needy and codependent?

[iouaname]

when my ex and I split, some discussion about my neediness and codependency came up. I was a wreck after the break up and I'm sure that didn't help (in fact, I know it didn't) in making him see me as less needy.

 

I went no contact (I started a thread about it), as I just wanted to retain my dignity and get my life back, and now he's trying desperately to get in touch with me. People suggested blocking his number but I didn't see the need because I didn't think for a second that he'd try to get in touch. He called me 8 times on Sunday and left an e-mail asking me to give him a call. Then he called 3 times on Monday and left a voice-mail stating that he was worried about me and that it hurts him to not have contact. Then, he called yesterday morning and two times yesterday afternoon, and again this morning. Since there has been no apology or admission of a mistake, I have not responded and have been looking into how to block the numbers on my phone.

 

But I'm confused. I thought I was needy and codependent? So why, when I withdraw from his life and no longer display that to him, is he so desperate to get in touch? Is he just trying to relieve his own guilt because he knows how badly this has hurt me?

[TaraMaiden]

Is he just trying to relieve his own guilt because he knows how badly this has hurt me?

 

Not exactly, no.....

 

He's trying to get you to respond in order to relieve his guilt and make himself feel better about his actions.

 

If you respond, and engage with him on a non-committal level, then you're ok being his 'friend' - which means, he can't have hurt you all that much, which means you still like him, which means he's an ok, compassionate guy and so kind for staying in touch - yay him.

 

It's done for his benefit, not yours.

It's done to make himself feel better, not you.

 

Many, many hearty and sincere heart-felt congratulations for having resisted all and any temptation to respond.

 

If you can't block him on your phone, then consider changing your number. I know it sucks, but it can be done and it would stop the pestering.

 

Even blocking cannot always prevent texts however, so the No Contact Guide provides for that too.....

 

Well done you! Very strong - admirable!!

[cavalier99]

BLOCK NOW. These calls will really mess with your mind and start to break down your resolve.

[TaraMaiden]

.....I have not responded and have been looking into how to block the numbers on my phone.....

 

 

if you're not sure, Google it. I found lots of little short-cuts on my 'phone via diligent googling research....

 

What 'phone do you have?

Someone here might be able to help......

[na49]

Let me say that blocking your ex's number is a double edged sword. Yes you won't hear from them. They won't be able to set you back in your healing. but if you're like me. You'll want to hear from them and you won't because they're blocked. and it will suck. but maybe it's better to hear nothing than to hear that they want to be "friends" and not work on the relationship again.

[cavalier99]

Let me say that blocking your ex's number is a double edged sword. Yes you won't hear from them. They won't be able to set you back in your healing. but if you're like me. You'll want to hear from them and you won't because they're blocked. and it will suck. but maybe it's better to hear nothing than to hear that they want to be "friends" and not work on the relationship again.

 

NA I usually like your advice but I'm giving this one a thumbs down. These calls are not good for her. If he wants back together, and she wants that, he can show up at her front door. My opinion.

 

I can tell you how to block on Verizon thru the website. I think all the major US carriers let you block a number.

 

By the way get mad that he is messing with you so much. Total d*ck move. If he wanted back together he can pour his heart out in a voice mail or show up. This is all about him and his ego. Dont be fooled unless he explicitly states otherwise. Also acting worried about you is manipulation. F*ck that.

Edited February 6, 2013 by cavalier99

[Hopeful79]

 

By the way get mad that he is messing with you so much. Total d*ck move. If he wanted back together he can pour his heart out in a voice mail or show up. This is all about him and his ego. Dont be fooled unless he explicitly states otherwise. Also acting worried about you is manipulation. F*ck that.

 

 

YES, please don't feed into his EGO. You want to hear his voice now, but trust me, when you do speak to him you will end up hurting more and he will get his ego boost that he still affects you. He sounds very selfish. He is used to you putting him on a pedestal - and he wants back on there because it gives him a sense of power over you. Totally - TOTALLY understand where you're coming from on this one!

