After that kick - I am checking for all my teeth

[Fallen Petals]

I've been saying for the last two months, So this is what this feels like. My H and I separated and not to long after I thought I could use a physical release to help with the pain of ending a marriage that had lasted over a decade. My marriage had some great moments and some great passion, but it also had neglect, emotional and verbal abuse to an extreme, mind games and control...it was toxic and killing me in a slow and extraordinarily painful way. Not to say I was perfect, I was a crappy housewife and not very good at putting things away. I didn't always want to cook dinner and I eventually got into a routine of spending too much time on the computer or watching movies, trying to escape the box I had crawled into marrying my husband. I was a master enabler, taking care of him to a point that he is struggling to learn to care for himself in the simplest of fashions. So when he left a few months ago....it hurt....so bad. I was lonely and horny (oh btw H always accused me of being a sex addict for wanting it daily, he would relent and give it to me a couple times a week if I was lucky, but dry spells and I do not work well together.) He moved us half way across the country and I'm staying with family. When he left he didn't look for work locally, he went back to where we came from. So in December I joined a dating site that basically says it is more for FWB than anything else. That's all I wanted. A guy to release some aggression. Any man on there had to be a douche anyway, not worth my time in a real relationship....plus I couldn't even accept one of those until after the divorce, right? And I can't file until residency, which is 6 months, which is soon now, but seemed far then.

 

Anyway, so I met this guy on there, he seemed decent enough...admitted right away he was married, so of course he was a jerk off the bat for being on a dating site while married while actively looking for a fwb situation. But he had some good points, wanted exclusivity and passion, and we had some great conversations. He was attractive and fun....so we met a few days after our first chat and I did something entirely unlike me. I slept with him immediately. I just liked him somehow. It sounds so weak now. There was something about him that made me let all my guards down. And likely it doesn't help how vulnerable I must be with the separation. Well two days later he wanted to take me on a quasi date to a place in his town he frequents. I went and we had a blast, then ended the evening at a park down the road. That park quickly became our park...our bench...we couldn't stop...we texted all day and got on the camera chat all night...it must have been painfully obvious to his wife. It was to my family, they knew something was up. I even told H I was seeing someone after a few weeks when I realized this was more than just a physical affair...pretty soon he was giving me jewelry and telling me he loved me, talking about leaving his wife and maybe one day marrying me. He'd never told another woman he loved her or given another woman jewelry and I met a friend or two of his who confirmed that for me...I trusted, I loved, I let him sweep me entirely off my feet. I even spent a night with him when his w was out of town. I couldn't believe it, to me affairs like this are not an option, but here I was.

 

Last week or so we had a serious tear filled conversation (on his part) as he told me how much he loved me and that he knew he needed to leave his wife. He was being unfair to us both and yes, he'd had one affair 6 or 7 years prior, but he didn't love her so he never felt this way. He had confessed it quickly to his wife and ended it (he's very religious with a strong conscience). He admitted some part of him realized this was an exit affair, just as that one had been, but she hadn't left. This time he was going to leave her. He spent a week or so going over the plans and over and over....said he wanted to just blurt it out and let the chips fall where they may. I gave him suggestions but told him ultimately to do what was best for him. I said I love him but he cannot leave just for me because then I won't be enough, he needs to leave for him, for his needs, for his happiness, etc. Then I promised to support whatever decision he made.

 

Last night he told his wife. Then he video called me, spontaneously. He was actually lucky I was online and that he didn't call my phone somehow. When I answered I could tell right away something was up. He told me she knew. He told me she wasn't angry, didn't yell, and didn't want to let him go. I asked him what he wanted and he didn't answer. So then I asked him if he needed me to go, as in leave his life. He answered yes. Then told me he had told her he loved me but that they were going into counselling to try to fix things. Basically I just said ok, well be happy, do what's best for you, hope you have a fantastic life and hope she treats you better and appreciates you...he was crying and he admitted to me she was sitting next to him, though she was off to the side so I couldn't see her - though I am sure she could see me. I just said it was nice getting to know him and I loved him and hoped for the best for him, goodbye.

 

Today I feel like I have been kicked in the teeth, and the stomach, and had someone reach in a turn my heart around and upside down. My H is texting me that he wants to get back together, what a wonderful wife I was, how beautiful I am...all I can think is...why does all of this hurt this much?

