Battling addiction: married men!

[OW5431]

I've always loved a challenge and the thrill of the chase, and in my life this somehow manifested itself in an obsession with older, married men (I'm in my 20s). About a year ago I broke up with a boyfriend who was married when I met him, now have found myself embroiled in an affair with a married coworker. And these two are not the first.

I know it's immoral and I do want a healthy relationship with someone single and closer to my age. It's just that I'm addicted to the butterflies, arousal and lustful passion that comes with this forbidden fruit. And feel incredibly sexy being the object of a married man's desire. Someone who's easy to get just doesn't excite me in the same way.

But then again, it's also sad and depressing when he doesn't call because he's home with his family. Any advice on breaking me of this bad habit would be greatly appreciated!

- (habitual) other woman

[whichwayisup]

My suggestion is, try some counseling. Figure out the real reasons why you are doing this - On the expense of innocent people (wife, children), and you are hurting yourself as well. If you want excitement and a rush, go sky diving and do hobbies that make your heart jump.

[cocorico]

I've always loved a challenge and the thrill of the chase, and in my life this somehow manifested itself in an obsession with older, married men (I'm in my 20s). About a year ago I broke up with a boyfriend who was married when I met him, now have found myself embroiled in an affair with a married coworker. And these two are not the first.

I know it's immoral and I do want a healthy relationship with someone single and closer to my age. It's just that I'm addicted to the butterflies, arousal and lustful passion that comes with this forbidden fruit. And feel incredibly sexy being the object of a married man's desire. Someone who's easy to get just doesn't excite me in the same way.

But then again, it's also sad and depressing when he doesn't call because he's home with his family. Any advice on breaking me of this bad habit would be greatly appreciated!

- (habitual) other woman

 

If it was making you happy, I would say go for it, but you describe t as immoral and an addiction which leaves you sad and depressed at times, and hat does not sound like a health lifestyle choice but rather a means of compensating for something you feel you lack.

 

You speak of the excitement, the challenge, the passion, that you crave. Do you feel you have insufficient challenges and excitement in other areas of your life? Do only older MM elicit passion in you - and if so, what about their being older and M is it that elicits that lust? Is it the competition? Is it reminiscent of another older, unavailable person whose attention you craved but could not win, at an earlier, formative stage? If you can work out what triggers these responses you deem unhealthy, you can start to consider alternatives that could provide the same benefits (excitement, challenge, etc) without the costs (concerns about morality, sadness, obsession, etc) and allow yourself to engage in the "healthy" R you would like to have.

[stevie_23]

I always wonder what actually makes an addiction as opposed to just a behaviour that's functional within a certain set of circumstances. (like is a "shopping addiction" still classed as an addiction if the shopper has $50 million dollars and will never go broke and it makes them happy?)

 

Anyway, I don't consider it necessarily "immoral" to find married men appealing. It obviously does cause some hurt and upheaval to both the man and his wife though, if it goes beyond a certain point, but I find in general, nobody really has much control over their feelings and desires. In terms of feeling them, I mean. You could choose never to act on them, but if you ONLY find yourself drawn to married men (and there probably tend to be quite a fair few out there willing to be with you), then...well...I don't blame you for acting on your feelings.

 

So you really do want to be with a single person and have a "normal" relationship? Do you think you can do this?

 

I was wondering, if you were going out with a married man, and then he ended up leaving his wife for you, would this finally sort of "satisfy" this need / addiction? Or would you be bored soon after he became 100% available for you?

[carhill]

Any advice on breaking me of this bad habit would be greatly appreciated!

 

IME, psychological therapy works pretty well. Great tools.

[woinlove]

IME, psychological therapy works pretty well. Great tools.

 

I agree with this.

 

Typically the desire for only married, older men is connected to internal issues that can be examined and understood. With that insight, one can come out feeling more love for oneself and better in control, leading to more happiness and more loving connections to others.

[LFH]

I've actually never met someone who's experiences and opinions lined up like yours. I've heard of people making the assumption that that is how we all think... but never one that actually thought that way before.

 

I'm not really sure what advice to give you other than discovering WHY you are doing this is going to be a good first step.

 

I am not in my affair because it's an affair. I'm in it because of him, because to me, he's worth all the difficult and complicated parts that go along with it, not because he's married. In spite of him being married.

 

I'd recommend keeping a journal of your thoughts as well as some therapy. I think it will be helpful for you to dig in and see what's guiding you to make these choices. I wish you lots of luck. I know it's a struggle being in love with someone that's married, I can't imagine how hard it must be to be doing it multiple times.

[spice4life]

Admitting you are an addict is half the battle. Now you need to get yourself into therapy. There really isn't anything else you can do at this point except that. You need to uncover the root cause of your addiction and they fact that you admit you have one will help you dig to find the answers. To be honest, that's the only way. Good luck.

[OW5431]

 

So you really do want to be with a single person and have a "normal" relationship? Do you think you can do this?

