sillyanswer Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Am I that much of an outlier? Is it weird or bad to be as positive about dating and other things as I am - even in the face of bad sh*t happening? No and no. Don't forget that this place has a disproportionally high number of the dating-dysfunctional (and rightly so). You seem to be pretty well adjusted with your head in the right place. What are you doing here anyway? Also: 2-1 !!
ltjg45 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 While I'm not always positive and I am always kicking myself for it, I almost never talk negative to anyone except for me. So I'm 50/50. When someone ask me a highly-talked about question like politics, I tell that that I'm neutral. I only say that because I don't care and I don't want anything to do with it.
Emilia Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Its possible, but I've met some very emotional autistics in recent years, more empathetic than some people without! May just be the kind of person I am - made to be so. It's not about autism, the irony from that poster! It's a genuine I could have written your first post and I think it sometimes. I agree with the poster (I think Candie?) who says it's about stability and being grounded, I also think it's about intelligence and perspective. It's only recently that I realised my codependence issues, why I attracted BPDs, etc and I intellectually faced the dilemma, read lots and lots on it and have more or less emotionally conquered it by allowing myself to develop bonding strategies that don't involve codependency. I've also just had a chat with a former fling with whom I had a huge and very public fall-out about 8 years ago but I added him on LinkedIn as a connection because it didn't even occur to me that he wouldn't want to hear from me and I was right. I am able to relate to people and build long lasting emotional connections. I was out with my ex husband last night, with a mutual friend and two of his best friends. Not even the slightest bit difficult or awkward. Getting over yourself and not carrying grudges around is not a frikken big deal - except on LS :lmao: 2
Els Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 It seems like these days, others are more concerned with me not being in a relationship than I am. I actually have to keep telling them that I am happy being single and relationships are not all there is in life. This is incredibly annoying, and worse... IT NEVER ENDS. When you are single, people pressure you to get into a R. When you're in a R for a while, people pressure you to marry. When you marry, people pressure you to have kids. Holy guacamole. It's like some people think there's only one way to live life - their way - and there's something wrong with everyone who doesn't conform. /rant Sorry for spoiling your optimistic thread, TW. 3
carhill Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I'm just curious: Am I that much of an outlier? I think it was at about age 32, after a good 15 years of disappointment, that I went through a period of discouragement bordering upon depression. Before that, rolled with it. Persistent rejection wears upon the psyche, at least it did mine, over that long of a time period.
candie13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 It's not about autism, the irony from that poster! It's a genuine I could have written your first post and I think it sometimes. I agree with the poster (I think Candie?) who says it's about stability and being grounded, I also think it's about intelligence and perspective. It's only recently that I realised my codependence issues, why I attracted BPDs, etc and I intellectually faced the dilemma, read lots and lots on it and have more or less emotionally conquered it by allowing myself to develop bonding strategies that don't involve codependency. Getting over yourself and not carrying grudges around is not a frikken big deal - except on LS :lmao: don't mean to ruin this happy "I'm dating and I can't be bothered" thread, but I don't buy it. one dates because they take an interest in their date, which sometimes leads to relationships and to emotional closeness. This means the other person gets to know your **** and you get to know their. It's not pretty and it get intense, hurtful, disappointing, but this is how we work, we grow, but caring, by exposing ourselves and by ... yeah, biting the dust hard, once in a while. Sh*t happens all the time and to everybody, but the way we decide to deal with that sh*t, how we take rejection and fear and hurt, our conclusions and how we decide to move on, this is what is defining our quality, as people. how we relate with what happened to us and to those who aren't in our lives anymore. Not the "I am invincible, nothing can get to me" shield. that's just sad... because it means that that person is a bit scared and all alone. I've had 7 wonderful years with my ex and a horrible 3 months break up. An year and a half later, we had a cup of coffee. Both of us had moved on. Both wishing the other person well and being grateful for the time we spent together. It's what made me richer - also, boy, 7 years, talk about not wanting to give up, one thinks I could have taken things a bit less seriously, haha !
