So....I goofed!

[lovnlost]

Long time since I been here....and I am back here again with a mistake I made this time.

 

SUPER busy with 2-4 jobs from summer to fall term, Senior in college facing hardest terms ever, father of a daughter (not girlfriends), girlfriend, manage a house (cooking, cleaning, bills etc) and in the National Guard preparing for deployment, STRESSED TO THE MAX!!!!

 

AS it went on I kept getting frustrated over her lack of awareness of my situation. She has no where near the responsibilities I have. I told her how hard it was for me and stretched thin I was. She said ok, give me a few days and then right back to texting me all day and craving attention. I couldnt give her all the extra love she wanted. She wasnt doing what I needed help with, house, my kid, etc and then I pushed her away. I was so stressed and so clouded daily to accomplish my tasks I didnt see how much I was actually doing it. I gave kind words here and there but it didnt seem enough. Then date, SEX was always great!!!! So after the term ended she told me I wasnt giving her 100% and I said she was right, I am not, so its time to go. And I was very upset that she was so flustered over my kid jumping into bed with me one night. That was the greatest compliment my daughter could have gave her. So I left. I was also suffering anxiety for the first time in my life. Told her I have to straighten out and find the cause before I can give her the time she needs.

 

About 6 weeks go by. I have massive comebacks with mental health and remembered who I am. lol. A happy, fun loving, responsible man. I try to talk with her a few times and get her on the phone and she plays back and forth with me. She spent the first few weeks pining for me but I was so numb to everything still I wasnt listening well though I gave her reciprocation on certain topics. I think 100% cold quite to someone who loves you is harsh. It happened to me and I would never do it to another.

 

So she plays this half ass NC game about once a week. I get her the letter I wrote which completely redefines our relationship as no new thing can start on the same level. She reads but doesnt respond. The next week I show up to her house with a flower and gift and her new bf is there and I am on the porch, telling her how sorry I am, how great she is, and how she has changed me and that I am thankful of that. I got tossed around enough I had to make a move I hope you understand. I didnt care about the fresh rebound 2 months after us sitting in the house. He doesnt have our history.

 

So this girl has bottled up her emotions as she is used to doing her whole life and now says she wont talk with me because she is unhappy with me as of that night I dropped off the flowers. understandable, that probably upset her, but you know what? she didnt say get lost, or get mad at me, she almost cried, she didnt say she hated me, she hugged me back, and said somewhat hopefully that she will talk with me later. Im pretty sure that wont happen. But she keeps saying that when she ignores me.

 

I already screwed up NC because I was confused royally by her actions. It has gone from, I am the dumper, she the dumpee, to me being the dumpee wanting her back and now she is the dumper and has all the power and in a GIGS relationship I am hurt this girl by not working it out and communicating it properly when I left her. Took me too long to come up with the right plan and figure things out. I know I screwed up....but I care greatly for and love this girl.

 

Whew...options...and I mean what are intelligent options here. Obviously no contact for a while. What else can I do. How can I tell a girl again how sorry I am. I cannot can I? I already have. I need to let it be for however long that takes right? What can I do in the meantime for her and I? I am already working on myself and daughter. I have lost 20lbs, ran many many miles, dieting, and other positive changes. I have dropped off of FB, another story there. We each have a couple photos of each other up still. Her new bf has no FB page. I would appreciate some decent advice. Homebrew still around?

[CC12]

I had a hard time following your post. Let me know if I've got the timeline wrong:

 

-You broke up with her.

-Six weeks later, you try to talk to her on the phone a bit, and she's not really into it.

-You then send her a letter.

-She doesn't respond to your letter, so you escalate and show up unannounced to her house where she was spending time with her new boyfriend.

-She gets upset that you did that, and basically says, "I don't want to talk to you anymore. Maybe someday we can talk again."

 

Right?

 

It seems that you've pretty much exhausted all your options of winning her back or fighting for her or whatever. Any more attempts from you would border on harassment. And I'm not joking about that or exaggerating.

 

I mean, look at what is giving you hope:

 

she didnt say get lost, or get mad at me, she almost cried, she didnt say she hated me, she hugged me back, and said somewhat hopefully that she will talk with me later.

She didn't scream at you or spit in your face so it must mean that she's not that serious about being through with you? She was civil to you, so you think that's like, an invitation to keep pursuing her? It's not, man. You've got to move on. She really seems done with you. She is dating someone else and has told you she won't talk to you anymore, for christ's sake. It's time to let go.

