyway, for him to do that. If it was only about fun for him, he would’ve bailed long ago. We went through a lot together. He helped me and stuck by me through a hell of a lot of hard times in my life, and I helped him too with his struggles. He was in it for the long haul, but it honestly got too difficult for him when his wife kept tightening her grip.

[Toddbt12y1]

Looks like someone has an internet crush.

 

LOL! I love this! Made me laugh. Actually I am very free with compliments. Especially when trying to cheer a lady up.

[Toddbt12y1]

Sorry Stevie.

 

You where in a losing battle really. He had that wife. I am sure she would tighten her grip...he was gonna choose her in the end and did so. Maybe he does miss you, I am not in his head to know for sure. ...

[GingerVixen]

Just don't , DO NOT read his posts on this forum anymore. You're making a big progress by realizing that this is not the right thing to do. He has this wife. He has this hearing problem. He talked about hearing her wake up as a joke , stupid jokes men do "oh I heard her so I will never be caught" . Don't waste your time trying to understand the philosophy and psychology and metaphysics behind this sentence. If he truly wanted to talk to you again, he would . Considering everything you've posted here about him, I can say he's really a guy who doesn't even know what he wants from life.

 

You know, I've been also really pensive about some guys and I just got rid of the trap when I realize I was actually PHYSICALLY AND LITERALLY tired of thinking of the person. Pay close attention to your feelings and notice if you've reached this level. Maybe you've already set yourself free from this situation and haven't even realized it yet.

[Lillyfree]

yeah.... i read some of xOM's posts from a forum yesterday. been in a bit of a funk since...

 

bad, bad idea.

[stevie_23]

You know, I've been also really pensive about some guys and I just got rid of the trap when I realize I was actually PHYSICALLY AND LITERALLY tired of thinking of the person. Pay close attention to your feelings and notice if you've reached this level. Maybe you've already set yourself free from this situation and haven't even realized it yet.

 

Yeah…it’s very true. This is what has continuously helped me get over each small bump in the path to moving on, very gradually – being TIRED of it. Tired of feeling the way I had been. Tired of being so tense my chest would hurt every morning when I woke up. Tired of shaking from anxiety whenever I went to check his posts on that forum. Tired of being so SAD all the time. Tired of my swirling thoughts, going over and over, tired of having imaginary conversations with him in my mind. None of it helped me, none of it would ever change anything, so…I got just plaint TIRED.

 

And you're right - my ex-MM has never known what he wants in life. He's told me that before. He's been wandering, lost, his whole life. He said he felt he'd finally found the right person now (me) after all this time. But still...he's wandering.

[Sugarkane]

Majority of the time the married man will never leave The wife. Look at why you want to be with someone who's married and won't choose you. It's a waste of time.

[stevie_23]

I know, I know.

 

In his case, he left his 2nd marriage to be with the woman who became his 3rd wife. Then he left his 4th wife to be with the woman who he is now married to. And he would have left her too and been with me if circumstances were different.

 

So sometimes they DO leave. But mostly they don’t.

[316]

I know, I know.

 

In his case, he left his 2nd marriage to be with the woman who became his 3rd wife. Then he left his 4th wife to be with the woman who he is now married to. And he would have left her too and been with me if circumstances were different.

 

So sometimes they DO leave. But mostly they don’t.

 

I'm sorry if I'm getting to personal here but why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone that indecisive?

 

Even if he came back wouldn't you be afraid that you'd be left for another woman as well?