[loredo21]

Oh I am so sorry you are feeling this way....how awful. It seems like he gave you a lot of hope and screwed you in the end. Like they all do. I can imagine that feeling of being kicked everywhere. especially in the gut. Such a terrible feeling. Are you going NC then? Try to be strong, because chances are he will come back. But to me he has proven himself to be a jerk-off. I think you should give yourself time to work on yourself. Think of how much you probably have to learn about yourself since your separation. Self-discovery can be a beautiful, albeit scary thing. Read some self-help books, get into therapy, do some Yoga and meditating, take a trip...find YOURSELF! Only then will you truly be able to find someone who deserves your time. I wish you much luck on your journey and we will all be here to support as you need it. it's going to be reallly hard. But you can do it!

[Pierre]

Last week or so we had a serious tear filled conversation (on his part) as he told me how much he loved me

 

 

The guy sounds like a typical unstable man who cries on cue.

 

Run as fast as you can. He craves drama and is needy.

 

Why were you attracted to this man?

[veryhappy]

First off, you'll need to learn to deal with some of the comments around here. Some people see this forum as their crusade or boxing bag.

 

The one positive thing that I can find about the guy is that he genuinely wanted to set things right on his own. He didn't just go with the flow, stringling you along, eating cake. That's a lot, especially since he's had a previous affair.

 

As for your pain, it will hurt. I felt eviscerated, stabbed, out of breath and at moments I would have prefered to have been physically beaten because it seemed like too much.

 

It gets easier after a month, manageable after a few. All you need to do is stay no contact and push forward. Cut your losses and do not falter.

 

Almost all of them don't leave without the wife's permission( as if...) and are trained to sit if commanded to sit. Then they work on it, whatever it means and the A becomes the biggest mistake of their lives. The best you can do is focusing on letting go of your hopes and fantasies.

Edited February 6, 2013 by cutedragon

[ComingInHot]

Please know that I TOTALLY understand that my next statement does not in any way diminish your pain!

 

but...

 

After reading some crazy A endings on here, I think you were treated kindly by both the WH and His Wife.

 

It could have gotten Really Ugly Really fast and it didn't. I am actually glad that you have that. Something in the form of closure and goodbye from this Married Man. It'll be interesting if that means anything to you once this paralyzing pain eases up a little.

 

I hope peace & healing for you and very soon!*

[Fallen Petals]

Oh I am so sorry you are feeling this way....how awful. It seems like he gave you a lot of hope and screwed you in the end. Like they all do. I can imagine that feeling of being kicked everywhere. especially in the gut. Such a terrible feeling. Are you going NC then? Try to be strong, because chances are he will come back. But to me he has proven himself to be a jerk-off. I think you should give yourself time to work on yourself. Think of how much you probably have to learn about yourself since your separation. Self-discovery can be a beautiful, albeit scary thing. Read some self-help books, get into therapy, do some Yoga and meditating, take a trip...find YOURSELF! Only then will you truly be able to find someone who deserves your time. I wish you much luck on your journey and we will all be here to support as you need it. it's going to be reallly hard. But you can do it!

 

Thank you. I do need to find myself...

 

The guy sounds like a typical unstable man who cries on cue.

 

Run as fast as you can. He craves drama and is needy.

 

Why were you attracted to this man?

 

I didn't see any crying while I was falling, and when he did it seemed legit. What did I see in him? Plenty - but I need to not be dwelling on that now! LOL

 

What did he do wrong then? In breaking it off, obviously starting the affair was wrong.

 

He told you he'd leave then he didn't. What was his alternative? Leave when he didn't want to just coz he promised? Why is breaking a promise to someone he should never have promised so bad? Breakin a promise to a life partner I get. That's bad. But you knew he shouldn't be promising you do it makes sense to break it.

 

I get that rejection hurts. She means more to him than you do one way or another. But I don't get why he's scum to you for not following through. He would have been scum if he had! How could you ever respect a man who left his wife for an affair...?

 

He obviously has issues but they aren't to do with you or his wife or his marriage. They're him. At least he stopped doing the wrong thing. I know rejection hurts but it will pass. You can walk away. She has to live with being rejected and yet not being able to walk away (not completely).