[lovnlost]

well the the new BF was VERY unexpected. I new she may have been seeing someone but could not be sure. That was like something out of a soap opera there. Completely unpredictable! I did not do that in purpose. When someone sends you text message trying to say its done? That doesnt mean squat and most people I think would agree. The difference between me and others is I am willing to take risks to put myself out there and try. Going NC is also a form of stonewalling which is CONTROL. I did not badger her with calls and texts. I tried to talk with her and meet her once a week for a month and she agreed and we kept getting the dates pushed back. So no man, not harrassment at all, going off what was given to me to work worth. Dont read so harshly into things.

 

And yes I feel I have done all that I can. I have not begged, pleaded, kissed the ground she walks on etc. I was very composed and got my point accross, or closure. She enjoyed large sweeping gestures of love when we were together because of movies and the like....so....I took a chance...plain and simple. But I think there is more to things than black and white and there is sometimes different shades of grey which is what I am looking for here. And no, I do plan on pursuing her more at this point. Thats why I said I go NC for a while. And I am not sure where you read "she has told you she wont talk with you anymore." She says I will talk with you later every other week with me when she texts me back. And THIS is not what is giving me hope...the love we shared together and its depth and intensity and ability to forgive and move forward in her and I both, is what is giving me hope.

[CC12]

And I am not sure where you read "she has told you she wont talk with you anymore."

 

It's here:

 

So this girl has bottled up her emotions as she is used to doing her whole life and now says she wont talk with me because she is unhappy with me as of that night I dropped off the flowers.

 

Also,

 

When someone sends you text message trying to say its done? That doesnt mean squat and most people I think would agree.

 

So she texted you and said it's done? That actually does mean something, and I don't think most people would agree with you that it means squat. It means she wants to be done with you.

 

I don't know, man, I'm not going to agree that she still totally wants to be with you even though most of her words and actions imply that she's done. I don't know how to help you cling on to someone who has moved on, so I guess I'll leave you to it and maybe others can advise you what to do next.

 

Take care.

[lovnlost]

It's here:

 

 

 

Also,

 

 

 

So she texted you and said it's done? That actually does mean something, and I don't think most people would agree with you that it means squat. It means she wants to be done with you.

 

I don't know, man, I'm not going to agree that she still totally wants to be with you even though most of her words and actions imply that she's done. I don't know how to help you cling on to someone who has moved on, so I guess I'll leave you to it and maybe others can advise you what to do next.

 

Take care.

 

 

My apologies CC12, her exact words to me were "I am not happy with you". I ruffled her feathers I believe. So I did type there but I was not accurate.

 

Do you really put that much stock into a text message as a formal piece of communication? I do not and never will. A text message does not resolve much and is completely inapropriate in such situations. We are adults here and adults should be mature about their feelings and express them. Now I know that sounds bull headed, but she knew that is how I operate. And until THAT point, that is how she operated with me. I would have taken anything....a slap, a bitchy conversation at me and screeming, some form of closure, a brick in my window. But she said this before she read my letter which I gave her space on. I acted hoping that it had an impact. And when we spoke about it in person, it did! What is your story that you come across so harshly to others misfortune or hurt? What I would like is more insight as to how she may be feeling and if there is anything I can do to about that. I do not see options....other than NC, which is letting go and healing, as you say. I know what the concept means. However, like others in here, I have a glimmer of hope...how long has it been since you have had any for the woman you were last in love with?

[TaraMaiden]

My apologies CC12, her exact words to me were "I am not happy with you". I ruffled her feathers I believe. So I did type there but I was not accurate.

Accurate enough. And with rectification an emphatic reason why you should leave her alone...

 

Do you really put that much stock into a text message as a formal piece of communication? I do not and never will. A text message does not resolve much and is completely inapropriate in such situations.

Well, that's just tough. Just because you don't put 'much stock in it' doesn't mean she doesn't. You may believe it inapproriate, but that was her choice of communication, and it doesn't make it any less true or honest, for her.

 

 

We are adults here and adults should be mature about their feelings and express them. Now I know that sounds bull headed, but she knew that is how I operate. And until THAT point, that is how she operated with me.

Meh... she doesn't have to do everything your way, simply because you think she should... Methinks you protest too much....

 

I would have taken anything....a slap, a bitchy conversation at me and screeming, some form of closure, a brick in my window. But she said this before she read my letter which I gave her space on. I acted hoping that it had an impact. And when we spoke about it in person, it did! What is your story that you come across so harshly to others misfortune or hurt?

 

Oh here we go - Look - you decided to post on a public forum, seeking feedback and opinions. Suddenly, because it goes 'against you' there's a 'story' and ulterior bitter motive? I really can't see anything 'harsh' in CC's posts. True, yes. Harsh? not a lot....

