calista Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 My boyfriend and I got to talking and came to a subject of what we had always thought we wanted in someone and he (being the harshly honest man that he is) reminded me I'm not perfect but he told me he doesn't expect me to be. He went on to explain the physical traits he liked and then got to weight. He prefaced his remark with letting me know it would make me self conscious and he got upset and turned away from me and never finished his statement. This behavior made me super self conscious! I did not even want him to touch me after that. I have always had poor body image due to a verbally abusive past. My esteem and confidence has improved greatly from where it was and I have been learning to accept my body for the way it is more and more... but this felt like such a crushing blow. He does know I'm sensitive to my body and how I look. It just got me snowballing on a downhill spiral of thoughts. I have been seeing this man for over a year now and he has never told me he thinks I'm beautiful. I am not angry at him for it and it hasn't bothered me overly much in the past. Now I'm just dovetailing it all together. I'm trying to be realistic, and to me realistic is that I'm not attractive enough and I should not expect him to find me very attractive. Now I'm hypersensitive to the slightest of touch from him. I am conscious of exactly where his hand goes and what he is feeling. I get scared for what he will touch and how it will feel. It is so bad I began trembling at one point in bed and had to write it off as shivers from being chilly. I'm ashamed for how I'm feeling. I'm ashamed for how I look. It's like I'm keeping a mantra in the back of my head telling me I shouldn't expect him to find me attractive and then I won't be disappointed, but that's making me numb and pathetic. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't want to make him touch or look at me; I don't feel worthy of it. I tell him he is handsome and cute and attractive often (and I really do think he is). I just don't think I am and I think he could do better than me.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 OMG, where to start..... First of all, you need to turn that last statement round.... hang on - like this..... I tell him he is handsome and cute and attractive often (and I really do think he is). I just know I could do better than him. Okay? Fixed that for you, honey. He's an ass-wipe. No BF on the planet would treat his GF like that, if he had half a gram of decency. He's just using you for sex and what he can get, and frankly, he needs a massive tact-implant. More than we have in storage, currently.... Secondly - I think you need to see someone professional, because you are leaning on the past, to justify the present, which inhibits and damages your potential future. Moderate your intake, get a dog, join the gym, drink plenty of water.. Get pro-active about your shape and size, take responsibility - but don't say "I'm like *this* because of *that*. And yeah, honestly Seek support form a dietician, (should be one at your local medical surgery) and ask your doctor about referral to a counsellor. Oh and lastly? Ditch the jerk. get a new improved life and tell him where he can shove his opinions. (Hint: It's a dark and smelly place.....) 2
veggirl Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 WHY would you have that conversation knowing you are self-conscious? like what purpose does discussing "so what's your ideal body type?" serve?! You walked right into this sorry. and I dont think he really did anything wrong, you both participated in the discussion (which never should have happened!!! but that's on both of you guys) 3
Ladybugz Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 You know i feel sorrry for you. But i think conversation like that you should have way before getting into a relationship. And i think maybe you still not over the consequences of your abuse. And i think its better for you not to date for a while and take that time to work on your self esteem. Otherwise you will keep lean on men to tell you what you are how you are so you can feel good. While you have to know what you are and love yourself first. and valid compliments just add more to it. But it you have none and wait for what people tells you you will get disappointed all the time. Cause people will always find something they dont like. And people with low self esteem are often the kind of people abusers look for. You need to find out what are the good things that you can do, hobbies etc. quality's, and do your hobbies. Look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are and what you really like about your self. What is those things that you can do as the best? A low self esteem can have his roots in issues from your childhood. so maybe your parents told you often you are not good etc. or you did not have a dad so you lean on every man to tell you what your that should tell you etc. Go to a therapist, read books about self esteem, (Christian books) aSK PEOPLE THAT LOVES YOU AND REALLY KNOW YOU LIKE A Go work on yourself. Put on paper what a good men is. And how you want to be treat. etc. Get busy with yourself for a period. And never stop working on your self.
Ladybugz Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 aSK PEOPLE THAT LOVES YOU AND REALLY KNOW YOU LIKE A ... something went wrong with my post. but what i was saying there is, ask people that really loves you like a good friend that knows you for years, parents, family what are the good quality's that they see in you. And ask them to be more specific if you want to. And write them down with others that you wrote yourself. And read them when you feel like low . Self esteem is something every body need to work on . and it grow every time more and more. Have some boundaries, write down what you dont accept from people and what you like them do to you or for you. etc Its like im writing a whole book for you lol. But get some books and you will know more how to. I can recommend you books of writer Nancy van Pelt.