 

I never said he did anything wrong to me - not really. I'm thankful it didn't go on and on...and he's staying out of fear, guilt and obligation. I feel bad for them both. However, she is the one who said she wouldn't let him go...so the her not being able to walk away thing doesn't apply here.

 

First off, you'll need to learn to deal with some of the comments around here. Some people see this forum as their crusade or boxing bag.

 

The one positive thing that I can find about the guy is that he genuinely wanted to set things right on his own. He didn't just go with the flow, stringling you along, eating cake. That's a lot, especially since he's had a previous affair.

 

As for your pain, it will hurt. I felt eviscerated, stabbed, out of breath and at moments I would have prefered to have been physically beaten because it seemed like too much.

 

It gets easier after a month, manageable after a few. All you need to do is stay no contact and push forward. Cut your losses and do not falter.

 

Almost all of them don't leave without the wife's permission( as if...) and are trained to sit if commanded to sit. Then they work on it, whatever it means and the A becomes the biggest mistake of their lives. The best you can do is focusing on letting go of your hopes and fantasies.

 

Thank you - you're SO right...

 

Please know that I TOTALLY understand that my next statement does not in any way diminish your pain!

 

but...

 

After reading some crazy A endings on here, I think you were treated kindly by both the WH and His Wife.

 

It could have gotten Really Ugly Really fast and it didn't. I am actually glad that you have that. Something in the form of closure and goodbye from this Married Man. It'll be interesting if that means anything to you once this paralyzing pain eases up a little.

 

I hope peace & healing for you and very soon!*

 

Thank you for pointing this out. Now that I think about it, I am very glad it worked out the way that it did.

 

I think more than anything I am just in the shock and grieving process...but damn this hurts!

[Fallen Petals]

And yes we're going NC as of today. We said our final goodbyes.

[Fallen Petals]

So, after having cried in the shower, nearly crying in the grocery store, then posting here and finally beginning to feel a little human again...it still hurts....but a lot of your comments helped...I mean I am trying to look at this more objectively. I cannot just turn off how I feel about him, but I can see try to see the relationship for what it was...maybe get some healthy anger involved....cause I really can't spend the next week in bed sobbing over a guy I didn't really believe I could have anyway....

[ComingInHot]

Fallen;

You should have this time to grieve the loss of what is importany to you. When you are ready to look at things from a perspective other than your own, and deal w/the reality of the A, I would like to share what I don't yet think you are ready to hear.

My heart is with you in your heartbreak, even as a BS*

[Got it]

Fallen, I am so sorry you are hurting. I think now is the time to really focus on you. The affair sounded like a way for you to try and get the love you are so seeking. I completely understand but you really need to look at how you are loving yourself. Have you tried therapy? I would, instead of investing in these men with their own issues, look at you, look at the patterns in your life, look at any repeating outcomes, and try and figure out why?

 

I know it is hard, and you are in a dark time right now. The sun will come out again, I promise.

[Cali408]

You seen to keep falling into bad habits with married men. You had an affair with a married co-worker and got involved with your friend's husband. What you need to do is figure out, why you are trying to steal other people's spouses?

 

I hope you learn your lesson.

[Fallen Petals]

Fallen;

You should have this time to grieve the loss of what is importany to you. When you are ready to look at things from a perspective other than your own, and deal w/the reality of the A, I would like to share what I don't yet think you are ready to hear.

My heart is with you in your heartbreak, even as a BS*

 

Thank you CIH. I would really love that. I am so sorry you had a WS (or have - I haven't looked up your story). The pain is so intense...and I know it will improve in time...I could likely use a reality check though. Self reflection is something I have been trying to improve to identify why I make some of the mistakes that I make.

 

Fallen, I am so sorry you are hurting. I think now is the time to really focus on you. The affair sounded like a way for you to try and get the love you are so seeking. I completely understand but you really need to look at how you are loving yourself. Have you tried therapy? I would, instead of investing in these men with their own issues, look at you, look at the patterns in your life, look at any repeating outcomes, and try and figure out why?

 

I know it is hard, and you are in a dark time right now. The sun will come out again, I promise.

 

I am going to get into therapy actually. When I was married I went into therapy a few times but unfortunately each time the therapist would tell me I already had all the tools I needed. I just needed to use them. I have been trying not to fool myself about my mistakes, about my imperfections, to learn from them and move forward...I've spent a long time in the dark...it really is time to find myself, learn about myself...I can't properly love others if I can't properly love myself...