TouchedByViolet Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 This is incredibly annoying, and worse... IT NEVER ENDS. When you are single, people pressure you to get into a R. When you're in a R for a while, people pressure you to marry. When you marry, people pressure you to have kids. Holy guacamole. It's like some people think there's only one way to live life - their way - and there's something wrong with everyone who doesn't conform. /rant Sorry for spoiling your optimistic thread, TW. I almost cried laughing reading this 1
Drseussgrrl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 don't mean to ruin this happy "I'm dating and I can't be bothered" thread, but I don't buy it. one dates because they take an interest in their date, which sometimes leads to relationships and to emotional closeness. This means the other person gets to know your **** and you get to know their. It's not pretty and it get intense, hurtful, disappointing, but this is how we work, we grow, but caring, by exposing ourselves and by ... yeah, biting the dust hard, once in a while. Sh*t happens all the time and to everybody, but the way we decide to deal with that sh*t, how we take rejection and fear and hurt, our conclusions and how we decide to move on, this is what is defining our quality, as people. how we relate with what happened to us and to those who aren't in our lives anymore. Not the "I am invincible, nothing can get to me" shield. that's just sad... because it means that that person is a bit scared and all alone. I've had 7 wonderful years with my ex and a horrible 3 months break up. An year and a half later, we had a cup of coffee. Both of us had moved on. Both wishing the other person well and being grateful for the time we spent together. It's what made me richer - also, boy, 7 years, talk about not wanting to give up, one thinks I could have taken things a bit less seriously, haha ! I don't equate dating to relationships. Apples and oranges. Of course when a relationship breaks up I don't just skip away unscathed. I've been hurt very deeply, and loved deeply. Soul-shaking experiences that change you. But if it's just some dude I've been out with a few times and he fades out, no I don't get all butt-hurt about it and over-analyze everything. I move on to the next prospect. And I'm having enough fun in my own life in the meantime that it doesn't really matter to me who does or doesn't decide to be a part of it, romantically.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 This is incredibly annoying, and worse... IT NEVER ENDS. When you are single, people pressure you to get into a R. When you're in a R for a while, people pressure you to marry. When you marry, people pressure you to have kids. Holy guacamole. It's like some people think there's only one way to live life - their way - and there's something wrong with everyone who doesn't conform. /rant Sorry for spoiling your optimistic thread, TW. Omg this is so true. I was talking to a coworker the other day about her kids and how she had just found the perfect nanny. Just kitchen chit chat. I made a joke that I was going to start bringing my houseplant to Christmas parties because I have about 6 close girlfriends right now who are expecting. The look on her face was priceless. Pure pity, like I was some sort of freak. She murmured, "Well, I mean don't you have a boyfriend?" And I go, "Ah - nope!" and she said, "Well I'm trying to think if I have any single guys I could introduce you to..." She just couldn't wrap her head around the fact that I am HAPPY! The NERVE! 2
candie13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I don't equate dating to relationships. Apples and oranges. Of course when a relationship breaks up I don't just skip away unscathed. I've been hurt very deeply, and loved deeply. Soul-shaking experiences that change you. But if it's just some dude I've been out with a few times and he fades out, no I don't get all butt-hurt about it and over-analyze everything. I move on to the next prospect. And I'm having enough fun in my own life in the meantime that it doesn't really matter to me who does or doesn't decide to be a part of it, romantically. I sort of agree and sort of don't... it's still people. And if you meet an amazing, breath taking person, little does it matter that you're dating for two or three months (and not in a "relationship"), meeting that person, the time spent together, the joy, the hope, the astonishment... that can be a life changing experience too. It's about how much you decide to take out of life and those around you. Not all guys are like that. Some are just regular dudes. Other just want sex. Other just to feel good about themselves. Some come, some leave, others come for more, it's life, I'd be pretty busy if I got devastated every time I date a guy (I dated a LOT these last 2 years). But generally, I care. I like people. I like men. And I am not afraid to be myself, which is open, warm and kind. Yeah, stuck up too, moody, defensive, sometimes aggressive, other times shy. An overthinker. an Overworrier too, haha. But I hate pretending. And even more than pretending, I hate, I loathe wasting my time!
candie13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Omg this is so true. I was talking to a coworker the other day about her kids and how she had just found the perfect nanny. Just kitchen chit chat. I made a joke that I was going to start bringing my houseplant to Christmas parties because I have about 6 close girlfriends right now who are expecting. The look on her face was priceless. Pure pity, like I was some sort of freak. She murmured, "Well, I mean don't you have a boyfriend?" And I go, "Ah - nope!" and she said, "Well I'm trying to think if I have any single guys I could introduce you to..." She just couldn't wrap her head around the fact that I am HAPPY! The NERVE! I actually made my speech. To all people who try to impress me and shove down my throat their "happiness", I tell that I am feeling truly blessed, for I have a good bunch of friends near me and that I will NEVER settle. When the time comes, I shall buy 4 or 5 cats and 2 dogs and I'll be the crazy cat lady. I'll walk them everywhere, but I will never settle with some guy I don't care and who doesn't care about me. And I'll make sure, when I die all alone in my house, that they have plenty of food so that they don't end up eating my face, like it happened to that lady from Sex in the City! *usually, by the time I get to the "eating my face" part, people are too grossed out to follow the rest of my story . case closed"
Emilia Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 *usually, by the time I get to the "eating my face" part, people are too grossed out to follow the rest of my story . case closed" haha I just lie and pretend that I'm seeing someone albeit casually. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I have a girlfriend who has been perpetually single and just got her 9th cat. Not even joking. She says she's happy being single but I don't know if I really believe it based on how she talks about men. I think that would be scary for ANY dude to come back to your place and see. A real live cat lady in the flesh!
