destroyed4sho Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I know it's hard. My ex contacted me on Valentines night, then again on Friday. All bread crumbs. I didn't reply. And for the first time I didn't over think things, I just told myself 'It doesn't mean anything' I used to reply, we'd talk for a few days, then it would stop and it felt like breaking up all over again, if not worse. Yeah, Not replying did the trick didn't it? I did have some after effects from her email 2 days later...i got really depressed. But I am better today...it would of been worse if I responded.
LostGirl11 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Yeah, Not replying did the trick didn't it? I did have some after effects from her email 2 days later...i got really depressed. But I am better today...it would of been worse if I responded. Yep. If you replied you would have felt depressed and anxious for a lot longer than two days. Keep strong.
treezy Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I don't know which is more terrible, having your ex still texting you or having your ex cut you off. My ex told me not to call anymore.
Author iouaname Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 I don't know which is more terrible, having your ex still texting you or having your ex cut you off. My ex told me not to call anymore. aw, I'm sorry hon That would be devastating for me. This way is difficult because I feel such guilt and anxiety over the situation - but I can't imagine how I would feel if he had just told me to never contact him again. I think that I might move on quicker because I'd immediately hate his guts.
cavalier99 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I don't know which is more terrible, having your ex still texting you or having your ex cut you off. My ex told me not to call anymore. Ha Consider your self lucky. No worry in immediate future of bread crumbs to set you back. It is all the same in the end. We recover without them no matter what they tell us. They don't matter we do.
New2Love4Now Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I think I might be able to offer some insight to this... I was in a long distance relationship with a girl who was EXTREMELY needy and clingy. She did not stop texting me for a single second of the day. I eventually got extremely annoyed by it, although I never told her this. I was questioning whether or not I even loved her. Then, out of nowhere, she breaks it off with me and I was a wreck. We want what we can't have and we take for granted that which we have. I became so comfortable with the idea of her always being around that I didn't even know how much she meant to me until she was gone.
Author iouaname Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 My ex and I had a lot of fights before the break-up about neediness and codependency. We were long distance so it required a bit more work to see each other and to keep in touch. Over the summer, I had gotten so used to having him whenever I wanted, and he was the same. He used to even wake up early just because he wanted to be able to text me and keep me company while I was at work. Then when he started his full time job, it became more of a hassle for him to keep in touch with me at work. So, I backed off. Then, it became too much of a hassle to keep in touch after work when he was out with friends. I felt that he wasn't putting enough effort in, but I backed off. And then he basically told me that he only wanted to speak to me when he was home and around. I just felt like he made no effort and at that point, I was not okay with it and we basically agreed we were going to have to break up. Maybe I did become kind of needy and dependent on him, but whenever he felt stifled, I backed off, until it became clear that he just didn't want to be in a relationship. New2Love - maybe that's what it is. Maybe when I'm gone he does start to realize what he's missing. I'm not sure, though.
Loveshax Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Wow iouaname, I see a lot of similarities between our relationships. I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend of a year. She was also very needy and codependent. For awhile, it felt good to know that someone really "needed" me. I loved being able to provide that kind of love and support to someone who truly appreciated it. Sometimes though, it also felt like a bit of a burden. She was wonderful to me, but I kept finding ways to push her away. I pushed and pushed and pushed until finally, one day, she told me "goodbye." Of course, she had said this many times before so I didn't believe her. A few days went by. I didn't bother calling or emailing. Basically, I took her for granted. A week later, I gave her a call. She had blocked my number. She really meant it this time. I miss her terribly but I've kept my distance. I figure that once she has healed, or has had time to think, she will give me a call. In the mean time, I am going to continue living my life. Some days are bad, some days are really really bad, and some are downright miserable. But right now, I think we both need time and space to reflect and think about what we really want. I've contemplated just driving out there (we are long distance, 4 hours away) and seeking her forgiveness, but I'm afraid that my apology would be meaningless (I've apologized many time before). I think you really just need to give each other space so you can think clearly and rationally. 1
LostGirl11 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 My ex and I had a lot of fights before the break-up about neediness and codependency. We were long distance so it required a bit more work to see each other and to keep in touch. Over the summer, I had gotten so used to having him whenever I wanted, and he was the same. He used to even wake up early just because he wanted to be able to text me and keep me company while I was at work. Then when he started his full time job, it became more of a hassle for him to keep in touch with me at work. So, I backed off. Then, it became too much of a hassle to keep in touch after work when he was out with friends. I felt that he wasn't putting enough effort in, but I backed off. And then he basically told me that he only wanted to speak to me when he was home and around. I just felt like he made no effort and at that point, I was not okay with it and we basically agreed we were going to have to break up. Maybe I did become kind of needy and dependent on him, but whenever he felt stifled, I backed off, until it became clear that he just didn't want to be in a relationship. New2Love - maybe that's what it is. Maybe when I'm gone he does start to realize what he's missing. I'm not sure, though. So you were basically a chore to him. Hope you didn't reply.