[iouaname]

Tara - I have Verizon, and an iPhone4S. I downloaded an app that I thought blocked numbers, but I guess it only blocks me from being able to call those numbers? So I'm not sure how to do it.

 

The problem I'm experiencing now is that he has three different numbers that he's been calling me from. His regular cellphone, his work cellphone, and his work office phone. I do not know any of the numbers by heart and have been deleting them as soon as he's called so as not to tempt myself to return the call. So now I wait until he calls again and then block each number?

 

Thank you, though! I have seen your posts around the board and you always come across somewhat unsympathetically so it means a lot to see some support from you!

 

Na - I know what you mean, but at the same time, it's taken me all the strength that I have to not return those phone calls every time I get them. So I need to do something.

 

Cav - I don't know if it's manipulation. I was a wreck after the break up. My self-esteem was blown to pieces, and on top of that, I was experiencing some weird health issues and returning to school. I think my ex felt a lot of guilt for what I was going through. I don't think his "worry" is manipulation, but I guess it is quite self-serving. I mean, he must know that calling me to check up on me isn't going to somehow make me do better - right? So he just wants me to make him feel better by telling him I'm not suffering... (which, I am. A lot.)

[na49]

I have Verizon and if you log into your MyVerizon account. You can enter a number and block it for 90 days.

 

Also let me be seen as an example, "waiting for the to contact you again" is a horrible idea. Block the numbers that you know. Then if he does call on a different number, block that one too.

[iouaname]

Thank you!

 

I'm still a bit confused though. If someone is SO needy and codependent, then why do you care so much if they stop imposing their neediness and codependency on you?

[TaraMaiden]

Tara - .........

Thank you, though! I have seen your posts around the board and you always come across somewhat unsympathetically so it means a lot to see some support from you!

Yes, I have this reputation, and while I understand it, it's not deserved...

I'm actually a very compassionate and warm-hearted person. I know that sounds as if I'm blowing my own trumpet, but I have very close friends on here (A couple of whom I have met IRL ) and maybe they would agree. I hope they would or I'm in schytt-street! )

 

I get straight to the point, i don't mess about with platitudes, soft fluffy teddies or big pink hearts - I cut straight to the chase, say what I mean, and mean what I say.

I have many faults.

I do let my yap run away with me sometimes (List of infractions is evidence of this!) I don't suffer fools gladly, and I do sound like a harsh bitch.

 

The only thing I can say in my own defence is that, one, I've been around a while now - even before 2009, but I changed my Password to my previous account then forgot it (! ) and an awful lot of people have been generous enough to 'like' my posts, which is kind of them, but I must be hitting some right notes....

 

And actually, I won't go into details, but I do have a shedload of serious problems to contend with right now, and sometimes they're a little distracting....

 

But yeah.

 

I CAN be nice!!

[cavalier99]

Sorry about the health issues. Either way you are right it is being self serving. I don't think they manipulate on purpose but in the end that is the end result. And his contact doesn't help that or your emotional health.

 

Id tell him your fine and don't wan to hear from him and to stop contacting you. Then block him immediatly. Or just block.

 

On Verizon login to the web site and look under My Verizon for:

 

Manage Verizon Safe Guards

 

Then go to

 

Call and Message Blocking

 

You can block 5 numbers. It is good for 90 days then you need to redo it. They get automated message that they are blocked and no texts get thru either.

[stevie_23]

I agree with the thing about him trying to relieve his guilt by making sure you’re ok in being what HE ideally wants you to be – a casual friend and in his life but in a non-committed way.

 

And also, if he viewed you as needy and codependent during your relationship and immediately after you broke up, and now you’ve gone NC so obviously DON’T need him anymore (in his view), then he may find you more appealing again, like he did before he saw you as needy. Also due to the NC, he may have “forgotten” the not to good times or things about you, and has reverted back in his mind to only accessing the better times.

[SerCay]

Thank you!