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 My boyfriend and I got to talking and came to a subject of what we had always thought we wanted in someone and he (being the harshly honest man that he is) reminded me I'm not perfect but he told me he doesn't expect me to be. He went on to explain the physical traits he liked and then got to weight. He prefaced his remark with letting me know it would make me self conscious and he got upset and turned away from me and never finished his statement. This behavior made me super self conscious! I did not even want him to touch me after that. This whole thing left me scratching my head. How many physical traits did he list that match you? He really never says you are beautiful or attractive? Ever? How about once a week or once a month? Do you consider yourself to be too heavy or too skinny or something? Honestly, I don't think I could ever be with someone who didn't find me to be attractive.... even if it was hard for me to believe. I'm not sure this relationship is good for you. You need someone who builds you up... even if maybe you don't think that guy is super hot himself. 1
FitChick Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 For you people who say it's never okay to lie, this is one consequence. However, one way around an awkward situation like this is to say, "You are beautiful TO ME" and drop the subject. 1
RachR Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I doubt your self esteem and self image will get much better as long as you're dating him. And if they do, you'll see he's an ass and want to be treated better and with less thoughtlessness. 2
kaylan Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Stupid bf is stupid. If I really care about a girl, I dont compare her to other women, and she generally becomes my ideal because Im greatly attached to her. I dunno how a guy can never tell his gf she is beautiful. Why date a woman you dont find to be beautiful. What a dolt. Bail and find someone better. 4
TheGuard13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 What do you mean he "reminded you that you're not perfect"? What does that entail? Does he do that often?
TheGuard13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 (edited) Well, yes and no... Anyone who doesn't realize they aren't perfect and gets upset about that fact or that statement is a bit oversensitive, in my mind. Now, if the guy has an ideal look, and she's just not it, AND he's constantly somehow reminding her of that or belitting her...that's a problem. Its a type of emotional abuse. However, it is very possible to love someone and realize they're not the most attractive person in the world...been there myself. It's difficult to deal with situations like this, because A, sometimes you're not very attracted to them (which can be said about ANY partner, even if they're hot), and the old "You're beautiful" or "You're beautiful to me" doesn't really work well with a truly insecure person, and isn't what your partner always wants to hear. If he's just discussing what his "type" is because that's what the conversation was...that makes me think he's less of a jerk. He might be attracted to something she's not...but that doesn't mean he's not attracted to her, or that he doesn't care about her, etc. Significant Others, if you don't want honest answers to things, don't ask honest people the questions. No one should have to lie to you to save your feelings because you can't control your curiosity. Edited February 6, 2013 by TheGuard13
pteromom Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Your opinion of yourself should not come from what someone else thinks. If you believe he isn't attracted to you, you need to decide whether you might deserve someone who thinks you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. I think you do deserve that.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 TheGuard13, wonder if you caught these bit.... reminded me I'm not perfect but he told me he doesn't expect me to be. ..... letting me know it would make me self conscious and he got upset and turned away from me and never finished his statement. .....I have always had poor body image due to a verbally abusive past. My esteem and confidence has improved greatly from where it was and I have been learning to accept my body for the way it is more and more... but this felt like such a crushing blow. .... I have been seeing this man for over a year now and he has never told me he thinks I'm beautiful. .....I'm ashamed for how I'm feeling. I'm ashamed for how I look.... . I don't want to make him touch or look at me; I don't feel worthy of it. ..... That'' some heavy stuff and not something that can be dealt with in a short space of time. And if he's AWARE of what she's like and how she feels, then it's really thoughtless (to say the VERY LEAST!!) of him to treat her that way.
TheGuard13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 How should he be treating her? Should he lie to her? Some men just aren't vocal about attraction, especially when they're aware that what they'll probably hear is something defensive or insecure. For instance, as a man, when you say to a woman "You look nice" and get "No I don't, I'm fat or hideous", it gets to be a bit much. Especially if you're aware that's the case. Maybe she is fat, or doesn't look her best. After awhile, you assume that if your girlfriend values your honesty, she won't go compliment fishing and then reject your attempts to make her feel good about herself, or she won't ask you sensitive questions like this. I'm not saying that's what's going on here, I'm just saying, I don't have information to determine this guy's behavior based on the way she stated things.
pbjbear Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Did you bring this up OP? Because if you didnt you should dump him. Mean who voluntarily say these kind of things and never say anything nice about you...run. I have seen women date guys like this and they are emotionally draining You deserve better Someone should build you up, not tear you down
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 How should he be treating her? Should he lie to her? Some men just aren't vocal about attraction, especially when they're aware that what they'll probably hear is something defensive or insecure. For instance, as a man, when you say to a woman "You look nice" and get "No I don't, I'm fat or hideous", it gets to be a bit much. Especially if you're aware that's the case. Maybe she is fat, or doesn't look her best. After awhile, you assume that if your girlfriend values your honesty, she won't go compliment fishing and then reject your attempts to make her feel good about herself, or she won't ask you sensitive questions like this. I'm not saying that's what's going on here, I'm just saying, I don't have information to determine this guy's behavior based on the way she stated things. That's because you're a guy. Seriously. I'm not being sexist. I really think it's a 'gal' thing. And 'gals' get it.