Author iouaname Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Had a rough morning Since leaving me that e-mail on Sunday, my ex hasn't attempted to contact me again. I figure he just gave up and realized that I wasn't going to respond. This morning has hit me hard, though. I am anxious wondering if he's going to try and contact me again, and I'm sad that tonight will be the first night we won't be watching "our" show together. I've felt the urge to contact him all day this morning but keep trying to do different things to distract myself. This sucks
Author iouaname Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I've been doing so well this weekend, I've actually surprised myself by how good I've been feeling. Then tonight -- and I wasn't expecting it -- he called. I didn't answer but he left a voicemail (it's been a week since the last time he called), just kind of updating me on what he was doing and how his boss was being crazy, and then said he missed me last week when our show was on and I didn't watch with him. I don't feel that it's broken me at all, I still feel good after this weekend and I feel good about moving forward with the plans that I have, but I hate that he acts like nothing happened. Oh well. I have a plan for myself right now and I'm feeling good about it.
LostGirl11 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 (edited) I've been doing so well this weekend, I've actually surprised myself by how good I've been feeling. Then tonight -- and I wasn't expecting it -- he called. I didn't answer but he left a voicemail (it's been a week since the last time he called), just kind of updating me on what he was doing and how his boss was being crazy, and then said he missed me last week when our show was on and I didn't watch with him. I don't feel that it's broken me at all, I still feel good after this weekend and I feel good about moving forward with the plans that I have, but I hate that he acts like nothing happened. Oh well. I have a plan for myself right now and I'm feeling good about it. Maybe you should text him, say something like 'Look, I can't talk to you, I need to move on so we can't be friends, please respect this. Take care.' He doesn't think anything of it, it's not a big deal to him so he needs to be told. Edited February 25, 2013 by LostGirl11
Author iouaname Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I would, but then I feel like I have to start over with no contact in a sense. I don't want to "break my streak" so to speak. I get a boost of confidence when I look at how long I've been no contact and it helps me continue to stay no contact, so I don't want to break it. I think that he does realize what's happening, he just isn't in control and is looking for it. I think that he's pretending that nothing is going on because leaving a voicemail saying "PLEASE SPEAK TO ME AND VALIDATE ME SO I DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT MY DECISION AND CAN STILL HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE UNDER MY CONDITIONS" sounds a bit dumb 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 God woman, you are doing so well! And written like that it sounds patronising and condescending, but it's not intended to be!! Yup!! Stay NC - One of LS's little success stories!
LostGirl11 Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 But his phone calls are affecting you, they leave you feeling like crap then even crapper when they stop. I don't know, just thought it would be easier if you just told him once and for all to leave you alone unless he wants you back. Men are such tools.
Author iouaname Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 Thank you, Tara! I honestly have felt so much better this weekend for some reason. I can't put my finger on what it is, but it was like my own little epiphany. I have spent so much time thinking about him, and now I've just kind of turned my attention inward on myself and it has made a world of difference in my thinking and my mood. I can't say it will last forever or that I won't have a few days here and there when I'm down, but I'm trying to ride the high right now and take it for all it's worth! I'm thinking that I might ditch this thread and start one in the coping section just to sort of diary my new mindset and situation. and LostGirl - they were affecting me quite a bit in the beginning, when he was calling me multiple times a day every day, but I had also just gone no contact. He stopped that and it's now less frequent. It does get to me a bit, but it doesn't balance out the way that I feel having made it this far through NC, if that makes sense? I have a NC resolution, I think that I'll post about it in the coping thread I plan on making?
