MsSmurf Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I realize a number of things have changed in dating over the years, but isn't just inviting yourself over to someones home still considered poor manners? Here's what happened. I met this guy through an online dating site a few months ago. Since then we've gone on three dates. It's only been three because he has a rotating work schedule and sometimes his days off fall on days that I'm not available. We do talk frequently on the phone however. He also lives an hour away to be closer to work, but for our dates he's come to my city since he's in a rural area. I've offered to head out his way, but he's declined. So the other day we were talking and he let me know what his upcoming days off are and mentioned that he'd like to stay in, order dinner, and rent a movie. He's always been the one to plan our dates, but we've always gone out which is how I'm used to dating anyway. I just thought it was rude that he would invite himself over. If I wanted to invite him over, shouldn't I be the one to extend such an invitation? Is this the norm now and I missed the memo? I'm not understanding how you date at home, that sounds like friends with benefits territory which is not at all what I want and I've made it expressly clear I'm seeking a relationship. I found myself so flabbergasted I just said I'd check my schedule and get back to him.
2sure Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 He might simply want to spend some one on one with you, with no other activities or distraction....but can't think of another way to get that. Or, he is hoping the tv leads to the bedroom. Or he wants to see you but cannot afford a night out. Or he is basically a stay home and watch tv kind of guy. You don't have to like any of it, and if you simply suggest doing something else and picking what to do...he will know that. His response should indicate which of the above he was shooting for. 1
candie13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 He's a guy, it's his duty to try. I bet ALL women say they want "something serious, like a relationship" and many of them end up just having sex. Tell him no can do and make a suggestion for an outside date. I bet my money that before date 6, he'll try to pull a fast one again. Nice, sweet, but firm NO. Again, I wouldn't take that against him. If it works, good for him. If it doesn't, good for you. Don't freat and stay focused. If he likes it, fine. He's losing interest? Just let him go. Try to read his game early, in order not to be wasting your time. Cheers!
StanMusial Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I agree, people should not invite themselves over. Even worse is the unannounced visit. My exgirlfriend, who I had not seen in YEARS pulled that one on me last summer. I was like WTF.
Yamcha Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Well, MsSmurf, if you're not gonna be upfront that you find it rude for someone to invite themselves over, opting instead to dodge them by feigning being busy, then you can't exactly expect others to be upfront with you. They may do things like invite themselves over to get into your pants, for instance.
candie13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 guys don't need excused in order to go for the pants. She said she wasn't interested in the first place in sex. How does her being "busy" equal to something she was very clear, since the very beginning with? Jeeesh, some people! You can make a point come across without being rude. He gets you get it, and you don't need to get your hands dirty. Stan, was your ex coming to check up on you or "remember the good ol' days"? you must have left that one wondering
quietGuy13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 That just shows the kind of guys you go for. Probably some outgoing cocky guy or a playboy. Like always, women go for those kind of guys and then they complain about their behavior. If you had gotten a respectful nice guy, this wouldn't happen but Women are weird and they choose bad boys
PhillyDude Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I realize a number of things have changed in dating over the years, but isn't just inviting yourself over to someones home still considered poor manners? Here's what happened. I met this guy through an online dating site a few months ago. Since then we've gone on three dates. It's only been three because he has a rotating work schedule and sometimes his days off fall on days that I'm not available. We do talk frequently on the phone however. He also lives an hour away to be closer to work, but for our dates he's come to my city since he's in a rural area. I've offered to head out his way, but he's declined. So the other day we were talking and he let me know what his upcoming days off are and mentioned that he'd like to stay in, order dinner, and rent a movie. He's always been the one to plan our dates, but we've always gone out which is how I'm used to dating anyway. I just thought it was rude that he would invite himself over. If I wanted to invite him over, shouldn't I be the one to extend such an invitation? Is this the norm now and I missed the memo? I'm not understanding how you date at home, that sounds like friends with benefits territory which is not at all what I want and I've made it expressly clear I'm seeking a relationship. I found myself so flabbergasted I just said I'd check my schedule and get back to him. Well if you been on 3 dates when were u going to spend a quiet evening at home? Are you open to going to his place?
StanMusial Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 guys don't need excused in order to go for the pants. She said she wasn't interested in the first place in sex. How does her being "busy" equal to something she was very clear, since the very beginning with? Jeeesh, some people! You can make a point come across without being rude. He gets you get it, and you don't need to get your hands dirty. Stan, was your ex coming to check up on you or "remember the good ol' days"? you must have left that one wondering She was in town and wanted to go for beers. It was a Saturday night and I had been playing basketball all afternoon and was really tired. I was laying on the couch watching a movie or something. She barged in like she owned the place... I don't even know how she knew where I lived because I had moved twice since I dated her. LOL. I still feel a slight panic whenever the doorbell rings... 1
Author MsSmurf Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 You all bring up some interesting thoughts, thanks. As for my refusing to be upfront with him about being irritated, that wasn't my intention at all. I was actually trying not to be the girl who overreacts since I've been her in the past. Yes I was irritated, but instead of saying exactly what I was thinking (which wasn't nice lol) I thought it better to simmer down and get input from others. The one on one time I didn't think of, but could be the case since our dates have been to venues where there are lots of other people around. However there are other ways to be more one on one without sitting around the house, so I can make some suggestions in this realm and see what he says. If his goal is a trip to the bedroom he is in for a major disappointment lol. Should things work out and we decide to become exclusive then there will certainly be time for that, but not right now. If it turns out he's just wanting to get laid then I'm happy to let him go. I pondered the money thing, but ruled it out based on the fact that he turned down my offers to drive to him and he insists on picking up the tab even after I've offered to split it. I figure if money were an issue he'd be ok with me spending mine. He's not really the stay at home type and is usually out doing something so that probably doesn't apply. And oh heavens an unannounced visit?! That is beyond rude and I wouldn't even try to not say what I was thinking in that moment lol.