 

 

What I would like is more insight as to how she may be feeling and if there is anything I can do to about that. I do not see options....other than NC, which is letting go and healing, as you say.

She told you what she wanted. How she's feeling, nobody can tell. Obviously, not even you, and you know her better than we do. So going by what she has SAID - NC is by far your best and safest option.

 

I know what the concept means. However, like others in here, I have a glimmer of hope...how long has it been since you have had any for the woman you were last in love with?

 

Hope:

 

I say this a lot:

"There's no 'i' in team, and all 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'."

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world except one... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'.....

Hope does nothing but leave a Hole in your heart, and make it bleed longer.

 

Go No Contact.

It's the only way to progress.....

[CC12]

how long has it been since you have had any for the woman you were last in love with?

 

I am a (straight) woman.

 

What I would like is more insight as to how she may be feeling and if there is anything I can do to about that.

 

As a woman, I did try to give you insight as to how she may be feeling. I feel like you completely disregarded my advice because it wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

[Survivor12]

I am a (straight) woman.

 

 

 

As a woman, I did try to give you insight as to how she may be feeling. I feel like you completely disregarded my advice because it wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

 

Which is very likely the same reason she told him it was over in a text...because she knows that telling him face-to-face would only result in him ignoring or arguing with her.

[lovnlost]

Thank you both for the honesty...I really do appreciate it. I wasnt trying to come off as an arrogant ass....just well....hurt. I know it doesnt have to be my way with things...in fact most of the time it was always her way that I gave into except at the end.

 

I just know I am hurting inside like the rest on here and very much want something to change. I was not trying to offend you all and that seems to be what I did.

 

The reason I hope so much is that it is simply a part of me. Without it I never would have gotten out of my situation growing up and to simply let it lay, well....I am not sure I can just yet. THough I assure you both I am trying everyday to release her heart and move forward myself. Full of regret ya know. And that is a hideous feeling to have. The what ifs and shoulda, woulda, couldas have never been so strongly felt before. I made a mistake do to serious mistake under serious pressure in my life. I really want to get back the basics of her. Discover her again, reach out to her, communicate to her, stop being a fool and really feel with her. To let me guard down and take off my armor before her and be vulnerable in her presence again. I guess it just stings to hear that I need to give up. I keep feeling there is something I can do....but am sure you right. If by my own self admittance I can come up with nothing better than NC and know I cannot try again for anything.....I should stick to that course of action. I am not trying to disregard advice....just looking for that different shade of grey as I mentioned above. And it seems that it is really closer to the color black or white.

[cavalier99]

Well man. What can i say except. That sucks. You know the drill. NC will provide some relief and clarity. If she want back (and you want her) she will show up at your doorstep.

 

In the mean time cut her out of your life completely..block calls, delete FB etcetera.

 

Just so you are clear. THIS IS A REAL BU. So you need to treat it that way so you aren't grasping at air. Time to man up soldier. Rock on!

 

Cav

[meeji]

Long time since I been here....and I am back here again with a mistake I made this time.

 

SUPER busy with 2-4 jobs from summer to fall term, Senior in college facing hardest terms ever, father of a daughter (not girlfriends), girlfriend, manage a house (cooking, cleaning, bills etc) and in the National Guard preparing for deployment, STRESSED TO THE MAX!!!!

 

AS it went on I kept getting frustrated over her lack of awareness of my situation. She has no where near the responsibilities I have. I told her how hard it was for me and stretched thin I was. She said ok, give me a few days and then right back to texting me all day and craving attention. I couldnt give her all the extra love she wanted. She wasnt doing what I needed help with, house, my kid, etc and then I pushed her away. I was so stressed and so clouded daily to accomplish my tasks I didnt see how much I was actually doing it. I gave kind words here and there but it didnt seem enough. Then date, SEX was always great!!!! So after the term ended she told me I wasnt giving her 100% and I said she was right, I am not, so its time to go. And I was very upset that she was so flustered over my kid jumping into bed with me one night. That was the greatest compliment my daughter could have gave her. So I left. I was also suffering anxiety for the first time in my life. Told her I have to straighten out and find the cause before I can give her the time she needs.

 

About 6 weeks go by. I have massive comebacks with mental health and remembered who I am. lol. A happy, fun loving, responsible man. I try to talk with her a few times and get her on the phone and she plays back and forth with me. She spent the first few weeks pining for me but I was so numb to everything still I wasnt listening well though I gave her reciprocation on certain topics. I think 100% cold quite to someone who loves you is harsh. It happened to me and I would never do it to another.