 

You seen to keep falling into bad habits with married men. You had an affair with a married co-worker and got involved with your friend's husband. What you need to do is figure out, why you are trying to steal other people's spouses?

 

I hope you learn your lesson.

 

I actually have never wanted to steal another womans husband. The affair with a coworker was during a time of vulnerability in my own marriage. It was also 8yrs into my marriage when I had already begun to think if I didn't leave it could eventually kill me in a very slow, very painful manner. I had no idea where or how to start dealing with that reality. Words fail me here as they aren't strong enough, but I do know the coping mechanism I chose at that time was the absolute wrong one. I confessed quickly and guilt, obligation, fear all contributed to me staying. Things improved for awhile in my marriage because my H finally listened when I told him I couldn't live that way.

 

My friends husband? Yeah, that was a messed up situation - and there are complications that add to it. Like for one, she gave him permission to have an affair with me. She told him of all her friends, she knew I'd never try to take him for myself...well it's a long story - but I never wanted him for myself either.

 

And as for this last man. He was actively seeking a sexual FWB relationship. I just wanted physical release because I didn't feel I was in any position for a relationship, I didn't want someone I had feelings for. It doesn't make starting things up with a married man right, I'm not excusing it. Had it not been me it would have been some other woman - that was my feeble justification at the time. However, any man who has a wife or girlfriend is officially off limits for me.

 

Before, I was desperate, afraid, and my coping mechanism was evidently looking for love I couldn't get with the built in safety net that it be someone I wouldn't really want long term - each tryst supposed to be a way out of the cage I was living in, the only option aside from suicide...None of it's ok. I got caught up in all the wrong things...I'm actually just figuring out some things about myself since leaving my marriage...what others are saying here is so correct...time for myself, self reflection...

 

Someone once told me Good breeds good and bad breeds bad. I want to stop with the bad. I want to be good again. I was, for so long, and the blackness in my heart kills me, eats me up...I was so in love with this man that truly all I wanted was for him to find a way to be happy - because he is doing the exact same thing I was doing. Every tryst is supposed to free him from his cage. He wanted her to leave him, but didn't have the strength to just stand up, admit he can't live like that, that it's killing him, and go. So when she said she wasn't leaving, he bowed to her and will stay with her. I don't want him. I didn't want to steal him from her. I wanted him to leave for himself. And I hope one day he does. Because I have been in the box he puts himself in, I have breathed the stifling air and lived the shell of an existence. I can't live his life for him, or fix his mistakes. I have to try to do that for myself now and become a person worth the type of love that I want and need so badly.

[Fallen Petals]

Can you hear the disrespect with which you talk about the BS? You have no idea of he's in a cage or if he is staying out of obligation. You can't believe a word out of his mouth given his capability for lying to her.

 

Honestly. You say you never wanted to steal another woman's husband and your every syllable says otherwise. I think you have way too much denial here about your role in this.

 

I'm sure he's an ass. He's a cheat. It goes with the territory. But he could cheat as much as he wants and you would not be wronging anyone, and you would not be suffering, but for your own actions which suited you at the time.

 

I know he's in a cage because I myself was in one for years. I was in an abusive relationship that was killing me from the inside out.

 

As for his capability to lie to her? He was painfully obvious. He said she had to know something was up. Every time he does something like this - starts looking at porn or talking to girls online or cheats - he doesn't know how to hide it and he typically confesses rather quickly. Each time is a cry for help on his part for her to leave him because he seems to lack the strength to leave her. I can tell he's paralyzed by the fear of hurting family, losing friends, his life being turned inside out and changed so completely...he wants the power to make that huge move to be in her hands and then to be able to just say - "I was a terrible husband and deserved to lose my wife" rather than "I hated my life and felt like I was suffocating so I left even though the facade we put on was one of the perfect little family"

 