 

I'm still a bit confused though. If someone is SO needy and codependent, then why do you care so much if they stop imposing their neediness and codependency on you?

 

Because he was bluffing when he called you that... he got arrogant by your attention and just spit the words.

 

Then when he sees you're actually not needy and you can stay away and be ''perfectly'' fine, his own theory and ego arrogance etc get confused...so he needs to know whether you're messed up (good for him and his ego, he'll say he just called to check up on you) or doing fine dating having fun etc (bad for his ego, in this case he will start chasing you again)

 

this is the game..if he truly quit the relationship because he doesn't see a future no more with you that is.

 

i find it so strong of you to resist these calls, you deserve chocolate really..i wish i could have been so strong in the past! thumbs up for that1

[iouaname]

Truthfully I'm not sure why he ended the relationship. He seemed confused, and I think he was just having doubts because it was long distance. He didn't feel certain enough to commit to it, since it would have required me moving to be with him. A part of me understood that, but then all of the "neediness" and "codependency" stuff seemed to come up, and all of this **** about how "I put my happiness in him" and blah blah blah

 

He's blown my self-esteem to pieces time and time again. And what's worse is that I've let him and I've lent a helping hand in doing so by allowing myself to feel so pathetic and worthless.

 

It just makes no sense to me that I'm doing now all of the things he expected from me (finding happiness outside of him, moving on, not being needy and codependent...) and is now trying so hard to get in touch.

[stevie_23]

In terms of a long distance relationship, neediness and codependency are rife in this sort of setup. You’re kept at a distance, which is not ideal for an intimate relationship. You don’t get the natural balance that “normal” couples get. You don’t get to come home to each other at the end of the day, wake up beside each other in the morning, SEE and TOUCH each other…so insecurity, pining, longing, neediness…it’s a lot more common in this type of relationship and does skew the balance in terms of showing each of you in an accurate way. How you would be in a “normal” relationship is likely not exactly how you would be in a long distance relationship.

[iouaname]

That makes sense and makes me feel a little bit better about my situation, thank you!

 

Since I posted this, he has called again. It took everything in me to not respond, but I managed. I didn't delete the missed call this time so that I can block it.

 

Is it normal to feel some anxiety about blocking the number? I don't WANT to and I feel kind of bad doing it, even though I know it's what's best for me...

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, because it feels like an amputation, but look at it as being a part of a limb that doesn't function any more.... part of you but absolutely useless, redundant, and actually worse for you if it remains.....

[stevie_23]

That's quite an interesting analogy about the amputation of a useless limb. Heavy, a burden now if it remains. Hmm...

 

I find that kind of confronting though, personally. Like it would literally hurt me to cut someone off like that. I think because if you still care about the person, doing that...you'd worry it would hurt them. So it hurts you as well.

 

Also, once you do that...it REALLY and TRULY is the END. You have made the decision yourself now to stop him contacting you. You are sending a clear message above all else. It's one thing to not respond to attempted contact, but another thing to actively BLOCK the person.

 

If you truly want to not talk to him again, then do it. It'll be ok.

[TaraMaiden]

That's quite an interesting analogy about the amputation of a useless limb. Heavy, a burden now if it remains. Hmm...

 

I find that kind of confronting though, personally. Like it would literally hurt me to cut someone off like that. I think because if you still care about the person, doing that...you'd worry it would hurt them. So it hurts you as well.

 

When you consider how he treated her, and how he made her feel, it's not a healthy connection. It's not constructive or useful to her. Sometimes a clean break is absolutely essential.

To use the analogy, a doctor isn't going to remove the limb a little bit at a time, is he?

Sometimes you need to make that full break, and take that leap.

Nobody ever crossed a ravine in two small steps.

 

Also, once you do that...it REALLY and TRULY is the END.

Too damn right it is - and why shouldn't it be? Breaking completely isn't anything to do with preserving his feelings and letting him off the hook gently. A true END is for her benefit, well-being and opportunity to move on and heal.

He broke up with her. For apparently, no good reason.