candie13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 smart! no, I don't say sh*t about my private life, they're dying to know where I'm going, and whom I'm banging! That's the craziness of it: two weeks ago, I am I'm by myself, dinner with lots of couples , all telling me "I should settle down" and "there must be some nice guys in this city". So usually, I can't stay it until the end of the evening to hear about their house refurbishing plans - on a regular weekend day, my gfs are texting me to go out. When they hear the text and see me getting up and about to leave, I get flooded with questions: "soooo... where r u going? what are you going to do tonight? are you seeing your friends? how many are you? Are you really going out dancing? Right now, on this cold? Is there reeeaaallllyyyyy not anyone waiting for you to get back home"... yeah, I got a life, I may not be in a relationship but I'm not dead either, sorry! 1
Drseussgrrl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 smart! no, I don't say sh*t about my private life, they're dying to know where I'm going, and whom I'm banging! That's the craziness of it: two weeks ago, I am I'm by myself, dinner with lots of couples , all telling me "I should settle down" and "there must be some nice guys in this city". So usually, I can't stay it until the end of the evening to hear about their house refurbishing plans - on a regular weekend day, my gfs are texting me to go out. When they hear the text and see me getting up and about to leave, I get flooded with questions: "soooo... where r u going? what are you going to do tonight? are you seeing your friends? how many are you? Are you really going out dancing? Right now, on this cold? Is there reeeaaallllyyyyy not anyone waiting for you to get back home"... yeah, I got a life, I may not be in a relationship but I'm not dead either, sorry! Haha oh god. My Monday morning IMing conversations are so funny. There are my married friends checking in: Married Friend: "So, how was your weekend?" Me: "It was baller! Saturday night I ended up on U St in the city and met a supa fly brotha, ended up making out with him a lil bit I think? Haha. Anyway, then Sunday met up with my crew for Sunday Funday. Oh and the date Friday night? Yeah was like sitting across from a wet dishrag. How about you?" Married Friend: "Oh it was nice. Colin is finishing up the basement. We visited my parents for a bit. Took Tilly to the dogpark. Nice and relaxing." 2
candie13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I have a girlfriend who has been perpetually single and just got her 9th cat. Not even joking. She says she's happy being single but I don't know if I really believe it based on how she talks about men. I think that would be scary for ANY dude to come back to your place and see. A real live cat lady in the flesh! I'd wait until I'm 50, by that age, I don't think a cat or two might harm my date-ability allure, by that time, haha! But 9 cats??? nine??? Oh, my GOD, no offense, but unless she owns a freakin' huge mansion, the smell, yuuuuk ! She didn't give up on men, she's shielding herself from men! and humanity ! Sorry, I am a clean freak, I can't imagine that! On another note, if you really are a friend, you should talk to her and she should see a doctor... three, even 4 cats, ok, but 9...? to me, it sounds pathological. Really, get her to talk to a doctor... 1
pteromom Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I'm just curious: Am I that much of an outlier? Is it weird or bad to be as positive about dating and other things as I am - even in the face of bad sh*t happening? Yes, but it's a good thing! I think for your age, you are incredibly self-aware, balanced, logical, and accepting of others. This DOES make you an outlier, but in a good way. All of this will only serve you well for the rest of your life. Too many people want to spend their lives blaming the world for their dating difficulties instead of taking control and making it happen. Of course, some people are going to have a harder time than others. If you are a 30 year old fat bald guy with a minimum wage job, then, yeah, you are not going to have the same dating options as James Bond does. But that doesn't mean you sit at home eating worms and pouting about how unfair life is. That means you get out there and get 'r done. You work on what you have control over - your weight, your ability to socialize, your job situation. It means you have the guts to look rejection in the face and take chances on talking to women and asking them out. It means you cast your net wide and use every avenue available to you to try to find those who would be happy dating you - online, meet-ups, classes, talking to women on the bus/in stores/ etc. It means you take responsibility for your own life! I get really tired of the "woe is me" stuff and the "society isn't fair" stuff on here. Neither attitude leads to personal success.