As for my role. I know what I did was wrong. I justified my actions at various points of the relationship, but even I knew that if I ever met the woman I wouldn't be able to tell myself it wasn't personal anymore. It was never supposed to be emotional or go very far - I didn't want to know about his life I just needed someone to help me forget my own pain for a little while. He seemed like a safe choice. That doesn't excuse it or make it ok, it's something I am having to now learn to live with, be honest with myself about, and move forward from. The pain is very real and I suppose you'd say I deserve it, while I'd say we all make mistakes and who is to say mine is so much worse than someone elses? I could've been a worse OW, when he told me she knew and I figured out she was sitting there, I could've just repeated every hurtful awful thing he ever said about her, say what happened to this or this? But I am not that person. She behaves as a person who keeps him around for the convenience, for the ability to keep their status quo and not change their arrangement. She wasn't angry about the affair, in fact she knew he was doing it. So she only needed to deal with it once he admitted it, which to me says - ok this isn't the first time he's cheated and then confessed and you're not going to show that this behavior is unacceptable. You'll only deal with it when he says something, which puts you on the spot and makes it so you have to do something. I'm sad that I don't believe either of them will ever truly be happy, that they're both so wrapped up in not wanting to change the social appearance of their lives that they'll live out their lives like that forever...for the show rather than for the real life.

 

Sorry but you lost Me at "he's very religious with a strong conscience."

 

LoL really?

 

Although I must say, I can't believe the a-hole was crying on cam with her off to the side. If I were his wife I would have been smacking him upside his head, like "wtf are you crying over this other girl for?"

 

His religious stand is likely why he rats himself out so quickly each time he does something stupid. It doesn't stop him from doing it eventually, clearly, but it paralyzes him once he does. He is so bound by his fears he stands still saying he doesn't know what to do doesn't know where to start. As for the crying jag...I think he really did love me...I think he meant most of what he said...and I think some part of him formed a little fantasy world where he'd tell his wife, she'd kick him out and scream at him and he'd go find a place and be sad, but I'd come and help him make it all better, comfort him and console him, and I'm sure screw him silly. In so many ways he's still just that young boy trying to be loved, but too weak to step out and make it happen. Yeah, I was shocked he cried in front of her too, but I honestly think she didn't care. She is competitive in nature and she won.

 

Now, because I feel bad, like I've said nothing but negative of the woman - I really don't feel anything negative about her. She's clearly lacking the self respect it takes to say to a husband that he can't wander around on her, or she doesn't really care or love him, one of the two. She's competitive, but that's not always a bad thing. I think she seems like a decent mother and has a lot of friends in her church, so she must be a nice person. I don't know her, not really, I can't complain about her or say he should be with me instead - I don't feel he should. I just know they're both unhappy and now that I have some perspective from my situation - I don't know why people waste their lives in such a fashion. If this round of therapy doesn't help them, they will both be so very lonely, and neither of them deserves that.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

As for his capability to lie to her? He was painfully obvious. He said she had to know something was up. Every time he does something like this - starts looking at porn or talking to girls online or cheats - he doesn't know how to hide it and he typically confesses rather quickly. Each time is a cry for help on his part for her to leave him because he seems to lack the strength to leave her. I can tell he's paralyzed by the fear of hurting family, losing friends, his life being turned inside out and changed so completely...he wants the power to make that huge move to be in her hands and then to be able to just say - "I was a terrible husband and deserved to lose my wife" rather than "I hated my life and felt like I was suffocating so I left even though the facade we put on was one of the perfect little family"

 

From your description of his coping mechanisms, why in the world would you want a guy like this. You admit to having your own issues to work through, how can it help to have to care for someone with just as many issues them self. Sounds self-sabotaging at best.

[Fallen Petals]

From your description of his coping mechanisms, why in the world would you want a guy like this. You admit to having your own issues to work through, how can it help to have to care for someone with just as many issues them self. Sounds self-sabotaging at best.

 

Yes. Now that I am a few days away from the initial shock and pain. It still hurts. I still miss him. But I recognize how stupid we were both being. I knew before things got rolling I was vulnerable and an emotional wreck. I actually told him this the night we met. I said I didn't want a relationship, I just needed a release, a distraction. After my H finally moved out, some of my more co-dependent tendencies were getting the better of me. I was overwhelmed and lost...and to top it off my sexual needs were running on high. Have been for years. He used to withhold from me and one romp the night before he left wasn't nearly enough to hold me over. So I thought, Ok ok ok, let's tackle one problem - the sex thing - and go from there. If I got a guy who I didn't need an emotional thing with, I could spend my time starting with one piece at a time.

 

Problem being, we fell for each other. In a most juvenile fashion. We both needed so badly to be loved, I don't think either of us was willing to recognize the true danger of our situation.