LostGirl11 Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 Thank you, Tara! I honestly have felt so much better this weekend for some reason. I can't put my finger on what it is, but it was like my own little epiphany. I have spent so much time thinking about him, and now I've just kind of turned my attention inward on myself and it has made a world of difference in my thinking and my mood. I can't say it will last forever or that I won't have a few days here and there when I'm down, but I'm trying to ride the high right now and take it for all it's worth! I'm thinking that I might ditch this thread and start one in the coping section just to sort of diary my new mindset and situation. and LostGirl - they were affecting me quite a bit in the beginning, when he was calling me multiple times a day every day, but I had also just gone no contact. He stopped that and it's now less frequent. It does get to me a bit, but it doesn't balance out the way that I feel having made it this far through NC, if that makes sense? I have a NC resolution, I think that I'll post about it in the coping thread I plan on making? Yep, do it
Author iouaname Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Today has been a little tough for me Since Friday I've been feeling really great, so I think I was kind of due for a down day. I've been having thoughts all morning, replaying the last few months of the relationship. I feel humiliated that he was working on an exit strategy that entire time. When I drove 8 hours to see him and spent my Thanksgiving break with him instead of my family, he was contemplating how to break up with me. He must have wanted to for a while but felt too guilty or something. It's embarrassing. I want to speak to him and let him know how angry I am about this, not that it matters. I have noticed that even though today has been tough, it's still much better than the really down days that I've had in the past, so that's a +
TaraMaiden Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 Yeah, that IS a plus. Whenever I feel down, I give myself some finite time. It's a hard discipline at first, but after a while it gets easier.... I look at my watch and if it's 3pm, I tell myself - "OK, girl - you have until 3.30 to really wallow. Be as miserable as you want. Go for it. Do whatever you need, and whatever it takes to really 'FEEL' how you're feeling. But at 3.30 - shut the hell up and snap out of it. Life's too short to be miserable. Remember: Every minute you spend angry, is 60-second's-worth of good time, missed. And you won't get those back. They're gone. So if you're going to use time to wallow - make it good." 3
Author iouaname Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Thanks! I did just that. I gave myself until 1:00 and then I got up, showered, did some laundry and decided to dive into some school work. I mean - maybe I can't stop the thoughts from occurring, but I can at least stop them from halting my life. I'll just take this day slowly, I guess... 1
LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Yeah, that IS a plus. Whenever I feel down, I give myself some finite time. It's a hard discipline at first, but after a while it gets easier.... I look at my watch and if it's 3pm, I tell myself - "OK, girl - you have until 3.30 to really wallow. Be as miserable as you want. Go for it. Do whatever you need, and whatever it takes to really 'FEEL' how you're feeling. But at 3.30 - shut the hell up and snap out of it. Life's too short to be miserable. Remember: Every minute you spend angry, is 60-second's-worth of good time, missed. And you won't get those back. They're gone. So if you're going to use time to wallow - make it good." I've been doing something similar to this. Whenever I feel myself starting to dwell I think to myself 'Right I can either sit here and think about this for an hour and get myself in a state over something that can't be changed or I can get up a do something' Then I picture myself doing something and not thinking about him, then I get up and do that thing! Hope that makes sense! 2
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 You know, I can't help thinking that we're stronger than we look.... And currently (sadly), we're a lot 'stronger' than some of the guys posting with similar issues..... *shrug*
LostGirl11 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I've had enough of dwelling. Of course I have bad days and think about him more that I care to but I stop myself every time now, something I wasn't able to do. 1
Author iouaname Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 I read somewhere on this site that weeks 3 and 4 of no contact tend to be the hardest for people, and I'm beginning to see what people meant by that. I'm almost at one month of no contact and while I'm proud of myself for it -- I'm beginning to have so much anxiety. My ex had attempted to get in contact with me, and has called every Sunday since I went no contact. I have a gut feeling that he has gotten the hint and will not be contacting me tonight, but a silly little part of me feels sad about that because of what that means I've been wanting to break no contact so much this weekend. I'm not even sure why. I miss him, I want to know that he's thinking about me and that he's missing me, and I want to bitch him out because I'm so angry over a lot of the things that were done and said... but I'm determined to make it to the one month mark though, so hopefully by the time I get there, I'll have a renewed determination.
cavalier99 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 You just keep on going. There are so many ups and downs over the months so many emotions that get processed, your mind playing tricks on you to break NC, it is too hard to detail everything. You just need to ride it out no matter what , and accept that these thoughts and feelings will come and go. While they are happening it is hard to see that they will eventually go away. Whether it be minutes, days or weeks. Enjoy and accept the ride Stay strong. Cav 1
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