pteromom Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 When the time comes, I shall buy 4 or 5 cats and 2 dogs and I'll be the crazy cat lady. I'll walk them everywhere, but I will never settle with some guy I don't care and who doesn't care about me. And I'll make sure, when I die all alone in my house, that they have plenty of food so that they don't end up eating my face, like it happened to that lady from Sex in the City! *usually, by the time I get to the "eating my face" part, people are too grossed out to follow the rest of my story . case closed" You sound awesome. And yes, being single is MUCH better than settling for someone. BTW, according to a Facebook post I saw the other day, *seven* is the number of cats it takes to officially be a crazy cat lady. So you need to up your goals a little. 1
candie13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Haha oh god. My Monday morning IMing conversations are so funny. There are my married friends checking in: Married Friend: "So, how was your weekend?" Me: "It was baller! Saturday night I ended up on U St in the city and met a supa fly brotha, ended up making out with him a lil bit I think? Haha. Anyway, then Sunday met up with my crew for Sunday Funday. Oh and the date Friday night? Yeah was like sitting across from a wet dishrag. How about you?" Married Friend: "Oh it was nice. Colin is finishing up the basement. We visited my parents for a bit. Took Tilly to the dogpark. Nice and relaxing." cruel... very cruel... heartless, I totally approve I got this Scottish gf who always loses her high shoes when she goes dancing! Imagine that piece of conversation: "yeah, we've refilled Susan's party shoes stock, today, we're out dancing, next Friday, fresh supply needed" 1
candie13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 You sound awesome. And yes, being single is MUCH better than settling for someone. BTW, according to a Facebook post I saw the other day, *seven* is the number of cats it takes to officially be a crazy cat lady. So you need to up your goals a little. yeah but... 4 / 5 cats + 2 dogs = almost 7 pets ! I like diversity (obviously ), maybe I can have a bunny rabbit, once in a while and everytime it disappears, I'd run a "thorough investigation" amongst the whole bunch to see who ate it, again !! I think you're pretty great, too, pteromom! 1
Anela Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 You sound awesome. And yes, being single is MUCH better than settling for someone. BTW, according to a Facebook post I saw the other day, *seven* is the number of cats it takes to officially be a crazy cat lady. So you need to up your goals a little. I had seven, starting when I was around twenty-years-old! Dennis, then Chloe and her kittens, followed by Minnie and Teasel, not long after my twentieth birthday. Of course, I've always been in the "it's better to be single, than in a bad relationship" camp, and I didn't mind being single at that age. I don't *always* mind it now. 1
Anela Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I get really tired of the "woe is me" stuff and the "society isn't fair" stuff on here. Neither attitude leads to personal success. I know what you mean, but having a pretty good attitude (great attitude, at times) didn't help me, either. 1
MrCastle Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I would say you are more positive than most I've met. Both in real life and on this forum. Might just be your personality. I change with the situation, as I'm sure most people do. When things are going good, I'm happy. When they're not, I'm upset. If you want me to be positive, give me a reason. That's why I don't fault anyone on here who may come across as bitter. I don't expect someone who is unsuccessful to put a smile on and act like everything is good when it's not. 3
pteromom Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I know what you mean, but having a pretty good attitude (great attitude, at times) didn't help me, either. Depends on what your definition of "help" is. If you mean a good attitude didn't help create success in dating, then I agree. If you mean a good attitude didn't help create success in LIFE, I disagree. There is more to life than being in a relationship. Part of a good attitude is wanting what you have instead of being unhappy until you have what you want. 2
RogerWallace111 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I'm right there with you. Age definitely plays into it though, I don't feel any pressure time-wise but I might in another 10 years. Plus I don't traditionally "date"- as in online dating, "singles" oriented ****, etc. I just go out with friends, do the things I do on a daily basis, and keep my eyes open for girls who make me go "damn" as far as looks, general vibe, style, etc. Then talk to them and see if there's any "chemistry" and whatnot. People have more options in the internet age but I think theyre more scared to be alone as a result. Like a feeling that "clearly so many people are looking for love, I can't get left out". Being single is kind of looked at as something to deal with while lining up the next relationship. I don't look at it that way (except while freshly out of a relationship), as you clearly don't either Wholigan... It's just more of life. More time to keep progressing yourself and working toward your goals. The dating "woes" seem to be caused by built-up expectations, fear of loneliness, and a general feeling that one needs to have a significant other. Pretty lame honestly... Though I completely understand wanting love, it can feel better than almost anything in the world. And I feel for those getting older and wanting kids, etc. But I feel like people's impatience leads to lots of frustration. 1
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