 

The further I get from it, the more my logical brain tells my heart to STFU because I don't really want him anyway. I want a real man. And I have some work to do before I am even in any shape for such a man to come along. So I guess it's me and my rabbit for awhile, cause I need to fix me first and the sex after...which, this will sound pathetic, is going to be very difficult. My stbx always accused me of being an addict...he may not be entirely wrong...

[Pierre]

She's clearly lacking the self respect it takes to say to a husband that he can't wander around on her, or she doesn't really care or love him, one of the two. She's competitive, but that's not always a bad thing. I think she seems like a decent mother and has a lot of friends in her church, so she must be a nice person. I don't know her, not really, I can't complain about her or say he should be with me instead - I don't feel he should. I just know they're both unhappy and now that I have some perspective from my situation - I don't know why people waste their lives in such a fashion. If this round of therapy doesn't help them, they will both be so very lonely, and neither of them deserves that.

 

How can you say she lacks self respect? I don't get the basis pf your statement.

 

I do agree that MOM is an unhappy dude and a crier. Whose fault is that?

 

Why are they wasting their lives?

[Pierre]

We both needed so badly to be loved, I don't think either of us was willing to recognize the true danger of our situation.

 

The further I get from it, the more my logical brain tells my heart to STFU because I don't really want him anyway. I want a real man. And I have some work to do before I am even in any shape for such a man to come along. So I guess it's me and my rabbit for awhile, cause I need to fix me first and the sex after...which, this will sound pathetic, is going to be very difficult. My stbx always accused me of being an addict...he may not be entirely wrong...

 

Why did you want to beb loved?

 

An addict? To what?

 

Why did you chooses to have sexual relief with a married man? Why not choose a single person with no drama?

[Fallen Petals]

How can you say she lacks self respect? I don't get the basis pf your statement.

 

I do agree that MOM is an unhappy dude and a crier. Whose fault is that?

 

Why are they wasting their lives?

 

I said she either lacks self respect or doesn't care. She would be lacking self respect because she sets not limits on how many times he can cheat before she finally leaves. I am the second woman he has slept with and in between there were smaller trysts where he met women and messed around with them but didn't go quite as far. But I think the thing for me is this - he found me on a dating website. He was searching actively for an AP. It's not like a relationship grew over time and vulnerabilities, this was far more deliberate. Also, he told her he loves me...

 

His unhappiness is entirely his fault. No I didn't see this at first, but it's his choice to stay in a situation where he's so unhappy, so this is his fault.

 

Why did you want to beb loved?

 

An addict? To what?

 

Why did you chooses to have sexual relief with a married man? Why not choose a single person with no drama?

 

Are there many people out there who don't want to be loved? For me...well my H and I just separated a few months ago, all of that is still very fresh...for for so long I wanted desperately for him to love me - because that is what we want from the person we marry. We want to love them and be loved in return. He did (and does) love me, in his own way, but the abuse was far more than the love could ever cover over. Also, his love was always conditional, depending on what I would or wouldn't do for him, how I would show my affections, how I would behave...if I didn't tow the line he withdrew it, if I did as I was supposed to he gave it. With xMM it was freer than that.

 

And as for why I would choose a MM for my sexual release? I guess I wasn't really concentrating on that tbh. It was something he mentioned but I sort of glossed over. It wasn't supposed to be a relationship. It wasn't supposed to be emotional. It wasn't supposed to go beyond some pre-arranged sexual meetings. He was never supposed to want to hold me, touch my face, talk to me for hours every day and night, invite me on dates, give me jewelry, tell me he wanted to marry me, talk about meeting each others children and becoming a family...Had he been single would we still be together? Likely. Would it still be too soon for me to be jumping in feet first like that? Yes. But true - less drama...lest we not forget, I have not yet filed for my divorce. I have to wait another month before I can for legal reasons. I didn't want anyone who would be looking for a relationship until well after that process was in motion. So...why a married man? At the moment we struck up conversation, I really wasn't thinking in such terms. I've definitely learned my lesson now...