 

So she plays this half ass NC game about once a week. I get her the letter I wrote which completely redefines our relationship as no new thing can start on the same level. She reads but doesnt respond. The next week I show up to her house with a flower and gift and her new bf is there and I am on the porch, telling her how sorry I am, how great she is, and how she has changed me and that I am thankful of that. I got tossed around enough I had to make a move I hope you understand. I didnt care about the fresh rebound 2 months after us sitting in the house. He doesnt have our history.

 

So this girl has bottled up her emotions as she is used to doing her whole life and now says she wont talk with me because she is unhappy with me as of that night I dropped off the flowers. understandable, that probably upset her, but you know what? she didnt say get lost, or get mad at me, she almost cried, she didnt say she hated me, she hugged me back, and said somewhat hopefully that she will talk with me later. Im pretty sure that wont happen. But she keeps saying that when she ignores me.

 

I already screwed up NC because I was confused royally by her actions. It has gone from, I am the dumper, she the dumpee, to me being the dumpee wanting her back and now she is the dumper and has all the power and in a GIGS relationship I am hurt this girl by not working it out and communicating it properly when I left her. Took me too long to come up with the right plan and figure things out. I know I screwed up....but I care greatly for and love this girl.

 

Whew...options...and I mean what are intelligent options here. Obviously no contact for a while. What else can I do. How can I tell a girl again how sorry I am. I cannot can I? I already have. I need to let it be for however long that takes right? What can I do in the meantime for her and I? I am already working on myself and daughter. I have lost 20lbs, ran many many miles, dieting, and other positive changes. I have dropped off of FB, another story there. We each have a couple photos of each other up still. Her new bf has no FB page. I would appreciate some decent advice. Homebrew still around?

 

Reading stories like this gives me hope that my ex will also come to the same realization. Much like in your situation, it will probably be too late for reconciliation that's besides the point.

 

What advice to I have for you? Keep on doing what you are doing. It seems like you have your head on straight now and you are making moves in the right direction. continue to work on yourself. Give her some time to process everything. When people hurt us, its really hard to just get over it, especially when we thought they really cared about us. its not going to be easy to get her back and even if you do, it might be that much harder to keep her. It takes a long time to build trust but only seconds to destroy it. If you think this is the girl you really want to be with I can't tell you to give up but at the same time, i don't want to give you false hope.

 

Do what you think is best but for now, let things settle for a while. Maybe after things fall out with her new bf she'll reconsider. That's something that you're going to have to decide if you can accept being a fall back or not.

 

I'm sorry that all of this happened to you. Learn what you can from it. Its a valuable lesson.

[lovnlost]

When I met her face to face though at the end.....why didnt she tell me to get lost or have ill words for me or tell me it was over in some way shape or form. Instead she said "talk to you later"

[TaraMaiden]

Stop grasping at straws.... it's a common phrase, like 'see ya later'.... when it actually won't be for a week or so.... to give an example.

[lovnlost]

I understand. One last thing....explain the fb thing to me cause I dont get it. She is with someone new now, deletes all our pics save one, and still has not deleted me from friends. I am asking this not because I am grasping at straws, but because I do not understand this scenario about social media. I am about to unfriend her.....just trying to understand this game it seems like.

[cavalier99]

I understand. One last thing....explain the fb thing to me cause I dont get it. She is with someone new now, deletes all our pics save one, and still has not deleted me from friends. I am asking this not because I am grasping at straws, but because I do not understand this scenario about social media. I am about to unfriend her.....just trying to understand this game it seems like.

 

Who knows bro....and quite frankly who cares. Lol The only thing that is important is you at this point and recovering.

 

Don't just unfriend..BLOCK HER.

 

If she wants back she can show up at your doorstep like you did. You gave it your best shot and she didn't reciprocate. Her loss.

 

It isn't a game anymore. People are getting hurt broken hearts etcetera. Time to get real and go dark and vanish like a ninja so you can recover.

[TaraMaiden]

You know what you're trying to do?

You're trying to 'second-guess her.

 

Hopeless. Utterly useless.

do not try to guess, divine, understand, figure out or even question anything they do - no matter what the issue or conundrum.

 

All you need to 'wonder' is what to do next. And what you do, is delete your profile, or block her completely or ignore her in every which way possible.

 

Whatever you think, say and do, has to be for your self-improvement.

 

So quit with the questions. Ask yourself instead, "Would knowing the reply/ reason behind this, actively support my progress?"

 

The answer is, in 99.99% of the time, a resounding 'No'.