 

I was wondering, if you were going out with a married man, and then he ended up leaving his wife for you, would this finally sort of "satisfy" this need / addiction? Or would you be bored soon after he became 100% available for you?

 

I did get a little bit bored when my ex finally got divorced...sounds awful, I know! But I think it's also that the reality of it hit me, like the baggage of ex-wife and kids, plus dealing with the age difference when we're older (e.g. Not wanting to wheel around an 80y/o when I'm in my 60s, or being widowed for decades), and all of that ultimately contributed to our breakup.

So rationally I know I don't want to end up with an older, divorced man, but I'm also not looking to necessarily find my future husband right now, and have just always found older men attractive. And older men are often married!

 

Counseling is definitely a good idea and I'll look into it. I really had nothing scarring in my childhood, a normal, loving father, etc. As I said in my original post, I just really like the idea of obtaining something 'unattainable' and the thrill that the forbidden nature of it brings. I just don't want this to ultimately hurt my chances of finding a good guy, someday, to settle down with. I also know nothing good can come out of my current tryst with my coworker...it's just difficult to stop!

[Pierre]

I did get a little bit bored when my ex finally got divorced...sounds awful, I know! But I think it's also that the reality of it hit me, like the baggage of ex-wife and kids, plus dealing with the age difference when we're older (e.g. Not wanting to wheel around an 80y/o when I'm in my 60s, or being widowed for decades), and all of that ultimately contributed to our breakup.

So rationally I know I don't want to end up with an older, divorced man, but I'm also not looking to necessarily find my future husband right now, and have just always found older men attractive. And older men are often married!

 

Counseling is definitely a good idea and I'll look into it. I really had nothing scarring in my childhood, a normal, loving father, etc. As I said in my original post, I just really like the idea of obtaining something 'unattainable' and the thrill that the forbidden nature of it brings. I just don't want this to ultimately hurt my chances of finding a good guy, someday, to settle down with. I also know nothing good can come out of my current tryst with my coworker...it's just difficult to stop!

 

OK, if you don't have issues of low self esteem then I suggest you avoid a long term relationship with a single man and continue to be the exciting OW. Make sure you protect your heart and do not be too demanding on the cheating men so there is no d-day.

 

I suspect that if you get married you will be unfaithful so for the time being try to remain single.

[whichwayisup]

As I said in my original post, I just really like the idea of obtaining something 'unattainable' and the thrill that the forbidden nature of it brings. I just don't want this to ultimately hurt my chances of finding a good guy, someday, to settle down with. I also know nothing good can come out of my current tryst with my coworker...it's just difficult to stop!

 

Maybe it's time to put yourself in the shoes of the wives. You are helping hurt and betray a husband cheat on his wife, betray his family unit as one.

 

Imagine YOUR parents finding out what you've been doing, having A's with MM, just because of the thrill of it all, trying to 'get' someone that isn't yours, someone unattainable..

 

Imagine your father cheating and hurting your mom. Betraying her, cheating with a younger woman, someone close to your age.

 

This isn't just about you and your desires. What you are doing does affect others, hurts innocent people.

 

Just something to think about and hopefully you'll feel some empathy and sympathy for those wives whom you've been having A with their husbands.

[stevie_23]

I've actually never met someone who's experiences and opinions lined up like yours. I've heard of people making the assumption that that is how we all think... but never one that actually thought that way before.

 

I'm not really sure what advice to give you other than discovering WHY you are doing this is going to be a good first step.

 

I am not in my affair because it's an affair. I'm in it because of him, because to me, he's worth all the difficult and complicated parts that go along with it, not because he's married. In spite of him being married.

 

I'd recommend keeping a journal of your thoughts as well as some therapy. I think it will be helpful for you to dig in and see what's guiding you to make these choices. I wish you lots of luck. I know it's a struggle being in love with someone that's married, I can't imagine how hard it must be to be doing it multiple times.

 

I was in my affair because I loved him and wanted to be with him, not because he was already taken. That was the worst part of the whole thing.

 

Do you feel that a single guy who is 100% with you is somehow…like a “virgin” in a way to relationships or marriage? So he’s not as appealing because he doesn’t have any marital experience to offer you?

 

Do you feel that a single guy who is 100% with you is boring because he’s JUST with you, and somehow this makes you feel inadequate within yourself because he is ONLY with you and you alone, and you feel you’re not good enough? Whereas if he was also with another woman, it wouldn’t be all the pressure on just you and you wouldn’t have to feel like you weren’t good enough to have this man all to yourself?

 

Do you feel that a married man is enticing because of the competition aspect? You must therefore be worth “more” than a woman with a guy all of her own because this man is going against his vows and his wife to be with you? It takes more effort on his part and so you’re worth “more” that way than if no real effort was required by a single guy?

 

Do you feel turned on by the thought of the wife finding out one day? Is it the thrill of the chase (competition, getting something you technically can’t have), or the thrill of the risk (being found out one day?)