luvhurts1 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I met the woman of my dreams eight months ago. She was everything I ever wanted in a woman. Drop dead gorgeous, intelligent, amazing sense of humor, humble, independent, affable, open minded, self confident. The list goes on and on. She had just gotten out of a long term relationship about six months earlier. She said she didn't want to take things too fast. I agreed even though I wanted to. After a couple months things started getting more serious. We started seeing each other more and more. We had so many common interests, loved the same music, movies, sports, food, just to name a few. We agreed on so many levels such politics, religion, societal issues, etc. We were close in age, I'm 29 and she's 27. Everything was just perfect. I really began to fall in love with her. For the next six months we had nothing but good times. In November she got pregnant. It was a shock considering she was on birth control. Both of us are pro choice but we struggled with what to do. We both wanted to keep it but realized it probably wasn't the wisest decision for us at the time. After a week we decided to go through with the abortion. Everything went fine and the next two months were wonderful just like the previous months. A couple weeks ago she started becoming more distant. She wouldn't text with me as much throughout the day. She went from seeing me 4-5 times a week to 1-2 times a week. I would ask her if something was wrong and she would just play it off as everything was cool. I figured she just wanted a little space and I didn't pressure her too much for answers. Then last week she breaks up with me. Not even in person, over a text message. I was completely shocked and asked why? What was wrong? We were so great together. She says she met someone else. Come to find out its some random guy she met at a bar. I just don't understand it, I'm devastated and its like she doesn't give a f#ck. Its like what we had meant nothing to her. She repeatedly told me to my face that she loved me and how close she was getting to me. And she just bails on me for some random guy? Who f#cking does that? I can't stop thinking about her. It's like I don't even want to date anymore just so I'll never have to go through this again. I've been in a few previous serious relationships but the breakups were never even close to as hard as this one. I really thought she was going to be the one. I just don't know what to do, I have no motivation to do anything.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 It could be delayed depression. It could be she subconsciously blames you for her pregnancy. It could be she felt pressured into having the abortion. I don't know, but hormones take a while to settle down and level out. Pregnancy is a 'huge' transformation for a woman's body. An Abortion abruptly ends that, but sometimes, the body takes time to get back to normal. For instance, a woman's body takes nearly 2 years to fully recover and 'return to normal' from a pregnancy. It's 10 months, after all.... so something like this may have flipped something. There's no question in my mind, personally, that the entire episode has had an effect. can you do anything about it? Not a damn thing. I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to let her be. Read the No Contact Guide in my signature. She may turn to you for 'comfort chats', particularly given the experience you've shared. You have to learn how to distinguish between a "hello, just calling you out of habit" and a "hello, I want you back" approach. 1
Author luvhurts1 Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 I never pressured her into having an abortion. If anything, I would say I was the one who wanted to keep it more, but I made it clear I supported either decision. Maybe it was the hormones but that was over two months ago. Just doesn't seem possible. We were fine for the two months after the abortion.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Did you know Post-Natal Depression can strike anything up to around 3 years after the child's birth?
JAZBear Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 i have been lurking the LS boards and had to reply to your story since it hits so close to home for me. Currently my BF and I are "taking a break" to deal with the effects of going through an abortion that happened over 2 years ago. We both agreed that it was the right thing to do at the time, but were not aware of the stress, shock, guilt and feeling alone because we were ashamed to talk about it. These feelings festered and lead to much stress in the relationship, feelings of resentment, lack of trust, anger and this break to see if we can work on staying together. It wasn't until this break did I realize that i was suffering from PASS- Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. (It is similar to PTSD, but not officially recognized by the medical community possibly due to political reasons.) I'm pretty sure your ex is having feelings of remorse, may feel guilty that she didn't protect her child, possibly resent you for not trying hard enough to convince her to keep the baby and depressed that she cannot take that decision back. And to get away from these feelings, is distancing herself from everything associated with it-- including you. I found this website to be extremely helpful and informative on how to deal, diagnose and get support for PASS. Post Abortion Healing and Help, Post Abortion Stress Syndrome Support I'm not sure if either of you are religious, but I am also reading Where Do Broken Hearts Go because I felt like God was mad at me and I needed help forgiving myself. Where Do Broken Hearts Go?: Healing and Hope After Abortion: Jane Abbate: 9780982848609: Amazon.com: Books Don't feel too hurt that the way she deals with this is to avoid it and possibly participate in destructive behavior (random bar hookups). If you truly care for her, continue to support her and get her talking about the abortion. From the PASS website, this is the best thing you can do for her now: If she is having a hard time and you don't understand why, besides making an appt. for you both at a professional counselor, do this: Give her a big hug, put your arm around her shoulders and say "I'm really confused as to what you are going through, and I don't understand it. But I care about you, so be free to do *whatever* you need to do to feel better. Talk to me as much as you need to, cry on my shoulder as much as you need to - I truly care about you and I'm here for you, so I won't belittle your pain or grief, and I won't try to shame or guilt you into hiding your real feelings, and acting like you don't hurt when you do.." - and follow through with this! Don';t try to 'tough' her past her feelings. Would you tell someone with cancer to just 'get better', and be over it? It's not the same exact thing, but PASS is a real emotional and physical problem, and she needs lots of support and help. PASS can affect men too. I hope this helps as much as it is helping me.