TheGuard13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Well, elaborate then. Tell me how it is. Tell me what, in a healthy relationship, there is to "get". And keep in mind, I don't think we have enough information about the context of all this or their relationship to draw conclusions about whether he's a jerk quite yet. Quite honestly, depending on the circumstances, I don't see what he's supposed to do. If he lies to her, then he's lying to her. I don't think that's right. If a man is in a relationship with an insecure person, I think he has a couple of key responsibilities. Chief among them, to make her feel better about herself as best he can. This is easier said than done. Compliments and honest statements are often met with self put-downs and more insecurity. His job is not to make things worse. That means he needs to be sensitive to her concerns/insecurities, which means that, unless he has serious issues with her appearance, he should allow her to dictate when she wants to discuss these insecurities, or discuss anything that could trigger them, and on what terms. It doesn't mean that, when the topic goes there, if she presses him for how he feels, that he should lie to her. It's not an easy situation to deal with. There is one thing I overlooked. She says they "got to talking". I'm curious who brought it up.
pbjbear Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I find most men are never satisfied with what they have. I know men who have girlfriends who are way too awesome for them and theyd still say crap like this if a girl brought it up. Very few men can attain their "ideal" woman looks-wise OP, dont ask men stuff about this...you DONT want to know the answers
TheGuard13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Yes, but again, it's a discussion about ideals. Even a good looking, great guy may not be his girlfriend's "ideal". And vice versa.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Put it this way. men are analytical and critical. Women are self-conscious and sensitive. And this is largely down to media hype about what they should look like, and the diet industry is complicit in this. I've seen more heavy-set guys give a damn about what they look like, than women, because forgetting everything about obesity, the dangers, the reasons and the social prejudice against really big people, when it comes to being judged about whether you're the perfect size *insert ideal here*, it's painfully evident that double standards are alive and kicking. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Your boyfriend is not responsible for your self-esteem - and if you are overweight, that's something you can work on. I have been seeing this man for over a year now and he has never told me he thinks I'm beautiful. But this isn't good. If I were you, I'd move on, work on your self-esteem and weight, and hold out for someone who finds you attractive.
FitChick Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 The fact that he's stayed with you this long and you are not his type, tells me his options are limited. Not exactly a prize himself.
soccerrprp Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I have been seeing this man for over a year now and he has never told me he thinks I'm beautiful. I was also struck by this! He sounds passive aggressive to me to hold such a feeling for so long to only bring it up now. Leave him. Here is my take on this for what it's worth... I keep myself fit, toned and expect the same from my SO. I make it very clear that I am attracted to such. My current gf is very attractive, but is also aware how important it is for partners to keep each other attracted to one another physically and in other ways, of course. She is willing and eager to work out to improve herself. She wants and admits, needs, someone to help her remain motivated about improving herself physically. Believe me, there is very little about my gf that needs improving, but we are in agreement that looking and feeling good is something that we both want. I think it disingenuous for some to think that we should all be okay with the way our partners look or become if it is clearly an issue for both or either member of the relationship. Especially true if both have physical preferences and suddenly become indifferent about one's own appearance, but continue to have expectations for the SO to remain in a form that is appealing. I'm sorry this guy doesn't find you as attractive, but you have full control over the way you look. This should be easier considering you yourself recognize that you are in the form that even you find less than attractive. He was being honest. You admit it to be the truth. Now dump him and get in the shape you want to be in and find a guy who's going to drool over you and tell you from the start that you are beautiful!
ascendotum Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 The fact that he's stayed with you this long and you are not his type, tells me his options are limited. Not exactly a prize himself. This could well be the case, though I don't think not complimenting your partner on their beauty does not necessarily mean you think you're hot stuff yourself. Guys tend to be more pragmatic about looks, though I totally understand why beauty in the eyes of their partner is a bigger deal for women. I think she needs to find a guy who finds her beautiful and also who she still finds sexy as well. Its the ideal situation though that might be easier said than done for some people (no put down intended for the OP). Though dealing with your body insecurities rather than just sweeping them under the rug with a 'lets not talk it anymore it upsets me' or just tell me pretty lies, would be a better way to move forward.
TheGuard13 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Put it this way. men are analytical and critical. Women are self-conscious and sensitive. This is a generality that ultimately tells me nothing. I don't really see why men and women occassionally having different "sensitivities" should have anything to do with how he should be treating her in a relationship when it comes to exchanging honesty.
Recommended Posts