underwater2010 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 If you divorced your WS was it specifically because of the affair or was it just the straw that broke the camel's back?
BetrayedH Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 If you divorced your WS was it specifically because of the affair or was it just the straw that broke the camel's back? Our divorce was exclusively affair-related. But in hindsight, I had settled for far less than I was worth. Wish I hadn't spent 20 years with that one; her affair really opened my eyes to how selfish she really was. Being separated from her for a year now (and being with someone new that values me) has been an eye-opener. 5
Spark1111 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I read in an anonymous exit poll that the number one reason people divorce is neglect, not infidelity though infidelity may be cited as a legal reason. It seems for many to be the straw that DOES break the Carmel's back, but not the main reason. Like BH learned, selfish and self-centered is something we often believe we can love out of a person. Or, maybe, because we love them, we condition ourselves to accept less. Then there are those who do not divorce because of drugs, gambling, hell, even incarceration, because maybe they still feel valued by their partner. For me, it was very, very close as I had spent so much of my marriage begging him to go to counseling to deal with his FOO issues which I knew were often projected unfairly onto me and sometimes the kids...Ghost of the father, KWIM? The affair was one more symptom of that and it would have been the final deal breaker had he not sought so hard to change his perceptions and defensive behaviors. He still is working on it as it still affects his life on the job. I wish people would step back more and introspect those parts of their personalities that continually cause them trouble in their interpersonal relationships. The would become better partners, parents and friends if they once stopped believing it must be everyone else's fault.
drifter777 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 We've seen this question here at LS quite a few times. The answers have shown that the majority of BS's who divorced their WS have little of no regrets while many BS's now regret their decision to reconcile. I am a BS still trying to forgive and truly regret my decision to reconcile. Its taken way, way too long to get to the place I'm at now - which is most of the way toward peace of mind regarding her cheating.
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I'm 7 months separated and generally feel I did the right thing, but I do struggle with feeling of regret almost every day. The divorce (still in process....ugh.......) is definitely because of the affair, and how it was handled. It did open my eyes to how dishonest and selfish she could be. Really shocking. I'm constantly hit by things that make me go, "yeah she's completely dishonest" as we go through the divorce process. Trust is so completely destroyed, I could never be sane around her again. If she tells me something is "ok" I don't trust it really is. I found myself desperate to mind read those last few months of R. "Did she mean that? Or was she just being polite?" Second guessing myself with someone constantly, not really knowing where you stand, it's enough to drive anyone insane. If I ever end up with anyone else, I'd have to be sure I hear some brutal assertive honesty from them time to time ^^. Rounding back to the main point, I guess I was the frog in the boiling water. Things had gotten really bad and I didn't know it. Maybe the affair was the straw that broke the camel's back but I didn't really see it until after we had separated. It's taken me a while to see her for the dishonest/selfish person she is. She had to prove it over and over to me first. It was like, "Oh you are the type of person who would have an affair?...that means you are...? Wait, ok I'll give you a chance, who are you?" Then, confirmation after confirmation until I couldn't handle it anymore, marriage over. 2
wanderluster Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Awwh.. Lik.. I just want to give you a hug every time I see your posts... Well I am glad most of you are happier and better off without the WS... But do you think it would've worked out if you all tried again? What would it have taken from your WS to repair the damage? Was it just not worth the hassle for most of you? Why do some of you not regret it at all?
wanderluster Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 We've seen this question here at LS quite a few times. The answers have shown that the majority of BS's who divorced their WS have little of no regrets while many BS's now regret their decision to reconcile. I am a BS still trying to forgive and truly regret my decision to reconcile. Its taken way, way too long to get to the place I'm at now - which is most of the way toward peace of mind regarding her cheating. I'm sorry you regret giving your WS a second chance, But congratulations on the courage to do so, don't give up hope. What do you think can be done differently to speed up the process?
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I tried to reconcile for 3 years, but she just wasn't on board for whatever reasons...Either my lacking in affair busting techniques or her lack of character, but the end result is the same. Looking back however on our 10 year marriage with the benefit of knowing her character now, I should have picked up on many red flags (lying and obfuscating)...So I guess I'm better off for failing R, although, I have regrets everyday.
BetrayedH Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I tried to reconcile for 3 years, but she just wasn't on board for whatever reasons...Either my lacking in affair busting techniques or her lack of character, but the end result is the same. Looking back however on our 10 year marriage with the benefit of knowing her character now, I should have picked up on many red flags (lying and obfuscating)...So I guess I'm better off for failing R, although, I have regrets everyday. I can relate a lot to this post.