Author MsSmurf Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 That just shows the kind of guys you go for. Probably some outgoing cocky guy or a playboy. Like always, women go for those kind of guys and then they complain about their behavior. If you had gotten a respectful nice guy, this wouldn't happen but Women are weird and they choose bad boys Actually if he were a bad boy wouldn't he have just invited me over to his place from the get go? Why would he have bothered coming to my city and actually taking me out? He's always been polite and respectful on our dates and on the phone, but it is possible that he's just been hiding his bad boy tendencies. But it is also possible that I misread the matter.
candie13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 God, a bit agressive, in her approach, isn't it? I find that funny, very out of place for a woman, she must have had the hots for you... in a very weird, stalkerish way, almost !
Author MsSmurf Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 She was in town and wanted to go for beers. It was a Saturday night and I had been playing basketball all afternoon and was really tired. I was laying on the couch watching a movie or something. She barged in like she owned the place... I don't even know how she knew where I lived because I had moved twice since I dated her. LOL. I still feel a slight panic whenever the doorbell rings... I'm sorry this happened to you, but omg LOL. 1
candie13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Actually if he were a bad boy wouldn't he have just invited me over to his place from the get go? Why would he have bothered coming to my city and actually taking me out? He's always been polite and respectful on our dates and on the phone, but it is possible that he's just been hiding his bad boy tendencies. But it is also possible that I misread the matter. He's only tryin'. If it works, it works. It's his duty to try. And your duty to politely say otherwise. I bet all my money it won't be the first time he'll be trying his luck... and the more he'll get to know you, the better he'll get at it! just stay out of your house and his , if you're not looking for trouble!
PhillyDude Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I still want to why the OP can chill at her place and they been on 3 dates????
Author MsSmurf Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Well if you been on 3 dates when were u going to spend a quiet evening at home? Are you open to going to his place? This is probably the whole dating at home thing I don't understand. In my experience there are no quiet evenings at home while still in the dating/getting to know you stage. That's always occurred when you decide to enter a relationship, which we're not at yet so I was a bit thrown off here.
Casablanca Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Perhaps when he said it he was thinking of his place, I dunno. Does sound like a nice idea, but thats me
PhillyDude Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 This is probably the whole dating at home thing I don't understand. In my experience there are no quiet evenings at home while still in the dating/getting to know you stage. That's always occurred when you decide to enter a relationship, which we're not at yet so I was a bit thrown off here. I;m not saying you should have sex but why can you chill at your place and order dinner, watch movies, and maybe have a light makeout?
StanMusial Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I'm sorry this happened to you, but omg LOL. Let's just say she was my EX GF for a reason.... and leave it at that.
Author MsSmurf Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 I;m not saying you should have sex but why can you chill at your place and order dinner, watch movies, and maybe have a light makeout? Ok I see. Or at least I think I do. I'm getting the sense that its common to have dates like this in the dating stages and I simply just haven't. I've always had guys ask to take me out so we've gone out. I've done these types of dates with boyfriends and just didn't ponder if they occurred sooner for some or most people.
2sure Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I'm 48 and single. Divorced, whatever. I date fairly often, but don't usually end up having sex and...after a few dates I usually invite a man to my house for dinner. I enjoy, it's fun. And I then expect to see his place. Its part of the decision making process in getting to know someone, especially if your long term goal is a relationship. It's a more relaxed setting. Only problem I've had recently was one guy fell asleep on my couch. Then said he was drunk, and he was. So, no scotch after dinner. Remember that one.
PhillyDude Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Ok I see. Or at least I think I do. I'm getting the sense that its common to have dates like this in the dating stages and I simply just haven't. I've always had guys ask to take me out so we've gone out. I've done these types of dates with boyfriends and just didn't ponder if they occurred sooner for some or most people. Well I consider myself a FOOL because I went on 5 dates with this girl and all of them were in public. Which means I have.....................no game
Casablanca Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Ok I see. Or at least I think I do. I'm getting the sense that its common to have dates like this in the dating stages and I simply just haven't. I've always had guys ask to take me out so we've gone out. I've done these types of dates with boyfriends and just didn't ponder if they occurred sooner for some or most people. I've had a few dates like this around 3rd or 4th date, and not all of them led to sex. None of them I expected it other than one as we had been flirting heavily and she really hinted at it.
PhillyDude Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Why would a grown woman who is attracted to a guy and been out 3 times be hesistant to have him come to her place?
Author MsSmurf Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 I'm 48 and single. Divorced, whatever. I date fairly often, but don't usually end up having sex and...after a few dates I usually invite a man to my house for dinner. I enjoy, it's fun. And I then expect to see his place. Its part of the decision making process in getting to know someone, especially if your long term goal is a relationship. It's a more relaxed setting. Only problem I've had recently was one guy fell asleep on my couch. Then said he was drunk, and he was. So, no scotch after dinner. Remember that one. Hadn't looked at it that way, but its something to think about. Geez I guess I've been single longer than I thought lol. I'll make a note of the scotch thing lol. 1
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