[Fallen Petals]

Oh....and my H always accused me of being a sex addict. After a few days I get "twitchy" to where I am craving it...when I used to sit him down to talk about my needs in that arena after a 2-3 week dry spell, I would compare it to food. You need food to survive. You can actually go on a fast for a few days, but there are times when you have pains because you are so hungry. Well that's kinda how I am with sex. I don't even do it for the finish - I like everything about it from the making out beforehand to the undressing....it's truly likely not just the sex even. It's more than likely the passion that goes along with it. I don't know if I am a freak or just really messed up, but a lack of passion in my life is more than just a little stifling....and when and if I remarry, the sex life is something we will discuss beforehand.

[Fallen Petals]

Seriously......why would you feel that you had to have a mm to fill a sexual need and you specifically went looking for a mm.......that's really messed up petals, don't you think?

 

And......you are spending a lot of time bashing the wife, you need to look more closely at the mirror at your own behavior and choices. The irony is killing me here......you stayed with an abusive man, who didn't satisfy you in bed, but you are criticizing someone you know next to nothing about? Sorry to be harsh......but use the mirror and look at yourself or you are bound to bring this pain upon yourself again.

 

I wasn't looking specifically for a MM, I was just looking for a man I could have a semi decent friendship with. He mentioned he was married and I almost saw it as a safety net at the time. I know that doesn't make it ok - but it kind of put the thought in my head - well good, he won't want more than just sex from me then, cause I'm not in any state for a relationship right now.

 

I'm not trying to criticize her. I feel bad for her. From what he told me, she doesn't sound like a person who is very happy with her life either. I think they both deserve better than the life they've chosen, the life they're too afraid to walk away from because of what others will think. I don't think she's a bad person...I think she neglects him...I believe her love for him is more one of convenience and like that of a cousin or something - but I don't know that for sure. It just seems that way. I was able to observe their interactions over the last month and a half...when we chatted on the computer in the evenings he usually had me on a video chat with her in the very same room. I wasn't entirely comfortable with it, he was painfully obvious about the whole ordeal...but with headphones I could hear what was going on, see how they were together. Glorified roommates. As a person - not just a OW - it made me sad for them both. I don't think any relationship deserves to be that stale and cold.

[Fallen Petals]

And ladygrey, I am trying desperately to get my head on straight, to get my mind on the correct course. I want to be better than all of this. But the pain right now is so fresh I can't hardly see straight. You see, he was a distraction from the pain of my dead marriage as well - so with him gone, the pain from both is slamming into me all at once...I suppose you can say I deserve it, and maybe I'll look back on it and agree, but for now, I can hardly move and just want to learn to be better than all of this...

[Fallen Petals]

But.........but you are criticizing her, again. Until you take the focus off them and "what you think" is going on with their relationship, you can't heal yourself. Come on petals...........get real, you really don't have a clue what their relationship is like. All you know for sure, is that mm can and does cheat and he is a brazen ass, who talks to his ow on video chat with his wife in the room.............seriously, don't you see how messed up that is? It's like a big ole fu to her and ha ha, she is stupid and I can do this right in front of her. Ugggg..........think about what kind of an ass does something like that. If you insist on thinking about them.......think about him, and what he did/does and how ugly it really is. No woman should be treated that way!

 

Ok, so does it add to my patheticness if I say that she and I both deserved better treatment?? Cause yeah, it really struck me as something else that he could do that with her sitting across the room...and if she was paying close enough attention, looked closely at his glasses - could she see me?? I know she knew...just didn't want to admit it. He told me she made a comment one day - something like "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were having an affair" and he said he held his breath but didn't say anything. She dismissed it and changed topics. The whole thing...I know this is one I'll look back on and shake my head about, isn't it?

 

You can do better........and you can be better.........but we must first learn to own our own crap and see the truth as it really is.

 

Look.......I'm sorry if I sound harsh, it is not my intention to hurt you, but owning our own crap is the first step.

 

Hugs........

 

No worries. I've actually been on this site for a long time but over the summer had to change my user name and pw bc my H figured out who I was and read over all of my stuff...It wasn't like I was keeping secrets, but this was supposed to be like my "one" personal thing. Anyhow, I respect you a lot. So thank you...and I appreciate honesty.

[Pierre]

I said she either lacks self respect or doesn't care. She would be lacking self respect because she sets not limits on how many times he can cheat before she finally leaves. I am the second woman he has slept with and in between there were smaller trysts where he met women and messed around with them but didn't go quite as far. But I think the thing for me is this - he found me on a dating website. He was searching actively for an AP. It's not like a relationship grew over time and vulnerabilities, this was far more deliberate. Also, he told her he loves me...