drifter777 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry you regret giving your WS a second chance, But congratulations on the courage to do so, don't give up hope. What do you think can be done differently to speed up the process? No congratulations - I'm ashamed that I gave her a "second chance". I was afraid to start my life over and being afraid is nothing to be proud of. I wish I would have divorced her. I should have used the word acceptance rather than forgiveness. To me, the act of infidelity is unforgivable. In addition, the way it all happened, her cruelness and callus disregard for my feelings on and right after d-day is just as unforgivable. Speed up the process now? I don't know. The challenge is to accept that she is human and made horrible mistakes but has proven that she is not the same person who hurt me back then. I am also finding it just as hard to forgive myself for being so weak and taking her back just to ease the hurt and thinking time will magically heal me. Things are much better now and I'm making progress but am not there yet. Edit: Also, the message on your avatar literally makes me sick. Why should anyone believe their feelings don't count and simply take it in the rear? And then come back for more? Idiotic message. Edited February 7, 2013 by drifter777
2.50 a gallon Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 My Ex was extremely sexy, and used her sexuality to snag me. For over 2 and half years there was nothing sexual she would not do with me. Upon our returning from our honeymoon, she let me know she was now my wife and not a slut. Strike 1 Her new work place was mostly male dominated. She being extemely sexy soon brought the attention of multiple OM's, who soon had her ear, and they began to twist everything I said or did into something negative. Strike 2 Catching her kissing the OM. Strike 3 I walked away and never looked back. She divorced me about 4 years later
jwi71 Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 If you divorced your WS was it specifically because of the affair or was it just the straw that broke the camel's back? Had my xWW not cheated I would still be M to her. Her A was the sole reason. While being one of the most difficult things a person can endure it also proved the most rewarding at its conclusion and in hindsight.
Snowflower Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I am also finding it just as hard to forgive myself for being so weak and taking her back just to ease the hurt and thinking time will magically heal me. Things are much better now and I'm making progress but am not there yet. . Cut yourself some slack, man! You did the best you could at that time. No BS is given a handbook at d-day that says, do this, this and this and it will make it better for you. No, as BS we had to fumble around in face of heartwrenching pain and make decisions that would affect the rest of our lives and perhaps the lives of our children. I wish I had done some things differently too after d-day. But you know what, I did the best I could at the time and honestly if I had tried a different tack with my marriage, who knows if it would have been any better? 1
Charlie Harper Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 When someone cheats specially if the A is a lomg emotional one that goes physical , I guess Its over, because it almost imposible to fall in love with someone who you do not respect, dont love or simply put you dont give a rats ass about their feelings...
96nole Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Divorced her because of the cheating. I gave her a second chance. I tried to reconcile. But she kept cheating. My second d-day was one year ago yesterday. By that afternoon I had an appointment with my lawyer. It certainly wasn't easy. But I don't regret doing it. I couldn't live with someone who can so easily lie and cheat. I also don't regret giving her a second chance. If I didn't, then I would always wonder if we could have worked it out. Now I won't wonder. Going forward, I will not give a second chance do to cheating. I'll make sure all future women know that if they cheat just once, they will be out on their ass. Funny thing, last night I had a dream that was getting back with the ex. Even after she had dirtbags baby. The whole time I was with her I had a disgusted feeling about her. I picked her up from somewhere, we were in the car and I couldn't even talk to her because I felt that if I opened my mouth I would throw up. After that, I woke up. I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out the meaning of that dream.
2sure Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I divorced him specifically because of his infidelity. He was a serial Chester, and it took my finding out 3 times. He had no attachment to anyone he cheated with and his cheating was driven by a selfish want of constant validation. Still, it wasn't the sex, it was the lies to my face and the gaslighting that made me realize....he had to go. 1
drifter777 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Cut yourself some slack, man! You did the best you could at that time. No BS is given a handbook at d-day that says, do this, this and this and it will make it better for you. No, as BS we had to fumble around in face of heartwrenching pain and make decisions that would affect the rest of our lives and perhaps the lives of our children. I wish I had done some things differently too after d-day. But you know what, I did the best I could at the time and honestly if I had tried a different tack with my marriage, who knows if it would have been any better? I appreciate your sentiment but it is no consolation. There was a part of me that knew I should just walk away but I traded feeling better right now for my future self-respect and peace of mind. Now, after many years, my life and our relationship are much, much better. Of course, as all BS's know, our marriage is irreparably damaged and acceptance and peace of mind is the best I can hope for.
wanderluster Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 No congratulations - I'm ashamed that I gave her a "second chance". I was afraid to start my life over and being afraid is nothing to be proud of. I wish I would have divorced her. I should have used the word acceptance rather than forgiveness. To me, the act of infidelity is unforgivable. In addition, the way it all happened, her cruelness and callus disregard for my feelings on and right after d-day is just as unforgivable. Speed up the process now? I don't know. The challenge is to accept that she is human and made horrible mistakes but has proven that she is not the same person who hurt me back then. I am also finding it just as hard to forgive myself for being so weak and taking her back just to ease the hurt and thinking time will magically heal me. Things are much better now and I'm making progress but am not there yet. Edit: Also, the message on your avatar literally makes me sick. Why should anyone believe their feelings don't count and simply take it in the rear? And then come back for more? Idiotic message. There are many ways to look at one situation. If you really still feel that way, what is stopping you from leaving? Do you still love her? She must still make you happy on some level? I don't think betrayed spouses who are willing to work through it are weak at all. It is rare to find people who can endure the things that you have. I have a lot of respect for you, and my husband. It IS much easier to walk away. But you chose to stay. and I hope she cherishes you. My avatar... well i didn't see it that way... I interpreted it as loving someone like you've never been hurt, it can be anyone, not necessarily just keep returning to the person who hurt you.
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