The onus is on him to make the effort. The onus is on her, for herself, to do whatever is necessary to expedite her self-preservation.

 

You have made the decision yourself now to stop him contacting you. You are sending a clear message above all else. It's one thing to not respond to attempted contact, but another thing to actively BLOCK the person.

Sometimes it's necessary. And it has nothing to do with considering his feelings. This is all a method for the person dumped, not the dumper.

Is it selfish? It may well be.....

 

"But tough luck, dumper, deal with it. You broke my heart, now leave me alone."

[iouaname]

I don't truly never want to talk to him again. I want to talk to him all the time, actually. Every time he calls it takes everything in me to not pick up the phone and call him back. It's not necessarily what I want. I didn't want this break up in the first place. Unfortunately, right now it's about what I need

 

I do look at cutting him out of my life as selfish, but I also look at his decision to dump me as selfish. I think maybe he thought we'd both just take time to be single and then get back together when it was more convenient. I don't know. Either way, it hurt me a lot.

 

He asked to stay good friends. What's weird to me is that I told him that I didn't think this was a good idea, and he just disagreed but didn't make any real effort to change my mind. After the initial decision to not stay friends, he didn't seem to really care. Maybe he just figured my resolve wouldn't stick and I'd come crawling back begging to be his "friend."

 

I'm not sure what has caused this sudden insane amount of calling. Maybe he genuinely is worried about me because he knows I took this really hard and have been struggling a lot since coming back to school? But if that's the case, why wouldn't he just be relieved that he no longer has to deal with it? Or maybe it's only now setting in that his decision means that I really will not be a part of his life? But if that's the case - why no emails/texts/voicemails accompanying the calls to say that he wants to fix things?

 

It just feels like more bull**** to me.

[stillafool]

Thank you!

 

I'm still a bit confused though. If someone is SO needy and codependent, then why do you care so much if they stop imposing their neediness and codependency on you?

 

It's because he feels guilty about calling you those names and wants to make sure you will still talk to him when he calls or sees you in person. He doesn't want to be hated (no one does) but dumpers feel guilt and want to be relieved of it. I have been a dumper and it bothered the heck out of me that the dumpee would not talk to me even though I had no interest in getting back together.

[cavalier99]

Did you block him? Don't think just do it. NA49 spun his wheels like a month thinking about it and it caused him a lot of pain. You will be relieved then a little depressed. So expect that it will hurt a bit. You are getting addicted to idea he wants to talk and you not responding..stop it now

 

The thing is it is a PROACVIVE step in your healing. We need to do these things for ourselves whether he ever call again or not.

 

If he really needed to contact you he would come see you anyway. Not that you want that. JUST ACT. NO MORE THINKING. IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. TRUST US!

[mammasita]

Let me say that blocking your ex's number is a double edged sword. Yes you won't hear from them. They won't be able to set you back in your healing. but if you're like me. You'll want to hear from them and you won't because they're blocked. and it will suck. but maybe it's better to hear nothing than to hear that they want to be "friends" and not work on the relationship again.

Disagree, leaving the slightest door open hoping they will contact sets back your healing. I would LOVE to hear from my ex and if he feels that strongly about about contacting me, he will find a way - whether his number is blocked, whether his email is blocked, whether I move - it will happen.

[iouaname]

He called me at 1:30am on Thursday morning. I read into it far too much because I know that he should have been in bed because he works. I figured he was sitting up stressing about the situation. I saw the missed call the next morning and had a complete meltdown. I felt guilty for not responding. I felt angry that he was calling. I felt delusional that it meant that maybe he wanted to get back together.

 

The past three days have been a nightmare. I've been snowed in and have wanted to do nothing more than respond to his messages and hear him and just hang out with him on Skype like we used to

 

It's done now. The numbers are blocked. I'm devastated about it. Right now I don't feel much but I know that tomorrow morning and tomorrow afternoon, I will be a mess. I'm confident that it was the right decision for my own sanity and for his sake, as well.