tbf Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 TW, your attitude is refreshing, positive and realistic. Autism has nothing to do with it. 1
Anela Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Depends on what your definition of "help" is. If you mean a good attitude didn't help create success in dating, then I agree. If you mean a good attitude didn't help create success in LIFE, I disagree. There is more to life than being in a relationship. Part of a good attitude is wanting what you have instead of being unhappy until you have what you want. No, I was fine in life, although I had to work to get over agoraphobia, and I'm mostly over my social anxiety. I had a life in my own way, but missed out on so many other things. I'm reading a book right now, in which a woman describes just what I've been feeling. (A Year By The Sea, is the name of the book.) So, my life hasn't exactly been "normal", but I won't go into any more of that right now. I've never had a proper relationship, and I was fine with being single for years - I refused to run out and date, just because people expected me to, and thought I was weird for preferring to be at home on a Friday night. I've always known that there's more to life than being in a relationship, it would just be nice to finally have a proper one, and a healthy one. I value the little independence that I have (I can't drive, so I'm dependent on others for that, and I'm pretty isolated) , and like a certain amount of time to myself - I'm always reminding myself how lucky I am for various things, but then I also hear from others how ecstatically happy they are over having their wonderful significant other. 1
tbf Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 As a suggestion Anela, getting your driver's license could be a first step out. 1
EasyHeart Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I find myself finding more of a disconnect between most people and the way feel about dating, and the way I feel personally. I am trying to be more comforting these days - I obviously don't want people to be unhappy. However, sometimes people say some disparaging things about others, especially regarding dating and never seem to have anything remotely positive to say . Both genders. Me on the other hand - I am not really all too bothered. I get on with it, even in my difficult moments, it's not particularly hard. I focus on the rest of my life, and think optimistically. Just some thoughts before the England game comes on. I'm just curious: Am I that much of an outlier? Is it weird or bad to be as positive about dating and other things as I am - even in the face of bad sh*t happening? I love a good wonder No, you're normal. Most people have no problems with dating and generally enjoy it. Sure, there are ups and downs to it -- just like everything else -- but most people just live their lives and date the people they're attracted to. I t's really not all that complicated.
Anela Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 As a suggestion Anela, getting your driver's license could be a first step out. It's my one big phobia. I was starting to think about trying, and then my dad and I got into a car accident, and the van was totalled. I grew up in England, so I was fine when I had access to trains and buses.
Green Light Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I find myself finding more of a disconnect between most people and the way feel about dating, and the way I feel personally. I am trying to be more comforting these days - I obviously don't want people to be unhappy. However, sometimes people say some disparaging things about others, especially regarding dating and never seem to have anything remotely positive to say . Both genders. Me on the other hand - I am not really all too bothered. I get on with it, even in my difficult moments, it's not particularly hard. I focus on the rest of my life, and think optimistically. Just some thoughts before the England game comes on. I'm just curious: Am I that much of an outlier? Is it weird or bad to be as positive about dating and other things as I am - even in the face of bad sh*t happening? I love a good wonder I think there are two things to consider here: A. People are all wired differently. Some people are optimist by nature and some people are pessimists by nature. Some are Type "A" and some are Type "B". Not everybody can process the same information in the same way. So you need to understand that not everybody is capable of being positive the same way you seem to be. B. Age makes a difference. When you get to middle aged and look back and see a trail of bad relationships and bad dating experiences you tend to become cynical. Life has a way of sandpapering away the luster of love. 1
Emilia Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 That's why I don't fault anyone on here who may come across as bitter. I don't expect someone who is unsuccessful to put a smile on and act like everything is good when it's not. It's a vicious circle. If they weren't bitter they would be more successful because people would enjoy being around them more. Sometimes it's the chicken - egg question.