 

His unhappiness is entirely his fault. No I didn't see this at first, but it's his choice to stay in a situation where he's so unhappy, so this is his fault.

 

But, you fell for this guy.

 

You fell for him knowing quite well he is a philanderer. At least the wife found out after the wedding.

 

I suspect that if she threw him out you would be his woman. A woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

 

Do you realize that perhaps she has a lover of her own. Or maybe she does not want to throw away the marriage because she is committed?

 

I suggest you get over this guy ASAP and stop rationalizing why he decided to stay with her. In the end he decided to stay married.

 

 

Are there many people out there who don't want to be loved? For me...well my H and I just separated a few months ago, all of that is still very fresh...for for so long I wanted desperately for him to love me - because that is what we want from the person we marry. We want to love them and be loved in return.

 

Everybody wants to be loved, but not everybody says "I want to be loved". Those that want to be loved end up unhappy. The love you receive is nice, but you should be very happy on your own. This desperate need to find any guy, whomever to give you sex is band aid for your low self esteem. People with good self esteem don't say "I want to be loved". If they get loved that is great, but it is not the most important thing for them.

 

And as for why I would choose a MM for my sexual release? I guess I wasn't really concentrating on that tbh. It was something he mentioned but I sort of glossed over. It wasn't supposed to be a relationship. It wasn't supposed to be emotional. It wasn't supposed to go beyond some pre-arranged sexual meetings. He was never supposed to want to hold me, touch my face, talk to me for hours every day and night, invite me on dates, give me jewelry, tell me he wanted to marry me, talk about meeting each others children and becoming a family...Had he been single would we still be together? Likely. Would it still be too soon for me to be jumping in feet first like that? Yes. But true - less drama...lest we not forget, I have not yet filed for my divorce. I have to wait another month before I can for legal reasons. I didn't want anyone who would be looking for a relationship until well after that process was in motion. So...why a married man? At the moment we struck up conversation, I really wasn't thinking in such terms. I've definitely learned my lesson now...

 

You need to be alone for a couple of years and learn how to be happy on your own. This yearn to be love is a sign of low self esteem and you are prime target for players and cheaters. You will end up in square one again because the men you seek are identical to the man that failed you in the past.

[ComingInHot]

Fallen;

As tacky as this is, I am going to quote myself (could be that I'm getting a little too sauced ergo lazy to whatever) but...

 

..." When you are ready to look at things from a perspective other than your own, and deal w/the reality of the A, I would like to share what I don't yet think you are ready to hear"

 

You are starting to get responses that are a reality of the A that you haven't, in your pain, considered. Well, here they come*

 

Try not to take too much offense but be open to reading them and if need be put some of these harsher truths on the back-burner while you are dealing with the initial blows of getting abandoned by MM then COME BACK and RE-READ them with a clearer head.

 

Hang in & if possible don't even post about the betrayed Wife if you cannot speak positively about her. (I write this partially because it just doesn't make you look good & partially because I'm sauced and partially because it really hurts me personally only the last reason doesn't matter)

 

CIH - out

[Tenacity]

You're going to think this is harsh but it is actually a truth you need to face if you want to move on.

 

If you were just looking for sex then accepting that from a Mm is just heartless. There's no defense to that. Stabbing another woman for a bit of fun is pretty much the worst motivation or an affair and shows a character that needs a LOT of work.

 

Looking for a relationship- well at least you're invested not just using her marriage. But why look for love from someone incapable of loving? By definition a MM who cheats is showing you want he does with love. He chews it up and spits it out. Seems a very bad bet to me on top of stabbing a stranger in the back.

 

I think you need to delve into which of these applies and how to make it not apply to you.

 

I agree with this. (Which, OP - given the source and our history - is in and of itself, quite a feat)

 

I am not going to be as nice and politically correct as LadyGrey and others here. This is not news to you. Clearly, you have had A's multiple times before and you really just don't care, except to justify your behavior.

 

I believe some people are fixable and can learn from their mistakes, but I don't believe, from your posts now and your track record before, that you are one of those people. You just want sympathy for getting messed up in an A with a MM that you should have known better than to involve yourself with.

 

I hope you get therapy.