JAZBear Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I will have to respectfully disagree with TaraMaiden's advice (a rarity since I'm a big fan of her wisdom). Please do NOT go NC. This is a thing that you can do something about it. This is not a normal breakup and isn't about you and how selfish she is being, trying to heal (albeit an unwise way, but she doesn't know what to do). Your ex REALLY needs tons of support now, do not just "let her be". She may even feel suicidal after trying to cope with this alone, then dealing with destructive behavior to avoid thinking about the abortion and from losing/pushing you away. Trust me, she is probably more devastated than you about the whole ordeal and is NOT having fun meeting random guys at bars. Don't minimize her distress and assume her reaching out for you are strictly "comfort chats." She needs help dealing with this and you are probably the only one who knows about the situation to get her help. I have learned that the emotional trauma from an abortion can last several years. Sure you both agreed it was the right thing to do at the time, but honestly you only had a week, maybe two weeks tops to make such a major life changing decision. Some people take longer deciding on what major to study, what car to buy, what dress to wear to prom, so don't blame her for making the wrong decision. If she knew the emotional consequences, she would take it back. I just don't understand it, I'm devastated and its like she doesn't give a f#ck. Its like what we had meant nothing to her. She repeatedly told me to my face that she loved me and how close she was getting to me. And she just bails on me for some random guy? Who f#cking does that? I can't stop thinking about her. It's like I don't even want to date anymore just so I'll never have to go through this again. I've been in a few previous serious relationships but the breakups were never even close to as hard as this one. I really thought she was going to be the one. I just don't know what to do, I have no motivation to do anything. Your relationship should be secondary and making sure the love of your life is healthy and doing well should be the priority. This experience makes you a forever present person in her life. You will always mean something to her and she will never forget you. How she remembers you, whether you are someone who supported her, listened, cared, helped in healing or a selfish d-bag just thinking about yourself is up to you. Be patient, be kind.
Chi townD Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Sorry, but I kinda agree with Tara. She's holds some sort of resentment for you because of the abortion. You can say that she was the one more for it than you. But, reality might have hit her and she realized what she lost. She HAS to blame someone and it's easier to blame you rather than herself. It would be too much for her to solely take all the blame for the termination of the pregnancy. Therefore, she has to convince herself that you pushed her into a corner and ultimately made her do something that she thinks she would NEVER do. (of course, this is all in her head. As a way of coping). I think it's time to move on. This is something she needs to come to terms with. You can't help her with that. She needs to come to the realization that ultimately, the choice to end the pregnancy was her choice and hers alone. You had nothing to do with that decision. And once she realizes this, she's going to understand that she threw her relationship away over her insecurities of her choices and her blameshifting.
cavalier99 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 (edited) I've had a GF get an abortion a long time ago. We both agreed we weren't ready. I'm pro choice and it totally sucked and bothered me a long time. I don't think i could go thru that again if i had any say in the matter. But it didn't affect the relationship. If anything it might have strengthened it. And this girl was religious and it was a super tough choice. We broke up for other reasons years later. If she is off f*cking other guys and blames you even subconscious it is her problem. Doesn't change anything. Go and stay NC. This isn't your problem anymore. She broke up with you ...period. and how do you know her behavior is a result of the abortion? And it isn't your job to save her if she is self destructing. Just my thoughts. Cav Edited February 6, 2013 by cavalier99
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