candie13 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I think there are two things to consider here: A. People are all wired differently. Some people are optimist by nature and some people are pessimists by nature. Some are Type "A" and some are Type "B". Not everybody can process the same information in the same way. So you need to understand that not everybody is capable of being positive the same way you seem to be. B. Age makes a difference. When you get to middle aged and look back and see a trail of bad relationships and bad dating experiences you tend to become cynical. Life has a way of sandpapering away the luster of love. I think you mean personality - more melancholic versus more choleric. Same reality, different way of positioning versus the reality: some more turned to the past, more nostalgic, the others firmly grounded on the present. IMO, all people have bad and good experiences (the proportion depends on how fortunate you are, but also on personal choices). What differs most, is how you position yourself, what you make of those experiences. Do you turn bitter and focus EXCLUSIVELY on the failures or do you embrace both the good and the bad, as part of your live and of whom you are/have become and move forward. Same reality, different out take. I'm not saying some have nothing to be bitter about, but they are the main responsible for poisoning their own lives. I am firm believer in the law of attraction: you attract whom you are, not what you want. It's sh*t, but you have to be in a good place to have a good relationship (you're balanced, you won't cling on the other, your SO won't be directly and solely responsible of your happiness, you can cut them loose if they aren't what you are looking for). You're in a bad place... chances are you're vulnerable, not in control of your life, emotional state and this is when all hell can turn loose. It's easier to put the blame on the past or on the others (SO) than taking responsibility, accepting your faults and loving yourself for the good and the bad, kicking yourself in the butt and moving forward. Victim mentality, fear, denial... perfect cocktail for a perfectly unhappy and unbalanced life. No sandpaper over "love" . Sometimes, we need what we need and there's no other way. But most of the times, we know better! Thing is, when you're in a bad place, it is HARD to get out of it by yourself, 'cause you don't really understand what's going on, plus you're exhausted, you're blind, when you're in the middle of the black hole. This is why it is SO important to have a good set of friends who can help out, or family. They can give you the real deal and turn the mirror back on yourself. Help you stop beating yourself up or feeling miserable. Making you aware, reminding you the good things - that are in yourself or in your life. I cannot be grateful enough for those I have in my life, good friends & old friends, people who know me well, people who've just started to know me... I know I'm repeating myself, but how you interpret/ relate to your past and your previous relationships, no matter how difficult or heartbreaking, says a lot more about you, as a person, than how you've actually handled those relationships, when the heat was up.
AlexDP Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I find myself finding more of a disconnect between most people and the way feel about dating, and the way I feel personally. I am trying to be more comforting these days - I obviously don't want people to be unhappy. However, sometimes people say some disparaging things about others, especially regarding dating and never seem to have anything remotely positive to say . Both genders. Me on the other hand - I am not really all too bothered. I get on with it, even in my difficult moments, it's not particularly hard. I focus on the rest of my life, and think optimistically. Just some thoughts before the England game comes on. I'm just curious: Am I that much of an outlier? Is it weird or bad to be as positive about dating and other things as I am - even in the face of bad sh*t happening? I love a good wonder Once you figure out that there are always nice and attractive people who will like you sexually, your confidence cannot be broken. That is the case for me right now and to be honest it has changed my outlook completely. You can only get to that stage after a couple of good experiences. This also means that I am more objective towards the other gender. I see both "good" and "bad" women. I know that sometimes women will treat me poorly because of reasons that were not entirely preventable or because they made bad choices. I also realise how I can respond to their choices and I know that I always have the option to walk away. If you're at that point, dating as such does not bring worries. Now if there are kids and a marriage involved, that is obviously a different story and I don't have the necessary experience to be relaxed about that part yet.
sweetkiwi Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I like your style Who. I have reached a point now (and before) where I just don't care if I have a boyfriend or am dating. Right now what interests me is traveling, working, making friends, and sex. Of course it would be nice to have someone to love who loves me but Im not counting on it.
Bristolius Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 A lot of people are gnashing their teeth because they haven't been in a successful relationship or even A relationship before. It's not that hard to see why people complain when no one has been into them. Sex, relationships, etc... It's like water or air. It only matters when you're not getting any or haven't had any your whole life. There are those like you describe who angrily blame the other gender. Some whine and moan about not being good enough, and some are too beautiful for this ugly world. But what about the lonely people who never post anything here? The silent readers. What do they make of all this?
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 It's much easier to be positive when you are in your 20s. You have your whole life ahead of you, of course there is hope. But when your time has virtually run out, you look back on a string of bad choices and want to hit yourself over the head. Not that I am complaining. I feel calmer and more accepting than ever. I am just saying that it would be easy to despair and I can understand people doing so. 1
Emilia Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 It's much easier to be positive when you are in your 20s. You have your whole life ahead of you, of course there is hope. But when your time has virtually run out, you look back on a string of bad choices and want to hit yourself over the head. Well I am 40 and I don't feel that time has run out nor do I think that I've made a string of bad choices. I know exactly why I made the choices I did and I also know I think differently now because I know more than when I made those choices, it's part of the learning curve that life is. I suppose I don't see why exprience should bring bitterness. Perhaps it does when you don't learn. 1
candie13 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Bitterness comes from focusing on the past, on the chances you've lost, decisions you didn't make or wish you had made, people whom you've treated poorly or whom treated you poorly. Positivity comes from looking forward, thinking that the best is yet to come, irrespective of your age and making sure you put all that experience to good use! 1
Bristolius Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) I'm not angrily blaming anyone... What are YOU talking about? Just because people don't say anything doesn't mean they're dying inside. People who are lonely can suffer in silence. I should know. To be more clear, I meant to build on what you wrote. Peoplele deal with lonliness in different ways. I know nothing about you at all and was not writing about you. Edited to add: people like you describe; not people like you. Edited February 8, 2013 by Bristolius
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